tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54430372312596523042024-03-12T20:34:45.642-07:00Writing the TaoKari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.comBlogger608125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-58979934693573500272020-12-24T14:36:00.000-08:002020-12-24T14:36:14.416-08:0081. Within the Stream<p> "Words will never bring</p><p>our children to a knowledge of the Tao.</p><p><br /></p><p>We don't need to argue.</p><p>We don't need to teach.</p><p>We don't need to push.</p><p>We don't need to strive.</p><p><br /></p><p>We only need to live</p><p>content within the Stream.</p><p><br /></p><p>My words are over.</p><p>I wrote them for myself,</p><p>that I might hear them often enough</p><p>to begin to understand them.</p><p>And as I begin to understand them,</p><p>may I begin to live them.</p><p>If looking over my shoulder</p><p>has brought you some pleasure,</p><p>I am content."</p><p><br /></p><p>I write to connect with myself and others. What I thought would be a single project/exercise several years ago has taken on a life of its own and seen me through two of my biggest life milestones to date. As I prepare for a third, I am already planning the next phase of this blog. Having things to look forward to is a blessing. Being able to share those things is a bigger one yet. I'm glad I'm still here, and still moving forward.</p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-59922153780281575102020-12-24T00:13:00.003-08:002020-12-24T00:13:43.761-08:0080. Empty Nest<p>"If parents follow wisdom,</p><p>their children remain happy. </p><p>They content themselves</p><p>with simple pleasures</p><p>and don't look to constant stimulation</p><p>to keep themselves amused.</p><p><br /></p><p>They love being at home</p><p>and don't have to go elsewhere </p><p>for approval and acceptance.</p><p>When they leave home</p><p>to continue with their own adventure,</p><p>they carry with them</p><p>confidence, contentment, and joy.</p><p>And their parents watch them leave,</p><p>with satisfaction, peace, and happiness.</p><p><br /></p><p>The 'empty nest syndrome'</p><p>should never bother</p><p>parents of the Tao.</p><p>Of course we'll miss our children.</p><p>But all their lives we have helped them</p><p>embrace life and welcome change.</p><p>We have learned to do the same.</p><p>New moments await us.</p><p>Our nest,</p><p>and theirs, </p><p>is never empty."</p><p><br /></p><p>I am grateful for the time I spent living alone. Through it, I learned to fill my own cup, and how to fashion a bigger cup for moments when I wanted or needed more out of life. This is not to say I was always happy to do so, or that it was easy to do at all. It wasn't. Over time it became so difficult that I found myself running into situations in which I perceived that I wouldn't have to do it all alone. Such situations have both brought me great joy, and gotten me in a lot of trouble. As I recuperate from and gain perspective on it all, I discover better how to model self-sufficiency and contentment for my daughter. I reconnect with the parts of myself I honed during that profound alone time. I know they have been a reserve of strength for me at this time in history of necessary distance from others. May they help me be more available when we can all be together again. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-31424906747971017692020-12-16T15:31:00.000-08:002020-12-16T15:31:29.679-08:0079. Refuse to Level Blame<p> "Parents of the Tao</p><p>refuse to level blame.</p><p>They watch the evening news</p><p>without complaining.</p><p>They observe the failures of others</p><p>and never gloat.</p><p>When their children</p><p>let them down</p><p>they remain serene.</p><p>They fulfill their own duties</p><p>and never worry about others.</p><p><br /></p><p>There is never a need to blame our children</p><p>for anything.</p><p>We can, of course, correct them.</p><p>We can guide them gently</p><p>and with wisdom.</p><p>But blaming our children</p><p>for their faults</p><p>is not the only problem.</p><p>Monitor your conversations</p><p>for a seven day period.</p><p>Make a note each time</p><p>that you complain or blame</p><p>concerning anything.</p><p>Your children listen.</p><p>Are they learning to blame others,</p><p>or take constructive action?"</p><p><br /></p><p>I am grateful to my parents for teaching me to take responsibility for my actions and choices. One thing I wish they had done a better job of modeling or communicating to me is how to distinguish between what I do and do not have control over. The biggest thing I am learning as a parent now is how little actually falls into the former category. Oddly, this makes me feel more at ease. Life becomes about doing what I can, and respecting myself and others enough to recognize my own limitations. Hopefully this will equip me to help my daughter take a realistic view of her own. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-30102803218798908632020-12-10T00:13:00.000-08:002020-12-10T00:13:22.042-08:0078. Difficulties Are Overcome By Yielding<p> "Parents facing hardship and sorrow</p><p>must become like water.