Tuesday, June 30, 2020

38. No Need for Force

"Strong parents have no need
to bully and coerce their children.
Weak parents push and shove,
yell and hit,
and still have no power at all.

If good behavior is demanded of children,
without a reservoir of goodness for supply,
nothing is gained.
If religion is preached to children
as external forms
and dogmatic beliefs,
emptiness results.

Wise parents know
that deep within their children
is a free spirit and a goodness
that need not be forced,
only watered
and encouraged.

Don't be deceived
when your children's behavior
seems bad or immoral.
This is not their true nature.
You will not change them
by the force of your will.
Force on your part
will only cloud the issue.
If you were to let go of expectations,
and let yourself be at peace,
what would your children see?"

In my life I have had to let go of a lot. Except in the most essential ways my life has turned out nothing like I thought it would. I'm grateful that I took the liberty of imagining it so many different ways, so that eventually I would be able to leave my disappointment for curiosity. Perhaps this is why I've managed to approach parenting with a fairly open heart. I'm grateful for rather than skeptical about articles I see on the Internet with titles like, "10 Ways Your Toddler Seems to Be Acting Out, But Isn't." I feel hopeful rather than afraid when  I try an activity, communication, or concept with my daughter that doesn't seem to work. If I can show her how I'm gentle with myself, maybe she will learn to be gentle with herself, too. If I can teach her how to be resourceful, neither of us will need to fear whatever may befall her. Just now I believe that "reservoir of goodness for supply," is resilience not only built, but also practiced.


Monday, June 29, 2020

37. Encourage Natural Desires

"Don't be misled.
God has no desires.
How could that which contains All,
want for anything else?
Yet all true desires
have their fulfillment in God.

Your children will face natural,
and unnatural
desires.
All natural desires
are naturally fulfilled.
Those who chase unnatural desires
will never find rest.
If you can help your children distinguish
between these two,
they will live contented, happy lives.

We all naturally desire to love and be loved,
to belong, to dance and sing,
to find and to live our bliss.
Show your children that these desires
will find their satisfaction
in the natural unfolding of things.

This is a difficult task
for those of us who have been trained
to support the economy
by remaining continuously unsatisfied.
Our children hear far more advertising hours
each and every week,
than they hear our own voice in a month.
Can you show them by their own actions
how true happiness can be found
in loving, living, and dancing?"

I grew up yearning for the great depth and breadth of life, so that into adulthood I reached far and sought bravely that which I thought I was supposed to want. As I learned to let all of that go, I learned also to simplify, looking more deeply into myself and my immediate surroundings so that I would know true satisfaction. I'm still not quite there yet, but I'm discovering the real value of my life's struggle and striving, which begets a natural desire all its own.

36. Opposites Are Necessary

"If you want your children to be generous,
you must first allow them to be selfish.
If you want them to be disciplined,
you must first allow them to be spontaneous.
If you want them to be hard-working,
you must first allow them to be lazy.
This is a subtle distinction,
and hard to explain to those who criticize you.

A quality cannot be fully learned
without understanding its opposite.

All your friends,
(especially the grandparents)
will tell you this is nonsense.
But look carefully inside of yourself.
Only the child with a strong sense of self
can be truly generous.
Only the child who discovers his or her bliss
will truly work hard.
Most of what passes as discipline and hard work
is an overlay of coerced behavior.
It has no authentic power or joy.
Only the lazy, undisciplined dreamer
can discover within the source of true discipline
that will bring great success."

I was raised with--and had reinforced in school and all manner of other activities--the idea that I had to "pay my dues" in order to, eventually, accomplish my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of time for daydreaming as a kid, and I took more than full advantage of it. But along with that I was always expected to be working toward some grander goal, and only with the approval and encouragement of the adults in my life. What was framed for me as a "sacrifice for the greater good" actually became a sacrifice of myself to please others. I see it now as the biggest waste of my time and potential, because more than anything I lost at least my sense of self-direction, if not my sense of self entirely. I learned to seek approval rather than fulfillment, and it would be years before I ever learned that it was even remotely okay to seek a fulfilling life. I think I'm finally on my way to doing that rightly, and I'm so grateful I now have a family of my own to bring along (and up) on my journey.

