Day 76 - #34

"The great Tao floods and flows in
every direction.
Everything in existence depends on it,
and it doesn't deny them.
It accomplishes its work without naming or
making claims for itself.

Everything in existence is clothed and
nourished by it, but it doesn't lord
over anything.
Aimless, ambitionless, it might be called 'small.'

Everything in existence returns to it, and
still it doesn't lord over anything.
Thus it might also be called 'great.'

Because it has no desire to be great,
it can achieve greatness."

In my writing, as in my life, I've been inspired often by the quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." In the context of this blog, especially, I think it's fair to say that Lao Tzu's wisdom is similar, "To see things in the seed, that is genius." Either way, I am reminded of why we say one, "can't see the forest for the trees." At times one's vision becomes clouded by an unhelpful, unhealthy attitude, or crowded by distractions and trivialities. When that happens to me, my faith reminds me in turn that to see each seed from which the forest has sprung would be wondrous, indeed.

Day 75 - #7

"Heaven is eternal, earth everlasting.
They endure this way because they
do not live for themselves.

In the same way the wise person
puts himself last,
and thereby finds himself first;

Holds himself outside,
and thereby remains at the center;

Abandons himself,
and is thereby fulfilled."

When I was a kid, I came to the conclusion that, "A life lived for others is the only life worth living." I actually wrote it down. I think that was the beginning of every important journey I've ever taken.

Day 74 - #31

"Weapons are tools of evil, shunned and
avoided by everything in nature.
Because people of Tao follow nature,
they want nothing to do with weapons.

Unevolved people are eager to act out of strength,
but a person of Tao values peace and quiet.
He knows that every being is born in the
womb of Tao.
This means that his enemies are his enemies
second, his own brothers and sisters first.

This he resorts to weapons only in the direst
necessity, and then uses them with
utmost restraint.
He takes no pleasure in victory, because
to rejoice in victory is to delight in killing.
Whoever delights in killing will not find
success in this world.

Observe victories as you observe a
death in the family: with sorrow and mourning.
Every victory is a funeral for kin."

How many weapons do I use every day? Words, money, and of course my very thoughts. Those are the worst. I turn them on myself and then who knows how they get turned on others through my words and actions? I try so hard to protect others, to love them and believe in them. I'm undermined at every turn by my own weapons. All I can do is lay them down again and again.

Day 73 - #81

"True words aren't elaborate.
Elaborate words aren't true.

Good people don't argue.
People who argue aren't good.

People who know aren't full of facts.
People who are full of facts don't know.

The sage doesn't hoard.
She increases her treasure by
working for her fellow human beings.
She increases her abundance by
giving herself to them.

The way of heaven:
benefit all, harm none.
The way of the sage:
work for all, contend with none."

How can I even being to describe what it is to understand God? And to think that we understand Him because He invites us to! What joy and daring and utter wonder. May I stay equal to the task all my days.

Day 72 - #68

"A good general doesn't show off his power.
A good warrior doesn't get angry.
A good conqueror doesn't attack people.
A good employer puts himself below his
employees.

This is called the power of noncontention.
This is called using the strength of others.
This is called perfect emulation of heaven."

As a teacher, especially of such diverse students, I do what some might view as an ironic thing: I defer to them. I try to meet them in their needs so that they feel not only helped, but also valued. Some of them are not used to that. I don't fit their authoritarian view of teaching, so they don't take me seriously. In deference I've learned not to take myself too seriously. It's good, because I listen to them instead of to the sound of my own voice; I get curious instead of judgmental or angry; I choose my words with care, not only so that they will listen, but also so that they will understand, and want to.

Day 71 - #51

"Tao gives life to all beings.
Nature nourishes them.
Fellow creatures shape them.
Circumstances complete them.

Everything in existence respects Tao
and honors nature--
not by decree, but spontaneously.

Tao gives life to all beings.
Nature nourishes them,
develops them,
shelters them,
nurses them,
grows them,
ripens them,
completes them,
buries them,
and returns them.

Giving birth,
nourishing life,
shaping things without possessing them,
serving without expectation of reward,
leading without dominating:
Those are the profound virtues of nature,
and of nature's best beings."

I've never been very good at "letting go and letting God." In fact, I've often felt that, rather than me not letting go of them, these torturous daily concerns aren't letting go of me. Whichever way the wind blows, I've been blessed to recognize one simple fact; that is, as a dear friend answered the question, "What is important?": "God. Everything else is gravy."

