81. Within the Stream

 "Words will never bring

our children to a knowledge of the Tao.

We don't need to argue.

We don't need to teach.

We don't need to push.

We don't need to strive.

We only need to live

content within the Stream.

My words are over.

I wrote them for myself,

that I might hear them often enough

to begin to understand them.

And as I begin to understand them,

may I begin to live them.

If looking over my shoulder

has brought you some pleasure,

I am content."

I write to connect with myself and others. What I thought would be a single project/exercise several years ago has taken on a life of its own and seen me through two of my biggest life milestones to date. As I prepare for a third, I am already planning the next phase of this blog. Having things to look forward to is a blessing. Being able to share those things is a bigger one yet. I'm glad I'm still here, and still moving forward.

80. Empty Nest

"If parents follow wisdom,

their children remain happy. 

They content themselves

with simple pleasures

and don't look to constant stimulation

to keep themselves amused.

They love being at home

and don't have to go elsewhere 

for approval and acceptance.

When they leave home

to continue with their own adventure,

they carry with them

confidence, contentment, and joy.

And their parents watch them leave,

with satisfaction, peace, and happiness.

The 'empty nest syndrome'

should never bother

parents of the Tao.

Of course we'll miss our children.

But all their lives we have helped them

embrace life and welcome change.

We have learned to do the same.

New moments await us.

Our nest,

and theirs, 

is never empty."

I am grateful for the time I spent living alone. Through it, I learned to fill my own cup, and how to fashion a bigger cup for moments when I wanted or needed more out of life. This is not to say I was always happy to do so, or that it was easy to do at all. It wasn't. Over time it became so difficult that I found myself running into situations in which I perceived that I wouldn't have to do it all alone. Such situations have both brought me great joy, and gotten me in a lot of trouble. As I recuperate from and gain perspective on it all, I discover better how to model self-sufficiency and contentment for my daughter. I reconnect with the parts of myself I honed during that profound alone time. I know they have been a reserve of strength for me at this time in history of necessary distance from others. May they help me be more available when we can all be together again. 

79. Refuse to Level Blame

 "Parents of the Tao

refuse to level blame.

They watch the evening news

without complaining.

They observe the failures of others

and never gloat.

When their children

let them down

they remain serene.

They fulfill their own duties

and never worry about others.

There is never a need to blame our children

for anything.

We can, of course, correct them.

We can guide them gently

and with wisdom.

But blaming our children

for their faults

is not the only problem.

Monitor your conversations

for a seven day period.

Make a note each time

that you complain or blame

concerning anything.

Your children listen.

Are they learning to blame others,

or take constructive action?"

I am grateful to my parents for teaching me to take responsibility for my actions and choices. One thing I wish they had done a better job of modeling or communicating to me is how to distinguish between what I do and do not have control over. The biggest thing I am learning as a parent now is how little actually falls into the former category. Oddly, this makes me feel more at ease. Life becomes about doing what I can, and respecting myself and others enough to recognize my own limitations. Hopefully this will equip me to help my daughter take a realistic view of her own. 

78. Difficulties Are Overcome By Yielding

 "Parents facing hardship and sorrow

must become like water.

They must  embrace 

the hardest things of life

and enfold them with their heart. 

Death and loss are overcome

with gentleness and serenity.

We all want to protect our children 

from the sorrow and loss of life.

We cannot.

But the way we behave

when faced with these things

will give our children all they need

to remain at peace.

Remember water.

Nothing hard can stop it.

What hardships are you facing?

What are your children learning

as they watch you?

Over the past three years or so my family and I have faced more different difficulties together than I would have thought possible for one small group of folks to handle. I am grateful for the hard lessons I learned early on in life that have equipped me to embrace hardships since then if not with ease, then at least with some measure of grace. This also is not easy to maintain, but I never stop trying. 

77. Never Seek to Triumph Over Your Children

 "Parents who follow the Tao,

never seek to triumph

over their children.

They have no need of winning

to protect their position.

Their position is secure.

Nor do they let their children

triumph over them.

This would harm their children.

Winning and losing

have no meaning

to such parents.

They always find the balance

between too much

and too little.

No one is afraid of them.

They are afraid of no one.

There are times,

especially when they are young,

that we must impose our will

upon our children.

But do so only for their safety.

It is all too easy

to use our size and power

to intimidate our children

and get our way.

This does not teach the Tao."

The way I see it, my children are my triumph. They are my way. Why would I try to best them, or get in their way? For me to intimidate the people I love who have opened my heart the most, challenged me to love the most and be my best, would be a sin indeed. 

76. Hold Tight Only to Compassion

 "It has been said by experts,

'You must be consistent,

or your children will be confused.'

Nonsense.

Who among us is consistent? 

Circumstances are always changing.

Children become confused

when parents become rigid,

holding rules about love.

Be consistently flexible.

Hold tight only to compassion.

As people age they become

either soft and supple,

or hard and brittle,

both in mind and body.

I have seen profound examples

of each type,

so have you.

Which are you becoming?

Children are flexible

in body and in spirit.

The greatest gift we can give them,

is to become the same."

I have mentioned before what a struggle it can be for me to adhere to any structure or routine. As a parent I depend a lot on my husband, who thrives on what I like to tease him about as his "schedule," to help me provide this for our daughter. I am making my peace with this difference between us by learning to see a schedule or routine as a framework for being responsive. This I know I can always do with compassion, but I have to maintain some compassion for myself, too. Finding the best way to be consistently flexible may also help me establish the kind of loving authority I hope to achieve as a caring, mindful parent--the kind that will help me make and keep agreements with my daughter, and model integrity for her, and the kind that will help me set and maintain boundaries so I don't need to fear the mistakes I will, inevitably, make. 

75. Space and Time

 "If parents are always intruding

into the world of their children,

the children will lose their independent spirit.

If parents impose rule after rule

on the behavior of their children,

the children will lose their self-confidence.

Keep your children safe,

but do not be afraid

to leave them alone.

I once heard a child counselor say,

'You can never spend too much time

with your children.'

Yes, you can.

Children need, of course,

the assurance of your presence.

But they also need,

at every age,

plenty of space to play the games,

to imagine the futures,

and to dream the dreams

of childhood.

Too much time spent together

may be serving your needs,

not theirs."

I love watching my daughter play independently. I love playing with her, too, but when she engages in an activity, with a toy or book, by herself, it's a breath of fresh air. As for self-confidence, I never had much; as for my independent spirit, I never felt very entitled to it (even though I realize now I absolutely was, and am.) More than anything I want my daughter to know I trust her, and respect her. I love who she is, and as I witness her growth into herself, I can only keep growing into myself, too. 

74. River of Change

 "The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school,

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.

If you try to stop it

you will drown.

Neither we,

nor our children,

will avoid change,

loss, and death.

But our children 

will interpret these things

through the vision we give them.

If you can manage

to see through your fear

of these three things,

your children will have

the greatest vision possible."

The one thing I pray over my daughter the most now is that she will have the courage to tell the truth of (and about) her own life, always. The cost of not speaking up is too great to do otherwise. I have learned that the hard way, many times over. While I'd like to spare her that particular lesson if I can, I know she will have her own to learn, no matter what. 

73. Open Your Arms Wide

 "Wise parents do not strive,

yet their purposes never fail.

They are available,

but never interfere.

They communicate,

but never lecture.

They let their children go,

but never lose them.

These parents are like the Tao.

They open wide their hearts 

and hands,

yet never lose a thing.

If I grasp my children

and my other treasures,

I will have only

what my arms can hold.

And even that

slips through my grasp.

But the wider I have opened my arms,

the more and more I find.

If I can ever open wide,

I will have everything."

I hope I can teach my daughter to face rejection and loss with grace and equanimity. I think I have finally reached such a place in my own life, and feel that I have lost nothing, in fact, but only gained insight. Sometimes it's still difficult to bear, but I believe I understand now that if I keep my heart open, it can always be full. 

72. Natural Spirituality

 "Do not try to teach

religion to your children.

Teach them instead

to marvel at the wonder

of life in all its manifestations.

A natural spirituality will be born

and grow within their hearts.

Trying to teach religion

creates dependence

upon the words of others.

If your children depend

upon their own experience,

they will never go astray.

I served as a clergyman

for two decades of my life.

I know for certain that religion

is as different from natural spirituality

as night is

from the light of day.

Never worry

about your children's souls.

Your child's soul

belongs to the Tao

and is the one reality in life

that is beyond all danger,

always."