</p><p>They must embrace </p><p>the hardest things of life</p><p>and enfold them with their heart. </p><p>Death and loss are overcome</p><p>with gentleness and serenity.</p><p><br /></p><p>We all want to protect our children </p><p>from the sorrow and loss of life.</p><p>We cannot.</p><p>But the way we behave</p><p>when faced with these things</p><p>will give our children all they need</p><p>to remain at peace.</p><p>Remember water.</p><p>Nothing hard can stop it.</p><p>What hardships are you facing?</p><p>What are your children learning</p><p>as they watch you?</p><p><br /></p><p>Over the past three years or so my family and I have faced more different difficulties together than I would have thought possible for one small group of folks to handle. I am grateful for the hard lessons I learned early on in life that have equipped me to embrace hardships since then if not with ease, then at least with some measure of grace. This also is not easy to maintain, but I never stop trying. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-61237209437167972072020-12-05T15:22:00.000-08:002020-12-05T15:22:56.789-08:0077. Never Seek to Triumph Over Your Children<p> "Parents who follow the Tao,</p><p>never seek to triumph</p><p>over their children.</p><p><br /></p><p>They have no need of winning</p><p>to protect their position.</p><p>Their position is secure.</p><p>Nor do they let their children</p><p>triumph over them.</p><p>This would harm their children.</p><p><br /></p><p>Winning and losing</p><p>have no meaning</p><p>to such parents.</p><p>They always find the balance</p><p>between too much</p><p>and too little.</p><p>No one is afraid of them.</p><p>They are afraid of no one.</p><p><br /></p><p>There are times,</p><p>especially when they are young,</p><p>that we must impose our will</p><p>upon our children.</p><p>But do so only for their safety.</p><p>It is all too easy</p><p>to use our size and power</p><p>to intimidate our children</p><p>and get our way.</p><p>This does not teach the Tao."</p><p><br /></p><p>The way I see it, my children are my triumph. They are my way. Why would I try to best them, or get in their way? For me to intimidate the people I love who have opened my heart the most, challenged me to love the most and be my best, would be a sin indeed. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-41976131293411346672020-12-03T14:41:00.000-08:002020-12-03T14:41:21.437-08:0076. Hold Tight Only to Compassion<p> "It has been said by experts,</p><p>'You must be consistent,</p><p>or your children will be confused.'</p><p>Nonsense.</p><p>Who among us is consistent? </p><p>Circumstances are always changing.</p><p><br /></p><p>Children become confused</p><p>when parents become rigid,</p><p>holding rules about love.</p><p>Be consistently flexible.</p><p>Hold tight only to compassion.</p><p><br /></p><p>As people age they become</p><p>either soft and supple,</p><p>or hard and brittle,</p><p>both in mind and body.</p><p>I have seen profound examples</p><p>of each type,</p><p>so have you.</p><p>Which are you becoming?</p><p><br /></p><p>Children are flexible</p><p>in body and in spirit.</p><p>The greatest gift we can give them,</p><p>is to become the same."</p><p><br /></p><p>I have mentioned before what a struggle it can be for me to adhere to any structure or routine. As a parent I depend a lot on my husband, who thrives on what I like to tease him about as his "schedule," to help me provide this for our daughter. I am making my peace with this difference between us by learning to see a schedule or routine as a framework for being responsive. This I know I can always do with compassion, but I have to maintain some compassion for myself, too. Finding the best way to be consistently flexible may also help me establish the kind of loving authority I hope to achieve as a caring, mindful parent--the kind that will help me make and keep agreements with my daughter, and model integrity for her, and the kind that will help me set and maintain boundaries so I don't need to fear the mistakes I will, inevitably, make. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-69452254405956436262020-12-02T13:51:00.000-08:002020-12-02T13:51:39.079-08:0075. Space and Time<p> "If parents are always intruding</p><p>into the world of their children,</p><p>the children will lose their independent spirit.</p><p><br /></p><p>If parents impose rule after rule</p><p>on the behavior of their children,</p><p>the children will lose their self-confidence.</p><p><br /></p><p>Keep your children safe,</p><p>but do not be afraid</p><p>to leave them alone.</p><p><br /></p><p>I once heard a child counselor say,</p><p>'You can never spend too much time</p><p>with your children.'</p><p>Yes, you can.</p><p>Children need, of course,</p><p>the assurance of your presence.</p><p>But they also need,</p><p>at every age,</p><p>plenty of space to play the games,</p><p>to imagine the futures,</p><p>and to dream the dreams</p><p>of childhood.