Invocation

"Invocation becomes declaration;
Worship becomes recognition.
When blessings mature,
One glimpses the source."

I have learned that to rely solely on outward signs can be dangerous. One of the most valuable things I took away from the counseling I endured is that something outwardly suggested must sit well with me before I can rightly take it in and act upon it. It's taken me years to learn that just as important as the call from God is the response with which He endows me. Discovering and offering that dialog has been the greatest challenge of my life, but recognizing both sides has helped me grow in confidence.  I know now that in every situation, there must be an answer and an affirmation within me about how or if to respond. Not every response is necessary, or ordained by God, and so I listen. 

Fundamentals

"After completion
Come new beginnings.
To gain strength,
Renew the root."

I'm trying to learn to seek what is essential. Whether that's an approach to work or relationships or material things, I continually pare down, then--thoughtfully--build back up. I'm learning to move at an appropriate pace in doing so, and in a direction I trust is right. As a thinking, creative being, I also reserve the right to change direction when I discover something new and indispensable. 

Numbers

"One gives birth to two, two gives birth to three,
Three gives birth to the ten thousand.
One hundred and eight counts make one cycle,
Constant turning creates all things."

I have not learned enough yet to know exactly why there is a whole book of the Bible titled after these, and my relationship with the world of numbers has always been tenuous; numerical and spatial relationships seem lost somewhere in the damaged recesses of my brain. But as signifiers, as signs, they help me: To remember things, to pace myself. As I expand my life to include a book idea of my own and another potential new venture, or two, I'm learning to trust them more freely, to understand them more clearly, to work with them more confidently.  They, too, are part of creation and creativity.

Withdrawal

"Activity is essential, but exhausting,
And its importance is only on the surface.
Withdraw into Tao at the end of the day.
Returning is renewal."

I read an article recently about how productivity as the world defines it is hardly all. And yet, as I prepare myself to begin another week, I find myself ready to succumb to the pressures of doing everything. I do my best to invite His protection and care for me in every situation, and ask His help in making that available for others as He calls. I grow so easily overwhelmed and discouraged. I ask Him to lift me and keep me by His side. 

Carefree

"Two ducks nestled in lake-side grass.
Both marked by the same brilliant purple at the wing.
Water provides food, bath, and play,
What need do they have for scholarship?"

I've never been much good at "let go and let God." I try harder as I go along, accepting each new moment as a step toward Him. I want to learn, yet still keep my life simple and humble. I still so often have to fight my way out of my own thoughts in order to find the right action. Maybe fighting through is the same as letting go, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm not sure there is a way it "should" feel. If I allow things to unfold, moment by moment, and make thoughtful choices, I will get to where I'm supposed to be, and stay present where I am. 

Compassion

"Once you've seen the face of god,
You see that same face on everyone you meet."

I always feel like I'm looking for the face of God. Wanting to see it in others, and when I can't find it, I feel devastated. I look within; it's not there, either. I have such a long way to go. 

Readiness

"A knife keeps its edge
Only with honing and proper cutting.
A warrior's virtue is readiness.
A sage's virtue is awareness."

Is there ever such a thing as being ready? As much as life and love tell us to be "ready for anything," it's really the willingness that sees us through. With that, perhaps, comes a choice about how to prepare: balancing the physical and the spiritual into the exhilarating momentum of living. 

Reciprocity

"Hands grasp, but also give.
Mouth tastes, but also speaks.
Nose breathes, but also smells.
Eyes see, but also show.
Ears hear, but also balance."

With guidance by the spirit I can weather any loss. Granted, I am not always as open to that as I should be. I have learned that the best way to cultivate this openness is in the willingness to give. If I choose to be in a giving mindset, nothing is truly lost; I can choose to respond to the loss with greater giving. At those times when I feel I have nothing, I only open myself further, and discover something new. 

Awareness

"Outer eyes
Cannot see themselves.
The inner eye
Is its own reflection."

