Day 81 - #64

"What has equilibrium is easy to maintain.
What hasn't begun is easy to plan.
What is fragile is easy to shatter.
What is small is easy to scatter.

Deal with things before they arise.
Cultivate order before confusion sets in.

The greatest tree springs from a tiny shoot.
The tallest tower is built from a pile of dirt.
A journey of a thousand miles begins at your feet.

Interfere with things, and you'll be
defeated by them.
Hold on to things, and you'll lose them.
The sage doesn't interfere, so he doesn't fail;
doesn't hold on, so he doesn't lose.

Because projects often come to ruin
just before completion,
he takes as much care at the end as
he did at the beginning,
and thereby succeeds.

His only desire is to be free of desire.
Fancying nothing,
learning not to know,
electing not to interfere,
he helps all beings become themselves."

How difficult it can be to help without interfering, how challenging to respect oneself and still to honor others. People talk about the threat to or loss of identity in relationships--can it not be that we are more, and better, when together?

Day 80 - #75

"What makes people go hungry?
Rulers eating up all the money in taxes.

What makes people rebellious?
Rulers who can't stop interfering.

What makes people take death so lightly?
People taking life so seriously.

Those who enjoy life are wiser than
those who employ life."

This is a good one for Election Day. To me it says that both are necessary: Hunger and rebellion; taxes and rulers; death and life; seriousness and lightness. To enjoy and to employ: Can they not also come together? The question is, how much of each, and to what end?

There is a question in one of the textbooks I teach from: "What do you think is the secret of happiness?" My students are supposed to ask each other, but sooner or later they always ask me. I always tell them, "I think it's doing work you enjoy." Before, I thought I said that because for so long I had so little besides my job--but now I think there's something to it. Now I ask myself: Why work hard if you don't enjoy it? Why not find something to enjoy in the work that you do? Now I remind myself: Even if it's not the work of your choice--Life chose you and gave you something to do. Rejoice in it.

Day 79 - #70

"My words are very easy to understand,
very easy to put into practice.
But you can't 'understand' them,
can't put them into 'practice.'

Words have their ruler.
Events have their origins.
People who can't understand this
can't understand me.

The ones who do are few.
They wear coarse cloth and
carry jade in their breasts."

It has been said, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." How often I have tried to stop Him in my stubborn refusal to get close. He must love me very much, indeed, because He keeps coming, almost despite me. I am afraid; He covers me. I cry; He hears me. I move; He follows me. I stay; He keeps me. He has indeed blessed me so very deeply. How can I do less than let Him lead me?

Day 78 - #32

"The primal eternal Tao is an unnameable
simplicity.
Though small, there is nothing under all of
heaven that can subjugate it.

If a leader abides by it, all beings are
naturally drawn to him.
Heaven and earth come together in harmony
and sweet rain falls everywhere.
People cooperate voluntarily, without
any instruction.

When this simplicity is divided, every thing
and not-thing needs a name.
Once there are names, the process of
distinction should stop.
To know when to stop is to be free from danger.

Tao in the world is like streams flowing
into the sea."

In the Catechism, it is written, "The desire for God is written in the human heart." Still, what a challenge it remains to pursue Him, much less find Him, in this broken world. I know I have been blessed many times over by Him working despite me and whatever I do. Slowly I've been learning to ask Him about His works, and how He intends to use me in them. 

Day 77 - #66

"The sea is king of the valleys and streams
because it is willing to be beneath them.
One who wishes to guide the people
should be humble in her speech toward them.
One who wishes to lead the people
must learn the art of following them.

The sage is above the people,
but they don't feel her weight.
She stays ahead of the people,
and no harm comes to them.
She has the affection of the whole world.
Because she contends with no one,
no one can contend with her."

I don't even know where to begin when it comes to humility. At Newman Club in college one evening a friend pondered whether it's really possible to be humble and know it; taking pride in one's humility seems like the ultimate oxymoron. Perhaps this is the point at which to distinguish--as one always must do thoughtfully, according to the Tao--between pride and dignity: The basic knowledge that one is loved and deserving of life. The basic knowledge that inspires humility. The basic knowledge that I still struggle so hard even to believe.

Day 76 - #34

"The great Tao floods and flows in
every direction.
Everything in existence depends on it,
and it doesn't deny them.
It accomplishes its work without naming or
making claims for itself.

Everything in existence is clothed and
nourished by it, but it doesn't lord
over anything.
Aimless, ambitionless, it might be called 'small.'

Everything in existence returns to it, and
still it doesn't lord over anything.
Thus it might also be called 'great.'

Because it has no desire to be great,
it can achieve greatness."

In my writing, as in my life, I've been inspired often by the quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." In the context of this blog, especially, I think it's fair to say that Lao Tzu's wisdom is similar, "To see things in the seed, that is genius." Either way, I am reminded of why we say one, "can't see the forest for the trees." At times one's vision becomes clouded by an unhelpful, unhealthy attitude, or crowded by distractions and trivialities. When that happens to me, my faith reminds me in turn that to see each seed from which the forest has sprung would be wondrous, indeed.

Day 75 - #7

"Heaven is eternal, earth everlasting.
They endure this way because they
do not live for themselves.

In the same way the wise person
puts himself last,
and thereby finds himself first;

Holds himself outside,
and thereby remains at the center;

Abandons himself,
and is thereby fulfilled."

When I was a kid, I came to the conclusion that, "A life lived for others is the only life worth living." I actually wrote it down. I think that was the beginning of every important journey I've ever taken.

Day 74 - #31

"Weapons are tools of evil, shunned and
avoided by everything in nature.
Because people of Tao follow nature,
they want nothing to do with weapons.

Unevolved people are eager to act out of strength,
but a person of Tao values peace and quiet.
He knows that every being is born in the
womb of Tao.
This means that his enemies are his enemies
second, his own brothers and sisters first.

This he resorts to weapons only in the direst
necessity, and then uses them with
utmost restraint.
He takes no pleasure in victory, because
to rejoice in victory is to delight in killing.
Whoever delights in killing will not find
success in this world.

Observe victories as you observe a
death in the family: with sorrow and mourning.
Every victory is a funeral for kin."

How many weapons do I use every day? Words, money, and of course my very thoughts. Those are the worst. I turn them on myself and then who knows how they get turned on others through my words and actions? I try so hard to protect others, to love them and believe in them. I'm undermined at every turn by my own weapons. All I can do is lay them down again and again.

Day 73 - #81

"True words aren't elaborate.
Elaborate words aren't true.

Good people don't argue.
People who argue aren't good.

People who know aren't full of facts.
People who are full of facts don't know.

The sage doesn't hoard.
She increases her treasure by
working for her fellow human beings.
She increases her abundance by
giving herself to them.

The way of heaven:
benefit all, harm none.
The way of the sage:
work for all, contend with none."

How can I even being to describe what it is to understand God? And to think that we understand Him because He invites us to! What joy and daring and utter wonder. May I stay equal to the task all my days.

Day 72 - #68

"A good general doesn't show off his power.
A good warrior doesn't get angry.
A good conqueror doesn't attack people.
A good employer puts himself below his
employees.

This is called the power of noncontention.
This is called using the strength of others.
This is called perfect emulation of heaven."

As a teacher, especially of such diverse students, I do what some might view as an ironic thing: I defer to them. I try to meet them in their needs so that they feel not only helped, but also valued. Some of them are not used to that. I don't fit their authoritarian view of teaching, so they don't take me seriously. In deference I've learned not to take myself too seriously. It's good, because I listen to them instead of to the sound of my own voice; I get curious instead of judgmental or angry; I choose my words with care, not only so that they will listen, but also so that they will understand, and want to.

Day 71 - #51

"Tao gives life to all beings.
Nature nourishes them.
Fellow creatures shape them.
Circumstances complete them.

Everything in existence respects Tao
and honors nature--
not by decree, but spontaneously.

Tao gives life to all beings.
Nature nourishes them,
develops them,
shelters them,
nurses them,
grows them,
ripens them,
completes them,
buries them,
and returns them.

Giving birth,
nourishing life,
shaping things without possessing them,
serving without expectation of reward,
leading without dominating:
Those are the profound virtues of nature,
and of nature's best beings."

I've never been very good at "letting go and letting God." In fact, I've often felt that, rather than me not letting go of them, these torturous daily concerns aren't letting go of me. Whichever way the wind blows, I've been blessed to recognize one simple fact; that is, as a dear friend answered the question, "What is important?": "God. Everything else is gravy."

