Day 35 - #20

"Be done with knowing and your worries
will disappear.
How much difference is there between yes and no?
How much distinction between good and evil?
Fearing what others fear, admiring
what they admire--
nonsense.

Conventional people are jolly and reckless,
feasting on worldly things and carrying
on as though every day were the
beginning of spring.
I alone remain uncommitted, like an
infant who hasn't yet smiled:
lost, quietly drifting, unattached
to ideas and places and things.

Conventional people hoard more than they need,
but I possess nothing at all,
know nothing at all,
understand nothing at all.
They are bright; I am dark.
They are sharp; I am dull.
Like the sea, I am calm and indifferent.
Like the wind, I have no particular direction.

Everyone else takes his place and does his job;
I alone remain wild and natural and free.
I am different from others: my sustenance
comes directly from the Mother."

The worst thing about grief is that it made me want to give up. But I have to remember, "he who loses his life will save it," and so I have done my best to surrender.

The problem with me is, I won't go down without a fight. Maybe that's the difference between giving up and giving in: "Give to God what is God's." After all this time, I still don't know where to draw the line. I guess that's why I struggle to accept the love I am given, even though all I want is to love in return. I've fought all my life for the freedom to do that, and I just don't know when to stop fighting.

If I don't have to die yet, at least I can rest. Jesus, help me to rest in You.