Sunday, May 31, 2020

8. Model Contentment

"To be a wise parent you must become like water.
It is content to nourish all it touches
without discrimination.
While people struggle to move up,
water flows joyfully down,
filling the low places.

As you care for your children
keep their environment uncluttered,
free of useless gadgets and distractions.
Keep your conversations honest and straightforward,
free of control and manipulation.
Keep your decisions fair and generous,
free of punishment and shame.

As you conduct your life,
be serene and joyful,
content and at peace.
This will be your greatest legacy.

Nothing nurtures a child like a parent
who takes great pleasure from a simple activity,
and is content with the present moment.
Are you modeling contentment
or always wanting 'more'?"

The biggest lesson I have had to learn in life is to let go. From bereavement at an early age, to broken friendships and romance, to opportunities lost, missed, or completed, my experiences have shown me that the only constant is change. As I have learned to welcome it, I have also learned that it's best not to try to anticipate it, instead, as a friend puts it, "enjoying the moment you're in." Being present and available for my daughter is just about the only thing keeping me grounded in a world crying painfully for change that lasts. Certainly in the midst of the pandemic my ideas of parenting are challenged; there are no play dates, no library story hours--and as for raising my daughter tech-free? As my husband is fond of saying, "Fuhgeddaboutit!" While I may worry about the impact of screen time on our daughter's brain, I worry more about the impact of the isolation, however necessary; what would we do without video chats with Grandma and Grandpa, or the video story times they create?  Such treasures are the gems of our days, which pass slowly as we fill them with the simple acts and tasks of everyday life. As I involve my daughter in these, step by step, I can show her that while she may not now control her environment, her life, or everything in either, she can control herself and how she responds to it all. 

Saturday, May 30, 2020

7. Present for All

"How is the Tao able to be present for all beings?
Because it has no desires for itself
and can therefore accept you
however you may struggle,
however you may fail.
There is always room for you.

Detach yourself from the seeming
successes and failures of your children.
By doing so you become able
to be one with them at all times.
You do not live your life
through your children.
Therefore they are free
to find their own true fulfillment.

Can you encourage your children
without attaching too much importance to the outcome?
Can you attend your child's game or contest
and cheer for every good play
and every good effort
of all players on both sides?
Can you encourage anyone, on either side, who
makes a mistake?
Does this seem unnatural? Impossible?
Try it.
You will thoroughly enjoy the game
and teach your child a wonderful truth."

My life is simpler these days, perhaps, than it has ever been. Quieter. More focused. With my daughter I have a singleness of purpose, with my husband I have a unity of purpose. Our mission is clear, and yet we write the manual. So I struggle and fail, fail and struggle, still managing somehow to come to some measure of self-acceptance by the end of each day. Much of my life's struggle and failure has surrounded that very acceptance, so I'm grateful for the compassion I can model for my daughter and try to offer to others. It's the most important thing, always, and something I wish I had learned to extend to myself much earlier on. But the way I was parented did not always allow for it. As an example, one year in high school I was playing a particularly difficult piano solo in a band concert. Of course my mom was in the audience, as ever caring, encouraging, and involved. Whether or not she congratulated me on my playing I don't remember, but what I do recall her telling me is, "I held my breath with every note you played." Of course, as a musician herself, she knew how nervous I had been, how nervous I always was whenever I had to perform. I understand now that she meant to empathize with me, but at the time I read it as her expecting and anticipating a mistake, and I felt devastated that she apparently had so little confidence in me. What might she have said instead if she had allowed herself some distance, detached from my result, been less involved in at least the emotional sense? Whatever it could have been, it's what I hope I will say to my daughter as I guide her on her way to true fulfillment. 

Friday, May 29, 2020

6. Relax Your Grip

"The Tao is continually giving birth
to your children
and to you.
You are not their source.
The Tao is the Great Mother
and the Source of all that is.
Her resources are inexhaustible.

If you empty yourself
of your own expectations,
you will see that your children
will never be 
outside Her love.