While I've enjoyed plenty of gravy along the way--perhaps at times too liberally--I've never given up my efforts to seek God. In that alone I've been blessed by Him beyond imagining. I am so grateful to have heard the call to do His will.

Day 70 - #71

"Moving from knowing to not knowing--
this is good.
Moving from not knowing to knowing--
this is sickness.

You have to become sick of your sickness
before you can get rid of it.

The sage isn't sick.
He's sick of his sickness.
Therefore he's not sick."

I talked to God this evening. I told Him, "I'm tired of trying to run from You in my shame."

When I was 17, I started masturbating. Some people might read that and say, "What took you so long?" Now almost twice that age, I sometimes still do. Some people might read that and ask, "Why?"

Either way, I couldn't tell you. At least, not specifically. But, "I know why," said my therapist in session years ago. "The shame. The shame that this will never be fulfilled."

As often and as deeply as I'd longed for the life and hope and love and joy that sex always has represented to me, I'd never been confronted like that before. I couldn't bear--and almost can't even now--to say aloud that when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was rotten garbage. My body was a joke to me,  my very life some kind of hiccup or blister or burn or mistake. I would not be loved. I didn't deserve to be. And so I began to act in an unworthy way, even as I longed for something better.

Somehow, in spite of me and my attempts to kill it, the longing grew. I am blessed that, despite my egregious sense of self-worth, I could pour my longing into love for others. Still and all, I resisted pouring any for myself to drink.

I know now that He was waiting with me to fill my cup when I was ready to drink.

Recently I heard someone say that when you feel thirsty, it's too late; your body already is dehydrated. How blessed indeed can one person be, that with our Lord God in the Body of Christ, this is not the case?

Day 69 - #69

"In conflict it is better to be receptive
than aggressive, better to retreat a foot
than advance an inch.

This is called moving ahead without advancing,
capturing the enemy without attacking him.

There is no greater misfortune than
underestimating your opponent.
To underestimate your opponent is to
forsake your three treasures.

When opposing forces are engaged in conflict,
the one who fights with sorrow will triumph."

I'm never angry about what people think I'm angry about. Hence I always feel underestimated. I used to mourn my lack of potential in this world, but then I learned to hide in the shadow of His wings. Because I'm human, I'm still not always entirely comfortable there, but I will persevere until my tears have been wiped away forever. 

Day 68 - #6

"The heart of Tao is immortal,
the mysterious fertile mother of us all,
of heaven and earth,
of every thing
and not-thing.

Invisible yet ever-present,
you can use it forever without using it up."

In my boyfriend's hometown in Mississippi, well outside the town center, there is a little, modest and unassuming hair salon. If memory serves, it might even be set up in a trailer. But from the moment I laid eyes on it, I knew I wanted to go there. Its name? The Shekinah Glory Hair Salon.

I first learned about the Shekinah Glory while attending a service at my mom and step-dad's mega-church. It's about as far from Catholicism as you can get, and yet, just like my source above says, though the word "Shekinah" is not in the Bible, the concept sure is. For now it is veiled, but we will know it when we see it. I pray and pray for God to come and dwell in me, and I believe I will see Him face to face. I want whatever will bring me closer to that time and place, and Persons, forever.

Day 67 - #81

"Let there be small countries with few people.
Let the people have no use for complicated
machinery.
Let them be mindful of death so that they
don't move too far from their birthplaces.
If there are boats and carriages,
let there be nowhere to take them to.
If there are weapons,
let there be no occasion to display them.
Let the people's responsibilities be few
enough that they may remember them
by knotting a string.
Let them enjoy their food,
be content with their clothes,
be satisfied with their homes,
and take pleasure in their customs.
Though the next country may be close enough
to hear the barking of its dogs and the
crowing of its rooster, let the people
grow old and die without feeling compelled
to visit it."

From my travels I have learned that bad things happen in the world not because people ignore what's happening on the other side of it, but because they ignore their neighbors. Try as I might not to ignore mine, I continue to feel ignored. Still, I strive to be content, while recognizing that there is a certain irony in striving for contentment. I do my best to trust God to lead me in a life of contentment. For the time being I'm still learning what I have to be content with.

Day 66 - #27

"A good runner leaves no tracks;
a good speaker makes no slips;
a good planner doesn't have to scheme.
The best lock has no bolt, and
no one can open it.
The best knot uses no rope, and
no one can untie it.

Thus the master is always good at saving
people, and doesn't abandon anyone;
Always good at saving things, and
doesn't waste anything.
This is known as 'following the light.'

What is a good man but a bad man's teacher?
What is a bad man but a good man's charge?
It doesn't matter how smart you are if you
don't have the sense to honor your teachers
and cherish your responsibilities.
This is an essential teaching of Tao."

For so long I have begged God to give me a responsibility I could cherish. Now I feel as if it is so near I almost can taste it. May He have mercy on me, indeed, if there is something I, in my yearning, have overlooked.

Day 65 - #65

"In ancient times those who practiced Tao
didn't want to enlighten people,
but to keep them natural and simple.

When cleverness and intellect abound,
people don't do well.
A leader who governs with cleverness
cheats his people.
A leader who governs with simplicity
is a blessing to his people.

These are the two alternatives.
Understanding them is subtle insight.
The use of subtle insight brings
all things back into the oneness."

How can I explain my longing for a son? To some, I'm just a Catholic girl in a sexist, patriarchal, paternalistic society. To me--well, I'm just a curious girl who stumbled young upon her parents' copy of The Prophet: "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

Longing for itself, indeed. That this son or daughter could come through me--independent and fully realized in his or her own right? A miracle. A growing miracle. Of course. And that's exactly why I've always counted myself blessed to wonder more: who my children are than how; where they will come from than when they will arrive. Still, the pain of waiting for them has been no less. I only hope that, while they are here, they will know life's longing and love.

Day 64 - #5

"Heaven and earth are not sentimental;
they regard all things as dispensable.
The sage isn't sentimental, either;
He views all forms ad ephemeral and transitional.

Tao is like a bellows:
empty, but inexhaustible.
The more you move it, the more it makes.
Too much talk about it evaporates your
understanding, though.

Simply stay at the center of the circle."

My boyfriend often wishes I would go with the flow more. Problem is, I've never felt like I was in it in the first place. You are, he insists. If you say so, I answer. And so our argument goes. Always fearful of trying to enter the flow--lest I be rejected somehow, I suppose--I see now that perhaps I was right just to let it happen around me; that way I wouldn't get too attached to anything. At the same time, "stay at the center of the circle," tells me, "Come on, be ready for anything. You can do it."

Day 63 - #50

"Between their births and their deaths,
three out of ten are attached to life,
three out of ten are attached to death,
three out of ten are just idly passing through.
Only one knows how to die and stay dead
and still go on living.

That one hasn't any ambitions,
hasn't any ideas, makes no plans.
From this mysterious place of not-knowing
and not doing he gives birth to whatever
is needed in the moment.
Because he is constantly filling his being
with nonbeing, he can travel the wilds
without worrying about tigers or wild
buffalo, or he can cross a battlefield
without armor or weapon.

No tiger can claw him.
No buffalo can gore him.
No weapon can pierce him.

Why is this so?
Because he has died, there isn't any more
room for death in him."

Throughout my life, I have fought my attachment to death. That much should be clear from everything I've written here already. How not to idle, how not to live for life alone, that is a question and a mystery. A friend of mine says that, rather than live each day as if it were your last, live as if you would for a hundred years.

I like that: Stamina. Endurance. I know mine comes from Jesus. I pray only that I don't use it to fight Him, too. The temptation is mighty, the confusion is great, but the truth triumphs over all.

Day 62 - #78

"Nothing under heaven is as
soft and yielding as water.
Yet for attacking the hard and strong,
nothing can compare with it.

The weak overcomes the strong.
The soft overcomes the hard.
Everyone knows this, but none
have the ability to practice it.

Therefore the sage says:
One who accepts the dung of the nation
becomes the master of soil and sustenance.
One who deals with the evils of the nation
becomes king under heaven.

True words seem paradoxical."

Somehow I've still never been able to reconcile the notion of free will with the acceptance of suffering. Perhaps that's why I was so relieved some weeks ago when I heard a homily about the call we have to alleviate suffering when-and-however we can. In my life I struggle with how to do that confidently. How do I know I won't make a mistake that will, instead, add to one's suffering? This is the infamous "trying to help." I do everything I can to help where it is needed, but I've learned to start by asking. When I hear, "no," or, indeed, nothing at all, it can be difficult to let go, but in doing so and moving on, I follow Him.