I want to raise my daughter to know her own mind, so that she can protect it fiercely. I grew up so paralyzed by self-doubt that I could barely make decisions or accept good things that came my way. I was convinced I deserved only the bad. Even now, when I experience conscious moments of ease and joy I get scared and suspicious. I worry. I am grateful not to fear struggle, but I need to welcome blessings, too. In my daughter I see them all. I know she will know both blessings and struggles I never have. May she greet everything more readily and bravely than I ever have. 

71. Have Confidence

"The confident parent

is not the one who knows

how to parent in every situation.

The confident parent

is the one who knows

that knowledge will emerge

in the midst of the situation.

This parent's mind

is free of complications,

ready to respond

without preconceptions.

This parent will always act rightly.

My confidence in the future

for my children,

and for me,

exists because I know

we are all part of the Tao.

Come good and bad,

life and death,

that will always be true.

Somehow I will know,

when the time comes,

exactly what to do."

I was telling a friend recently about how, since I became a parent, I feel not only more trust in God, but also that God trusts me, too. I wish I had learned sooner how to be receptive to that. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't is tied to the other big lessons I've learned recently about how trust isn't and cannot be a one-way street. It will be a while before my family and I have fully recovered from trusting the wrong people, but the best way I know to heal is to learn to trust myself again. My daughter gives me a unique opportunity to do that every day, and I'm so grateful. 

70. Trust the Tao

 "The teachings of the parent's Tao

are simple and natural.

Yet when you try to practice them

you will be met with great resistance.

Children have been raised

contrary to the Tao

for countless thousands of years.

No one will support you.

But look around at the effects

of these countless thousands of years.

Then look inside your heart.

The Way of the Tao

has always been here.

Some parents have found it.

Few talk about it.

It seems to them only natural.

They don't call it the Tao.

They just enjoy it.

But for many of us

parenting has been filled with struggle.

There is a better way.

You don't have to learn it.

You already know it.

You only have to trust it."

Most of what people call the developed world is a capitalist, patriarchal society that pits people against each other. What I've learned over the past year or so of trying to live in direct, active resistance to this is that it takes more than changing material structures or work environments to counter the effects. It takes serious internal and interpersonal work so that competitiveness, fragility, and pettiness fall away and the urge to dominate ceases. One person's true power comes from their integrity and is never a threat anyone else's. As I raise my daughter, I must remember that if I try to invoke my power as a parent, I will fail her. Instead if I invite her to step into her power by sharing my own, I will be trusting her and showing her the Way. 

69. Martial Arts

 "The martial master understands

how to yield and triumph.

When his opponent's blow arrives,

he is not there.

He moves,

yet maintains position,

bends,

but stays balanced.

As a parent you must do the same.

When your children oppose you,

do not meet their opposition with force.

Bend and they will topple.

You will win your point

without harming them.

Thus in yielding,

you will truly triumph.

I wish all parents could know

the art of T'ai Chi Ch'uan.

In this graceful martial art,

balance, softness,

flexibility, and grace

are the means by which

the goal is always reached.

Remember that this does not imply

your children always get their way.

Quite the opposite.

You give them unwavering guidance,

but without violence, tension and grief.

It is a difficult practice,

but full of great reward."

In life I have hardly ever "gotten my way." But the closest I have ever come to what I suppose I could call success is by getting out of my own way. I have learned to do this by yielding to my circumstances, rather than trying to fight them. This does not mean that I have had to give in or sacrifice my integrity or principles. Rather, it is by being flexible in my response to my circumstances that I have had the greatest opportunity to apply my principles and bring my integrity to bear on various situations. I try to model the same for my daughter by understanding that it's not my way, but the Way, that I aim to show her. If I keep my mind on this, balance, softness, flexibility, and grace will be with me. 

68. Fun and Games

 "Before your children learn to win or lose,

they play at games for fun.

But then they come to believe

that they must win

at games,

at business,

and at war.

They even learn to win or lose

at love.

But the Tao teaches

that games are for fun,

that business is for the common good,

that no one wins at war,

and that love endures for all.

Do you play your games for fun?

Do you work for the common good?

Do you divide the world into friends 

and enemies?

Do you love selectively?

Can you really 'lose' at love?

Examine all of these with honesty.

The answers will reveal

what your children are truly learning."

For almost two years I lived with someone who had told me she didn't love people unconditionally. At the time I thought it wouldn't matter, because I loved her unconditionally and was committed to making the arrangement work for everyone involved. I have since learned ever so slowly and painfully that unconditional love can never be one-sided. It must be fully and consistently reciprocal. It's in the reciprocity that any conditions are met and exceeded. I beat myself up that I should have realized this already; I could have saved my family and myself a lot of heartache and potential danger (which isn't yet completely past.) Right now I'm grateful to know I still have a lot to learn about the true nature of unconditional love. It lets me know my work is far from over, and that brings me joy. 

67. Compassion, Patience, and Simplicity

 "There are only three qualities

you must teach your children.

Compassion, patience, and simplicity.

Some would say this is absurd.

They would teach instead,

ambition, drive, and consumption,

and say it is the way of success.

But if they learn patience,

they see the world as it truly is.

If they learn simplicity,

they see themselves as they truly are.

And if they learn compassion,

they heal themselves 

and the world.

Following the Tao as a parent

will often seem opposed

to conventional parenting wisdom.

The confusion lies in ourselves as parents.

We don't know what we truly want,

or who we truly are.

Compassion, patience, and simplicity

cannot be taught

until they are experienced.

And when we experience them,

we lose the need to teach them.

We live them instead.

And then our children learn."

I tell myself over and over that my daughter will learn the most from how I treat her, and how I treat myself. Even before she had arrived, since my children were and have been so longed for, I spent a lot of time working hard to get to the core of who I am, so that I could learn to treat myself well. The entire process has taught me patience; while I have had to put effort into self-compassion, the focus on my authentic self has made the striving for simplicity almost effortless. For the first time in many years my purpose is clear and I trust myself. While none of this is easy to maintain, I embrace the difficulty. I understand now it's what I was made for. 

66. Lead By Example

 "If you want your children follow

along a certain path,

you must lead the way the ocean

leads a river home,

by remaining below it.

If you manipulate, coerce,

and bully your children,

you will have no power at all.

If you lead with humility, gentleness,

and by example,

you will need no power at all.

Power over your children

is the great illusion.

By the time they are six years old,

they will do what they want.

You can bully them

so that they think they want

what you want.

Is that what you want?"

As an ESL teacher I learned, "Show, don't tell." Now I am learning it is the same with my babies. If I model behavior, they will be free to choose to follow. Even while my daughter is still so young, I am finding ways to give her opportunities to do the right--or safe, or constructive--thing. I am trying to teach her the vocabulary she will need in order to understand why something isn't a good idea. I may tell her knives are sharp, the stove is hot, or the trash is dirty, but I do my best to show her what to do about it all. If I can help her take responsibility, then she won't need my power because she will have her own. 

65. Knowledge Or Wisdom?

 "If you try to teach your children

all the facts and answers

you think they need to know,

they will end up knowing nothing.

If instead you help them look

deep within themselves,

you will have led them to the source,

from where all answers flow.

Don't look to schools 

to teach your children wisdom.

Being 'Student of the Month'

will not insure happiness.

Your children will have to learn the Way

from other sources,

perhaps from you."

Throughout this pandemic, I have been grateful that my daughter isn't yet school age. In the midst of all the other problems in America today, I have questioned the idea of even sending her to school at all. I am pretty sure we all have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do in order to redress the wrongs that permeate American society. I am hopeful that by the time my daughter does reach school age, we can be well into a process of revolutionizing her education. I believe it is the best thing we can do in order to reach the true source, love.

64. The Only Step Necessary

 "You do not have to make your children

into wonderful people.

You only have to remind them

that they are wonderful people.

If you do this consistently

from the day they are born

they will believe it easily.

You cannot force your will

upon other human beings.

You cannot hurry children

along the road to maturity.

And the only step necessary

on their long journey of life,

is the next small one.

I designed and printed a bumper sticker

when my son was a teenager.

It said,

'My child is an ordinary student,

and a wonderful person.'

My son loved it.

Both of my children are,

always have been, 

and always will be,

wonderful people.

The same is true of your children.

No matter what."