</p><p>Too much time spent together</p><p>may be serving your needs,</p><p>not theirs."</p><p><br /></p><p>I love watching my daughter play independently. I love playing with her, too, but when she engages in an activity, with a toy or book, by herself, it's a breath of fresh air. As for self-confidence, I never had much; as for my independent spirit, I never felt very entitled to it (even though I realize now I absolutely was, and am.) More than anything I want my daughter to know I trust her, and respect her. I love who she is, and as I witness her growth into herself, I can only keep growing into myself, too. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-25888130043776349572020-11-30T19:49:00.001-08:002020-11-30T19:49:31.619-08:0074. River of Change<p> "The child you see today</p><p>will not be here tomorrow.</p><p>The child arriving home from school,</p><p>is different from the one</p><p>who left from home this morning.</p><p>Every moment is a death</p><p>of all that has gone before,</p><p>and a birth</p><p>of all that is to come.</p><p>You must jump into the river</p><p>and let it carry you on its journey.</p><p>If you try to stop it</p><p>you will drown.</p><p><br /></p><p>Neither we,</p><p>nor our children,</p><p>will avoid change,</p><p>loss, and death.</p><p>But our children </p><p>will interpret these things</p><p>through the vision we give them.</p><p>If you can manage</p><p>to see through your fear</p><p>of these three things,</p><p>your children will have</p><p>the greatest vision possible."</p><p><br /></p><p>The one thing I pray over my daughter the most now is that she will have the courage to tell the truth of (and about) her own life, always. The cost of not speaking up is too great to do otherwise. I have learned that the hard way, many times over. While I'd like to spare her that particular lesson if I can, I know she will have her own to learn, no matter what. </p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-91567503906078141032020-11-25T12:00:00.000-08:002020-11-25T12:00:01.669-08:0073. Open Your Arms Wide<p> "Wise parents do not strive,</p><p>yet their purposes never fail.</p><p>They are available,</p><p>but never interfere.</p><p>They communicate,</p><p>but never lecture.</p><p>They let their children go,</p><p>but never lose them.</p><p><br /></p><p>These parents are like the Tao.</p><p>They open wide their hearts </p><p>and hands,</p><p>yet never lose a thing.</p><p><br /></p><p>If I grasp my children</p><p>and my other treasures,</p><p>I will have only</p><p>what my arms can hold.</p><p>And even that</p><p>slips through my grasp.</p><p>But the wider I have opened my arms,</p><p>the more and more I find.</p><p>If I can ever open wide,</p><p>I will have everything."</p><p><br /></p><p>I hope I can teach my daughter to face rejection and loss with grace and equanimity. I think I have finally reached such a place in my own life, and feel that I have lost nothing, in fact, but only gained insight. Sometimes it's still difficult to bear, but I believe I understand now that if I keep my heart open, it can always be full. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-39097895405972529442020-11-23T17:26:00.000-08:002020-11-23T17:26:35.882-08:0072. Natural Spirituality<p> "Do not try to teach</p><p>religion to your children.</p><p>Teach them instead</p><p>to marvel at the wonder</p><p>of life in all its manifestations.</p><p>A natural spirituality will be born</p><p>and grow within their hearts.</p><p>Trying to teach religion</p><p>creates dependence</p><p>upon the words of others.</p><p>If your children depend</p><p>upon their own experience,</p><p>they will never go astray.</p><p><br /></p><p>I served as a clergyman</p><p>for two decades of my life.</p><p>I know for certain that religion</p><p>is as different from natural spirituality</p><p>as night is</p><p>from the light of day.</p><p>Never worry</p><p>about your children's souls.</p><p>Your child's soul</p><p>belongs to the Tao</p><p>and is the one reality in life</p><p>that is beyond all danger,</p><p>always."</p><p><br /></p><p>I want to raise my daughter to know her own mind, so that she can protect it fiercely. I grew up so paralyzed by self-doubt that I could barely make decisions or accept good things that came my way. I was convinced I deserved only the bad. Even now, when I experience conscious moments of ease and joy I get scared and suspicious. I worry. I am grateful not to fear struggle, but I need to welcome blessings, too. In my daughter I see them all. I know she will know both blessings and struggles I never have. May she greet everything more readily and bravely than I ever have. </p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-64568602059550779662020-11-22T16:38:00.001-08:002020-11-22T16:38:56.500-08:0071. Have Confidence<p>"The confident parent</p><p>is not the one who knows</p><p>how to parent in every situation.</p><p>The confident parent</p><p>is the one who knows</p><p>that knowledge will emerge</p><p>in the midst of the situation.