Day 61 - #57

"Govern a nation by following nature.
Fight a war with unexpected moves.
Win the world by letting go.

How do I know this? From seeing these:
The more prohibitions there are,
the poorer people become.
The more weapons there are,
the darker things become.
The more cunning and cleverness there is,
the crazier things become.
The more laws there are,
the greater the number of scoundrels.

Therefore the sage says:
I take no action,
and people transform themselves.
I love tranquility,
and people naturally do what is right.
I don't interfere,
and people prosper on their own.
I have no desires,
and people return to simplicity."

In my life, I have done a lot of things that people--including me--did not expect. No one thought I would travel halfway around the world, yet by the time I had got there, no one expected me to return, either. It got to the point where I no longer knew what to expect from myself. And so I tried to take an attitude not of expectation, but of discovery. "What happens next?" became, "What happens now?" It's been difficult with the change in thinking not to look to the past instead, but thence comes the letting go: "It is finished."

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.

Day 60 - #3

"When praise is lavished upon the famous,
the people contend and compete with one another.
When exotic goods are traded and treasured,
the compulsion to steal is felt.
When desires are constantly stimulated,
people become disturbed and confused.

Therefore, the wise person sets an example by
emptying her mind,
opening her heart,
relaxing her ambitions,
relinquishing her desires,
cultivating her character.
Having conquered her own cunning and cravings,
she can't be manipulated by anyone.

Do by not-doing.
Act with nonaction.
Allow order to arise of itself."

In choir at college we sang a song with the verse, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."  This and, "Wait Thou Only Upon God," formed an anthem for my younger years. Yet despite my willingness and natural patience, I never seemed to wait on my own behalf without some measure of resentment, fear, or shame. "Good things happen for others, not for me," I told myself as I stood by, watching. "That means I must be doing something wrong."

I've spun my wheels for years now trying to figure out what that something might be. I'm ready to stop now.

Day 59 - #62

"Tao is the hidden secret source of all life.
Good men recognize that Tao provides for them
and therefore they esteem it.
Bad men don't recognize this, but the Tao
doesn't stop providing for them.

Beautiful words win some men honors;
good deeds buy others acclaim.
But the Tao values everyone, not just
those who excel.
What's the sense in discarding anyone?

Thus, on the day a new king is crowned
or powerful ministers installed,
while others rush forward with gifts and praises,
just be still and offer Tao.

Why have sages prized Tao for so long?
Because with Tao, he who seeks finds,
and he who has flaws is forgiven.
This is why it is the treasure of the world."

I sometimes forget to give thanks in all circumstances. I'm so busy trying to listen for God, I forget that He can hear me, too. Thus comes the invitation: Just be still. He is waiting.

I will find Him, because He's looking for me, too. If I only can remember that, I will feel loved forever, and no matter what. I truly am grateful for everything, always.

Day 58 - #28

"To know the masculine and yet cleave to the
feminine is to be the womb for the world.
Being the womb for the world, never departing
from the eternal power of Tao,
you become as an infant once again: immortal.

To know the bright and yet hold to the dull
is to be the example for the world.
Being the example for the world, not deviating
from the everlasting power of Tao,
you return to the infinite once again:
limitless.

To know honor and yet keep to humility
is to be the valley for the world.
Being the valley for the world,
rich with the eternal power of Tao,
you return once again to simplicity,
like uncarved wood.

Allow Tao to carve you into a vessel for Tao.
Then you can serve the world without
mutilating it."

The one thing my losses have done is allowed me to let go. I have at times done so with great pain, but after a while I got used to the pain and the letting go got to be a habit. I let things go too quickly or too soon, at great injury to myself: so that instead of smoothing my vessel, I carved it full of scratches.

I began to hurt inside in a way I didn't understand. I didn't understand how, if time heals all wounds, I should still hurt so much each day. All I wanted was to let go of the pain, but instead I let go of other things that might have helped me heal. I stopped believing in sentimental value. I stopped hoping for the future. I began to expect, even to court, disappointment. I learned to sabotage myself, my life, and everything. Now I'm trying to stop, and I only pray I can and will before it's all too late. 

Day 57 - #46

"When the world practices Tao,
horses fertilize the fields.
When the world ignores Tao,
horses are bred for war.

There is no greater calamity than desire,
no greater curse than greed.
Know that enough is enough,
and you'll always have enough."

When I think of personal responsibility, I think of this, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."  How can I know the impact of each thing I do? And how do I know--truly--what affects me and what doesn't? Everything can touch us; I think it's just a matter of how or where we let it. I tell myself, "If you don't have anything to do, look for something. And if you don't know who needs you, then you aren't looking hard enough."

The most difficult part is knowing how to help without interfering; how to be of service without demanding or expecting service in return; how to share what I have without coveting what someone else has; how to understand without parsing or analyzing something to death. For goodness and mercy to follow me, I must follow them. I pray my every step will be a loosing of God's love.

Day 56 - #18

"When people lose sight of the Tao,
codes of morality and justice are created.
When cleverness and strategies are in use,
hypocrites are everywhere.

When families forego natural harmony,
parents become pious and children
become dutiful.
When the nation is reigned by darkness,
patriotic advisers abound."

When the darkness deepens, how do I find my way through? When I don't see the light, how do I follow it? Or how do I know it hasn't blinded me already, as if the good things were just too much and more than I deserved?

If my losses can set me free, then how can I know my freedom? Maybe the key is to stop looking and let it come.

Day 55 - #1

"Tao is beyond words
and beyond understanding.
Words may be used to speak of it,
but they cannot contain it.

Tao existed before words and names,
before heaven and earth,
before the ten thousand things.
It is the unlimited father and mother
of all limited things.

Therefore, to see beyond boundaries
to the subtle heart of things,
dispense with names,
with concepts,
with expectations and ambitions and differences.

Tao and its many manifestations
arise from the same source:
subtle wonder within mysterious darkness.

This is the beginning of all understanding."

The darkness tells me I am a horrible person, unfit for the treasures of life. Only the yearning for what lies beyond the darkness keeps me wondering at all. Can I penetrate the darkness to the core of myself, to the heart of God? What treasure I already have I hide even from myself. Lord, I pray, please tell me I was not meant to die in this shame, hurting. I will carry it all for as long as I must, but will it ever let me go?

Day 54 - #53

"Because I have a little wisdom,
I choose to walk the great path of Tao
and fear nothing except to stray from it.

The great way is very smooth and easy,
but some people are fond of getting sidetracked.

When a ruler's palace is full of treasure,
the people's fields are weedy and
their granaries are empty.
If the ruler wears fancy clothes and
his house is full of weapons,
if his table is laden with extravagant
food and drink and everywhere one
looks he has more wealth than
he can use, the ruler is a
robber and a thief.
This is not in keeping with Tao."

Poverty does not intimidate me. Perhaps this is because, although I've had my brushes with it, I've never felt its grind. Perhaps because of that, in turn, I've made a choice to live modestly and simply, not asking for the best of everything, but asking for enough. And being willing to wait to get it.

Not knowing what is enough is painful, and scary, especially when I feel I still have so much of life before me, but I trust enough to find out. I trust enough to hope for and dream of the best for me. It's what's kept me going all my life.

Day 53 - #61

"A great country is like low-lying land
into which many streams flow.
It draws powerful energies to it as a
receptive woman draws an eager man.

The feminine can always conquer the masculine
by yielding and taking the lower position.
In this way she becomes as low-lying land:
in time, everything comes her way.

Therefore a great country can win over a
small country by practicing humility.
A small country can also win over a great
country by practicing humility.
One wins by willingly taking the lower position.
The other wins by willingly acknowledging
its lower position.

The great country wants to embrace and
nourish more people.
The small country wants to ably serve
its benefactor.

Both accomplish their ends by yielding."

When I was in college, I went to hear the Catholic apologist Tim Staples speak about marriage. As I recall, the main subject of his talk was how often Ephesians 5 is misused in order to subjugate and abuse women.

Truly what it's about, he said, is each member of the couple having the other's best interest at heart. "When you argue with your spouse," he said, "you're speaking to the person God gave you to love. So it should sound something like this [on both sides]: 'Your will be done, dear.' 'No, honey, your will be done.' 'No, yours.' 'No, yours,' and so on."

His point was not that it should go on and on, world without end, amen; but that when you care so much about another person's well-being, you will do whatever it takes for that person to be healthy, happy, and loved.

