Knowledge

Life is
Beauty,
Terror,
Knowledge."

I often wonder what it would have been like if I had known ahead of time where I would be now. I'm sure it would have given me some measure of peace of mind. But from where I stand now, I don't want to know the future. The beauty is in the revealing of it, in the gratitude for terror lifted, in the peace that comes with terror faced. All of that gives knowledge, and with knowledge, in His time, I grow strong.

Impermanence

"Tidal windstorm
Splits trees and rock,
Yet cannot last a day.
So much less, man's work."

This has not been my easiest week of teaching. Students, caught up in their own affairs, seem to care little about what I do, even when I do it for them. They resist me at every turn, and I struggle to keep my motivation. It's frustrating. I care so much about them that I find myself hard-pressed to realize that they change, I change, classes change...Everything changes, even if I can't see it in the moment. If I can stay aware of that process of change, maybe I'll be more serene in everyday moments. It might be easier to stay focused on that which is eternal.

 

Organization

"Pattern and creativity
Are the two poles of action."

Lao Tzu is credited with having said, "To see things in the seed, that is genius." Such seeing requires not only the observation of patterns but also the recognition of and rejoicing in unrestrained creativity. Perhaps only when we balance these two within ourselves will we know joy. 

Circulation

"Spirituality begins in the loins,
Ascends up the back,
And returns to the navel."

Christian people know well the struggle to reconcile things of the flesh with things of the spirit. Perhaps all people know this, one way or the other. I think the most important thing to remember is that God sees and knows all of our struggles and all of our desires. If we do our work of bringing them each before Him, He will validate and vindicate them one by one, for His purpose. 

Stretching

"When young, things are soft.
When old, things are brittle."

Around the time I was leaving Ireland, a friend and housemate from Japan told me I would make a good ESL teacher because I had "good curiosity about other people and cultures." Other friends have given me similar feedback, both before and since then, but it was difficult to realize in my own terms; I've suffered often as the subject of others' negative, invasive curiosity: About my body, about my faith choices, about my relationships or lack thereof. Once I became receptive to my friends' observations, I could cultivate curiosity--both my own and other people's--by making and accepting invitations, forming questions and timing them sensitively. I'm not always successful, but as I continue working to soften those inflexible, hard places within, I become more alive. 

Perseverance

"Invisible lines.
The fisherman repairs his net
And the fish are nearly caught."

So often I fail to see my own effort, or the good in it. Perhaps this is a failure of self-awareness. With thanks to a dear friend, lately I've been reflecting on what it means to fail with grace and integrity. Perhaps it only means not to fail absolutely. So I keep going, pray without ceasing, and, well, just love. What else could I ever do? 

Walking

"Trail beside stream,
Fragrant pine.
Rocky red earth,
Steep mountain."

"Why can't you walk?" the kids would ask me in school. "You walk like you're retarded," they would say. But by now I've learned to rejoice in the rhythms of my body. And when I give up walking for a different beat, that will also be my choice. For now, I know,

Resolution

"Footsteps in the sand
Quickly washed away:
The seashore mind."

Surely His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. May I only ever love Him and give Him my grateful heart in return.

Subconscious

"Heaven and hell:
Our subconscious."

I strive to maintain a sort of daily equilibrium, doing what I know I can and taking small steps toward my goals day to day. Sometimes, though, life demands something bigger--and greater--than what I think I have available at any given moment. I used to be afraid to entertain that, for fear that it would crush my spirit, upset the balance I strive so hard to achieve. Now I know that not only can I entertain those bigger, greater things; indeed I must, if I am to stand before Him as His servant, as His child. 

Worry

"Worry is an addiction
That interferes with compassion."

I should get in the habit of asking myself, "What do you gain by worrying?" I try so hard to be smart and thoughtful, caring and considerate in everything I do, and it would seem only natural in the midst of one's busy life to equate "worry" with care, concern, consideration, compassion. And yet, when I ask myself this question, I have a million negative answers--that is, for all the things I lose: Time. Energy. Focus. Sometimes even money (that is, to do the things in this life that are truly worth doing!) Eventually, might that devolve into a loss of empathy, care, consideration, even compassion, as I zero in on all the things that concern me, trouble me, worry me only? I know He is greater than all my worry. I know He would give me the grace of true compassion if only I could ask the right question.

Adapting

"Heaven embraces the horizon.
No matter how jagged the profile,
The sky faithfully conforms."