</p><p><br /></p><p>This parent's mind</p><p>is free of complications,</p><p>ready to respond</p><p>without preconceptions.</p><p>This parent will always act rightly.</p><p><br /></p><p>My confidence in the future</p><p>for my children,</p><p>and for me,</p><p>exists because I know</p><p>we are all part of the Tao.</p><p>Come good and bad,</p><p>life and death,</p><p>that will always be true.</p><p>Somehow I will know,</p><p>when the time comes,</p><p>exactly what to do."</p><p><br /></p><p>I was telling a friend recently about how, since I became a parent, I feel not only more trust in God, but also that God trusts me, too. I wish I had learned sooner how to be receptive to that. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't is tied to the other big lessons I've learned recently about how trust isn't and cannot be a one-way street. It will be a while before my family and I have fully recovered from trusting the wrong people, but the best way I know to heal is to learn to trust myself again. My daughter gives me a unique opportunity to do that every day, and I'm so grateful. </p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-79873592091965769292020-11-21T22:34:00.001-08:002020-11-21T22:34:35.935-08:0070. Trust the Tao<p> "The teachings of the parent's Tao</p><p>are simple and natural.</p><p>Yet when you try to practice them</p><p>you will be met with great resistance.</p><p>Children have been raised</p><p>contrary to the Tao</p><p>for countless thousands of years.</p><p>No one will support you.</p><p><br /></p><p>But look around at the effects</p><p>of these countless thousands of years.</p><p>Then look inside your heart.</p><p><br /></p><p>The Way of the Tao</p><p>has always been here.</p><p>Some parents have found it.</p><p>Few talk about it.</p><p>It seems to them only natural.</p><p>They don't call it the Tao.</p><p>They just enjoy it.</p><p>But for many of us</p><p>parenting has been filled with struggle.</p><p>There is a better way.</p><p>You don't have to learn it.</p><p>You already know it.</p><p>You only have to trust it."</p><p><br /></p><p>Most of what people call the developed world is a capitalist, patriarchal society that pits people against each other. What I've learned over the past year or so of trying to live in direct, active resistance to this is that it takes more than changing material structures or work environments to counter the effects. It takes serious internal and interpersonal work so that competitiveness, fragility, and pettiness fall away and the urge to dominate ceases. One person's true power comes from their integrity and is never a threat anyone else's. As I raise my daughter, I must remember that if I try to invoke my power as a parent, I will fail her. Instead if I invite her to step into her power by sharing my own, I will be trusting her and showing her the Way. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-64986333700821395592020-11-20T20:48:00.000-08:002020-11-20T20:48:49.537-08:0069. Martial Arts<p> "The martial master understands</p><p>how to yield and triumph.</p><p>When his opponent's blow arrives,</p><p>he is not there.</p><p>He moves,</p><p>yet maintains position,</p><p>bends,</p><p>but stays balanced.</p><p><br /></p><p>As a parent you must do the same.</p><p>When your children oppose you,</p><p>do not meet their opposition with force.</p><p>Bend and they will topple.</p><p>You will win your point</p><p>without harming them.</p><p>Thus in yielding,</p><p>you will truly triumph.</p><p><br /></p><p>I wish all parents could know</p><p>the art of T'ai Chi Ch'uan.</p><p>In this graceful martial art,</p><p>balance, softness,</p><p>flexibility, and grace</p><p>are the means by which</p><p>the goal is always reached.</p><p>Remember that this does not imply</p><p>your children always get their way.</p><p>Quite the opposite.</p><p>You give them unwavering guidance,</p><p>but without violence, tension and grief.</p><p>It is a difficult practice,</p><p>but full of great reward."</p><p><br /></p><p>In life I have hardly ever "gotten my way." But the closest I have ever come to what I suppose I could call success is by getting out of my own way. I have learned to do this by yielding to my circumstances, rather than trying to fight them. This does not mean that I have had to give in or sacrifice my integrity or principles. Rather, it is by being flexible in my response to my circumstances that I have had the greatest opportunity to apply my principles and bring my integrity to bear on various situations. I try to model the same for my daughter by understanding that it's not my way, but the Way, that I aim to show her. If I keep my mind on this, balance, softness, flexibility, and grace will be with me. </p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-15400454551835232282020-11-19T12:09:00.000-08:002020-11-19T12:09:18.667-08:0068. Fun and Games<p> "Before your children learn to win or lose,</p><p>they play at games for fun.</p><p>But then they come to believe</p><p>that they must win</p><p>at games,</p><p>at business,</p><p>and at war.