Without a judgmental eye to external things, one wouldn't need to live in shame. When talking about these matters of inner awareness, how short our language falls; how ableist it is to talk of seeing, looking. How different would a perception be if it were just that, freed from the senses? Some might question the value of it, but I make it a practice I call beholding--trying to peer with understanding, finding all of the elements that make each unique person who they are. To bring such inner peace to the outer world should be my quest every day; instead, I let the world intrude. Some say humanity is condemned to such behavior; I say awareness is the first crucial step toward change. Turning awareness into action is the challenge. As mistakes challenge me to grow, I challenge myself to compassion rather than condemnation. That which I bring to the outside world I must also show myself. Such is the biggest challenge of all. 

Concentration

"Imagination, song, the soaring spirit.
Separate them to know them as aspects of the whole,
Join them to know the mystery of totality."

It has long been a goal of mine to integrate myself, to integrate everything I learn into my daily life and a practice of spiritual well-being. I strive to be receptive and focused, open to new experiences, and to those experiences which affirm me in my integration. I am wary of distractions, but, as when a butterfly crosses my path, I understand that that which may seem distracting is truly and wholesomely inviting. I strive to seek such invitations daily, and to be a bearer of them. 

Imagination

"Imagination is pale and fragile,
Dreams grip with a false reality.
Imagination can build bridges,
Dreams can deceive."

The song says we walk by faith and not by sight, and Shakespeare says the same about love. Even Einstein supposedly said imagination is more important than knowledge. I try to listen for what God invites me to imagine, and I have learned to do this because many dreams I had for my future certainly didn't come to pass. I know that in many ways what I have now is better than anything I could have dreamed of, but still other things are what I wait in joyful hope for. May I neither be deceived, nor deceive myself.  

Homecoming

"Where was Tao while I was gone?
Wasn't I following it where I went?
Do you think that there are two?"

This year I have tried to focus on the things of home, making a beautiful and restful place for my marriage and my family. When I got pregnant, I felt right on track with this mindset. When the baby left me (and as I figured out that I was miscarrying, I commended its soul to to Jesus, so I hope they are watching over us now) I began to feel restless again, as I had so often before. How to be at home with such terrible pain? How to be at home while the family remains incomplete? I remind myself that what I perceive and experience now is but one part of a much greater and more purposeful whole. I continue my work and my walk toward Him. 

Farewell

"We part at the crossroads,
You leave with your joys and problems,
I with mine. Alone, I look down the road.
Each one must walk one's own path."

I have walked too much of my life's path alone. There is a big difference between this and doing so with independence. I once talked with a friend at length about the difference between owning one's life happenings and choosing them. At the time I was perhaps too jaded to understand the value of always operating from a place of choice, but it's true that whether or not I choose a particular life circumstance, I can still choose to embrace it because of what is. I still cringe at this idea, and I still also grapple with the idea that my circumstances will force me to choose something at least some of the time. Perhaps the key is to stop resisting. With true humility I will never know defeat. 

Encouragement

"One thousand miles from home, I open the same prayer book.
Some nights it was only obligation; tonight, it is comfort."

As a teacher, the most valuable thing I can do for my students is to encourage them. At the same time, I also need encouragement. What can I do when a student is not receptive? Where do I find strength when the methods I know fail? It's difficult for me to be as patient with myself as I am with the people I see every day. When I lose myself in their troubles, I forget to be patient with myself. That makes things hard for them, too. Encouragement all around restores the balance and helps us do our work together peacefully. I pray for this daily.

Constancy

"Clear sunlight on falling snow: fire and ice.
Bare-boned trees stark to the horizon,
Cold marshes, havens to ducks and geese.
A groundhog sits motionless on a post."

There is a Catholic motto I like: "Always go forward, never go back." It reminds me that God has a purpose for me even in my mistakes. And not only chastisement, either: Perhaps laying a new foundation, or making a discovery. With the grace to discern these things, I find the strength to continue. For with Him, nothing is impossible. 

Travel

"Body is the tabernacle.
Traveling one thousand miles,
The gods are still in place."

Had it not been for traveling mercies, I doubt very much whether I should be alive today. Indeed, I experienced the start of my world travels as a sort of death of my old life, commending my spirit to God and to the new. I did this in the midst of fear and pain, not knowing and at times not much caring where I would end up, or for how long. Even now some mornings when I board the bus, I wonder, as I often used to at the start of any journey: "What would happen if I just kept going?" These days, with a safe and happy home life and a marriage ripe with possibilities, I experience that passing thought like those I've sometimes had of suicide or self-harm; what was once a clear and present danger is now just a shadow of terror. I no longer have the urge to run or kill my pain; instead I have the strength to face it, and take prayerful action. 