Your parental responsibilities seem overwhelming
and beyond all reasonable expectation.
You must keep them in school, off drugs and out of
trouble.
You must get them into college, through college
and home on time.
You will never have a moment's peace
for no matter how well you and they have done
until now,
something could always go wrong.
Consider your current concerns.
If God has spaciousness enough
to encompass any difficulty they may have,
can you not relax your grip a bit?"

Someone close to me has said several times that there's no way to do parenting well. I both agree and disagree, in the sense that what works for one kid may not work universally. But what gives me the most hope for doing "a good job" with my daughter is that parenting is not a one way street; it's about building a relationship. I will never stop trying to do that. I can only hope that my daughter will "honor her mother" by recognizing and answering my efforts. I'm willing to stay open and vulnerable. It's the hardest part, but also the most worth it. 

Thursday, May 28, 2020

5. Seeing to the Heart

"Some behavior in your children will seem 'good'
to you.
Other behavior will seem unequivocally 'bad.'
Notice both in your children
without being overly impressed by one
nor overly dismayed by the other.
In doing so you will be imitating the Tao
which sees our behavior as a mask
and sees immediately beneath it
to the good within our heart.

Above all, do not attack your child's behavior
and attempt to change it
by endless talking and scolding.
Stay at your center and look beneath the behavior
to the heart of the child.
There you will find only good.
When you see the heart
you will know what to do.

Of course some behavior is dangerous to the child
and to others.
Express your concern with the behavior.
Do not attack the child.
Consider now a particular behavior that concerns
you.
Meditate carefully and see through
to the heart of your child.
What does it tell you?"

Sometimes when we play, my daughter hits or scratches my face and pulls my hair. Sometimes she keeps doing so even after I've told her to stop, that it hurts me. I get frustrated and start worrying that she hates my guts and is doing it on purpose--even though she is just over a year old! My husband and I have agreed to keep our rules with her simple and firm, so we are patient and gentle in reinforcing our boundaries with her about touching. It takes a lot of energy to stay present for these interactions, and sometimes I just move away from my daughter or put my head down, similar to the way she will turn away and suck her thumb when she's overstimulated. I'm trying to show her rather than tell her the impact her behavior has on me. But also, I know that in some way she is just trying to connect, and have read before about how kids who seem to be "attention-seeking" just really want to connect with their parents and other people in their lives. I also try so hard to remember that, when it comes to their parents, kids "just want you"--not the latest toy, or fashion, or trip. I worry so often that I will not be able to do enough for my daughter, but I know that with an open heart I will be plenty for her. 

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

4. Infinite Possibilities

"You do not know the true origin of your children.
You call them yours
but they belong to a greater Mystery.
You do not know the name of this Mystery,
but it is the true Mother and Father of your 
children.

At birth your children are filled with possibilities.
It is not your job to limit these possibilities.
Do not say, 'This and that are possible for you.
These other things are not.'
They will discover on their own what is and is not
possible.
It is your job to help them stay open
to the marvelous mysteries of life.

It may be interesting to ask,
'What limitations have I, unthinking,
taken upon myself?'
It is very difficult for your child's horizons
to be greater than your own.
Do something today that pushes
against your own preconceptions.
Then take your child's hand
and gently encourage her to do the same."

For me being disabled has meant knowing my limitations--or at least knowing which ones had been imposed on me by others--before I knew myself. This was the single greatest threat to my self-concept, the biggest thief of self-worth, self-respect, and self-determination. Fortunately as I grew up I learned to repair these things, and of course some of that work is still in progress. In becoming a parent I am determined for my daughter to have a more authentic experience; the fact that she isn't presenting as disabled at all now may make that easier. But my husband and I talk often about the differences in how we each were raised, and wanting to strike the right balance. Where I was "helicopter-parented," his folks were quite permissive. Where I want to give our daughter more freedom, he wants to give more guidance and be firm. In raising her I think it only right that her horizons should be broader than ours were, and that our own self-concepts should be challenged and refined through our relationships with her.


Tuesday, May 26, 2020

3. Happiness Is Contagious

"If you always compare your children's abilities
to those of great athletes, entertainers, and
celebrities,
they will lose their own power.
If you urge them to acquire and achieve,
they will learn to cheat and steal
to meet your expectations.