</p><p>They even learn to win or lose</p><p>at love.</p><p><br /></p><p>But the Tao teaches</p><p>that games are for fun,</p><p>that business is for the common good,</p><p>that no one wins at war,</p><p>and that love endures for all.</p><p><br /></p><p>Do you play your games for fun?</p><p>Do you work for the common good?</p><p>Do you divide the world into friends </p><p>and enemies?</p><p>Do you love selectively?</p><p>Can you really 'lose' at love?</p><p>Examine all of these with honesty.</p><p>The answers will reveal</p><p>what your children are truly learning."</p><p><br /></p><p>For almost two years I lived with someone who had told me she didn't love people unconditionally. At the time I thought it wouldn't matter, because I loved her unconditionally and was committed to making the arrangement work for everyone involved. I have since learned ever so slowly and painfully that unconditional love can never be one-sided. It must be fully and consistently reciprocal. It's in the reciprocity that any conditions are met and exceeded. I beat myself up that I should have realized this already; I could have saved my family and myself a lot of heartache and potential danger (which isn't yet completely past.) Right now I'm grateful to know I still have a lot to learn about the true nature of unconditional love. It lets me know my work is far from over, and that brings me joy. </p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-71499856800096368742020-11-18T23:32:00.002-08:002020-11-18T23:32:54.154-08:0067. Compassion, Patience, and Simplicity<p> "There are only three qualities</p><p>you must teach your children.</p><p>Compassion, patience, and simplicity.</p><p>Some would say this is absurd.</p><p>They would teach instead,</p><p>ambition, drive, and consumption,</p><p>and say it is the way of success.</p><p><br /></p><p>But if they learn patience,</p><p>they see the world as it truly is.</p><p>If they learn simplicity,</p><p>they see themselves as they truly are.</p><p>And if they learn compassion,</p><p>they heal themselves </p><p>and the world.</p><p><br /></p><p>Following the Tao as a parent</p><p>will often seem opposed</p><p>to conventional parenting wisdom.</p><p>The confusion lies in ourselves as parents.</p><p>We don't know what we truly want,</p><p>or who we truly are.</p><p>Compassion, patience, and simplicity</p><p>cannot be taught</p><p>until they are experienced.</p><p>And when we experience them,</p><p>we lose the need to teach them.</p><p>We live them instead.</p><p>And then our children learn."</p><p><br /></p><p>I tell myself over and over that my daughter will learn the most from how I treat her, and how I treat myself. Even before she had arrived, since my children were and have been so longed for, I spent a lot of time working hard to get to the core of who I am, so that I could learn to treat myself well. The entire process has taught me patience; while I have had to put effort into self-compassion, the focus on my authentic self has made the striving for simplicity almost effortless. For the first time in many years my purpose is clear and I trust myself. While none of this is easy to maintain, I embrace the difficulty. I understand now it's what I was made for. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-6179637946301693252020-11-17T06:04:00.002-08:002020-11-17T06:04:29.466-08:0066. Lead By Example<p> "If you want your children follow</p><p>along a certain path,</p><p>you must lead the way the ocean</p><p>leads a river home,</p><p>by remaining below it.</p><p><br /></p><p>If you manipulate, coerce,</p><p>and bully your children,</p><p>you will have no power at all.</p><p>If you lead with humility, gentleness,</p><p>and by example,</p><p>you will need no power at all.</p><p><br /></p><p>Power over your children</p><p>is the great illusion.</p><p>By the time they are six years old,</p><p>they will do what they want.</p><p>You can bully them</p><p>so that they think they want</p><p>what you want.</p><p>Is that what you want?"</p><p><br /></p><p>As an ESL teacher I learned, "Show, don't tell." Now I am learning it is the same with my babies. If I model behavior, they will be free to choose to follow. Even while my daughter is still so young, I am finding ways to give her opportunities to do the right--or safe, or constructive--thing. I am trying to teach her the vocabulary she will need in order to understand why something isn't a good idea. I may tell her knives are sharp, the stove is hot, or the trash is dirty, but I do my best to show her what to do about it all. If I can help her take responsibility, then she won't need my power because she will have her own. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-75557686966153553182020-11-16T16:12:00.003-08:002020-11-16T16:12:56.337-08:0065. Knowledge Or Wisdom?<p> "If you try to teach your children</p><p>all the facts and answers</p><p>you think they need to know,</p><p>they will end up knowing nothing.