One time when I was in confession, the priest referred to me as "your good self,"--an odd thing to hear upon confessing one's sins. It planted an important seed, though, of beginning to see myself as inherently good. As I reflect on it now, it reminds me of the time I told my mother I had never felt like a gift from God in anyone's life until I met my husband. When I confided this to her, she recoiled as if I had slapped her. In that moment I vowed I would not repeat her mistake with my own children. They will know they are good simply because they exist. While of course I pray that this knowledge will inspire them to choose to do good, I hope to also impress upon them that their goodness is not limited simply because their choices might be. I will help them do the best they can with what they have, every moment. 

63. Face Your Problems

 "Face your problems

with your children

while the problems

are still small.

If you give your full attention, 

without resentment,

the problems will become

no problem.

A problem is not an interruption

to a serene and happy life.

A problem is an ordinary part

of such a life.

Effort is not required.

If you pay calm attention,

solutions appear naturally.

For years I was afraid

of my children's problems.

I had enough of my own.

I tried to solve their problems

by decree and pronouncement from on high.

So their problems grew and grew.

I was not present to myself.

How could I be present to them?

As I have grown older,

problems are no longer problems,

just life.

They needn't separate us

from our children.

Don't be afraid."

In July my family and I moved out of an emotionally and financially abusive living situation. In June I had found out that I'm pregnant again, but by August I--already a veteran of two miscarriages--was experiencing bleeding which made me think I was losing this baby, too. Later that month, we discovered a rat infestation in our new place, and we moved to a local motel for three weeks. Since moving back into our apartment in mid-September we have struggled with a broken microwave and refrigerator, a leaky bathtub, a faulty toilet, and just today we've discovered another leak, this time under our kitchen sink. Everything, one right after another thing, has put my husband and me to the test--individually and in our marriage. Our work and other commitments have been imperiled if not outright derailed by these ongoing distractions, disruptions, and distresses. But ironically, were it not for the pandemic continuing to ravage the outside world, we would not be home and as present to our daughter, whose own daily discoveries, developments, and delights encourage and delight us in turn. She shows us time after time that what we consider problems are in fact opportunities for growth and learning. As I see her confront the mysteries and wonder of her newly unfolding life, I am learning that my struggle becomes my strength, and my strength becomes my unwavering joy. 

62. Be Happy

 "If you have vast wealth,

it will be useless in teaching your children.

If you have great power,

it will be of no avail in securing their happiness.

If you have succeeded admirably in life, 

it will not help you keep your children safe.

Remember that you cannot teach

by preaching.

Try to live with peace, contentment,

love and compassion.

This will be your lecture.

This will be your lesson.

The happier I have allowed myself to be,

the happier my children have become.

The more I have become myself,

the more they have done the same.

This has occurred later in my life.

Don't wait."

In my life I have had to learn to be happy and seek joy. It has taken me more courage than I would have thought to do so through my marriage and family. A lot about my current situation has had much more to do with my circumstances than with my choices. I wish more people understood this. I want to teach my daughter to be realistic about both, so that she will learn to distinguish between times to accept her limitations, and times to challenge them. I find that often there are aspects of each in the unfolding of days. Discovering both can be a source of each, happiness--in embracing particular circumstances--and joy, in making distinctive choices. 

61. Self-Acceptance

 "How do children learn

to correct their mistakes?

By watching how you correct yours.

How do children learn

to overcome their failures?

By watching how you overcome yours.

How do children learn

to treat themselves with forgiveness?

By watching you forgive yourself.

Therefore your mistakes,

and your failures 

are blessings,

opportunities for the best

in parenting.

And those who point out your mistakes

are not your enemies,

but the most valuable of friends."

Your children will surely notice

the way you handle criticism.

If you get defensive

and launch a counterattack,

they will learn to cover up

and deny their own faults.

Is there something you're covering up now,

with either depression,

self-punishment,

or hostility?

Lighten up.

Accept and forgive yourself

and your children will be blessed."

As I have discussed many times before in this blog, self-acceptance has been the hardest lesson and principle for me to learn and abide by. I was taught to punish myself for my mistakes, and that because I had made them I didn't deserve good things. I was also taught that acceptance meant approval, which, throughout my life, has caused me to seek out and stay (for far too long) in situations that are unhealthy, or where I have only been being used. As I learn to grow beyond these, I see and accept the parts of myself that have continued to offer my best, despite all of my struggles. I celebrate my strengths and the insights my struggles have brought me. I know now that I can use these to model self-acceptance for my daughter.

60. Growing a Garden

 "Dealing with difficult children

is like watching a garden grow.

Resist the temptation

to pull up the plants

to check on the roots.

In difficult times

children may thrive on conflict.

If you take the bait

the battle rages.

Instead step back, 

breathe deeply,

relax,

and stay at your center.

Battles require two parties.

One fighting alone soon tires.

Are there times when,

despite all efforts,

you must impose your will?

Of course.

But remember,

those times are far fewer

than you can imagine.

Is this current battle really necessary?"

I think the best thing I can do for my daughter is learn to respect her struggle. As a toddler it's her job to push boundaries and try to understand where they are or should be. When something she does upsets or provokes me, I try to remember that I, not she, am the difficult child. Rather than giving into the difficulty, I want to cultivate it and share my strength with her, so she can feel secure.

59. Be Ambitious for Joy

"To experience joy as a parent
you must be free of ambition;
for yourself
and for your children.
Ambition stiffens the muscles
and makes the spirit brittle.
You cannot move with ease
in the winds of change.

But if you release ambition
you can use all of life,
good and bad,
as fuel for the fires of joy.
Because you demand nothing
you have everything,
as do your children.

Do you have ambitions,
hidden or not so hidden,
for yourself or for your children?
Are they reasonable?
What will happen if they are not achieved?
The adolescent years
are filled with discouragement.
Children often compare themselves
to impossible standards
of achievement, beauty, and popularity.
Don't encourage these comparisons.
Encourage joy."

Perhaps the wisest and bravest thing I have ever done is let go of my ambitions. I was expected, and indeed encouraged, to have them--even as early bereavements ravaged my adolescence with discouragement, fear, and pain I continue to feel to this day. The biggest part of my healing has been laying to rest my ambitions. As I have done so, new dreams, visions, goals have unfurled. I recognize now that they are not mine, but they are the gifts of the life I have been given to lead. From this recognition, I take the most joy. It is this recognition and awareness I can bequeath my daughter. I am grateful to have something so profound from my own learning to offer her. 

58. You Can Only Demonstrate

"If you carry great expectations
for your children,
they will carry great burdens.
If you try to make them good,
you will create instead their vices.

Let your teaching be subtle.
Let your strength reside
in your flexibility.
Let your virtues be natural
and not affected.

If your children are treated
with modesty,
grace,
forgiveness,
and joy,
what are they likely to learn?

There is nothing more important
than the integrity of your life.
You cannot teach,
impose,
control,
coerce,
or force
any virtue.
You can only demonstrate.
Put your best effort forth
on your own actions,
not those of your children."

With my guidance, my daughter will form her own convictions. In order for her to be herself, I can only show her how I've become me. I want to share my heart and my experiences, not mere ideas or ideals. I want my daughter to know not only that she has gifts, but also, and most importantly, that she is a gift.

57. Reward and Punishment

"Be careful of rules for your children.
Rules diminish responsibility.
Be careful of rewards for your children.
Rewards diminish self-esteem.
Be careful of punishments for your children.
Punishments diminish trust.

Let lessons be imposed
by the nature of things,
not by your own agendas
or your own needs.
Integrity will replace rules.
Contentment will replace striving.
Spirituality will replace religion.
Songs will replace arguments.
Dances will replace battles.

Don't tell me this is overly simple.
Perhaps the most courageous act
of any parent's life
will be that moment
when, even though it breaks your heart,
you stand aside
and let your children
take the natural consequences
of their actions."

I think sometimes that the best way I can be an effective example for my children is to show them how to observe the natural consequences of their actions, and teach them how to respond accordingly. The purpose of whatever rules, rewards, punishments, or agendas I may set (or we may set together) is only to reinforce all of that--by making sure my children understand whatever consequences befall them. In my own life I have found that understanding brings integrity, contentment and--beyond mere religion or spirituality--deep faith, including, and perhaps most importantly, in myself. If I can model this for my children I will have left them a legacy that not only allows but also encourages them to rise to every occasion, whatever its nature may be. 

56. You Have Lessons to Learn

"The lessons we most want to teach our children
are the ones we have not yet learned ourselves.
So we continually try to teach
what we do not know.