Saturday, June 27, 2020

35. Make the Ordinary Come Alive

"Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is a way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

You will have to constantly contend
with the pressure for ever more,
and ever bigger,
the culture seeks to impose
on your children
and you.
It takes courage and discipline
to go slow,
live simply,
and see clearly.
But the rewards are great.
What ordinary thing can you do together today?"

As a kid, I was always looking for magic. I believed in everything, and longed for all of the fairy tales and other fiction stories I read to be real. As I grew up I felt this must be a sign of my discontent, and proof of the "fact" that I did not, in fact, belong anywhere. As I have actually matured I see now that this longing, this imagination, on my part has given me the insight to look on the events and trappings of everyday life as anything but ordinary. This has emboldened me to pursue the path I always wanted, that my elders often scoffed at in the pressure they placed on me to achieve. I have a family, and simple work to do. It may not be glamorous, but it is enough. And in this world, so deprived of justice and filled with pain, it is indeed extraordinary to have--or better yet, to be--enough.  


Friday, June 26, 2020

34. Be As the Tao

"In many ways the good parent
must be like the Tao.
But not in ways that you might think.
The Tao loves all of creation,
but does not seek to control.
The Tao nourishes all life everywhere,
but does not judge that life.
The Tao cherishes every person,
but does not grasp or cling.

Can you love without control?
Can you nourish without judgement?
Can you cherish without grasping?
Of course you can,
for the Tao flows through you.

Despite what you may have heard,
God does not
control,
judge,
or grasp.
All of your 'God' words
will not teach your children as much
as will your nurture,
and your love,
and your cherishing."

One thing I have heard over and over is that consistency is the key to good parenting. I have never been a slave to routine, and while I don't necessarily struggle to follow a schedule or structure, it's never been fun or particularly edifying for me to set my own. Fortunately, I've married someone who is very much the opposite, so I am hopeful that between the two of us we will be able to create a structure and set a schedule that works for our family.

Another area in which I struggle, mostly because our daughter is still so little, is with notions of discipline, or what I'm starting to think of as our own, ongoing game of Truth or Consequences. I'm learning that--at least at this stage--the main purpose of discipline is to set and enforce boundaries, so that our family can be and feel confident and secure in our interpersonal interactions with each other and the world. When following through on the enforcement results in something that makes my daughter upset or uncomfortable, it's devastating for me. But I need to control myself, so I follow through. I need to model self-control so my daughter will gain a sense of control over herself and her place in the world. 

Thursday, June 25, 2020

33. There Are Few Things You Must Know

"There are few things you must know
to become a wise parent.
You must know that you are going to die,
for then you will be able to truly live.

You must know when you have enough,
for then you will be content.
You must know how to laugh,
for then you will find healing.

There are many things you need not know.
You need not know everything your children think
or do.
You need not know your secret dreams and hopes.
You need not know how life will unfold for them,
or for yourself.

Live your own life,
with all your heart,
and all your mind,
and with all your soul.
There is no need to live theirs.
They will do that wonderfully
by themselves."

Over and over again, I get the lesson to let go. So far it has taught me always to hold things--and people--lightly, rather than tightly: To be tender and respectful and mindful of the gifts and time that life gives all of us. As I learn again this letting go, I open myself even further to the essential and basic truths of myself and my part to play in humanity. and to my hope that in letting go I will widen my embrace more and more. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

32. Rules Do Not Give Life

"Rules do not give life.
The Tao gives life.
And the Tao is seen in butterflies
and in galaxies.
If children were trusted to discover God
in the center of their own hearts
the world would be at peace.

But we have made systems of rules
and institutions of control.
Accept this as the way things are
but always recognize the limitations of rules,
and the dangers of institutions.
Rules can guide a child but cannot define that
child.
Institutions can nurture a child
but cannot bring that child to maturity.

For a short while,
when your children are young,
you may be able to coerce good behavior.
But goodness of the heart
can never be coerced.
It can only be encouraged
or discouraged.
Consider your family's rules,
spoken and unspoken.
Who made them?
Who benefits from them, and how?
Do they encourage
or discourage your children?"

As parents I hope my husband and I can make and enforce only the rules we need. By this I mean not just ones that may be "typical" of families or childhoods, but ones that will suit and guide the growth and temperaments of our children. The rules we make should support them and allow them to develop an intuitive understanding of their own safety, their autonomy, and their privacy--these fundamental entitlements every person has. May the rules we enforce reinforce the lesson that all people are entitled to these, one neither more nor less than another, anywhere. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

31. Your Children Are Not Your Enemies

"Your children are not your enemies.
You need not fear them.
Differences with them are not battles
that you must win or lose.
If you lock yourself into seeming warfare,
all perspective becomes lost.
Terrible and hurtful things are said.
The whole family suffers
and the wounds are slow to heal.
Win and lose
are words a family does not need.