It's been frightening for me to be asked to care so very much, though all I've ever wanted to do is give that kind of care. It's been frightening for me to leave myself open for that kind of care, when all my life I've had zero confidence in receiving it.

One human to another, it's hard to know what "best interest" there truly is. It's our challenge to find out together: With humility, with grace, with love and trust.

Day 52 - #25

"Something mysterious and perfect existed
before even heaven and earth were born.
Silent, immeasurable,
standing alone and unchanging,
moving without end of exhaustion,
it is the mother of the known and unknown
universe.
I don't know its name, so I call it by
an alias: Tao.
Forced to describe it, I only say, 'It is great.'

That which is great continues.
That which continues goes far.
That which goes far returns.

Therefore Tao is great,
heaven is great,
earth is great,
a person of Tao is great.
These are the four greatnesses in the universe.

A person of Tao follows earth.
Earth follows heaven.
Heaven follows Tao.
Tao follows its own nature."

In my life, I have continued. I have gone far. I have returned. I wouldn't dare to suggest that any of this makes me great; Indeed I struggle even to let God guide me as He wills.

I wonder sometimes what was in the mind of God when He created the world. It reminds me of a Turkish church service I attended once, where my friend Barbara sat by me and translated into my ear what the preacher was saying, "The God Who created the heavens and the earth is the same God Who loves you. Do realize that?"

"Do you realize that?" says my still, small voice.

"No," I say, "I am pathetic before my Lord and my God."

And yet I continue. I go far. I return again and again.

Pathetic I may be, but I know I will come to my reward in Him.

Day 51 - #72

"If people fear your power,
then you don't really have any.

Leave them alone in their homes.
Respect them in their lives,
and they won't grow weary of you.

The sage knows herself,
but doesn't dwell on herself;
Loves herself, but no more than
she loves everyone else.

She adopts the concerns of heaven
as her own."

I've only ever wanted to love people as best I can. In my efforts to do so I have, perhaps more often than not, given them too much power over me, or else demanded power of my own in a situation where my place was incidental. While I certainly believe that there are very few mere coincidences, I wouldn't want to construe God's will where it, in fact, wasn't. And so in each new situation I learn to tread carefully: to be thoughtful without calculating, to be tactful without manipulating. It's often harder than it might seem, but it has been the only way for me to go, and I will keep going.

Day 50 - #63

"Act by not acting,
accomplish by not straining,
understand by not knowing.
Regard the humble as exalted
and the exalted as humble.
Remedy injury with tranquil repair.

Meet the difficult while it is still easy;
cross the universe one step at a time.
Because the sage doesn't try anything too big,
she's able to accomplish big things.

Those who commit lightly seldom come through.
Those who think everything is easy
will find everything hard.
The sage understands that everything is difficult
and thus in the end has no difficulties."

Around the time I was leaving Frankfurt, I told a friend (who thought I was nuts for going to Istanbul): "I've never been one to do things the easy way." The path of least resistance is often tempting, never appealing. I sometimes feel like Satan's easy target, but it just makes me want to tell him, "You bring it, motherfucker!" Then I remember that at times I fight even God.

I fight for my life every day. Once death had come to touch it, I knew I'd have to fight with and for all--if anything--I am worth.

Day 49 - #52

"The origin and mother of everything
in the world is Tao.
Know the mother and you can know the children.
Having known the children, return to their
source and hold on to her.
Abiding by the mother, you are free from
danger, even when your body dies.

Don't live for your senses.
Close your mouth, close all the body's
openings, and reside in the original unity.
In this way you can pass your whole life
in peace and contentment.

Open your mouth, increase your activities,
start making distinctions between things,
and you'll toil forever without hope.

See the subtle and be illuminated.
Abide in gentleness and be strong.
Use your light, and return to insight.
Don't expose yourself to trouble.
This is following Tao."

Throughout my life, all I've wanted is something good to look forward to. I've had my hopes built up and dashed more times than I can count, but in the midst of it all, I've tried to stay focused on heavenly things, not only so that I could bring a bit of Heaven to others, if possible, but also so that perhaps there might be some taste of it for me on this side. It's what I've been starving for all my life, and it's taken all the courage and patience and hope I have to wait so long.

Day 48 - #17

"The best leader is one whose existence
is barely known.
Next best is one who is loved and praised.
Next is one who is feared.
Worst of all is a leader who is despised.

If you fail to trust people,
they won't turn out to be trustworthy.

Therefore, guide others by quietly relying on Tao.
Then, when the work is done, the people can say,
'We did this ourselves.'"

I know this is the kind of teacher I strive to be. I think most of my students misunderstand and misuse the respect I have for them. Perhaps they despise me because I actually don't try to teach them anything; I only can facilitate their learning. Maybe some people think it's the same thing, but I think of the latter as a discovery together; I tell my students, "I can't give you the answer, but I can help you find it." I treat them like they'd know already if only they'd persevere in the searching. Not all of them are willing to do that, or they think they've already found all they need, and so they resent me. That can be hard to get past, but every day that I work, I have a new opportunity.

I know this is the kind of parent I want to be, giving my child space to make mistakes: Giving him (or her) directions, not answers; options, not orders; responsibilities, not restrictions.

I think the reason I struggle with my faith in God is that I've always had so little faith in myself.

Day 47 - #76

"At birth a person is soft and yielding,
at death stiff and hard.
All beings, the grass, the trees:
alive, soft, and yielding;
dead, stiff, and hard.

Therefore the hard and inflexible
are friends of death.
The soft and yielding
are friends of life.

An unyielding army is destroyed.
An unbending tree breaks.

The hard must humble itself
or be otherwise humbled.
The soft will ultimately ascend."

The fundamental question of existence seems to be, "How can yielding to death give life?"

The corollary question is how not to be blindsided. And yet to anticipate loss has been the deepest wound in my soul. There is the saying, "Until you've found something worth dying for, you're not really living." But what I thought was worth dying for has continued to elude me. How I have continued to live when that for which my soul most longs continues to elude me, too--that is a mystery.

Through this writing, I struggle to get to the heart of it. I lay down my life on the page.

Day 46 - #4

"Tao is a whirling emptiness,
yet when used it cannot be exhausted.
Out of this mysterious well
flows everything in existence.

Blunting sharp edges,
Untangling knots,
Softening the glare,
Settling the dust,
It evolves us all and
makes the whole world one.

Something is there, hidden in the deep!
But I do not know whose child it is--
It came even before God."

To me there always has been something comforting about the notion of eternity; ever since I was in RCIA and I heard one of my instructors say, "God has no time," I've understood that that meant God would take all the time He needed to accomplish His plan for me.

Along the way, though, I have felt frustrated, disempowered, ashamed, isolated, ignored and hurt, as I've continued not to know or understand the struggles that go along with it. At times I've felt I must be worse than Judas himself for all that I've been through or all that I have caused others.

While I live, I suppose, I never will know in full what my purpose is, as often as I've prayed for a peaceful death. Until then, I pray also for the strength to face God in eternity, for all that I've done or left undone, said or left unsaid, loved or left unloved.

May He search my heart and supply what is wanting. May I search my soul and give to Him what is needed. As I search my life, may He know that all I look for is Him. 

Day 45 - #58

"When the government is dull and sleepy,
people are wholesome and good.
When the government is sharp and exacting,
people are cunning and mean.

Good rests on bad.
Bad hides within good.
Who knows where the turning point is?

Whether government or person,
if you aren't tranquil and honest,
the normal flips to the abnormal,
the auspicious reverts to the bizarre,
and your bewilderment lasts for a long time.

Therefore the sage does what is right
without acting righteous,
points without piercing,
straightens without straining,
enlightens without dazzling."

I've often wondered how to do the right thing with true humility. I wonder if it has to do with the assumption--one way or the other--that one will be rewarded for having done the right thing. That the right thing often seems distasteful or difficult--in a worldly context--would seem to lead one to say, "Well, virtue is its own reward."

But is it? If I do the right thing for the satisfaction of having done it, then what kind of humility is that? If I do the right thing for the satisfaction of others--I mean as my gift to them--is that not truer? But then how much it hurts when one's gift seems unwanted. Therein lies the distinction between humility and humiliation. And what good is the latter, turning pain and shame into degradation of the worst kind?

Perhaps the problem is that what I want to give has not been mine to give all along. But how can I be wrong about what I feel so strongly inside me, after, and, it seems, almost in spite of, everything?

This is why I wait. This is why I hope. This is why I continue to strive to do the right thing, even when I'm not sure how I can do it, or for whom.