This is futile.
Try instead to refrain from talking.
Look carefully at the situation.
Listen attentively.
Let your mind be open to new understandings.
You will learn what you need to know.
And you will thus teach your children
how to learn their own lessons.

Nothing teaches children more
than a parent who is willing to learn.
What behavior in your children
makes you anxious?
What does that tell you
about yourself?"

I have always known that I wanted to do with my own children at least some things (okay, many) differently from the way my parents did them. This has been and always will be part of my desire to become a parent. This blog represents my efforts to let those things unfold. I look to the future with hope. 

55. Your Children Have Lessons to Teach

"Your children have important lessons to learn,
but even more important ones to teach.

What can they teach?
How to pay complete attention.
How to play all day without tiring.
How to let one thing go,
and move onto another
with no backward glances.
How to move and sit
with no tension in the muscles,
no stress in the bones.

Thus the wise parent learns,
and grows
younger every day.

How happy would your life become
if every time you taught your children
a new idea or skill from your world,
you stopped and watched until
they taught you one from theirs?
What will you learn from them today?"

There is a story I read once, about an older sibling who would go into the nursery to visit their newborn sibling and say, "Baby, tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget." Sometimes I want to say the same to my daughter. One day, when she asks me about God, I'm going to tell her about this story. Whatever she comes to believe about a higher power, I want her to understand that she, like all of us, comes from a divine source.

54. Create Clarity and Encourage Freedom

"Virtue comes from within your children.
It is a natural part of their being.
It can never be taken from them.
It follows them wherever they travel.
It guides them in all circumstances.
It will cause their life to flourish
and be filled with joy.

Amidst the hundreds of voices
clamoring for their attention saying,
'This way. No, that way,'
your children will learn
to trust their own hearts.
Thus they will act wisely.
You need not worry.

How can you keep from worry?
Look inside yourself.

We don't trust natural goodness.
We think it must be imposed from without.
But all foolish decisions and choices
grow from confusion and fear.
And confusion and fear are amplified
by constant pushing and preaching.
Is there a way you can help
create clarity and encourage freedom?"

I hope my daughter will learn to trust her own heart, better than I learned to trust mine. I constantly asked myself, how could I trust something that was so broken? Only through my many spiritual and faith experiences have I learned to get back in touch with my natural goodness and accept the substance of my own heart, so dangerously available as it has been through all my accumulated vulnerabilities and hurts. As I have learned to practice vulnerability, and by so doing actively heal my  hurt and grief, my heart has begun to be restored. I consider it a blessing to be able to share both this process, and the results of it, with my family. 

53. Don't Make It Harder Than It Needs to Be

"Everyone wants to be a wise parent
but few choose this path.
This is unfortunate
for it is an easy path,
filled with joy
and with many rewards.
But it is easy to become sidetracked.
Distractions are everywhere.
As the external pressures mount
be sure to notice what occurs.

Do you pursue career advancement
while your children choose harmful paths?
Do you buy expensive toys
to medicate your feelings
while your children become
lost in the clutter?
Do you sink into depression
while your children hunger for joy?

Don't make parenting harder than it needs to be.
It only requires focus.
Worry is not focus.
Attempting to control is not focus.
Distracting yourself is not focus.
Relaxed, non-fretful, attention
to what is in front of you
right now,
is focus.
What is in front of you right now?
No, not your worries or frets,
what is right here,
right now?"

I have found that once I got the process down, caring for my daughter is surprisingly uncomplicated. I'm sure that will change as she grows and she continues to bring her own evolving complexity into the relationship. As this happens I hope I can remember that parenting is not a one-way street. It doesn't happen to my daughter. It's something I do with her, by her side, and she by mine.

52. All Is Well

"All beings belong to the Tao
always.
Sorrow begins
when parents forget this.

Forgetting that you belong,
you cast about for security
and cannot find it.
You look to your children
to bring you meaning,
and they cannot do it.
Seeing your pain,
they forget as well
and everyone is in darkness.

But if you can remember
that all is,
has been,
and will be,
well.
You will bring light to yourself
and to your children.

My father always worried
about the future.
I learned his lesson well.
It has taken me years to unlearn,
and still I forget.
What will your children have to unlearn?
How can you begin now to help them?"

I have often thought that it's because of all the unlearning I had to do, that I had to wait so long to become a parent. This is not to say that I have, or will ever have, unlearned everything. But I have had by now plenty of time to focus on my own learning and growth. I sense that I was doing this for my children, so that I wouldn't have to do it with them. Now I will be able to give them so much more of myself. 

51. Children Naturally Love Life

"Your children naturally love life.
Their love of life is spontaneous
and unconscious.
It delights in every nuance of light
and color.
It wonders at every shape
and form.
It dances in their bodies
without self-consciousness.
They are not taught this love.
It cannot be taught,
only lived.

If you live this love for your children
you will guide them,
but never demand a certain response.
You will welcome them,
but never smother them.
You will give birth to them,
but never possess them.
You will nurture their dreams
and guard their self-respect.
They will honor you naturally,
not because of who you are,
but because of who they are.

Don't worry about how your children treat you.
Concentrate on how you treat yourself.
If your children see in you
a sincere celebration of who you are,
they will return eventually
to their natural joy,
in themselves and in you."

I delight in observing the things my daughter especially responds to in her environment: The color yellow, the Beastie Boys, any food she tastes. The way clothes hang in the closet, or on me. Having never felt concretely that I myself was much to celebrate, I hope that by showing her how to celebrate these small but significant everyday things, events, and moments I can show her the inherent value of every living creature, and help her contribute meaningfully to the joy and comfort of every being around her. 

50. Letting Go

"If you are always worried
about your children's safety,
you will bind yourself,
and them,
in cords of tension.
If you try to hold them
always close to you,
you will bring yourself,
and them,
only pain.
If you release them
to live their life fully,
and face their death serenely,
your nights will be filled
with restful sleep.

The more I grasped my children
and my own desires for life,
the more dangerous life appeared.
As I gradually let go
plots and plans
and welcomed whatever came,
the safer life became for all of us."

I have heard God defined as "the One Who protects you from nothing, but sustains you through everything." Based on my own experience, including the long and tortuous learning curve I have had toward letting go, I would say this is true. Where I have managed to be protected, or to protect myself, it's only because I may have been granted some measure of prudence, as a gift. Looking back I can say I wish I might have leaned more consciously on God's sustenance, in order to use my prudence more like a gift than like mere protection. But I have made it this far, with a chance to do better than ever each day. I'm so grateful. 

49. Giving Respect

"When your children behave,
give them respect and kindness.
When your children misbehave,
give them respect and kindness.

When they are hateful,
love them.
When they betray your trust,
trust them.

The River of Life nurtures
everything it touches,
without asking for anything.
You will be happy and content
if you do the same.

Believe this difficult truth.
Showing respect in the face of disrespect,
love in the face of hate,
trust in the face of betrayal,
and serenity in the face of turmoil,
will teach your children more
than all the moral lectures
by all the preachers
since the dawn of time."

It isn't easy to model behavior for a toddler who thrives on pushing boundaries. It isn't easy to stay calm and present enough to honor the boundaries I expect her likewise to abide by. Just like my daughter, I am still learning. Knowing that, how can I do less than respect, love, and trust her, no matter what? She will grow into it all, as I still am. What else is there to do in this life? 

48. Less Is More

"Your children do not need more.
Each day adds more facts,
more gadgets,
more activities,
more desires,
and more confusion
to their lives.

Your task is to subtract.
Each day seek to remove,
to clarify,
to simplify.
Society's wisdom adds,
and confusion grows.
The wisdom of the Tao subtracts,
and serenity flourishes.

If each day one minute less
was spent doing something.
And one minute more
was spent being present,
in simple pleasures,
with your children.
In two months
you would transform your life,
and theirs.
One minute less."

I hope, as she grows, to remind my daughter continually of that which is truly important. I lose perspective often, however, and in those moments I remind myself, I am the least. I am struggling. I am in need. I hope, as I parent, to practice this proverb which I have found so helpful in all my relationships, especially the one I have with myself: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." To me this means not necessarily to reward my daughter when she succeeds or when she does something I like (although I'm sure I'll do plenty of that, too); but rather to uphold her when she is struggling, to edify her when she is lost, in pain, sad, or scared. To recognize her in those moments when, perhaps, she is the least. To understand that, at some moments of our lives, we all are the least. But we can all do more to hold each other up. 