You do not have to battle for your authority.
Authority is something you have within yourself.
If your children do not see it,
that is a sorrow,
but you cannot force their seeing.
If you keep this in mind,
many of your battles will disappear.
Difficult times may remain,
but weapons of mass destruction
are no longer needed."

Today was not a good day. My patience--usually the one thing I feel I can count on--was gone. I often have moments where I wonder how I make it through the day, but this is one day where I'm genuinely surprised I did. I am sure that many parents go through this, and I'm confident that I'm not alone. But it doesn't prevent me from feeling I am, no matter who else is with me or what else is going on. Having struggled with such a feeling all my life, I've learned to use it to help me bring myself back to my center, back into balance. Maybe in the morning I'll find it again. 

Monday, June 22, 2020

30. Good Behavior

"There are many ways to get children
to behave as you wish.
You can force, plead, and bribe.
You can manipulate, trick, and persuade.
You can use shame, guilt, and reason.
These will all rebound upon you.
You will be in constant conflict.

Attend instead to your own actions.
Develop contentment within yourself.
Find peace and love in all you do.
This will keep you busy enough.
There is no need to control others.

If you are able to release even some small part
of your persistent need to control,
you will discover an amazing paradox.
The things you attempt to force
now begin to occur naturally.
People around you begin to change.
Your children find appropriate behavior
emerging from within themselves
and are delighted.
Laughter returns to all."

I often felt while I was growing up like the adults around me held me to a higher standard than they held themselves. While I think it's normal and natural for parents to expect or want more for and from their children, to require much without giving a faithful example of how to attain it is unjust as well as cruel.

I remember one Easter dinner when this hit home for me. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was humiliated. I'd been seated beside my mom, who noticed at one point in the meal that I had dribbled a drop of milk from my glass onto my grandma's tablecloth. Instead of gently pointing it out to me and asking me to clean up after myself, Mom commented loudly and rushed to wipe it up herself.  In the process she knocked over her glass of white wine, which spilled in its entirety onto my lap. Already embarrassed about the milk, I was now also cold, stinky, and soaking wet. My dress was ruined.

I may have mustered the courage to speak up for myself, because while I don't now recall the particular fate of my dress, I do seem to remember my mother issuing a rare--for that time--apology and kindly helping me clean myself up somehow. I'm glad I learned then that adults are not perfect, that everyone makes mistakes, and that most mistakes can be fixed. However, it took me a much longer time to learn that I am not just a mess waiting to be made or an inconvenience to everyone around me. I still live with the echoes of these lies in my heart. Good behavior can quiet them, remembering acts of physical repair puts them in perspective, but the emotional impact remains. What I hope to do with my daughter is empower her to act graciously on her own behalf, always. This means not only cleaning up her own messes or fixing her own mistakes, but also recognizing when she is missing an opportunity to do so, and demanding to do justice to the world and her place in it.

29. The Very Energy of the Universe

"Your children are not mere lumps of clay
waiting for your expert hands.
They are the very energy of the universe
and will become what they will become.
They are sacred beings.
If you tamper with them
you will make everyone miserable.

They will find success,
and failure.
They will be happy,
and sad.
They will delight you,
and disappoint you.
They will be safe,
and at great risk.
They will live,
and they will die.

Stay at the center of your own soul.
There is nothing else you can do.

My son almost lost his life as a teenager.
There was nothing I could do.
I remember accepting that he might die.
I cried for hours.
I got up and returned to my life and to my loves.
Years later, he is a happy, strong, wonderful young
man--
all because of his choices,
not mine."

All my daughter's experiences will be her own. Even the ones we share together will have different layers, takes, narratives, and perspectives. Our memories, impressions, and feelings will differ. As I accept my daughter, I also accept her life--as it is and will be, not as I wish it. 

Saturday, June 20, 2020

28. Transforming the World

"The world insists on achievement and progress
and it is full of enmity and strife.
Can you see all this and still help your children
maintain their trust and hope and peace?

Can you accept the world as it is,
yet live according to a different standard?
Can you let your children see
a way of living
that transforms,
heals,
nurtures,
and loves?