How can anyone move forward in this life except with a grateful heart? To have experiences behind and possibilities before--can there be anything better as we make our way through eternity?

Discord

"When birds fly too high,
They sing out of tune."

Lately I've been feeling out of sync with the world around me. Some folks I love and whose relationships I value don't respond to me; others initiate unexpectedly. Either way I'm blessed, I know, and I can choose to see the uncertainty and confusion either as a distraction or as a way to keep me humble. In both action and non-action, one choice is clear: Keep moving forward toward better, more balanced days. 

Vantage

"Distant ridges, faraway clouds
All events come from a distance.
With a high vantage point,
Foretelling the future is elementary."

I trust God to reveal His truth to me in His time. I trust that He created me to be an expression of His truth. That's why, when I read Hinds' Feet on High Places , I was so horrified to find the main character this wretched creature, the moral of whose story was that she could not climb as created, but had to wait for God to transform her...It made no sense. Isn't it from my slowness and imbalance that come both the patience to endure and the endurance to finish my course? Isn't it in my tightly coiled muscles that the strength to do His will must be found? I can climb as I am, I will meet Him as He created me...Must I not also be lovable and acceptable in His sight, as I climb with all of what He gave me?

Utilization

"Kites harness the force of the wind.
They express our intent,
But they cannot change the wind."

What if God trusts me enough to use His power for the greatest good of the whole world? Isn't it St. Catherine of Siena who said, "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire"? This shows me that God needs us, all of us. I've always suspected that my fire is on a slow burn, and having just learned that Catherine of Siena is the patron saint of miscarriages, I don't know where to begin my prayers anew in the midst of fear and trembling. I can only use what I know to help me on my way forward. 

Engagement

"Prey passes the tiger who
Sometimes merely looks,
Sometimes pounces without hesitation,
But never fails to act."

Tonight I want to thank a friend who has always encouraged me to commit to full participation in my own life. If that sounds obvious, I want to emphasize that the encouragement comes from a place of awareness--that each life is precious and available this way only once in eternity. While I have such a gift, I must embrace it to its fullest every moment.

Defense

"Demons who enter your circle

Must be pushed out."

I pray this every day:

At the same time, I pray that no one would demonize me or push me out of their circles. It's devastating to think that not everyone shares a desire to see the best in others. But then, is it really so surprising when I struggle every day to see the best in myself?

Ubiquity

"Tao is everywhere.
It cannot be kept from the sincere."

I know, I know, "Seek and ye shall find." And yet, how often I stand (or sit or lie) paralyzed in fear: Of rejection, of defeat, of hatred or pain or scorn. None of it matters in the face of God's love. I shall never stop seeking. 

Orientation

"Planets orbit the sun.
Forms orbit the mind."

Too often I let my mind become plagued by malformed, malcontented thoughts. I lose my focus too easily, when what should be easy is keeping it. Tonight I redouble my resolve to free my mind in Him. 

Lovemaking

"Nocturnal downpour
Wakes the lovers,
Floods the valley."

I had never done it before we got married. I, who had hoped for it, longed for it, seen it as such an impossibly beautiful thing, still have had so much to learn about the patience, tenderness and trust true lovemaking requires. I am growing in the bond of joy it creates between my husband and me, and I am so grateful.

Scars

"Markings in dry clay disappear
Only when the clay is soft again.
Scars upon the self disappear
Only when one becomes soft within."

Some scars never go away. I have that kind. It's important to acknowledge them, but there is something to be said for not using something like that to define oneself. I think the biggest challenge is to integrate it. When people tell me, "I don't see you as disabled," I want to say to them, "You don't get to ignore something I have to live with." The acknowledgement is so important. We may never be able to understand each others' wounds fully, but we can behold them, respect them, believe them. Perhaps all of that will make a way for healing. 

Accountability

"A father without a father
Has difficulty balancing.
A master without a master
Is dangerous."

Free will does not seem to mesh well with accountability. Perhaps this is why people say faith is a gift: A wish from deep within ourselves to be a part of something greater than we are, which, when acted upon, means we should acknowledge the fatherhood of God above all else. Who else gives our authority to us, and who but God calls us to share it with others? 

Feasting

"Feasting is the flame in midwinter
That kindles the fire of friendship
And strengthens the community."