47. Providing For

"Your children will make many demands
upon your time and energy.
'Do this for us.
Buy this for us.'
They believe that these things
are what they want from you.
And you may begin
to believe it too.

But what they really want
is your innermost heart,
given in vulnerable, honest love.
This is not given
by doing or buying.
The more you do,
the less gets done.
The more you buy,
the less you have.
But if you reveal
your true nature,
you provide them everything.

Of course there are times,
when I do for my children.
It is often my great pleasure.
But the things remembered,
the treasured moments
of sacred time,
have occurred
in the quiet
of gentle conversation,
and honest sharing."

Fast approaching midlife I have so few of what a friend of mine calls, "the makers and the markers": No house of my own, no car for me to drive myself, savings enough only to cover emergencies. And yet, somehow, it's always enough. I have always tried hard to do what I think is the right thing, and to learn when I discover that what I thought was right turns out to be wrong. In this balance I strive to strike, I often feel that I may have less, but I am more. Being willing to let go makes room in my heart and life for the experiences that will truly enrich me.

46. Each Day Is a Dance

"When parents step outside the Way,
they begin to feel vulnerable.
They become afraid of,
and afraid for,
their children.

They lie awake at night,
afraid to confront,
to correct,
to love,
or to hold their children.
Each day they prepare for battle.

But when parents remain in the Way,
they face each day as a dance.
They have nothing to fear,
therefore they produce joy.

I remember many nights of worry.
I remember many days
of tiptoeing around issues,
not wanting to have a confrontation,
hoping I could avoid unpleasantness.
At times I even felt
these lovely persons
were my enemies,
hindering me
and making my life unhappy.
How foolish I was.
There was nothing to fear."

I think the first lesson of parenthood is that parenthood is messy. Having never been the neatest of persons--although goodness knows I have always tried and usually failed--I felt prepared to embrace this somewhat. What I had a harder time embracing was that it was okay not to do it "right": That my mistakes and flubs would pave the way for lessons to teach my daughter. I look back at my own upbringing and at how much of my existence was driven or ruled by fear: Of making mistakes, of being hurt, of making a fool of myself or being made a fool of. By now I know I have made enough mistakes to know how to fix them, I have been hurt enough to know something about how not to hurt others, I have been made a fool of enough times to know that making a fool of myself is one of the best things I could do. There is little I fear now besides not being available for it all. 

45. Perfection

"If you expect to have perfect children
you will be constantly disappointed
and your children
constantly frustrated.
If you realize that your children
are perfectly themselves
in every moment,
you and your children
will be at peace.

Step back and watch.
You will see that Life
naturally perfects Itself.

Your child's behavior may displease you.
It may even be destructive.
But it is what it is.
It is up to you to understand it
and to use it for good
for your child
and for you."

Growing up I was always expected to "do my best." But I never got the chance to arrive at my own notion or conviction about what that was. There was always an external exhortation or demand. What I wish for my daughter is to help her be in touch with herself at all times, so that she will know herself best, and have the tools to be all of who she is in the best possible way.

44. Find Your Own Meaning

"If you look to your children
to provide meaning for your life,
your life will be meaningless.
If you need them to be successful
to feel successful yourself,
you will always fail.

Your children were not born
to complete your life.
They were born to complete their own.
When you look inside and discover
that you have everything you need,
you will find your freedom.

As long as you perceive
that your life lacks something
you are in danger
of using your children
to satisfy that lack.
This is far too great a burden
for them to bear.
Are you looking to them
when you need to be looking
to yourself?"

For a long time I thought that having a family would complete my life. Instead I have learned, through my pursuit of faith, art, love, adventure, and service, that I am complete. I will encourage, admire, and rejoice in my daughter as she pursues her meaning. I am sure her journey, and my witness of it, will reveal even more aspects of my own. I welcome that, with gratitude. 

43. Doing Nothing

"Doing nothing while your child fails
requires great courage
and is the way of wisdom.
Gentleness when your child misbehaves
requires great self-control
and is the way of power.

Do not succumb to
berating,
scolding,
interfering,
interrupting,
lecturing,
or controlling
your child.
Let your gentle presence
teach all that is necessary.

My father tried to teach me responsibility
by scrutinizing my every action
to make sure it was done right.
I didn't really learn responsibility
until I discovered the consequences
of doing it wrong.
Every mistake your child makes
is another step forward
on the long road to wholeness.
Every time you interfere
you both step backwards."

I know that resting is not doing nothing. At the same time, I am learning that it is best to rest from situations about which I can do nothing, from problems that I cannot solve, from needs that I cannot meet. I grew up under a similar scrutiny to that which this author describes. While it taught me the conscientiousness to say, "What went wrong? What can I do?" when confronted with a difficulty, I failed to learn that when I can't do anything, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me.

Further, I am learning (as a parent, as a partner, as a friend) that most of what people might classify as "misbehavior" is the result of miscommunication. When I misunderstand someone, or don't set an appropriate or firm boundary, or fail to observe the boundaries of someone else, mistakes result. Most of these are not "doing something wrong," but rather not controlling myself, not listening to the other person, not being gentle with either of us: Letting defenses go up and letting justifications rain down, getting distracted and not being present. Rest can bring me back to center. Doing nothing will help me heal. 

42. Befriend Solitude

"Learning to handle the many moods
and activities of life
requires solitude.

Do not let the demands
of an overly active world
rob your children of their peace.
Constant stimulation
without the balance of quietness
creates chaos.
The child who early befriends solitude
becomes one with all that is
and inherits everything.

First you must embrace solitude in your own life.
It is more difficult than you think.
Distractions are everywhere.
Even the mind is noisy.
Give your children time to play without agenda,
to read without purpose,
to daydream without limits,
and to discover without fear.
Allow yourself the same."

When I lived alone--truly alone, when I thought I would never have a partner or family--I learned something about how to be "poor in spirit" means to feel the need for God. Honestly I don't know how I would have made it through my loneliest days without feeling that need. I learned to make room for God in my life, and He has led me to and through everything I have and experience now. 

41. Finding Balance

"There are so many paradoxes in parenting
that it is difficult to find balance.
Some don't even try.
They just plunge ahead,
ignoring the subtle whispers of wisdom.
Others try half-heartedly,
but resort to old methods
when they get confused.
But some hear wisdom's quiet voice
and make it their own.

They find strength in softness,
power in flexibility,
perfection in mistakes,
success in failure,
clarity in confusion,
and love in letting go.

Parenting paradoxes abound.
Don't let appearances deceive you.
Things may not be at all as they seem.
What's going on with your children right now?
Are you sure?
Or are you just making assumptions?
Buried in the most difficult of times
are polished gems.
Lurking beneath serene surfaces
lie turbulent waters.
Stay balanced."

There are so many moments throughout the day where I'm not sure what to do. My number-one rule is to respond. Even if I get it wrong, my daughter will see me trying. I listen to her, I listen to myself. I get help when I feel I need it. What else can I do? 

40. Quiet the Mind

"Our bodies produce
the bodies of our children.
Our noisy minds produce
the fears of our children.
But the Tao produces
the spirit of our children.

Still the body.
Quiet the mind.
Discover the spirit.

Meditation is not complicated
nor esoteric.
It is a natural skill,
practiced in many variations.
Breathe in and think, 'Be...'
Breathe out and think, '...still.'
Once you learn,
teach your children.
You don't have to call it meditation.
Call it, 'being still like a mountain.'
Bring forth their natural ability
to remain quiet and at rest.
(Yes, they can.
even if for brief periods.
Can you?)"

It's never been very easy for me to be idle. The drive to be doing something and working hard is strong. Still, I hope there's always peace in the way I go about things. This is what I want to model for my daughter: A certain deliberation, patience, and thoughtfulness so that she will feel cared for and considered, capable of acting with confidence and without fear.

39. Are You in the Way?

"Wise parents let things unfold
with as little interference as possible.
They remain out of the way,
not calling attention to themselves.
Their children discover
the natural harmony of things,
and work out their conflicts
in ways that establish true peace.

When parents interfere,
and constantly meddle in their children's lives,
the natural order is forgotten.
Conflicts are escalated,
learning is curtailed,
and confusion reigns.

There are certainly times when we should guide.
We naturally want to protect our children,
and teach them what we have learned.
But it is best when we let that guidance
be as unobtrusive,
and gentle as possible.
Forcing lessons on our children
may get the immediate results we want.
But our children may be left without discernment,
unable to build internal strength of character.
What are your children in the midst of learning
now?
Are you in the way?"