If you complain about politics,
and gripe about taxes,
and stew about the sorry state of things
your children will learn to whine instead of laugh.
If you can see in every moment
a chance to live,
and to accept,
and to appreciate,
your children will transform the world."

Along with my gradual self-acceptance has come an understanding that to accept the way things are in life and in the world is not necessarily to condone them. Working toward change is a process during which I become equipped to deal with things as they are so that I can have deeper insight into how to change them as needed. In my experience this happens only when I am willing to deal with forces beyond my control, as well as truly recognize what I have (or should have) control over and how to take that control gracefully. In parenting, as my responsibilities increase along with my need for self-control, my desire to control anything outside myself lessens.  When something happens that provokes, shames, or hurts me, bringing me back to a less empowered state or time in my life, I can remember how far I've come and how deeply I've transformed myself, so I  can continue to help repair the world around me. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

27. Fan the Spark

"Your children plan their own education,
like it or not.
You must learn to cooperate with that plan.
If they are drawing,
they become artists.
If they are reading,
they become students.
If they are investigating something.
they become scientists.
If they are helping prepare a meal,
they become chefs.
Whatever they are doing,
they are learning.
And it is, for them,
pure joy.

Can you refrain from judging their interests?
Can you give them room to explore?
Schools do not often do this.
You may be the only one
who can fan the spark of their creativity
into a flame of joy."

When I was young, I did not learn to do things for enjoyment; I learned to do them for achievement. The latter is a dangerous objective for learning. I want to spend my life as a parent unlearning this. I want to show my daughter not only how to have fun, but also how to take a genuine interest in learning something new, because the learning never stops. It's the greatest gift we all can share. 

Thursday, June 18, 2020

26. Become the Student

"Children are fascinated by the ordinary
and can spend timeless moments
watching sunlight play with dust.
Their restlessness they learn from you.
It is you who are thinking of there
when you are here.
It is you who thinks of then
instead of now.
Stop.
Let your children become the teachers,
and you become the student.

Your children may frequently change the focus
of their attention.
But this is not restlessness.
It is curiosity.
When they are doing something
they are doing only that
until they move on to the next thing.
Watch them.
Let them set the pace.
See what you can learn."

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. My sister was the opposite; she wanted to stay a kid, always. Now, we tend to be opposites again, where I've said to her before, "I hate being an adult," to which she responded, "I actually prefer it." At the point in my life of this conversation, I was very much alone, and convinced I would stay that way forever; my sister, on the other hand, had found her partner and married young, enjoying the support for her career and social circle that came with that (or so it seemed to me then.)

At this point in my life, when I, too, am happily married and my sister and I seem to have much more in common, I find it rather funny as well as a small mercy that I am the one of us who has had a child. Raising my daughter is showing me actively what I had long suspected--that "adulthood" is a myth, and growing up takes (literally) forever. Only the learning is real. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

25. Clouds of Light

"They look so small and frail
but they are so great and magnificent.
They are born of the same womb
that birthed the cosmos
and knitted together the galaxies.

If you could see them as they truly are
you would be astounded.
You would not see little children,
but dancing clouds of light,
energy in motion,
swimming in an ocean of love.

They are so much more
than what you see.
As are you.

Life can seem mundane.
But it is not.
Children can seem ordinary,
and troublesome,
and fragile.
But they are not.
You may feel alone,
and separated,
and powerless.
But you are not."

It takes so much for people to stop believing lies about themselves. I know, for me, that the lies still haunt and taunt, even though I know they are not true. As I watch and wait for my daughter to tell me the truth of herself, I must remember my main responsibility: To show her the true me. It all takes a certain fearlessness, and I hope that as I affirm her truth she will grow to affirm the truth of--and in--everyone. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

24. Agendas--Yours or Theirs?

"If you push your children,
they will lose their balance.
If you are always running them here and there,
they will get nowhere.
If you put them in the spotlight,
they will be unable to see their own light.
If you seek to impose upon them
your own ideas of who they should be,
they will become nothing.

If you want them to thrive,
do what you can for their safety,
then let go.

Do you have agendas for your children
that are more important than the children
themselves?
Lost in the shuffle of uniforms,
practices,
games,
recitals,
and performances
can be the creative and joyful soul of your child.
Watch and listen carefully.