Day 44 - #45

"The greatest perfection seems imperfect,
yet its usefulness is endless.
The greatest fullness seems empty,
yet its usefulness is inexhaustible.

Great straightness seems flexible.
Great skill looks clumsy.
Great eloquence sounds awkward.

Movement triumphs over cold.
Stillness triumphs over heat.
Clarity and tranquility set the
whole world in order."

All my life I have struggled with my sense of self-worth. Yet through it all I have clung to a self-image of who I could be in triumph: Not triumph over others, but over this unmitigated sense of pain and shame and fear and loss and loneliness that has plagued me my whole life. With my faith in God I haven't been looking as much for a way out as for a way up. I pray now, as ever, for the clarity and tranquility to ascend.

Day 43 - #67

"Everyone under heaven says that my Tao
is great, but inconceivable.
It is its very greatness that makes
it inconceivable!
If it could be conceived of,
how small it would be!

I have three treasures to hold and protect:
The first is motherly love.
The second is economy.
The third is daring not to be first in the world.

With motherly love one can be courageous.
With economy one can be expansive.
With humility one can lead.

To be courageous without motherly love,
To be expansive without practicing economy,
To go to the front without humility--
this is courting death.

Venture with love and you win the battle.
Defend with love and you are invulnerable.
Heaven's secret is motherly love."

To know this secret, yet to be trapped outside of it, is the greatest pain and torture my soul ever has known. I pray only not to stay trapped outside of it forever.

The hope of finding my way out of the trap and into such love has been almost enough to sustain me. At times I almost can see my way out and I ask myself, "What more is needed? What more can I even hope to deserve?"

Why am I trapped here? When will I be free?

I pray and pray. Will that ever be enough?

Day 42 - #2

"When people find one thing beautiful,
another consequently becomes ugly.
When one man is held up as good,
another is judged deficient.

Similarly, being and nonbeing balance each other;
difficult and easy define each other;
long and short illustrate each other;
high and low rest upon one another;
voice and song meld into harmony;
what is to come follows upon what has been.

The wise person acts without effort
and teaches by quiet example.
He accepts things as they come,
creates without possessing,
nourishes without demanding,
accomplishes without taking credit.

Because he constantly forgets himself,
he is never forgotten."

I ask God every day to help me walk in His ways. Every day something gets in my way. The challenge is not to become distracted and overwhelmed by my own judgement, or lack thereof. How can I discern His blessings without confusion and discouragement? I have failed Him so often, I feel I deserve nothing. Yet to hope for nothing seems against Him also. I love Him; I know that much. To do so even when I feel like a horrible failure is to persevere. May I die persevering, rather than live fearing.

Day 41 - #30

"Those who wish to use Tao to influence others
don't rely on force or weapons or
military strategies.
Force rebounds.
Weapons turn on their wielders.
Battles are inevitably followed by famines.

Just do what needs to be done, and then stop.
Attain your purpose, but don't press
your advantage.
Be resolute, but don't boast.
Succeed, but don't crow.
Accomplish, but don't overpower.

Overdoing things invites decay,
and this is against Tao.
Whatever is against Tao soon ceases to be."

Before, I mentioned being busy. I see now that in its own way even this is against Tao. But my efforts to share my heart have been rejected again and again, so I've been forced to find things to fill my life and give me a sense of purpose.

All that action in my life has come to nothing, and so now I strive for non-action, although even in such striving I exhaust myself.

Day 40 - #11

"Thirty spokes meet at a hollowed-out hub;
the wheel won't work without its hole.
A vessel is moulded from solid clay;
its inner emptiness makes it useful.
To make a room, you have to cut doors and windows;
without openings, a place isn't livable.

To make use of what is here,
you must make use of what is not."

Throughout my life, I've tried to understand how to make use of the losses I experienced starting at such a young age. Still mystified much of the time, I always bristle when I hear, "God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."

"So what am I being equipped for?" I want to ask Him. "More losses?" By the end I will have so many holes punched in me as to render me useless. If I'm supposed to be a hub, I haven't found my wheel yet, my balance in the midst of chaos.

From my losses I have learned to look to the future with dread instead of hope. Slowly, painfully, I am doing everything I can to change that, but I fear it will be too little, too late.

I'm very good at grieving, after all. It's an odd thing to know how to do, but at least I understand it, almost like an old friend.

I suppose I will know when it's time to move on. Can I ever be ready for a new friend, a new life, a new balance?

Day 39 - #47

"Without going out the door,
you can know the world.
Without looking out the window,
you can see heaven.

The farther you travel, the less you know.
Thus the wise person knows without traveling,
understands without seeing,
accomplishes without acting."

People often ask me why I didn't travel more when I was living in Frankfurt. For one thing, I was busy. I usually worked six days a week. I had friends and church and language classes. Plus, I was just genuinely curious about how and why I had ended up in this particular place at this particular time. I wrote a lot; I reflected; I prayed; I dreamed.

People often ask me why I didn't get involved in more things when I was in college. After all, I was smart, I was sociable, I was fun; I was not without talent. But I was busy. I had classes and choir and friends and church. I was pursuing a time-consuming major. Plus, I was just genuinely curious--hopeful and fearful--about what my future would hold. I wrote a lot; I reflected; I prayed; I dreamed.

Somehow it doesn't surprise me that I have ended up pursuing Tao in this way; almost without knowing it, I always have sought to quiet myself and calm my activities in order to find my way.

Day 38 - #9

"Filling to fullness is not as good
as stopping at the right moment.
Oversharpening a blade causes its edge
to be lost.
Line your home with treasures and you
won't be able to defend it.

Amass possessions,
establish positions,
display your pride:
Soon enough disaster drives you to your knees.

This is the way of heaven:
do your work, then quietly step back."

And let God do the rest, I suppose. If only it weren't so easy to give up hope in the midst of all the sorrow in this world.

I have tried to learn to roar back at my shame, to disallow my sorrows to get the better of my life when I should be facing the future with hope and confidence. I believe I am humble enough in heart and circumstance to understand that to live life is to tow the fine line in between, to stay the course even--and especially--when you can't see what's in front of you.

My struggle is that sometimes, I don't want to know, so I don't enjoy finding out, though I would like to.

Where I fail in hope now, may I succeed in acceptance later. May I learn to hope in the acceptance, and may I accept the hope as it comes.

I will take any miracle that comes my way. I've only ever wanted for so long to be part of the miracle of giving. As it is I would not have known how to ask for the miracle of two lives coming together. God forgive me my ingratitude and help my unbelief if I refuse to see the possibilities therein. May my heart bloom to life in His will, in His miracle.

Day 37 - #48

"In the pursuit of learning,
every day something is added.
In the pursuit of Tao,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less is done, until
one arrives at nonaction.
When nothing is done,
nothing is left undone.

The world is won by letting things
take their own course.
If you still have ambitions,
it's out of your reach."

For me, a family never has been an ambition, never something to round out my life or complete a picture or fulfill a, "Where will you be in five years?" type deal. My husband, my children, form this well of joy and sorrow deep within myself, as if I could just wait long enough and they'd come through, be here, not by my command or demand but by God's grace alone. Maybe that's why I've felt for so long like I never could hope to deserve them or any of it.

So I stopped thinking about it, until I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get honest with myself--that I felt like A Moon for the Misbegotten, "There is no present or future-only the past, happening over and over again-now."

There is a story about Socrates, that he would dunk and hold his students underwater until they fought him so hard that he would bring them back up again and say, "There, you see? When you want knowledge as badly as you want to breathe, then you can learn."

For me it's not about knowledge, but about living, breathing, believing: There's got to be more than just an empty well.

I've been underwater for so long. When will I break the surface and be free?

Day 36 - #74

"If people don't love life,
they won't fear death,
and threatening them with it won't work.

If people have lives worth living,
then the threat of death is meaningful,
and they'll do what it right to avoid it.

But killing itself should be the province of the
great executioner alone.
Trying to take his place and kill
is like cutting wood in the place
of the master carpenter:
The odds are you'll hurt your own hand."

Trying to deny this desire I have is killing me. Trying to grieve it is only causing me greater envy and despair. I have to trust that God wants more for me than this. I've tried so hard to let Him choose, and I only want to let Him keep doing that. By His Word we are to be open to life, but how difficult it is to understand all of what that means! I only can make an effort as life unfolds each moment. And I have to trust that each moment is new, and refreshing. Each new moment restores me to Him in His love. I have to believe He wants to give me life.