</p><p>If instead you help them look</p><p>deep within themselves,</p><p>you will have led them to the source,</p><p>from where all answers flow.</p><p><br /></p><p>Don't look to schools </p><p>to teach your children wisdom.</p><p>Being 'Student of the Month'</p><p>will not insure happiness.</p><p>Your children will have to learn the Way</p><p>from other sources,</p><p>perhaps from you."</p><p><br /></p><p>Throughout this pandemic, I have been grateful that my daughter isn't yet school age. In the midst of all the other problems in America today, I have questioned the idea of even sending her to school at all. I am pretty sure we all have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do in order to redress the wrongs that permeate American society. I am hopeful that by the time my daughter does reach school age, we can be well into a process of revolutionizing her education. I believe it is the best thing we can do in order to reach the true source, love.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-33275169360947139562020-11-16T00:12:00.000-08:002020-11-16T00:12:14.825-08:0064. The Only Step Necessary<p> "You do not have to make your children</p><p>into wonderful people.</p><p>You only have to remind them</p><p>that they are wonderful people.</p><p>If you do this consistently</p><p>from the day they are born</p><p>they will believe it easily.</p><p><br /></p><p>You cannot force your will</p><p>upon other human beings.</p><p>You cannot hurry children</p><p>along the road to maturity.</p><p>And the only step necessary</p><p>on their long journey of life,</p><p>is the next small one.</p><p><br /></p><p>I designed and printed a bumper sticker</p><p>when my son was a teenager.</p><p>It said,</p><p>'My child is an ordinary student,</p><p>and a wonderful person.'</p><p>My son loved it.</p><p>Both of my children are,</p><p>always have been, </p><p>and always will be,</p><p>wonderful people.</p><p>The same is true of your children.</p><p>No matter what."</p><p><br /></p><p>One time when I was in confession, the priest referred to me as "your good self,"--an odd thing to hear upon confessing one's sins. It planted an important seed, though, of beginning to see myself as inherently good. As I reflect on it now, it reminds me of the time I told my mother I had never felt like a gift from God in anyone's life until I met my husband. When I confided this to her, she recoiled as if I had slapped her. In that moment I vowed I would not repeat her mistake with my own children. They will know they are good simply because they exist. While of course I pray that this knowledge will inspire them to choose to do good, I hope to also impress upon them that their goodness is not limited simply because their choices might be. I will help them do the best they can with what they have, every moment. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-26562154128467536282020-11-14T14:23:00.001-08:002020-11-15T23:51:22.922-08:0063. Face Your Problems<p> "Face your problems</p><p>with your children</p><p>while the problems</p><p>are still small.</p><p>If you give your full attention, </p><p>without resentment,</p><p>the problems will become</p><p>no problem.</p><p><br /></p><p>A problem is not an interruption</p><p>to a serene and happy life.</p><p>A problem is an ordinary part</p><p>of such a life.</p><p>Effort is not required.</p><p>If you pay calm attention,</p><p>solutions appear naturally.</p><p><br /></p><p>For years I was afraid</p><p>of my children's problems.</p><p>I had enough of my own.</p><p>I tried to solve their problems</p><p>by decree and pronouncement from on high.</p><p>So their problems grew and grew.</p><p>I was not present to myself.</p><p>How could I be present to them?</p><p>As I have grown older,</p><p>problems are no longer problems,</p><p>just life.</p><p>They needn't separate us</p><p>from our children.</p><p>Don't be afraid."</p><p><br /></p><p>In July my family and I moved out of an emotionally and financially abusive living situation. In June I had found out that I'm pregnant again, but by August I--already a veteran of two miscarriages--was experiencing bleeding which made me think I was losing this baby, too. Later that month, we discovered a rat infestation in our new place, and we moved to a local motel for three weeks. Since moving back into our apartment in mid-September we have struggled with a broken microwave and refrigerator, a leaky bathtub, a faulty toilet, and just today we've discovered another leak, this time under our kitchen sink. Everything, one right after another thing, has put my husband and me to the test--individually and in our marriage. Our work and other commitments have been imperiled if not outright derailed by these ongoing distractions, disruptions, and distresses. But ironically, were it not for the pandemic continuing to ravage the outside world, we would not be home and as present to our daughter, whose own daily discoveries, developments, and delights encourage and delight us in turn. She shows us time after time that what we consider problems are in fact opportunities for growth and learning. As I see her confront the mysteries and wonder of her newly unfolding life, I am learning that my struggle becomes my strength, and my strength becomes my <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Deuteronomy%2033%3A27">unwavering joy</a>. </p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-33633975823609959322020-11-13T23:40:00.000-08:002020-11-13T23:40:12.609-08:0062. Be Happy<p> "If you have vast wealth,</p><p>it will be useless in teaching your children.