Do they have time to daydream?
From their dreams will emerge
the practices and activities
that will make self-discipline
as natural as breathing.
Encourage these."

When I was in college I attended a talk by the Catholic apologist Tim Staples. His talk at Cal State Long Beach, where I was visiting, centered on romantic relationships and marriage--always a popular  topic among Catholic students! Anyway, one particular thing from that talk has always stood out to me. He spoke about the need for spouses to approach each other as they would God, recognizing God in the other person and keeping their loved one's best interest at heart, effectively telling them, "Your will be done!" To which the only appropriate response of the other spouse is, "No, honey, your will be done!" And on and on.

It was a funny illustration but also effective in showing me the extent to which it's possible to build trust--always a process--with another person, and have confidence not only in their discernment and decision-making ability but also in their love and care for me. Now that my husband and I have been charged with loving and caring for our daughter, we want to build this kind of trust with her, and instill this kind of confidence. We want to guide her so she will learn self-control and humility. 

Monday, June 15, 2020

23. No Mixed Messages

"Natural parents do not give mixed messages.
When they are angry, their children see their anger
and learn it is not to be feared.
When they are sad, their children see their sadness
and learn it can be borne.
When the difficult feelings pass there is no residue.
Their relationship with their children remains
pure and uncontaminated.

It is terribly difficult to parent naturally.
We have learned to repress,
modify, and distrust
our natural responses
until we can barely recognize them.
Of course you should not 'dump'
your repressed feelings upon your children.
But you can begin to feel them yourself
and become a friend of your own nature.

This will enable you to express yourself,
appropriately and mindfully, to your children.
There will be less and less hidden agenda
and the fresh air will cleanse everyone."

Self-acceptance has helped me understand that I can still express myself fully, even when I am not being listened to or heard. Through self-awareness in my expression, I can stay accountable to and in integrity with myself. To me this is essential to recognizing the self of my daughter, and differentiating herself from my own self. There is no "we" unless my daughter and I are both whole and in our fullness with each other. 

Sunday, June 14, 2020

22. Your Greatest Legacy

"If you want your children to succeed,
show them how to fail.
If you want them to be happy,
show them how to be sad.
If you want them to be healthy,
show them how to be sick.
If you want them to have much,
show them how to enjoy little.
Parents who hide failure, deny loss,
and berate themselves for weakness,
have nothing to teach their children.
But parents who reveal themselves,
in all their humanness,
become heroes.
For children look to these parents
and learn to love themselves.

Parenting need not be a burden,
one more thing you have to do
and don't do well enough.
Instead consider your failures,
your sorrows,
your illnesses,
and your difficulties
as your primary teaching opportunities."

I have a favorite prayer that goes, "...grant us patience with all the trials of this life..." and have learned that indeed, this life is nothing more than a series of opportunities to rise to the occasion. Often the occasion doesn't look how I think it will, and the rising is more of an ascent--rising to the occasion takes learning and effort. Many occasions are created by mistakes, which themselves are occasions for learning. I have learned not to fear these, but rather to hone my skills to deal with them. I worry often that I have nothing to teach my daughter, but I realize now, instead, that I can give her a powerful example to follow if I remain committed to a path of integrity. 

21. The Hidden Mystery of Their Being

"Although you give your children names,
their reality is nameless and mysterious.
Their mystery is hidden,
yet plain to see.
It disappears when you stare at it.
It hides when you seek it.
To find it you must look into yourself.
If you can discover the secret of your own life,
you will glimpse the mystery of your children.

Though this mystery cannot be described,
it can be trusted.
You can trust it in yourself.
You can trust it in your children.
How do I know this?
I see it everywhere.

Imagine yourself as a child.
There was someone present there
your parents never knew,
a mystery they could not fathom.
Look at your children closely.
You will never know the mystery of their being.
Can you love them still?"

At this point I think I love my daughter for her mystery: How much she says, how little I yet comprehend; all the steps of her life's path yet to be laid out or taken. As I watch her discover everything, I reflect on the growth I have experienced in embracing my own mystery, and I am grateful. 

Friday, June 12, 2020

20. Be a Model of Honesty

"If you want to become a wise parent
you must be prepared to appear foolish.
You must be willing to say,
'Why should I chase this way and that,
always grasping,
always running?
Nuts!'
Unless you stop following the crowd,
how can your children be free?

