"If you want your children to be generous,
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
you must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.
A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite.
All your friends,
(especially the grandparents)
will tell you this is nonsense.
But look carefully inside of yourself.
Only the child with a strong sense of self
can be truly generous.
Only the child who discovers his or her bliss
will truly work hard.
Most of what passes as discipline and hard work
is an overlay of coerced behavior.
It has no authentic power or joy.
Only the lazy, undisciplined dreamer
can discover within the source of true discipline
that will bring great success."
I was raised with--and had reinforced in school and all manner of other activities--the idea that I had to "pay my dues" in order to, eventually, accomplish my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of time for daydreaming as a kid, and I took more than full advantage of it. But along with that I was always expected to be working toward some grander goal, and only with the approval and encouragement of the adults in my life. What was framed for me as a "sacrifice for the greater good" actually became a sacrifice of myself to please others. I see it now as the biggest waste of my time and potential, because more than anything I lost at least my sense of self-direction, if not my sense of self entirely. I learned to seek approval rather than fulfillment, and it would be years before I ever learned that it was even remotely okay to seek a fulfilling life. I think I'm finally on my way to doing that rightly, and I'm so grateful I now have a family of my own to bring along (and up) on my journey.
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
you must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.
A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite.
All your friends,
(especially the grandparents)
will tell you this is nonsense.
But look carefully inside of yourself.
Only the child with a strong sense of self
can be truly generous.
Only the child who discovers his or her bliss
will truly work hard.
Most of what passes as discipline and hard work
is an overlay of coerced behavior.
It has no authentic power or joy.
Only the lazy, undisciplined dreamer
can discover within the source of true discipline
that will bring great success."
I was raised with--and had reinforced in school and all manner of other activities--the idea that I had to "pay my dues" in order to, eventually, accomplish my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of time for daydreaming as a kid, and I took more than full advantage of it. But along with that I was always expected to be working toward some grander goal, and only with the approval and encouragement of the adults in my life. What was framed for me as a "sacrifice for the greater good" actually became a sacrifice of myself to please others. I see it now as the biggest waste of my time and potential, because more than anything I lost at least my sense of self-direction, if not my sense of self entirely. I learned to seek approval rather than fulfillment, and it would be years before I ever learned that it was even remotely okay to seek a fulfilling life. I think I'm finally on my way to doing that rightly, and I'm so grateful I now have a family of my own to bring along (and up) on my journey.
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