I sometimes feel I have spent my entire life getting out of the way--out of everyone else's way, and then out of my own way. Now, especially, having become a disabled parent to an apparently non-disabled child, it seems my job is to get out of her way, too. I know I have struggled with things that she may not, so I might be able to offer her some uncommon wisdom. At the same time, I know that the world is in flux in a way that it hasn't quite been in over a hundred years--so the world I've brought her into holds struggles to come that I cannot imagine. Through our relationship we'll be equipped to face them. It's the only way forward. 

38. No Need for Force

"Strong parents have no need
to bully and coerce their children.
Weak parents push and shove,
yell and hit,
and still have no power at all.

If good behavior is demanded of children,
without a reservoir of goodness for supply,
nothing is gained.
If religion is preached to children
as external forms
and dogmatic beliefs,
emptiness results.

Wise parents know
that deep within their children
is a free spirit and a goodness
that need not be forced,
only watered
and encouraged.

Don't be deceived
when your children's behavior
seems bad or immoral.
This is not their true nature.
You will not change them
by the force of your will.
Force on your part
will only cloud the issue.
If you were to let go of expectations,
and let yourself be at peace,
what would your children see?"

In my life I have had to let go of a lot. Except in the most essential ways my life has turned out nothing like I thought it would. I'm grateful that I took the liberty of imagining it so many different ways, so that eventually I would be able to leave my disappointment for curiosity. Perhaps this is why I've managed to approach parenting with a fairly open heart. I'm grateful for rather than skeptical about articles I see on the Internet with titles like, "10 Ways Your Toddler Seems to Be Acting Out, But Isn't." I feel hopeful rather than afraid when  I try an activity, communication, or concept with my daughter that doesn't seem to work. If I can show her how I'm gentle with myself, maybe she will learn to be gentle with herself, too. If I can teach her how to be resourceful, neither of us will need to fear whatever may befall her. Just now I believe that "reservoir of goodness for supply," is resilience not only built, but also practiced.

37. Encourage Natural Desires

"Don't be misled.
God has no desires.
How could that which contains All,
want for anything else?
Yet all true desires
have their fulfillment in God.

Your children will face natural,
and unnatural
desires.
All natural desires
are naturally fulfilled.
Those who chase unnatural desires
will never find rest.
If you can help your children distinguish
between these two,
they will live contented, happy lives.

We all naturally desire to love and be loved,
to belong, to dance and sing,
to find and to live our bliss.
Show your children that these desires
will find their satisfaction
in the natural unfolding of things.

This is a difficult task
for those of us who have been trained
to support the economy
by remaining continuously unsatisfied.
Our children hear far more advertising hours
each and every week,
than they hear our own voice in a month.
Can you show them by their own actions
how true happiness can be found
in loving, living, and dancing?"

I grew up yearning for the great depth and breadth of life, so that into adulthood I reached far and sought bravely that which I thought I was supposed to want. As I learned to let all of that go, I learned also to simplify, looking more deeply into myself and my immediate surroundings so that I would know true satisfaction. I'm still not quite there yet, but I'm discovering the real value of my life's struggle and striving, which begets a natural desire all its own.

36. Opposites Are Necessary

"If you want your children to be generous,
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
you must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.

A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite.

All your friends,
(especially the grandparents)
will tell you this is nonsense.
But look carefully inside of yourself.
Only the child with a strong sense of self
can be truly generous.
Only the child who discovers his or her bliss
will truly work hard.
Most of what passes as discipline and hard work
is an overlay of coerced behavior.
It has no authentic power or joy.
Only the lazy, undisciplined dreamer
can discover within the source of true discipline
that will bring great success."

I was raised with--and had reinforced in school and all manner of other activities--the idea that I had to "pay my dues" in order to, eventually, accomplish my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of time for daydreaming as a kid, and I took more than full advantage of it. But along with that I was always expected to be working toward some grander goal, and only with the approval and encouragement of the adults in my life. What was framed for me as a "sacrifice for the greater good" actually became a sacrifice of myself to please others. I see it now as the biggest waste of my time and potential, because more than anything I lost at least my sense of self-direction, if not my sense of self entirely. I learned to seek approval rather than fulfillment, and it would be years before I ever learned that it was even remotely okay to seek a fulfilling life. I think I'm finally on my way to doing that rightly, and I'm so grateful I now have a family of my own to bring along (and up) on my journey.

35. Make the Ordinary Come Alive

"Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is a way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

You will have to constantly contend
with the pressure for ever more,
and ever bigger,
the culture seeks to impose
on your children
and you.
It takes courage and discipline
to go slow,
live simply,
and see clearly.
But the rewards are great.
What ordinary thing can you do together today?"

As a kid, I was always looking for magic. I believed in everything, and longed for all of the fairy tales and other fiction stories I read to be real. As I grew up I felt this must be a sign of my discontent, and proof of the "fact" that I did not, in fact, belong anywhere. As I have actually matured I see now that this longing, this imagination, on my part has given me the insight to look on the events and trappings of everyday life as anything but ordinary. This has emboldened me to pursue the path I always wanted, that my elders often scoffed at in the pressure they placed on me to achieve. I have a family, and simple work to do. It may not be glamorous, but it is enough. And in this world, so deprived of justice and filled with pain, it is indeed extraordinary to have--or better yet, to be--enough.  

34. Be As the Tao

"In many ways the good parent
must be like the Tao.
But not in ways that you might think.
The Tao loves all of creation,
but does not seek to control.
The Tao nourishes all life everywhere,
but does not judge that life.
The Tao cherishes every person,
but does not grasp or cling.

Can you love without control?
Can you nourish without judgement?
Can you cherish without grasping?
Of course you can,
for the Tao flows through you.

Despite what you may have heard,
God does not
control,
judge,
or grasp.
All of your 'God' words
will not teach your children as much
as will your nurture,
and your love,
and your cherishing."

One thing I have heard over and over is that consistency is the key to good parenting. I have never been a slave to routine, and while I don't necessarily struggle to follow a schedule or structure, it's never been fun or particularly edifying for me to set my own. Fortunately, I've married someone who is very much the opposite, so I am hopeful that between the two of us we will be able to create a structure and set a schedule that works for our family.

Another area in which I struggle, mostly because our daughter is still so little, is with notions of discipline, or what I'm starting to think of as our own, ongoing game of Truth or Consequences. I'm learning that--at least at this stage--the main purpose of discipline is to set and enforce boundaries, so that our family can be and feel confident and secure in our interpersonal interactions with each other and the world. When following through on the enforcement results in something that makes my daughter upset or uncomfortable, it's devastating for me. But I need to control myself, so I follow through. I need to model self-control so my daughter will gain a sense of control over herself and her place in the world. 

33. There Are Few Things You Must Know

"There are few things you must know
to become a wise parent.
You must know that you are going to die,
for then you will be able to truly live.

You must know when you have enough,
for then you will be content.
You must know how to laugh,
for then you will find healing.

There are many things you need not know.
You need not know everything your children think
or do.
You need not know your secret dreams and hopes.
You need not know how life will unfold for them,
or for yourself.

Live your own life,
with all your heart,
and all your mind,
and with all your soul.
There is no need to live theirs.
They will do that wonderfully
by themselves."

Over and over again, I get the lesson to let go. So far it has taught me always to hold things--and people--lightly, rather than tightly: To be tender and respectful and mindful of the gifts and time that life gives all of us. As I learn again this letting go, I open myself even further to the essential and basic truths of myself and my part to play in humanity. and to my hope that in letting go I will widen my embrace more and more. 

32. Rules Do Not Give Life

"Rules do not give life.
The Tao gives life.
And the Tao is seen in butterflies
and in galaxies.
If children were trusted to discover God
in the center of their own hearts
the world would be at peace.

But we have made systems of rules
and institutions of control.
Accept this as the way things are
but always recognize the limitations of rules,
and the dangers of institutions.
Rules can guide a child but cannot define that
child.
Institutions can nurture a child
but cannot bring that child to maturity.

For a short while,
when your children are young,
you may be able to coerce good behavior.
But goodness of the heart
can never be coerced.
It can only be encouraged
or discouraged.
Consider your family's rules,
spoken and unspoken.
Who made them?
Who benefits from them, and how?
Do they encourage
or discourage your children?"