To teach your children strength
you must be willing to appear weak.
You must renounce ambition and struggle
and embrace serenity and peace.
You must confess your faults
and embrace your failures.
You must face yourself with honesty
and find the truth of your nature.

Your children need a model of honesty.
If you pretend you have no weaknesses,
and cover them under masks and facades,
your children will learn to do the same,
and the game will be on.
Begin today to see,
and accept,
the real you beneath the role."

I can never do anything less than what I think is right. I realize that I may not always know in any given moment what that is, but if I'm transparent about my process then my daughter will learn how to arrive at her own convictions. In the moments when I falter, may I forgive myself, and teach her how to forgive. In the moments when I doubt, may I open myself to deeper certainty. I am willing always to do and say everything for the deepest, truest purpose I know. 

Thursday, June 11, 2020

19. Recognize the Inner Realities

"If you try to make your children good,
you will make them,
and yourself,
miserable.
Instead show them you believe in
their natural goodness
and all will be blessed.

If you try to make them honor you
you will create instead
resentment and dishonesty.
Instead honor yourself and them
and all will be happy.

If you try to make them successful
you will perpetuate their misery
of endless desires.
Instead enjoy the simple life
and all will find contentment.

You do not have to teach the outward niceties.
You have to recognize the inward realities.
You do not have to make things turn out well.
You have to recognize that all is well."

I'm grateful to have had an opportunity to reflect on theory of mind before my daughter was born. I am determined to honor the complexity of her inner life no matter how much or little of that she ever chooses to share with me. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

18. Natural Virtues

"All young children naturally love God.
As they grow they are trained by others
and turn instead to piety and religion.

All young children are naturally
at ease with their bodies.
As they grow, they are shamed by others
and become self-conscious and filled with tension.

All young children naturally relate
to other people well.
As they grow they see conflict
and become fearful and guarded.

All virtues arise naturally
until fear and training interfere.
Then virtues disappear
and rules take their place.

Look for the natural virtues of your children.
You may have to pay careful attention.
We are trained not to notice them,
or to distrust them.
But they are the real thing.
They don't have to be taught,
only nurtured.
What natural virtues can you notice in your child today?"

As I watch my daughter grow from day to day, I see how all of who she is is already here. I'm starting to understand that the purpose of disciplining her is to teach her how to set, and respect, boundaries, so that she can protect herself, respect herself, honor herself, and care for those around her at the same time. It's taken me all of who I am to learn how to do these things for myself and others, and of course I am still learning. I hope to show my daughter that I approve her, so she will be inspired to improve herself: Not according to what I think of her, but to what she discovers in and about herself. 

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

17. No Need for Threats

"You can control your children
through threats and punishments
and they will learn to fear.
You can control their behavior
by praise and reward
and they will learn to look outside themselves
for approval and for worth.
You can watch over their every movement,
every action, every decision,
making sure they do it 'right,'
and they will learn to always
doubt themselves.
Or you can love and guide
without controlling or interfering
and they will learn to trust themselves.

If your child fails at something
merely express your confidence
in their ability to handle the consequences.
If they behave irresponsibly,
merely point out the consequences to themselves
and others,
and again express your trust that they will learn.
As soon as possible give them another opportunity
to be appropriately responsible.
Do not slip into the downward spiral
of blame,
shame,
and control.
It doesn't work."

I was raised to seek approval and to be "convenient" for the adults around me. This led me to become someone who is always happy to oblige and ready to take a servile role. While I have learned to delight in service and understand the measure of freedom therein, I sometimes wonder how much more resilient I would have been, and how much sooner, if I had sooner gained the insight to see service as a choice, rather than an obligation.

I find this increasingly informing how I interact with my daughter. Tonight, she helped me unload the dishwasher. She has discovered how to take the silverware out of the basket and pass it to me so I can put it away. The dishes are something she sees me do often, and as she has become more mobile and active (and ever more fascinated with the dishwasher) I have tried to include her in my experience. This makes it more joyful for me and, so, not a chore, but a game to play together. I hope to show her how even the smallest, most menial of tasks are necessary to the meaningful enjoyment of life. 

Monday, June 8, 2020

16. Empty Yourself of Worries

"To survive as a parent
you must empty yourself
of your constant thinking,
planning, and worrying.

You and your children
were born in the Tao,
live in the Tao,
and will return to that same Tao.
If you don't realize this,
you will mistake the sorrow you see in life
for the final word,
and you will become hardened with fear.

