17. No Need for Threats

"You can control your children
through threats and punishments
and they will learn to fear.
You can control their behavior
by praise and reward
and they will learn to look outside themselves
for approval and for worth.
You can watch over their every movement,
every action, every decision,
making sure they do it 'right,'
and they will learn to always
doubt themselves.
Or you can love and guide
without controlling or interfering
and they will learn to trust themselves.

If your child fails at something
merely express your confidence
in their ability to handle the consequences.
If they behave irresponsibly,
merely point out the consequences to themselves
and others,
and again express your trust that they will learn.
As soon as possible give them another opportunity
to be appropriately responsible.
Do not slip into the downward spiral
of blame,
shame,
and control.
It doesn't work."

I was raised to seek approval and to be "convenient" for the adults around me. This led me to become someone who is always happy to oblige and ready to take a servile role. While I have learned to delight in service and understand the measure of freedom therein, I sometimes wonder how much more resilient I would have been, and how much sooner, if I had sooner gained the insight to see service as a choice, rather than an obligation.

I find this increasingly informing how I interact with my daughter. Tonight, she helped me unload the dishwasher. She has discovered how to take the silverware out of the basket and pass it to me so I can put it away. The dishes are something she sees me do often, and as she has become more mobile and active (and ever more fascinated with the dishwasher) I have tried to include her in my experience. This makes it more joyful for me and, so, not a chore, but a game to play together. I hope to show her how even the smallest, most menial of tasks are necessary to the meaningful enjoyment of life.