Practice

"Spiritual success is gained by daily cultivation.
If you practiced for the day, then you have won.
If you were lazy for the day, then you have lost."

I have never been what anybody (except possibly my husband) would call a good Catholic. Yes, I never miss a Sunday; yes, I take my prayer book with me everywhere I go. I pray the rosary sometimes; I attend adoration sometimes. I explore devotions I am drawn to, but I am not strict in my practice. Perhaps this is the source of every failure in my life, and yet, perhaps it is important to be flexible with one's practice. To everything there is a season, and there is always a chance to practice again, every moment. 

Confidence

"Truth perceived gives assurance.
Skill yields self-reliance.
With courage, we can defy danger.
To increase power, increase humility."

Being disabled has taught me to fear everything. It has also forced me into a humility I don't always feel. Rather, I experience it as humiliation. Amidst the travails of my day-to-day, I must believe God is preserving me for His purpose. Otherwise I would have perished long ago from the false belief that, with my limitations, it is better for me not to try. Where that came from is too painful for me to think about. At this moment when I feel backed into a corner career-wise, beaten down by that most taboo of personal losses, and unsure of what to do next, I feel a willingness to try like never before. That scares me, too. But I go forward.

Accuracy

"Make every move count.
Pick your target and hit it.
Perfect concentration means
Effortless flowing."

Lately I've been reflecting on the opportunities I may have missed. In my quest to fulfill others' expectations, I was not always so practical. I've never worked retail or food service or any of those other jobs that have helped people either pinch hit or discover unexpected career paths. I understand that I have talents, but I find myself lacking in skills. Those I am aware of, both talent and skill, I try to activate consciously day to day. I find myself gathering courage to learn new ones, in hopes that nothing further will be wasted. I believe I am where--and who--I am meant to be; I just know I haven't always had an accurate perception of either. It's a struggle to maintain both even now. 

Funeral

"Hearse of weathered black enamel,
Undertakers fingering cigarettes.
Family, some crying, some bored,
Some only thinking of themselves.
Hired marching band out of tune.
Even in death we find no accord."

Sometimes my life is sad to me: 12-hour workdays, tiny living quarters, no children. I do my best to understand and believe that these things are temporary, paving the way to a future I long for. I fill those twelve hours with service; I fill those living quarters with love. I know, even when it all seems so far away, that the children I bring into the world will feel and do both. What greater legacy could there be? 

Longevity

"Contemplate in the morning.
Pull weeds in the afternoon.
The joys and labor of a single day
Are part of a whole journey."

I often marvel at how much life can change in a moment. The weight of hours of toil can fall away with the embrace of a loved one. Hope and joy for the future can be restored with a single kind word. Once I understood the power of a moment, adding more to their number in my life seemed the greatest gift and honor. When a day seems mired in drudgery, I grow patient and give thanks for the strength to face it. When a task seems interminable, I wait, quiet myself, and focus. Though I know not when my life will end, I try to approach each moment as an end in itself: This is what I live for, outside of time. 

Disengagement

"Wearily I open my prayer book,
Sepia photograph of sage on amber page,
Flaming raven Sanskrit, strange syllables,
Intone, chant, repeat.
Number vows with beads:
Every resolution is inspiration petrified."

I"m actually emerging from a period of disengagement just now. Sometimes I don't pray actively; I just ask God to hold me in His presence, to open me to Him. A friend has written a book that seems useful in this practice. I try to think of it as making myself available to God, just as I am. I remind myself: I don't always have to be doing something, I don't always have to be saying something. Sometimes, I just have to be. 

Interpretation

"The sage whose words are ambiguous you call great.
Those who advocate discipline you shun.
With one, you treat words the way you want.
With the other, you resent having no quarter."

A friend sent this to me today:

Truly I find nothing more fitting than a reminder that our Creator was here before it all. He will be here long after, and He will always remember His beloved. As I strive to praise and glorify Him, may I remember likewise that in Him, I am a new creation. In Him, I live and move and have my being. In Him, I am free.

Integration

"Be still to know the absolute.
Be active to know the outer.
The two spring from the same source,
All of life is one whole."