But, knowing how things really are,
you gain true confidence.
Being confident,
your mind opens to see your children
as they really are.
Seeing them as they really are,
your heart fills with genuine love for them.
Truly loving them,
you realize your own divine nature.
Realizing your true nature,
you enter eternal life.

These truths lie behind all religious traditions.
Believe them."

Becoming a mother has put me in touch with the most essential truth of myself, has helped me see that what I had always longed for, hoped for, and looked forward to was always true. What the world always tried to deny, I held to. But once my daughter had been born, I didn't experience the sort of "life defining moment" I had expected, as when I graduated from college or got married, for example. I have learned that motherhood is not a milestone. Instead, for me, it is an invitation to engage fully with myself in order to be fully present for my family and other loved ones. It's a process. I don't always get it right. But worrying about doing so is fruitless. I just have to keep going, now that I'm here. 

Sunday, June 7, 2020

15. Be Alert and Mindful

"If you would be a wise parent
be careful of all you do and say.
Know that each action,
each word
has its effect.
Be alert and mindful,
living fully in each present moment.
Treat your children with courtesy
as you would treat a guest.
Be ready in a moment
to let go of one plan
and embark on another
if your inner voice so urges.
Have room within your heart
to hear the voice of both
your children
and your own spirit.
Do not expect fulfillment
from events or people
outside yourself.
Welcome and accept
things as they are.
Welcome and accept
children as they are.

Treat yourself with gentle care.
These qualities emerge naturally,
not by force of will."

I've realized even in these early days that parenting is good practice not giving a fuck: What people think, what they do in response to the best parenting I can give/do in a particular moment, what happens to any material object or space as long as my daughter is safe at any given time. This is not to say I'm not teaching her to respect her home or things; quite the contrary, I am hopeful that I can help her embrace the freedom to enjoy, appreciate, and learn from what's been given to her. In this sense, parenting also gives me practice at my intuition, not only in the stereotypical motherly way, but also in a way of deep, unwavering self-knowledge. If I can approach and guide my daughter with confidence, I can model strength of character as well as self-concept. Even in my own faltering I can teach her resilience. I am grateful for the hard-won strength to do so. I know I will need to keep cultivating it, so I can share it with her.


Saturday, June 6, 2020

14. Their Mysterious Origin

"Did your children really begin
with the union of your bodies?
Or is their origin more mysterious?

Eternal
means no time,
no beginning,
no end.
Do your children,
who visit you in time,
really reside in eternity?

If you try to grasp them,
they slip away.
They are more than what you see and hear and
feel.
They belong somewhere else
and only visit here.
So why do you worry?

If the Tao is good, it is completely good,
and your children are safe regardless of appearances.
I believed that when my son was struggling with
problems.
I believe it now when he is a handsome, content
adult.
I will believe it if future trouble visits his life.
I believe it."

Two basic things come to mind here, and I'm not sure I could put them any better. First, from the Psalms: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble," and, from Paul's letter to the Romans, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Child-rearing requires trust. In my case, it took a long time to build, because before my daughter came along, I lost two babies.  Through all of that I felt I must see my children only in eternity. Now that at least one is here to stay awhile, I feel I owe her my open hands as well as my open heart. She is entrusted to my care only, not mine so much as God's and her own. To recognize and celebrate that is a gift, indeed.

Friday, June 5, 2020

13. Fear of Failure

"Beware of teaching your children
to climb the ladder of success.

Ladders lead down
as well as up.

If you overly protect your children
they will fear failure
and avoid pain.
But failure and pain
are twin teachers
of important lessons.
Unless your children fully experience both
how will they know
they have nothing to fear?

Your children do not learn from their successes.
They learn from their failures.
They must have complete permission to try
and fail,
and discover that they are still OK.
What has your child failed at recently?
How did they react?
How did that make you feel?
How can you each learn from this?"

My daughter talks to me all the time, but I understand only a little of what she says. She stands and steps frequently, is just starting to cruise, but falls as often as anything. None of this is failure; it's all growth. I'd like to help her maintain this precedent, so that she is free to delight in her own learning. It's something I never learned to do as a child, but it's interesting to have a child and to be part of a loving family at a point in my life when I seem otherwise to have failed so completely at making the kind of life and career I had envisioned for myself. I'm grateful that all the failure and pain have taught me how to let go. It's the one thing I'm unafraid to do. 