I once wrote, "Dear life, dear sweet life, at least once let me give the gift of you."

I still want three kids. I know now I will be very lucky--blessed, I suppose I ought to say--if I get to have even one. I wouldn't let myself dream of it for so long. Now I'm almost afraid to.

It's a hope too great to internalize; I only can share it with the one I love. The best I can do is face my fears, and I will do no less.

Day 35 - #20

"Be done with knowing and your worries
will disappear.
How much difference is there between yes and no?
How much distinction between good and evil?
Fearing what others fear, admiring
what they admire--
nonsense.

Conventional people are jolly and reckless,
feasting on worldly things and carrying
on as though every day were the
beginning of spring.
I alone remain uncommitted, like an
infant who hasn't yet smiled:
lost, quietly drifting, unattached
to ideas and places and things.

Conventional people hoard more than they need,
but I possess nothing at all,
know nothing at all,
understand nothing at all.
They are bright; I am dark.
They are sharp; I am dull.
Like the sea, I am calm and indifferent.
Like the wind, I have no particular direction.

Everyone else takes his place and does his job;
I alone remain wild and natural and free.
I am different from others: my sustenance
comes directly from the Mother."

The worst thing about grief is that it made me want to give up. But I have to remember, "he who loses his life will save it," and so I have done my best to surrender.

The problem with me is, I won't go down without a fight. Maybe that's the difference between giving up and giving in: "Give to God what is God's." After all this time, I still don't know where to draw the line. I guess that's why I struggle to accept the love I am given, even though all I want is to love in return. I've fought all my life for the freedom to do that, and I just don't know when to stop fighting.

If I don't have to die yet, at least I can rest. Jesus, help me to rest in You.

Day 34 - #37

"Eternal Tao doesn't do anything,
yet it leaves nothing undone.
If you abide by it, everything
in existence will transform itself.

When, in the process of self-transformation,
desires are aroused, calm them with
nameless simplicity.
When desires are dissolved in the primal presence,
peace and harmony naturally occur,
and the world orders itself."

Despite my Catholicism, despite my attraction to the Rosary and other such ritualistic, repetitive prayers, I am not and never have been what you might call a pious woman. I've always feared going through the motions, as if I could follow some agenda in order to get into Heaven.

Perhaps knowing all along how heavily my heart's desire would weigh on me, as soon as ever I'd learned it I loved the story of Hannah from the Old Testament. Yet somehow I've always been too ashamed of myself to follow her example. Instead I've tried pouring out my heart to God in stillness, hoping sincerity can do for me what piety cannot, if only because I feel I have failed at the latter.

I know God will find a way to use my failure, if only because I'm not Hannah; I'm me.

Day 33 - #15

"A sage is subtle, intuitive,
penetrating, profound.
His depths are mysterious and unfathomable.
The best one can do is describe his appearance:

The sage is as alert as a person crossing
a winter stream;
as circumspect as a person with neighbors
on all four sides;
as respectful as a thoughtful guest;
as yielding as melting ice;
as simple as uncarved wood;
as open as a valley;
as chaotic as a muddy torrent.

Why 'chaotic as a muddy torrent'?
Because clarity is learned by being
patient in the presence of chaos.
Tolerating disarray, remaining at rest,
gradually one learns to allow muddy water
to settle and proper responses to
reveal themselves.

Those who aspire to Tao don't long
for fulfillment.
They selflessly allow the Tao to
use and deplete them;
They calmly allow the Tao to
renew and complete them."

I have learned my patience. My problem is that in the midst of the muddy torrent, I still fight. I panic through the fire; I panic through the storm. In my fear not to hear I lose the still, small voice.

The quiet still seems too good to be true. Instead of inviting renewal, I fight the process leading to it. I fight, I fight, and I am the only one who dies.

I hope--that phantom!--I still hope it's not too late to live again. How can I live if I continue to fight and die?

Day 32 - #73

"Those who are courageous out of daring
are killed.
Those who are courageous out of love
survive.
The first is harmful, the second beneficial.

Heaven prohibits some things,
but who knows the reason?
Not even the sage knows the answer to this.

This is the way of heaven:
It doesn't contend, but easily overcomes.
It doesn't speak, but always responds.
It can't be summoned, but comes of
its own volition.
Utterly without haste, it plans for everything.

The net of heaven is vast.
Though its meshes are wide,
nothing slips through."

I'll never forget one May when my godmother said to me, "Happy Mothers' Day, even though you are not a mother."

I did not have the courage to speak aloud what every fiber of my being wanted to scream back, "Yet!"

Since then I have resigned myself to a life of quiet (fearful hopeful shameful doubtful) waiting.

If ever I had learned to trust myself, I would have felt the net of heaven under me the whole time. Now I understand how I have clawed for it, knowing nothing because I didn't want to see; now I almost can't bear to look. It feels too full, like I will break through by my own fault and shame and doubt.

That's where this pain comes from--not accepting and sharing the gift within me.

Day 31 - #42

"Nonbeing gives birth to the oneness.
The oneness gives birth to yin and yang.
Yin and yang give birth to heaven, earth,
and beings.
Heaven, earth, and beings give birth to
everything in existence.

Therefore everything in existence carries
within it both yin and yang, and attains
its harmony by blending together
these two vital breaths.

Ordinary people hate nothing more than to be
powerless, small, and unworthy.
Yet this is how superior people
describe themselves.
Gain is loss.
Loss is gain.

I repeat what others have said.
The strong and violent don't die natural deaths.
This is the very essence of my teaching."

How many of our wounds are self-inflicted?

When I tell myself a bad story about what happened, what happens, or especially, what might happen, I offend and upset the oneness within me. I block the vital breaths that meet to give me life. I block the life-giving breath of another.

This, indeed, is violence.

Day 30 - #60

"Governing a large country is like
cooking a small fish.
If it's done in accordance with Tao,
nothing bad will happen.

Guide the world with Tao,
and evil won't be a problem.
Not that it won't be around,
but it won't find an opening.
When it can't find an opening,
it can't harm anyone.

The sage doesn't harm anyone, either.
When there's no harm on this side,
no harm on that,
goodness flows back and forth like water."

To bathe in the waters of goodness every day--surely this must be part of what is meant by the Psalm, "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life." But there must be something to bringing the goodness in and letting it stay. How to do both and keep doing it is a mystery to me. Sometimes when I try I feel as if I must be an insult to goodness itself.

Day 29 - #77

"The way of heaven is like the bending
of a bow.
What is high up gets pulled down.
What is low down gets pulled up.

Heaven takes from what has too much and
gives to what doesn't have enough.
Man is different:
he takes from those who have too little
and gives to those who have too much.

Who has a genuine abundance to give to the world?
Only a person of Tao.

He acts without expectation,
accomplishes without taking credit,
and has no desire to display his merit."

Trying to understand the way of Heaven on Earth's terms is like trying to put the ship in the bottle after the glass has been blown.

Who has too much and who has too little is not for people on Earth to see. You cannot often tell just by looking at people what or how much they have suffered.

Day 28 - #79

"In the reconciling or resentments,
ill will often lingers.
What's the good in that?

The person who is truly good concerns
herself always with what she owes others,
never with what they owe her.

The Tao of heaven is impartial.
If you perpetuate it, it perpetuates you."

I would like to get to a place where I don't owe anybody anything, least of all an explanation for living the way I live, and have lived.

Day 27 - #16

"Work toward emptiness and openness.
Cultivate stillness.
Breathe harmony.
Become tranquility.
As the ten thousand things rise and fall,
rise and fall,
just witness their return to the root.

Everything that flourishes dissolves
again into the source.
To dissolve back into the source is to find peace.
To find peace is to recover your true nature.
To recover your nature is to know the
constancy of Tao.
To know the constancy of Tao is insight.

Insight opens your mind.
An open mind leads to an open heart.
Openheartedness leads to justice.
Justice is an expression of divinity.
Divinity is oneness with Tao.
Oneness with Tao is freedom from harm,
indescribable pleasure, eternal life."

As open as I try to be, I remain convinced that if this longing I have were meant to be fulfilled, it would have been already. I remain convinced that since it hasn't been, I must not deserve it after all.

These are the voices I try to quiet in this pursuit of life. Until I do so, they remain real and deadly, and I remain trapped.

I'm grateful that at least God has not abandoned me in my struggle. I seldom feel that I'm not alone, otherwise. That hurts. I just hope all the pain will be worth something in the end.

