Continuation

"Upon completion comes fulfillment.
With fulfillment comes liberation.
Liberation allows you to go on.
Even death is not a true ending.
Life is infinite continuation."

During my time as an ESL teacher, I became familiar with the Japanese concept of "gaman" which I've found enormously useful and edifying for me in all aspects of my life. The definition I looked up just now calls it, "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity." As a disabled person, I find myself consistently occupying a less than dignified place in the world, so I guess my gaman would be applying what patience I can muster in order to transcend that, if not change it outright. Naturally, being neither Japanese nor the most graceful of persons by any stretch, I often falter--yet by some miracle I am still here and still trying to get it right. Whatever should befall me in the year to come and beyond, I will keep using the beautiful tools I discover to shape my life with patience and dignity. To do anything less would be a shame, indeed. 

Morning

"Morning.
New day.
Joy of birth."

I will be looking for the good things in this new year of my life. My husband was asking me earlier what doing this blog has brought to my life, or how it has changed me. I think I've finally figured out that I'm not crazy, just deep. I'm not overly sensitive or negative, just willing to live with pain and discomfort. Not forever, of course, but for the past year, at least, I've done with it what I could. I'm ready to welcome some more changes now--hopefully ones that are a little gentler and sweeter, but then, my biggest birthday wish of all is the only one I didn't get. I'll do my best to remember that I can leave that disappointment behind in the morning. 

Night

"In night's vast ocean,
Sun, moon, and earth align,
Pulling the earth out of roundness
And making tides rage.
Such is the power of night."

I always feel more alive and energetic at night. I start to feel especially like I don't want to miss any of what the earth is doing. But when I have that opportunity, not to miss anything, I tend to waste it by worrying. Maybe as another year comes to passing over, I can let that waste go, and stay more focused. It's what I want more than anything as I strive anew to make a living and a life for myself and my family. 

Emptiness

"Dust cannot gather
If there is no mirror there."

Today I am reminded that, as a person of faith, I am not only here to reflect that, but to be filled. At the moments when I am feeling less than, God will meet me where I am, lift and fulfill me. I have a duty to allow that, and I am still learning how. 

Purity

"Purity is light."

When I sang in the choir in college, we did one hymn that went, "God is light, and in Him is no darkness, no darkness at all." Ever since that time, all I have striven to do is follow the light. Even when I can't stay focused, I know it's there, so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Ending

"A shadow edge is never on the edge.
The time to contemplate the ending is before the ending."

At a time when I am struggling to go confidently into a new phase and a new year of my life, it's painful and difficult to think about endings. I think it's a blessing that we get to end each day and sleep. For my rest to be true, I must trust in the power of His timing. Since my ultimate ending is not up to me, I can only make a good end to each day. 

Sanity

"You are demons.
You are darkness.
Your soul is at stake.   Your soul is light.
Dissipation is the threat.
Don't surrender the key.   Just dissolve."

Until now, with the whopping Mothers' Day/birthday duo to remind me, I have suffered the worst loss I could possibly imagine--out of all of them--yet I survived, and continue to despite everything. I trust that was for a purpose beyond just holding onto my sanity. At this time of many changes, may the changes I also want to make affirm my sanity rather than test it. This is my best and only request at this moment. 

Collectivity

"Ancient societies were tribal;
The group did the thinking.
Current society is splintered;
The individual must be complex."

I seem to see that in America people think it is not only a luxury but also their right, to thrive--even perhaps at the expense of others. Belonging to some kind of group is seen as a choice, and even then, maybe not a good one. And often what people do to accentuate their own individuality is push others into a group. I think we don't belong to separate groups; we belong to each other. That's the only promise we have to fulfill. How long until everybody believes it? 

Rusticity

"The laughter of country folk is uncomplicated.
The laughter of city folk is full of dark nuance.
The ambition of country folk is to grow their crops well.
The ambition of city folk is to overcome others.
 The joy of country folk is to participate in the seasons.
The joy of city folk is to achieve sophistication."

In my pursuit of Tao I can feel myself drawing into balance. The essence of myself, I've always felt, is neither city nor country, but a mix of both, or a weaving of the two. One must at least acknowledge one's roots in order to grow. I suppose the way to keep that growth a simple process is to acknowledge its source. 

Attachment

"The monk shaved his head as a symbol of renunciation,
But now he goes nowhere without his little cap."

I have often reflected that honesty about my failings is worth nothing if I am not willing to work on them. And such is the world we live in, that what I see as a failing in myself may not be seen as such by others in themselves. Perhaps, then, it is best if I invest myself mostly in the progress of myself and those closest to me. Life is short, and can be painful enough already. If I focus on this too much, it is only to try to mitigate what little I can each day. 

Winter

"A homeless man dies in the gutter.
A tree cracks in the cold:
A shocking sound."

Just as I should never fear doing for the least, I should neither fear being the least. May my humility never forsake me as I press forward into the unknown. 

Manure

"Manure makes excellent fertilizer.
Life has ordure."

I am learning to see opportunity everywhere. Even in the failures and disappointments there can be the seed of something furthering my good. I will never stop looking for that. It keeps me alive. 

Promises

"Visions better than drugs haven't come.
Intelligence exceeding genius hasn't come.
Titanic strength hasn't come.
Beauty to attract lovers hasn't come.
Visitations from gods haven't come.
Freedom from weariness hasn't come.
An end to vexing annoyances hasn't come.
Great wealth hasn't come.
Fame hasn't come.
Unlimited understanding of others hasn't come.
Supernatural powers haven't come.
The skill to spontaneously heal hasn't come.
The gift of prophesy hasn't come.

None of these things have come,
Yet I would not forsake this spiritual path."

Most days all I have is the willingness to endure everything for His sake. I only pray that He is leading me toward something, the purpose of which I will ultimately know and understand. 

Template

"Must you see nature as a machine?
Is your only learning chemistry, physics, and ontology?
What if poetry was your template for life?
Can't you know Tao by the feeling of mud in your sandals?
Thus are the sages called silly:
They have given up their prejudices."

Is it possible to oversimplify the message of God? Is it necessary to parse everything until I achieve understanding? I doubt it. The possibilities of God are endless. I believe that. Sometimes I think I know it. And then something else surprises me. That's my faith: the willingness to be surprised, the willingness to wonder. Whatever kind of filter I place on things, it's always eventually flushed clean. I'm grateful for that. It means that I get to try again, but I don't have to get everything. I just have to keep trying.