Thursday, June 4, 2020

12. A Quiet Place

"Constant stimulation
of your children's senses
creates insensitivity.
They see so much they become blind.
They hear so much they become deaf.
They taste so much they become nauseated.
They desire so much they become forever
unsatisfied.

They do not come to know
that which truly satisfies.

It will be hard to create a quiet place
where your children can find their souls.
You must first quiet your own world
and then approach theirs.
They are accustomed
to the barrage of noise
and will complain loudly in its absence.
But you can find a quiet way.
What can you do today?
A walk?
A book?
A simple game?"

I love reading to my daughter, but I haven't done a whole lot of it yet. I love playing with her, but I also love sitting back and watching her play. I might wish to be with her every waking moment, but I also want her to feel confident and comfortable being on her own or with others. I'd like to give her choices, so she learns to make them. As she learns to control herself, she'll learn to trust herself, too. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

11. The Still Point

"A wheel spins in a circle.
The still point at the center
gives it direction,
Be still.
And your children will see
the way ahead.

A pot has beautiful sides.
The emptiness inside
makes it useful.
Empty yourself of agenda
and you will be available
for your children.

A good house has strong walls.
The space within the walls
makes it a home.
Create space within your heart
and your children
will always rest secure.

Suggesting, guiding, teaching and lecturing,
although well intentioned,
often creates confusion rather than clarity.
Are you filling the air with good advice
and helpful strategies
when you should be still, empty, and spacious?"

A very wise mom of 5 I know once told me about how, very early on in her parenting, she would take everything her kids did as some kind of reflection on her. Over time, however, she learned that, in her words, "kids do things because they're kids," and that most of what they do shouldn't be taken personally. In reflecting on this over my own long road to motherhood, I have become determined to provide for my daughter in such a way that she has all the space she needs to be all of who she is. In the course of my life--as a friend, sister, teacher, activist, servant, wife, and now mom--I have striven to hold space for everyone I meet. I now get to do that in such a special way for my daughter. 

10. As They Are

"When you are with their children
be one with them.
Let every part of your body relax
and become as supple as your child's.
Allow all expectations and anxieties to melt away
so that you can see clearly.
Love them as they are
in this very moment,
without needing to change a thing.

When their lives are filled with trouble
allow events to unfold
without pushing or straining,
and you will understand clearly
what your role should be,

You nourish them without possessing them.
You guide them without controlling.
You help them without worrying.

Being with your children can be like meditating.
When you are with your child next,
forget the past,
forget the future,
and let your mind and heart come
to be where your body is."

Notions like this must be why parents often say they love watching their children sleep. I do, too, but I find myself in an interesting cycle of longing about it. Some nights she's up late, or wakes up early wanting to play. At times like that, like most parents, I imagine, I wish she'd sleep a little longer. But then, at other times--like days of long naps and growth spurts--I just can't wait for her to wake up again.

Either way, I know I am with her. Either way, I know I always will be. 

Monday, June 1, 2020

9. Can You Make Room?

"If you fill every waking moment
of your children's lives
they will have no room
to be themselves.
If you push them constantly
they will break.
If you burden them with an abundance
of material toys
their hearts will contract in possessiveness.
If you always try to please them
you will be their prisoner,
not their parent.

Don't strive or strain.
Do your work, then rest.
Your children will learn serenity.

Are your children 'problems to be solved,'
or people to be loved?
Consider current problems with your children.
Can you create a space,
free from your own anxieties,
in which they are able to find their own way,
feeling your love,
but not your expectations?"

Before my daughter was born, for many, many years, I followed parenting discussions on social media. Mom-shaming aside, there was always something else about them that bothered me. I could never quite put my finger on it, always dismissing it as just my own envy over not being a parent yet. As I've gradually gotten back into said discussions, also enjoying some one on one as I try to keep up with various close "mom friends" who are at a distance, I've realized that they're pretty one-sided--meaning that the focus is so much on "raising the child," as one might a vegetable, perhaps: to be productive, to be successful, to be good. While I think most parents do want their children to become kind people who contribute their gifts generously to the world, I finally have figured out that these child-rearing conversations veer away from the most essential element: that parenting is about a relationship, to which the growth of both parties is essential. The way I figure it practically, if I can focus on who my daughter is in the ever-evolving present, then she will be equipped to become the adult she's meant to be.