As parents I hope my husband and I can make and enforce only the rules we need. By this I mean not just ones that may be "typical" of families or childhoods, but ones that will suit and guide the growth and temperaments of our children. The rules we make should support them and allow them to develop an intuitive understanding of their own safety, their autonomy, and their privacy--these fundamental entitlements every person has. May the rules we enforce reinforce the lesson that all people are entitled to these, one neither more nor less than another, anywhere. 

31. Your Children Are Not Your Enemies

"Your children are not your enemies.
You need not fear them.
Differences with them are not battles
that you must win or lose.
If you lock yourself into seeming warfare,
all perspective becomes lost.
Terrible and hurtful things are said.
The whole family suffers
and the wounds are slow to heal.
Win and lose
are words a family does not need.

You do not have to battle for your authority.
Authority is something you have within yourself.
If your children do not see it,
that is a sorrow,
but you cannot force their seeing.
If you keep this in mind,
many of your battles will disappear.
Difficult times may remain,
but weapons of mass destruction
are no longer needed."

Today was not a good day. My patience--usually the one thing I feel I can count on--was gone. I often have moments where I wonder how I make it through the day, but this is one day where I'm genuinely surprised I did. I am sure that many parents go through this, and I'm confident that I'm not alone. But it doesn't prevent me from feeling I am, no matter who else is with me or what else is going on. Having struggled with such a feeling all my life, I've learned to use it to help me bring myself back to my center, back into balance. Maybe in the morning I'll find it again. 

30. Good Behavior

"There are many ways to get children
to behave as you wish.
You can force, plead, and bribe.
You can manipulate, trick, and persuade.
You can use shame, guilt, and reason.
These will all rebound upon you.
You will be in constant conflict.

Attend instead to your own actions.
Develop contentment within yourself.
Find peace and love in all you do.
This will keep you busy enough.
There is no need to control others.

If you are able to release even some small part
of your persistent need to control,
you will discover an amazing paradox.
The things you attempt to force
now begin to occur naturally.
People around you begin to change.
Your children find appropriate behavior
emerging from within themselves
and are delighted.
Laughter returns to all."

I often felt while I was growing up like the adults around me held me to a higher standard than they held themselves. While I think it's normal and natural for parents to expect or want more for and from their children, to require much without giving a faithful example of how to attain it is unjust as well as cruel.

I remember one Easter dinner when this hit home for me. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was humiliated. I'd been seated beside my mom, who noticed at one point in the meal that I had dribbled a drop of milk from my glass onto my grandma's tablecloth. Instead of gently pointing it out to me and asking me to clean up after myself, Mom commented loudly and rushed to wipe it up herself.  In the process she knocked over her glass of white wine, which spilled in its entirety onto my lap. Already embarrassed about the milk, I was now also cold, stinky, and soaking wet. My dress was ruined.

I may have mustered the courage to speak up for myself, because while I don't now recall the particular fate of my dress, I do seem to remember my mother issuing a rare--for that time--apology and kindly helping me clean myself up somehow. I'm glad I learned then that adults are not perfect, that everyone makes mistakes, and that most mistakes can be fixed. However, it took me a much longer time to learn that I am not just a mess waiting to be made or an inconvenience to everyone around me. I still live with the echoes of these lies in my heart. Good behavior can quiet them, remembering acts of physical repair puts them in perspective, but the emotional impact remains. What I hope to do with my daughter is empower her to act graciously on her own behalf, always. This means not only cleaning up her own messes or fixing her own mistakes, but also recognizing when she is missing an opportunity to do so, and demanding to do justice to the world and her place in it.

29. The Very Energy of the Universe

"Your children are not mere lumps of clay
waiting for your expert hands.
They are the very energy of the universe
and will become what they will become.
They are sacred beings.
If you tamper with them
you will make everyone miserable.

They will find success,
and failure.
They will be happy,
and sad.
They will delight you,
and disappoint you.
They will be safe,
and at great risk.
They will live,
and they will die.

Stay at the center of your own soul.
There is nothing else you can do.

My son almost lost his life as a teenager.
There was nothing I could do.
I remember accepting that he might die.
I cried for hours.
I got up and returned to my life and to my loves.
Years later, he is a happy, strong, wonderful young
man--
all because of his choices,
not mine."

All my daughter's experiences will be her own. Even the ones we share together will have different layers, takes, narratives, and perspectives. Our memories, impressions, and feelings will differ. As I accept my daughter, I also accept her life--as it is and will be, not as I wish it. 

28. Transforming the World

"The world insists on achievement and progress
and it is full of enmity and strife.
Can you see all this and still help your children
maintain their trust and hope and peace?

Can you accept the world as it is,
yet live according to a different standard?
Can you let your children see
a way of living
that transforms,
heals,
nurtures,
and loves?

If you complain about politics,
and gripe about taxes,
and stew about the sorry state of things
your children will learn to whine instead of laugh.
If you can see in every moment
a chance to live,
and to accept,
and to appreciate,
your children will transform the world."

Along with my gradual self-acceptance has come an understanding that to accept the way things are in life and in the world is not necessarily to condone them. Working toward change is a process during which I become equipped to deal with things as they are so that I can have deeper insight into how to change them as needed. In my experience this happens only when I am willing to deal with forces beyond my control, as well as truly recognize what I have (or should have) control over and how to take that control gracefully. In parenting, as my responsibilities increase along with my need for self-control, my desire to control anything outside myself lessens.  When something happens that provokes, shames, or hurts me, bringing me back to a less empowered state or time in my life, I can remember how far I've come and how deeply I've transformed myself, so I  can continue to help repair the world around me. 

27. Fan the Spark

"Your children plan their own education,
like it or not.
You must learn to cooperate with that plan.
If they are drawing,
they become artists.
If they are reading,
they become students.
If they are investigating something.
they become scientists.
If they are helping prepare a meal,
they become chefs.
Whatever they are doing,
they are learning.
And it is, for them,
pure joy.

Can you refrain from judging their interests?
Can you give them room to explore?
Schools do not often do this.
You may be the only one
who can fan the spark of their creativity
into a flame of joy."

When I was young, I did not learn to do things for enjoyment; I learned to do them for achievement. The latter is a dangerous objective for learning. I want to spend my life as a parent unlearning this. I want to show my daughter not only how to have fun, but also how to take a genuine interest in learning something new, because the learning never stops. It's the greatest gift we all can share. 

26. Become the Student

"Children are fascinated by the ordinary
and can spend timeless moments
watching sunlight play with dust.
Their restlessness they learn from you.
It is you who are thinking of there
when you are here.
It is you who thinks of then
instead of now.
Stop.
Let your children become the teachers,
and you become the student.

Your children may frequently change the focus
of their attention.
But this is not restlessness.
It is curiosity.
When they are doing something
they are doing only that
until they move on to the next thing.
Watch them.
Let them set the pace.
See what you can learn."

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. My sister was the opposite; she wanted to stay a kid, always. Now, we tend to be opposites again, where I've said to her before, "I hate being an adult," to which she responded, "I actually prefer it." At the point in my life of this conversation, I was very much alone, and convinced I would stay that way forever; my sister, on the other hand, had found her partner and married young, enjoying the support for her career and social circle that came with that (or so it seemed to me then.)

At this point in my life, when I, too, am happily married and my sister and I seem to have much more in common, I find it rather funny as well as a small mercy that I am the one of us who has had a child. Raising my daughter is showing me actively what I had long suspected--that "adulthood" is a myth, and growing up takes (literally) forever. Only the learning is real. 

25. Clouds of Light

"They look so small and frail
but they are so great and magnificent.
They are born of the same womb
that birthed the cosmos
and knitted together the galaxies.

If you could see them as they truly are
you would be astounded.
You would not see little children,
but dancing clouds of light,
energy in motion,
swimming in an ocean of love.

They are so much more
than what you see.
As are you.

Life can seem mundane.
But it is not.
Children can seem ordinary,
and troublesome,
and fragile.
But they are not.
You may feel alone,
and separated,
and powerless.
But you are not."

It takes so much for people to stop believing lies about themselves. I know, for me, that the lies still haunt and taunt, even though I know they are not true. As I watch and wait for my daughter to tell me the truth of herself, I must remember my main responsibility: To show her the true me. It all takes a certain fearlessness, and I hope that as I affirm her truth she will grow to affirm the truth of--and in--everyone. 

24. Agendas--Yours or Theirs?

"If you push your children,
they will lose their balance.
If you are always running them here and there,
they will get nowhere.
If you put them in the spotlight,
they will be unable to see their own light.
If you seek to impose upon them
your own ideas of who they should be,
they will become nothing.