I'm sure the freedom from it will be worth it all. That's why I keep going. That alone must be it. Otherwise I would ask death to overwhelm me now, but how would that set me truly free?

Day 26 - #40

"Returning to the root is the movement of Tao.
Quietness is how it functions.

The ten thousand things are born of being.
Being is born of non-being."

In quiet stillness I find the essence of myself. Still I fear to dwell in it, for I wonder how long it will stay. I face the not knowing. Can I master fear as well as hope? Can I move forward despite them and let them serve me, rather than serve them myself?

In the quest for freedom, identity must be fluid. This is the only way to grow.

Day 25 - #21

"The greatest virtue is to follow Tao,
and only Tao.
You might say, 'But Tao is illusive!
Evasive! Mysterious! Dark!
How can one follow that?'

By following this:
Out of silent subtle mystery emerge images.
These images coalesce into forms.
Within each form is contained the seed
and essence of life.
Thus do all things emerge and expand out
of darkness and emptiness.

Because its essence is real and evident
in the origins of all things,
the name of the Tao has survived
since the beginning of time.
How can I know the circumstances of the
origins of all things?
Exactly by this phenomenon."

Why do I believe this? What I believe about God, I mean.

My beloved recently described Jesus as, "a man who lived." Live, He did--and He died--for that thing we all want, and covet too hard; crave, but can't seem to keep; expect, but don't know how to give in return.

Love--that which only another person who lives can show us.

Day 24 - #44

"Which is more precious, fame or health?
Which is more valuable, health or wealth?
Which is more harmful, winning or losing?

The more excessive your love,
the greater your suffering.
The larger your hoard,
the heavier your losses.

Knowing what is enough is freedom.
Knowing when to stop is safety.
Practice these, and you'll endure."

I always listen for signs of what is enough. It's hard to do so without always wanting more. I trust God in turn to listen to the longing and do with it what He will. I hope also He will reveal to me the essence of it. How else can I stop hurting myself? Over and over I hear, "God does not do violence," and yet, over and over also, "Suffering is necessary for salvation." Is there a fine balance between the two?

Day 23 - #54

"Plant yourself firmly in the Tao and
you won't ever be uprooted.
Embrace Tao firmly and you won't ever
be separated from it.
Your children will thrive,
and your children's children.

Cultivate goodness in your self,
and goodness will be genuine.
Cultivate it in your family,
and goodness will flourish.
Cultivate it in your community,
and goodness will grow and multiply.
Cultivate it in your country,
and goodness will be abundant.
Cultivate it in the world,
and goodness will be everywhere.

How do I know the world works like this?
By watching."

How I wish I could see the "butterfly effect," that ripple, as on water, of actions--of all our actions--that everybody talks about. Then I would be thoroughly convinced all the time that all my dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, choices, movements, expressions…have not been and will not be in vain.

Day 22 - #10

"Can you marry your spirit and body to
the oneness and never depart from it?
Can you ride your breath until your entire
being is as supple as the body of an infant?
Can you cleanse your inner vision until you
see heaven in every direction?
Can you love people and govern them without
conniving and manipulating?
Can you bear heaven's children in all that
you do and are?
Can you give the wisdom of your heart precedence
over the learning of your head?

Giving birth,
nourishing life,
shaping things without possessing them,
serving without expectation of reward,
leading without dominating:
These are the profound virtues of nature,
and of nature's best beings."

All my life I have done my best to hope and believe despite unspeakable loss. I used to think death followed me like some acrid wind that made me unapproachable, unlovable, and unwanted, even by God. I was superstitious about my losses; I saw them only in a fateful, repeating pattern that seemed to curse me.

My faith rushed in when I thought I could grow beyond them, let go of the losses as I'd let go of the lives that meant so much.

All I've ever wanted are to give birth, nourish life, and lead by quiet example. Why have I been allowed to dream of my children all this time? May they have a place on Earth as in Heaven. For if not, where do I go?

Day 21 - #19

"Give up religiosity and knowledge, and
people will benefit a hundredfold.
Discard morality and righteousness, and
people will return to natural love.
Abandon shrewdness and profiteering, and
there won't be any robbers or thieves.

These are external matters, however.
What is most important is what happens within:
look to what is pure;
hold to what is simple;
let go of self-interest;
temper your desires."

Love is the greatest mercy to one such as I, who even now battles a sense of self-worth that has been left for most of its life to gasp for breath in an emotional sewer. Not that it hasn't tried to come crawling back out on occasion. Always tantalized by love, it would see love and reach for it only to be knocked back by a cruel word, a physical hurt, an act of recklessness--my own or someone else's.

How to begin with love and end with it, too, when along this existential obstacle course are so many bumps and burns and scabs and scars and scrapes and bruises? How easy it is to hold one's wounds in contempt.

With love they not only heal, but are transformed. Asking how only holds the Creator in contempt. Just accept the gift, not because you are worthy, but because you are loved.

My self-worth begs in horror to know, "How can this be?" But I should only rest in wonder that it is, indeed.

Day 20 - #8

"The highest good is like water
which benefits all things
and contends with none.
It flows in low places that others disdain
and thus is close to the Tao.

In living, choose your ground well.
In thought, stay deep in the heart.
In relationship, be generous.
In speaking, hold to truth.
In leadership, be organized.
In work, do your best.
In action, be timely.

If you compete with no one,
no one can compete with you."

But who are the least among us? Those who show the least outwardly have the most in their hearts. Years ago it was my spiritual director who taught me, "People do the best they can with what they have." Talking to a friend at work today, I added, "...even if it doesn't look like much to other people."

What resides in the heart is given by God. Those who touch what is put there are given a gift, and should strive only to give in return.

The key is to receive. The spirit of God is within you, but you must open the door to Him. I remind myself of this every day, in order to keep going. Only He can close it, when it's time. This I tell myself, too, so the fear cannot shake me. For what does it matter that I have and am little, when I can be in Him?

Then why in the marriage vows do we say, "With all that I am and all that I have, I honor you?" The honor comes from God, who reminds us daily that, as Bl. Teresa of Calcutta said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."


Amen.

Day 19 - #29

"If you try to grab hold of the world

and do what you want with it, 

you won't succeed.

The world is a vessel for spirit, and

wasn't meant to be manipulated.

Tamper with it, and you'll spoil it.

Hold it, and you'll lose it.

With Tao, sometimes you move ahead

and sometimes you stay back;

sometimes you work hard 

and sometimes you rest.

Sometimes you're strong

and sometimes you're weak;

sometimes you're up;

sometimes you're down.

The sage remains sensitive,

avoiding extremes,

avoiding extravagance,

avoiding excess."

To everything there is a season; why, then do things sometimes seem so slow to change? Other times, they seem to change in a heartbeat. Maybe those are the times I'm listening the best: I can hear the heart of the world.

Is it necessary to believe it has a special message for me? Because I sometimes think I must just ignore it at my own peril. Slowly I'm learning what to listen to and for, how to hear. Trusting the echo, tracing it to its source every time, so there's nothing not to believe. 

Day 18 - #12

"The five colors blind the eye.
The five tones deafen the ear.
The five flavors overwhelm the palate.

Fancy things get in the way of one's growth.
Racing here and there
hunting for this and that--
Good ways to madden your mind, that's all.

Relinquish what is without.
Cultivate what is within.
Live for your center, not your senses."

Often, for me, what's within is just as overwhelming as what's without, if not more so. Finding rest then is like tearing my soul in two. But the separation can bring everything back together once I understand what's caused the rift. Sometimes there's something inside it, like a geode. That's always a surprise. Joy hides in the madness.

When I look within, I wonder what's the secret. I feel far away from it, as from "the blue water" at the beach when I was little. Always striving for something more, something further, pushing, fretting.

Now I'm learning to be quiet, to wait and trust. It's difficult, but there is nothing more important, especially now.

As my mother always says, "In time, all will be revealed." I'm afraid of knowing everything, but I think in the knowing is the letting go. In the letting go are the blossom and the fruit, the death and rebirth, the stillness and peace of eternal rest.

Day 17 - #49

"The sage has no set mind.
She adopts the concerns of others as her own.

She is good to the good.
She is also good to the bad.
This is real goodness.

She trusts the trustworthy.
She also trusts the untrustworthy.
This is real trust.

The sage takes the minds of the worldly
and spins them around.
People drop their ideas and agendas,
and she guides them like beloved children."

The other weekend I ran across some old writing I had done--about dating. Back when I was still dancing around what it was I really wanted. Continuing to write it out was one of the ways I kept telling myself the truth, even when I couldn't face it.