</p><p>If you have great power,</p><p>it will be of no avail in securing their happiness.</p><p>If you have succeeded admirably in life, </p><p>it will not help you keep your children safe.</p><p><br /></p><p>Remember that you cannot teach</p><p>by preaching.</p><p>Try to live with peace, contentment,</p><p>love and compassion.</p><p>This will be your lecture.</p><p>This will be your lesson.</p><p><br /></p><p>The happier I have allowed myself to be,</p><p>the happier my children have become.</p><p>The more I have become myself,</p><p>the more they have done the same.</p><p>This has occurred later in my life.</p><p>Don't wait."</p><p><br /></p><p>In my life I have had to learn to be happy and seek joy. It has taken me more courage than I would have thought to do so through my marriage and family. A lot about my current situation has had much more to do with my circumstances than with my choices. I wish more people understood this. I want to teach my daughter to be realistic about both, so that she will learn to distinguish between times to accept her limitations, and times to challenge them. I find that often there are aspects of each in the unfolding of days. Discovering both can be a source of each, happiness--in embracing particular circumstances--and joy, in making distinctive choices. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-60214890868013653562020-11-12T23:19:00.000-08:002020-11-12T23:19:38.017-08:0061. Self-Acceptance<p> "How do children learn</p><p>to correct their mistakes?</p><p>By watching how you correct yours.</p><p>How do children learn</p><p>to overcome their failures?</p><p>By watching how you overcome yours.</p><p>How do children learn</p><p>to treat themselves with forgiveness?</p><p>By watching you forgive yourself.</p><p><br /></p><p>Therefore your mistakes,</p><p>and your failures </p><p>are blessings,</p><p>opportunities for the best</p><p>in parenting.</p><p>And those who point out your mistakes</p><p>are not your enemies,</p><p>but the most valuable of friends."</p><p><br /></p><p>Your children will surely notice</p><p>the way you handle criticism.</p><p>If you get defensive</p><p>and launch a counterattack,</p><p>they will learn to cover up</p><p>and deny their own faults.</p><p>Is there something you're covering up now,</p><p>with either depression,</p><p>self-punishment,</p><p>or hostility?</p><p>Lighten up.</p><p>Accept and forgive yourself</p><p>and your children will be blessed."</p><p><br /></p><p>As I have discussed many times before in this blog, self-acceptance has been the hardest lesson and principle for me to learn and abide by. I was taught to punish myself for my mistakes, and that because I had made them I didn't deserve good things. I was also taught that acceptance meant approval, which, throughout my life, has caused me to seek out and stay (for far too long) in situations that are unhealthy, or where I have only been being used. As I learn to grow beyond these, I see and accept the parts of myself that have continued to offer my best, despite all of my struggles. I celebrate my strengths and the insights my struggles have brought me. I know now that I can use these to model self-acceptance for my daughter.</p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-78889982314804641142020-11-11T15:12:00.002-08:002020-11-13T10:45:36.229-08:0060. Growing a Garden<p> "Dealing with difficult children</p><p>is like watching a garden grow.</p><p>Resist the temptation</p><p>to pull up the plants</p><p>to check on the roots.</p><p><br /></p><p>In difficult times</p><p>children may thrive on conflict.</p><p>If you take the bait</p><p>the battle rages.</p><p>Instead step back, </p><p>breathe deeply,</p><p>relax,</p><p>and stay at your center.</p><p>Battles require two parties.</p><p>One fighting alone soon tires.</p><p><br /></p><p>Are there times when,</p><p>despite all efforts,</p><p>you must impose your will?</p><p>Of course.</p><p>But remember,</p><p>those times are far fewer</p><p>than you can imagine.</p><p>Is this current battle really necessary?"</p><p><br /></p><p>I think the best thing I can do for my daughter is learn to respect her struggle. As a toddler it's her job to push boundaries and try to understand where they are or should be. When something she does upsets or provokes me, I try to remember that I, not she, am the difficult child. Rather than giving into the difficulty, I want to cultivate it and share my strength with her, so she can feel secure.</p><p><br /></p>Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-4416820243500121842020-07-21T18:04:00.001-07:002020-07-21T18:04:21.520-07:0059. Be Ambitious for Joy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"To experience joy as a parent<br />