If you want them to thrive,
do what you can for their safety,
then let go.

Do you have agendas for your children
that are more important than the children
themselves?
Lost in the shuffle of uniforms,
practices,
games,
recitals,
and performances
can be the creative and joyful soul of your child.
Watch and listen carefully.

Do they have time to daydream?
From their dreams will emerge
the practices and activities
that will make self-discipline
as natural as breathing.
Encourage these."

When I was in college I attended a talk by the Catholic apologist Tim Staples. His talk at Cal State Long Beach, where I was visiting, centered on romantic relationships and marriage--always a popular  topic among Catholic students! Anyway, one particular thing from that talk has always stood out to me. He spoke about the need for spouses to approach each other as they would God, recognizing God in the other person and keeping their loved one's best interest at heart, effectively telling them, "Your will be done!" To which the only appropriate response of the other spouse is, "No, honey, your will be done!" And on and on.

It was a funny illustration but also effective in showing me the extent to which it's possible to build trust--always a process--with another person, and have confidence not only in their discernment and decision-making ability but also in their love and care for me. Now that my husband and I have been charged with loving and caring for our daughter, we want to build this kind of trust with her, and instill this kind of confidence. We want to guide her so she will learn self-control and humility. 

23. No Mixed Messages

"Natural parents do not give mixed messages.
When they are angry, their children see their anger
and learn it is not to be feared.
When they are sad, their children see their sadness
and learn it can be borne.
When the difficult feelings pass there is no residue.
Their relationship with their children remains
pure and uncontaminated.

It is terribly difficult to parent naturally.
We have learned to repress,
modify, and distrust
our natural responses
until we can barely recognize them.
Of course you should not 'dump'
your repressed feelings upon your children.
But you can begin to feel them yourself
and become a friend of your own nature.

This will enable you to express yourself,
appropriately and mindfully, to your children.
There will be less and less hidden agenda
and the fresh air will cleanse everyone."

Self-acceptance has helped me understand that I can still express myself fully, even when I am not being listened to or heard. Through self-awareness in my expression, I can stay accountable to and in integrity with myself. To me this is essential to recognizing the self of my daughter, and differentiating herself from my own self. There is no "we" unless my daughter and I are both whole and in our fullness with each other. 

22. Your Greatest Legacy

"If you want your children to succeed,
show them how to fail.
If you want them to be happy,
show them how to be sad.
If you want them to be healthy,
show them how to be sick.
If you want them to have much,
show them how to enjoy little.
Parents who hide failure, deny loss,
and berate themselves for weakness,
have nothing to teach their children.
But parents who reveal themselves,
in all their humanness,
become heroes.
For children look to these parents
and learn to love themselves.

Parenting need not be a burden,
one more thing you have to do
and don't do well enough.
Instead consider your failures,
your sorrows,
your illnesses,
and your difficulties
as your primary teaching opportunities."

I have a favorite prayer that goes, "...grant us patience with all the trials of this life..." and have learned that indeed, this life is nothing more than a series of opportunities to rise to the occasion. Often the occasion doesn't look how I think it will, and the rising is more of an ascent--rising to the occasion takes learning and effort. Many occasions are created by mistakes, which themselves are occasions for learning. I have learned not to fear these, but rather to hone my skills to deal with them. I worry often that I have nothing to teach my daughter, but I realize now, instead, that I can give her a powerful example to follow if I remain committed to a path of integrity. 

21. The Hidden Mystery of Their Being

"Although you give your children names,
their reality is nameless and mysterious.
Their mystery is hidden,
yet plain to see.
It disappears when you stare at it.
It hides when you seek it.
To find it you must look into yourself.
If you can discover the secret of your own life,
you will glimpse the mystery of your children.

Though this mystery cannot be described,
it can be trusted.
You can trust it in yourself.
You can trust it in your children.
How do I know this?
I see it everywhere.

Imagine yourself as a child.
There was someone present there
your parents never knew,
a mystery they could not fathom.
Look at your children closely.
You will never know the mystery of their being.
Can you love them still?"

At this point I think I love my daughter for her mystery: How much she says, how little I yet comprehend; all the steps of her life's path yet to be laid out or taken. As I watch her discover everything, I reflect on the growth I have experienced in embracing my own mystery, and I am grateful. 

20. Be a Model of Honesty

"If you want to become a wise parent
you must be prepared to appear foolish.
You must be willing to say,
'Why should I chase this way and that,
always grasping,
always running?
Nuts!'
Unless you stop following the crowd,
how can your children be free?

To teach your children strength
you must be willing to appear weak.
You must renounce ambition and struggle
and embrace serenity and peace.
You must confess your faults
and embrace your failures.
You must face yourself with honesty
and find the truth of your nature.

Your children need a model of honesty.
If you pretend you have no weaknesses,
and cover them under masks and facades,
your children will learn to do the same,
and the game will be on.
Begin today to see,
and accept,
the real you beneath the role."

I can never do anything less than what I think is right. I realize that I may not always know in any given moment what that is, but if I'm transparent about my process then my daughter will learn how to arrive at her own convictions. In the moments when I falter, may I forgive myself, and teach her how to forgive. In the moments when I doubt, may I open myself to deeper certainty. I am willing always to do and say everything for the deepest, truest purpose I know. 

19. Recognize the Inner Realities

"If you try to make your children good,
you will make them,
and yourself,
miserable.
Instead show them you believe in
their natural goodness
and all will be blessed.

If you try to make them honor you
you will create instead
resentment and dishonesty.
Instead honor yourself and them
and all will be happy.

If you try to make them successful
you will perpetuate their misery
of endless desires.
Instead enjoy the simple life
and all will find contentment.

You do not have to teach the outward niceties.
You have to recognize the inward realities.
You do not have to make things turn out well.
You have to recognize that all is well."

I'm grateful to have had an opportunity to reflect on theory of mind before my daughter was born. I am determined to honor the complexity of her inner life no matter how much or little of that she ever chooses to share with me. 

18. Natural Virtues

"All young children naturally love God.
As they grow they are trained by others
and turn instead to piety and religion.

All young children are naturally
at ease with their bodies.
As they grow, they are shamed by others
and become self-conscious and filled with tension.

All young children naturally relate
to other people well.
As they grow they see conflict
and become fearful and guarded.

All virtues arise naturally
until fear and training interfere.
Then virtues disappear
and rules take their place.

Look for the natural virtues of your children.
You may have to pay careful attention.
We are trained not to notice them,
or to distrust them.
But they are the real thing.
They don't have to be taught,
only nurtured.
What natural virtues can you notice in your child today?"

As I watch my daughter grow from day to day, I see how all of who she is is already here. I'm starting to understand that the purpose of disciplining her is to teach her how to set, and respect, boundaries, so that she can protect herself, respect herself, honor herself, and care for those around her at the same time. It's taken me all of who I am to learn how to do these things for myself and others, and of course I am still learning. I hope to show my daughter that I approve her, so she will be inspired to improve herself: Not according to what I think of her, but to what she discovers in and about herself. 

17. No Need for Threats

"You can control your children
through threats and punishments
and they will learn to fear.
You can control their behavior
by praise and reward
and they will learn to look outside themselves
for approval and for worth.
You can watch over their every movement,
every action, every decision,
making sure they do it 'right,'
and they will learn to always
doubt themselves.
Or you can love and guide
without controlling or interfering
and they will learn to trust themselves.

If your child fails at something
merely express your confidence
in their ability to handle the consequences.
If they behave irresponsibly,
merely point out the consequences to themselves
and others,
and again express your trust that they will learn.
As soon as possible give them another opportunity
to be appropriately responsible.
Do not slip into the downward spiral
of blame,
shame,
and control.
It doesn't work."

I was raised to seek approval and to be "convenient" for the adults around me. This led me to become someone who is always happy to oblige and ready to take a servile role. While I have learned to delight in service and understand the measure of freedom therein, I sometimes wonder how much more resilient I would have been, and how much sooner, if I had sooner gained the insight to see service as a choice, rather than an obligation.

I find this increasingly informing how I interact with my daughter. Tonight, she helped me unload the dishwasher. She has discovered how to take the silverware out of the basket and pass it to me so I can put it away. The dishes are something she sees me do often, and as she has become more mobile and active (and ever more fascinated with the dishwasher) I have tried to include her in my experience. This makes it more joyful for me and, so, not a chore, but a game to play together. I hope to show her how even the smallest, most menial of tasks are necessary to the meaningful enjoyment of life.