Encourage your children's deepest joys,
not their superficial desires.
Praise their patience,
not their ambition.
Do not value the distractions and diversions
that masquerade as success.
They will learn to hear their own voice
instead of the noise of the crowd.

If you teach them to achieve
they will never be content.
If you teach them contentment,
they will naturally achieve everything.

We all want our children to be happy.
Somehow, some way today
show them something that makes you happy,
something you truly enjoy.
Your own happiness is contagious.
They learn the art from you."

My daughter is a happy baby. I was not. I am learning joy from her, and in reflecting it, can model it. At least, this is what I hope for. Raised to achieve, I did not learn to do or enjoy things for their own sake. I believe I am learning that now through the process of parenting, having been given to understand that having a child is not an achievement, but a gift. It's not that I have never enjoyed another task--I work hard in everything I do, and enjoy that deeply. But underneath it all is the pursuit of excellence, which is rooted in shame rather than joy. I want to show my daughter that she is the gift, so that she learns to give naturally and with the confidence that begets true humility. 

Monday, May 25, 2020

2. Take Care with Labels

"When you teach your children that certain
things are good,
they are likely to call all different things bad.
If you teach them that certain things are
beautiful,
they may see all other things as ugly.

Call difficult things, 'difficult,'
and easy things, 'easy,'
without avoiding one and seeking the other
and your children will learn self-confidence.
Call results, 'results,'
without labeling one as success
and another as failure
and your children will learn freedom from fear.
Call birth, 'birth,'
and death, 'death,'
without seeing one as good
and the other as evil
and your children will be at home with life.

Notice today how your children label things.
'This stinks.'
'That's stupid.'
Don't correct them.
Just notice and consider how they learned.
Start today to teach a different lesson."

I want so much for my daughter, especially the lessons I could never seem to learn as I was growing up: That one is good, right, and worth it because one exists; that mistakes are for learning and growth, not shame and consternation; that all people--every single person on the planet--are entitled to have their needs met and to be loved. I try every day to release myself from the judgments and condemnations I absorbed from a world that never seemed to want, need, or hear me. Above all I try to understand that in each person's most vulnerable heart, all exist in such a world at some time or other. I want to teach my daughter to embrace this vulnerability and master the gift that it is, so that she can live, and love, tenderly. 

Sunday, May 24, 2020

1. Words of Life

"You can speak to your children of life,
but your words are not life itself.
You can show them what you see,
but your showing and their seeing
are forever different things.

You cannot speak to them of Divinity Itself.
But you can share with them
the millions of manifestations of this Reality
arrayed before them every moment.
Since these manifestations have their origin
in the Tao,
the visible will reveal the invisible to them."

Don't mistake your desire to talk for their
readiness to listen.
Far more important are the wordless truths they
learn from you.
If you take delight in the ordinary wonders of
life,
they will feel the depth of your pleasure
and learn to experience joy.
If you walk with them in the darkness of life's
mysteries
you will open the gate to understanding.
They will learn to see in the darkness
and not be afraid.

Go for a slow and mindful walk.
Show them every little thing that catches your
eye.
Notice every little thing that catches theirs.
Don't look for lessons or seek to teach great
things.
Just notice.
The lesson will teach itself."

In my Mothers' Day card this year, my mom included some words of encouragement for me about parenting my daughter: "You are so gentle, loving, relaxed, and caring with her." At first I found this hard to believe, although in my daughter's earliest earthly days, when she would visit, my mom (who breastfed twins!) would marvel at my own breastfeeding, "You're so relaxed!" It's true, I enjoy it, as I enjoy most other aspects of being a parent--but as with most other things I do, I have a strong urge to get it right. Caring for my baby was no different; each step in the process--changing, feeding, burping, dressing, bathing--felt like the steps of a homework assignment or, worse, a math problem!

Now that my baby is growing into an exuberant toddler, I've backed off a bit, learning as I do so to live vicariously through her explorations. I, too, would love to rip up books, chew lint, scream for food, stand, stretch, step and fall with abandon--even as I struggle through the cognitive dissonance of feeling guilty that I "let" her do these things. I know she is learning, and I think the best thing I can do for her is let her know I'm learning, too. I love her so much!