you must be free of ambition;<br />
for yourself<br />
and for your children.<br />
Ambition stiffens the muscles<br />
and makes the spirit brittle.<br />
You cannot move with ease<br />
in the winds of change.<br />
<br />
But if you release ambition<br />
you can use all of life,<br />
good and bad,<br />
as fuel for the fires of joy.<br />
Because you demand nothing<br />
you have everything,<br />
as do your children.<br />
<br />
Do you have ambitions,<br />
hidden or not so hidden,<br />
for yourself or for your children?<br />
Are they reasonable?<br />
What will happen if they are not achieved?<br />
The adolescent years<br />
are filled with discouragement.<br />
Children often compare themselves<br />
to impossible standards<br />
of achievement, beauty, and popularity.<br />
Don't encourage these comparisons.<br />
Encourage joy."<br />
<br />
Perhaps the wisest and bravest thing I have ever done is let go of my ambitions. I was expected, and indeed encouraged, to have them--even as early bereavements ravaged my adolescence with discouragement, fear, and pain I continue to feel to this day. The biggest part of my healing has been laying to rest my ambitions. As I have done so, new dreams, visions, goals have unfurled. I recognize now that they are not mine, but they are the gifts of the life I have been given to lead. From this recognition, I take the most joy. It is this recognition and awareness I can bequeath my daughter. I am grateful to have something so profound from my own learning to offer her. </div>
Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-79280830444416154482020-07-20T16:44:00.000-07:002020-07-20T16:44:45.315-07:0058. You Can Only Demonstrate<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"If you carry great expectations<br />
for your children,<br />
they will carry great burdens.<br />
If you try to make them good,<br />
you will create instead their vices.<br />
<br />
Let your teaching be subtle.<br />
Let your strength reside<br />
in your flexibility.<br />
Let your virtues be natural<br />
and not affected.<br />
<br />
If your children are treated<br />
with modesty,<br />
grace,<br />
forgiveness,<br />
and joy,<br />
what are they likely to learn?<br />
<br />
There is nothing more important<br />
than the integrity of your life.<br />
You cannot teach,<br />
impose,<br />
control,<br />
coerce,<br />
or force<br />
any virtue.<br />
You can only demonstrate.<br />
Put your best effort forth<br />
on your own actions,<br />
not those of your children."<br />
<br />
With my guidance, my daughter will form her own convictions. In order for her to be herself, I can only show her how I've become me. I want to share my heart and my experiences, not mere ideas or ideals. I want my daughter to know not only that she has gifts, but also, and most importantly, that she is a gift.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5443037231259652304.post-82078887133327422422020-07-20T00:18:00.000-07:002020-07-20T00:18:00.691-07:0057. Reward and Punishment<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"Be careful of rules for your children.<br />
Rules diminish responsibility.<br />
Be careful of rewards for your children.<br />
Rewards diminish self-esteem.<br />
Be careful of punishments for your children.<br />
Punishments diminish trust.<br />
<br />
Let lessons be imposed<br />
by the nature of things,<br />
not by your own agendas<br />
or your own needs.<br />
Integrity will replace rules.<br />
Contentment will replace striving.<br />
Spirituality will replace religion.<br />
Songs will replace arguments.<br />
Dances will replace battles.<br />
<br />
Don't tell me this is overly simple.<br />
Perhaps the most courageous act<br />
of any parent's life<br />
will be that moment<br />
when, even though it breaks your heart,<br />
you stand aside<br />
and let your children<br />
take the natural consequences<br />
of their actions."<br />
<br />
I think sometimes that the best way I can be an effective example for my children is to show them how to observe the natural consequences of their actions, and teach them how to respond accordingly. The purpose of whatever rules, rewards, punishments, or agendas I may set (or we may set together) is only to reinforce all of that--by making sure my children understand whatever consequences befall them. In my own life I have found that understanding brings integrity, contentment and--beyond mere religion or spirituality--deep faith, including, and perhaps most importantly, in myself. If I can model this for my children I will have left them a legacy that not only allows but also encourages them to rise to every occasion, whatever its nature may be. </div>
Kari Turnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02899868466534296160noreply@blogger.com0