I work hard, but I have so much. The only thing I could do with it all is share. And yet, as sometimes happens in relationships, in work, in daily life, the sharing is impossible one way or the other. It's the hardest thing in the world to persevere when you feel like nobody wants what you have to offer.  At the same time, it must be the only thing worth doing. 

Adoration

"Images on the altar,
Or imagined within:
We pray to them,
But do they answer?"

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that "The desire for God is written in the human heart…" and in this church, it's true, I've found the greatest number of ways to access that desire: Mass appeals to my senses, prayers and fasting remind me to build inner discipline and outer community. Our images on the altar, so scorned by some, are simple reminders that, "The kingdom of God is within you." Everything I need has been given to me already if I only have the courage to acknowledge it. 

Uselessness

"An ancient gnarled tree:
Too fibrous for a logger's saw,
Too twisted to fit a carpenter's square,
Outlasts the whole forest."

Who decides what--or who--is useful, or what--or who--isn't? God calls us according to his purpose, and yes, some people would say that our job is to show up and tell God, "Use me, use me, please!" I think it's not always that simple. God doesn't go around putting stickers on our foreheads. I think He invites us to grow in Him, and with each other, not so that He can use us, but so that we can use the gifts He has given us. 

Laughter

"Hilly village lanes,
Whitewashed sunlit walls.
Cerulean sea.
The laughter of children."

How I long to greet each day with the above. How I fail miserably each day to trust Him to care for me as one of His children. I keep telling myself that must be why He hasn't yet entrusted me with children of my own, but I wonder if that's really the truth.  And so I wait in joyful hope, daring myself each moment to rejoice in Him. 

Renewal

"City on a hill,
Untouched land beyond.
A fallow field is
The secret of fertility."

In the frenetic flow of everyday life, it's a challenge to find sufficient rest. What can I do to allow myself the stillness and focus to keep the light of my life aflame? It can feel so fragile and ephemeral, that it's altogether too easy to run everywhere looking for any way to keep it burning at both ends. If that all sounds obvious, then it might be because of the necessity of showing that light fully in order for others to understand what keeps it bright. What is the best way to share without becoming drained or depleted? How can the light continue to shine forth without going out? 

Communication

"Movement, objects, speech, words:
We communicate through gross symbols.
We call them 'objective,'
But we cannot escape our point of view."

The main Bible verse I chose for today, I feel, reflects this "grossness"; not everybody has the same idea of what constitutes a word fitly spoken, in due time. Words spoken in true righteousness can still be twisted in order to condemn the speaker. What I struggle to remember is that all human points of view are limited; as such, the words spoken to express them must be chosen carefully. Perhaps such care must be learned separately; it reminds me of the plaque on the wall of my grandparents' home: "If you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words." May God come to me in my silence, that He may guide me in my words, forever. 

Skills

"Zither, chess, book, painting, sword.
These symbolize classical skill."

Being disabled has taught me not to take for granted those skills many people hardly recognize as such: Walking. Feeding, dressing, and bathing oneself. While I was growing up, because I could master easily those activities of daily living, the focus became my fitting in: "Just focus on what you can do," I was told, when I might have liked to try tennis or dance class or karate. Sit down, stick to what you know, and if you're talented enough, maybe eventually no one will notice that you walk funny, fall a lot, and sometimes even drool. In the '80's, pre-ADA, nobody imagined that people who weren't "confined to a wheelchair," might conceivably use one, anyway, for some things, some of the time: Like tennis, or dance class. Wheelchair karate? I don't know, but if you ever find any, let me know so I can:

But never mind. My point is, I wish I'd had more tools at the time to creatively confront those skills society said people like me could never attain. My internalized ableism even eventually persuaded me to give up my first love, theatre, and while what I understand as "a retreat into writing" seems to have led me to this match made in Heaven with my actor-turned-writer husband, what I hope to give our children in the challenges they face is the insight to discover that skill is as much about how you approach a task as what you attain in the doing of it. 

Happiness

"Let us not follow vulgar leaders
Who exploit the fear of death,
And promise the bliss of salvation.
If we are truly happy,
They will have nothing to offer."

For this, I have only the words of faith. May I strive to live in them, move in them, and be them, all the days of my life. 

Initiative

"Let us not be confused
With kaleidoscopic reality.
Using wisdom and courage to act,
Let us not add to the confusion."

These days I try so hard to respond rather than react. If this is attained, thinking and feeling do not have to be so far apart. If God has endowed us both with reason, and with emotion, does He not intend for them to go together? With His guidance, we can use both to discern His will.