How profound it is that God does not give up on us. Every day is a new chance to do something with, in, and for Him. I struggle to stay focused and daring enough to keep myself in His presence, but at this time of seeking new opportunities, I remind myself it's more important than ever. I am so blessed to be this aware and willing to act on it. 

Images

"Sound, smell, taste, image, touch, sleep.
Can you think without clinging to these forms?
A thought without shape is rare,
Knowledge of Tao rarer still."

To me this is the ultimate challenge: Being in the world but not of it, concerned with things of the spirit rather than things of the flesh. God calls each of us to a deeper and fuller reality than any of our senses can perceive, beyond anything our minds can conceive of. What else could He do but wish us peace as we strive, and grant us small joys in the midst of daily struggle? It's a grace to feel His love for me; it's a gift in itself to ask for something and await it with confidence. I am growing in my willingness and tenacity to do it all. 

Retrospective

"You could labor ten years under a master
Trying to discern if the teachings are true.
But all you might learn is this:
One must live one's own life."

I love what's radical about Jesus. The traditional wisdom I know says that the Jews at that time were expecting a powerful political leader to rise up as their messiah. Instead, they got the Prince of Peace, who invites us to love Him and each other, every day more and more deeply, through gentle guidance. 

Education

"Scholars, drunk on words and obscure meanings,
Weave a tangled web of concordances.
Simple practice never occurs to them.
Give up education, and the world will be better."

I much prefer to think of myself as a facilitator, rather than an educator. In language learning and communication, 'simple practice' must rule the day. In working with my students I strive to give them a window into my language the way I learned it: with intuition, and with enjoyment. If I can share with them my own delight in learning, we all will win. 

Parting

"You and I assumed forever
When we became companions.
But now, unhappy, you are leaving.
The sky turns to bitter candescence,
Unslaked by resignation."

Having been blessed now with a life companion, I am learning better and better how to let go of relationships when needed. It's sad to me how easily that can be done these days, with the touch of "Delete" on a social media account. Having been, apparently, "unfriended" by two people in as many days, plus many more during my years of Facebook use, I seek to reinforce a lesson in non-attachment:  Wish people the best and send them on their way. Be grateful for blessings received and lessons learned. Best of all...

Attunement

"Traversing sun leads to a new season,
Vernal breath attunes the leaves."

In 2007, while I was receiving spiritual direction, my spiritual director told me, "I can tell that you are really listening for God in your life." For most of my faith life, I've longed for Him to speak to me, and I've tried not to place limits on my interpretation of His doing so. It's important that my own ideas do not interfere with His spirit. I listen, I wait. I think I hear; and if I haven't yet, I know I will, when the time is right. 

Sailing

"Infinite expanse, sleek ocean teeming with life,
Turbulent, virile, ever-moving spread,
Seamlessly laid to the brilliant sky,
I float on you in my fashioned womb,
Sustained against your green-black depths.

Those on land never understand maritime life.
Those of the sea are intimate with your moods;
They navigate but are ultimately helpless.
Destinations become useless, drifting the sole reality:
A sailor's fears dissolve into acceptance."

I was reflecting yesterday on the fact that in my life I've learned to sit in a room filled with pain, and be comfortable with it. With that has come a willingness to entertain almost any pain, and to accept it as an expected if not entirely welcome guest. I've learned to ask for the lesson from the pain, in order to deepen my perspective. Thence comes the strength I need to lean into the wind on my journey forward. 

Opposites

"Before emptying, there must be fullness.
Before shrinking, there must be expanding.
Before falling, there must be ascent.
To destroy something, lead it to its extreme.
To preserve something, keep to the middle."

There is a lot in the Tao's verse for today that seems relevant to this election season, but I won't go there this time; I will let my readers draw their own parallels. I'd like to take a more personal view, remembering a phrase I saw on a tee-shirt one day in Istanbul: "I'm not antisocial; society is anti-me." I felt this then as keenly as now; as a woman with a disability not easily observed or categorized by its manifestations, I often find myself either ignored by or in opposition to the people and communities around me. I have learned to use this to my advantage, trying to develop the discretion and sensitivity required to approach those who also find themselves on the fringes. I make mistakes, and big ones, but always I am guided back to a middle way.