Anyway, it all centered around qualities--things I liked or found attractive--and I ran across this; I had written, "When you can see someone's struggles, the fights they've had to have, that's sexy."

But for me 'sexy' never has been a surface thing. It means seeing the fire inside someone's heart and basking in it. Feeling the fire so deeply in myself that it lights without burning (too much.)

To me, this is love. I have to love so the light can be strong and the burn, clean.

 

Day 16 - #59

"In governing people and serving heaven, 

there is nothing better than moderation.

To be moderate is to follow Tao without straying.

To follow Tao without straying is to 

become filled with good energy.

To become filled with good energy is to

overcome all things.

To overcome all things is to know that

all things are possible.

She who knows that all things are possible

is fit to govern people.

Because she is one with the mother,

her roots go deep,

her foundation stands firm, 

her life lasts long,

her vision endures."

As Emily Dickinson said, "…dwell in Possibility." But what does that really mean? And to overcome means rotten things stand in your way. Sometimes the most rotten thing is my own attitude, that voice inside that says, "No, this is impossible."

But isn't that part of taking the bad with the good? Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, expect nothing? Where even is the room for possibility in that? 

Not as I see, but as God sees. Let go already and just believe. You've waited long enough.

Or so I whisper to myself, when I can't hear anything more.

Day 15 - #13

"Favor and disgrace are equally problematic.
Hope and fear are phantoms of the body.

What does it mean that 'favor and disgrace
are equally problematic'?
Favor lifts you up; disgrace knocks you down.
Either one depends on the opinions of others and
causes you to depart from your center.

What does it mean that 'hope and fear are
phantoms of the body'?
When you regard your body as your self,
hope and fear have real power over you.
If you abandon the notion of body as self,
hope and fear cannot touch you.

Know the universe as your self, and
you can live absolutely anywhere in comfort.
Love the world as your self, and
you'll be able to care for it properly."

St. Paul says die to the flesh and live in the spirit; this is all well and good--but to be disabled in this world is to be defined by your flesh, by what your body can, and especially cannot, do. To be trapped between these two phantoms is to live in pain and terror.

Maybe that's why I sought the world as I did, I mean by traveling. To free my body so I could find my life in the spirit. Back again, I struggle with what I say, with what others say to me. I try to listen for God, but all I hear is the mocking voice of disgrace. It tries to feed me to the phantom of fear.

Hope holds them back, it's true, but then favor, that smug demon, smiling, dares my head, my self, to get too big.

In the center of myself, I am worthy--but to Whom? Only to Him Who was here before the world was made.

Day 14 - #36

"What is ultimately to be reduced
must first be expanded.
What is ultimately to be weakened
must first be made strong.
What is ultimately to be discarded
must first be embraced.
What is ultimately to be taken away
must first be given.
This is called subtle insight.

The soft overcomes the hard.
The weak overcomes the strong.
The Tao should never be abandoned.
Weapons should never be displayed."

I think this is what must be called healing, too. A sore must fester before it can run. A heavy load must sag upon the shoulders of its carrier. My softness can make me whole. My weakness can make me new. The first step is to, as I read somewhere else, "lay down my sword in the battle against myself."

Day 13 - #22

"Allow yourself to yield, and
you can stay centered.
Allow yourself to bend, and
you can stay straight.
Allow yourself to be empty, and
you'll get filled up.
Allow yourself to be exhausted, and
you'll be renewed.

Having little, you can receive much.
Having much, you'll just become confused.

Therefore the sage embraces the oneness
and becomes a pattern for the whole world.
She doesn't display herself,
so she becomes illuminated.
She doesn't justify herself,
so she becomes distinguished.
She doesn't boast,
so she is recognized.
She doesn't claim credit,
so she advances and endures.
She doesn't contend,
so no one can contend with her.

'Yield and you can stay centered'--
Is this saying meaningless?
Stay whole, and all things return to you."

What does it mean to have a lot? Materially, I've rarely suffered; spiritually, often and exceedingly. I was in college when I learned to name my mental anguish, in adulthood when I learned just how--now--I've let my thoughts and feelings be disturbed by fears of what might happen. If I can yield to the peace of the present moment only--then, I will have everything.

Day 12 - #23

"Nature is sparing with speech:
a whirlwind doesn't last all morning,
a rain shower doesn't last all day.

What causes these? Heaven and earth.
If heaven and earth can't make something
furious endure, how could man?

Concentrate on Tao and you'll experience Tao.
Concentrate on power and you'll experience power.
Concentrate on loss and you'll experience loss.

If you won't trust, you won't be trusted."

If I make an idol of my loss, I never will lose it.
If I make an idol of motherhood, I never will gain it.
If I make an idol of love, I never will feel it.
If I make an idol of feelings, I never will sense my center.

If I never sense my center, I never will come before God.
If I never come before God, I will hide in my pain.

If I hide in my pain, I never will feel His healing touch.

I wonder sometimes if I make an idol out of everything.

His healing touch is my desire and my fear. But I don't live my life by this desire, this fear; they live, they coexist within me. They wail from my heart, and all I can do is listen, and wait, and trust. Even when it hurts.

All the pain is just another step toward God.

Day 11 - #38

"A truly good person doesn't dwell on her goodness.
Thus she can be truly good.
A person of false goodness never forgets her
goodness.
Thus her goodness is always false.

A truly good person does nothing,
yet nothing remains undone.
A person of false goodness is forever doing,
yet everything remains forever undone.

Those who are interested in service act
without motive.
Those who are interested in righteousness
act with motives of all sorts.
This who are interested in propriety act
and receiving no response, they roll up
their sleeves and use force.

When Tao is lost, goodness appears.
When goodness is lost, philanthropy appears.
When philanthropy is lost, justice appears.
When justice is lost, only etiquette is left.

Etiquette is the faintest husk of real loyalty
and faith, and it is the beginning of confusion.
Knowledge of the future is only a blossom of Tao;
to become preoccupied with it is folly.

Thus the sage sets her sights on the substance
and not the surface, on the fruit and
not the flower.
Leaving the one, she gains the other."

In therapy years ago, I talked about my longing. "What I'm not hearing," my therapist said in thoughtful response, "is the 'cookie cutter' wedding dream. That's good."

I knew then I wanted something good, something right. As anxious about the future as I had let myself become--then, as now--I couldn't be preoccupied with details. I had let go of those as my father lay dying in the hospital--one mad flight of fancy to end all my dreams. Dad giving me away in a suit--Dad never wore suits--and a red tie, whirling me around the dance floor. I almost could smell the orange blossoms in my veil. One last flight of fancy before death became mine for a lifetime.

At 13 I had lost the will to dream of the future. As a grown-up I've struggled with the courage to ask for love. It all still seems like too much--too much to ask and hope for.

Day 10 - #14

"Looked at but not seen,
listened to but not heard,
grasped for but not held,
formless, soundless, intangible:
the Tao resists analysis and
defies comprehension.

Its rising is not about light,
its setting is not a matter of darkness.
Unnameable, unending,
emerging continually, and
continually pouring back into nothingness,
it is formless form, unseeable image,
elusive evasive unimaginable mystery.

Confront it, and you won't see its face.
Follow it, and you can't find an end.
Perceive its ancient subtle heart, however,
and you become master of the moment.
Know what came before time,
and the beginning of wisdom is yours."

It's my own understanding I battle with, my own inner voices snarling against the light. None but the Everlasting Arms could have held me up through this fight so long.

I die of gratitude.

Day 9 - #35

"Stay centered in the Tao and the world
comes to you:
Comes, and isn't harmed;
Comes, and finds contentment.

Most travelers are drawn to music and good food.
When Tao is talked about, the words can seem
bland and flavorless.

Looked at, it might not catch the eye.
Listened to, it might not seduce the ear.
Used, it can never be exhausted."

Exhausted, I fly between hopelessness and dread. I wonder what the future holds. I think I know, and all I see is loss. It feels selfish and vain to hope for something more, yet how could there be less?

I was on a retreat once. The leader, praying, said, "You are not a God of disappointment."

I've wondered since then how I could escape this sense that God is disappointed in me, as I wander ashamed through the darkness, afraid to hope for anything.

My heart is in tatters of loss. It's all I know, all I figured I ever would know, and yet I persevere. I will not give up, though there is pain with every step. I won't give in.

I wonder
I fear
I dread
I dream
I hide
I hold back
I hurt

How can I hold on, except by God's grace?

My heart aches for everything, and nothing, too.