Day 9 - #35

"Stay centered in the Tao and the world
comes to you:
Comes, and isn't harmed;
Comes, and finds contentment.

Most travelers are drawn to music and good food.
When Tao is talked about, the words can seem
bland and flavorless.

Looked at, it might not catch the eye.
Listened to, it might not seduce the ear.
Used, it can never be exhausted."

Exhausted, I fly between hopelessness and dread. I wonder what the future holds. I think I know, and all I see is loss. It feels selfish and vain to hope for something more, yet how could there be less?

I was on a retreat once. The leader, praying, said, "You are not a God of disappointment."

I've wondered since then how I could escape this sense that God is disappointed in me, as I wander ashamed through the darkness, afraid to hope for anything.

My heart is in tatters of loss. It's all I know, all I figured I ever would know, and yet I persevere. I will not give up, though there is pain with every step. I won't give in.

I wonder
I fear
I dread
I dream
I hide
I hold back
I hurt

How can I hold on, except by God's grace?

My heart aches for everything, and nothing, too.