Day 32 - #73

"Those who are courageous out of daring
are killed.
Those who are courageous out of love
survive.
The first is harmful, the second beneficial.

Heaven prohibits some things,
but who knows the reason?
Not even the sage knows the answer to this.

This is the way of heaven:
It doesn't contend, but easily overcomes.
It doesn't speak, but always responds.
It can't be summoned, but comes of
its own volition.
Utterly without haste, it plans for everything.

The net of heaven is vast.
Though its meshes are wide,
nothing slips through."

I'll never forget one May when my godmother said to me, "Happy Mothers' Day, even though you are not a mother."

I did not have the courage to speak aloud what every fiber of my being wanted to scream back, "Yet!"

Since then I have resigned myself to a life of quiet (fearful hopeful shameful doubtful) waiting.

If ever I had learned to trust myself, I would have felt the net of heaven under me the whole time. Now I understand how I have clawed for it, knowing nothing because I didn't want to see; now I almost can't bear to look. It feels too full, like I will break through by my own fault and shame and doubt.

That's where this pain comes from--not accepting and sharing the gift within me.