While I've enjoyed plenty of gravy along the way--perhaps at times too liberally--I've never given up my efforts to seek God. In that alone I've been blessed by Him beyond imagining. I am so grateful to have heard the call to do His will.

Day 70 - #71

"Moving from knowing to not knowing--
this is good.
Moving from not knowing to knowing--
this is sickness.

You have to become sick of your sickness
before you can get rid of it.

The sage isn't sick.
He's sick of his sickness.
Therefore he's not sick."

I talked to God this evening. I told Him, "I'm tired of trying to run from You in my shame."

When I was 17, I started masturbating. Some people might read that and say, "What took you so long?" Now almost twice that age, I sometimes still do. Some people might read that and ask, "Why?"

Either way, I couldn't tell you. At least, not specifically. But, "I know why," said my therapist in session years ago. "The shame. The shame that this will never be fulfilled."

As often and as deeply as I'd longed for the life and hope and love and joy that sex always has represented to me, I'd never been confronted like that before. I couldn't bear--and almost can't even now--to say aloud that when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was rotten garbage. My body was a joke to me,  my very life some kind of hiccup or blister or burn or mistake. I would not be loved. I didn't deserve to be. And so I began to act in an unworthy way, even as I longed for something better.

Somehow, in spite of me and my attempts to kill it, the longing grew. I am blessed that, despite my egregious sense of self-worth, I could pour my longing into love for others. Still and all, I resisted pouring any for myself to drink.

I know now that He was waiting with me to fill my cup when I was ready to drink.

Recently I heard someone say that when you feel thirsty, it's too late; your body already is dehydrated. How blessed indeed can one person be, that with our Lord God in the Body of Christ, this is not the case?

Day 69 - #69

"In conflict it is better to be receptive
than aggressive, better to retreat a foot
than advance an inch.

This is called moving ahead without advancing,
capturing the enemy without attacking him.

There is no greater misfortune than
underestimating your opponent.
To underestimate your opponent is to
forsake your three treasures.

When opposing forces are engaged in conflict,
the one who fights with sorrow will triumph."

I'm never angry about what people think I'm angry about. Hence I always feel underestimated. I used to mourn my lack of potential in this world, but then I learned to hide in the shadow of His wings. Because I'm human, I'm still not always entirely comfortable there, but I will persevere until my tears have been wiped away forever. 

Day 68 - #6

"The heart of Tao is immortal,
the mysterious fertile mother of us all,
of heaven and earth,
of every thing
and not-thing.

Invisible yet ever-present,
you can use it forever without using it up."

In my boyfriend's hometown in Mississippi, well outside the town center, there is a little, modest and unassuming hair salon. If memory serves, it might even be set up in a trailer. But from the moment I laid eyes on it, I knew I wanted to go there. Its name? The Shekinah Glory Hair Salon.

I first learned about the Shekinah Glory while attending a service at my mom and step-dad's mega-church. It's about as far from Catholicism as you can get, and yet, just like my source above says, though the word "Shekinah" is not in the Bible, the concept sure is. For now it is veiled, but we will know it when we see it. I pray and pray for God to come and dwell in me, and I believe I will see Him face to face. I want whatever will bring me closer to that time and place, and Persons, forever.

Day 67 - #81

"Let there be small countries with few people.
Let the people have no use for complicated
machinery.
Let them be mindful of death so that they
don't move too far from their birthplaces.
If there are boats and carriages,
let there be nowhere to take them to.
If there are weapons,
let there be no occasion to display them.
Let the people's responsibilities be few
enough that they may remember them
by knotting a string.
Let them enjoy their food,
be content with their clothes,
be satisfied with their homes,
and take pleasure in their customs.
Though the next country may be close enough
to hear the barking of its dogs and the
crowing of its rooster, let the people
grow old and die without feeling compelled
to visit it."

From my travels I have learned that bad things happen in the world not because people ignore what's happening on the other side of it, but because they ignore their neighbors. Try as I might not to ignore mine, I continue to feel ignored. Still, I strive to be content, while recognizing that there is a certain irony in striving for contentment. I do my best to trust God to lead me in a life of contentment. For the time being I'm still learning what I have to be content with.

Day 66 - #27

"A good runner leaves no tracks;
a good speaker makes no slips;
a good planner doesn't have to scheme.
The best lock has no bolt, and
no one can open it.
The best knot uses no rope, and
no one can untie it.

Thus the master is always good at saving
people, and doesn't abandon anyone;
Always good at saving things, and
doesn't waste anything.
This is known as 'following the light.'

What is a good man but a bad man's teacher?
What is a bad man but a good man's charge?
It doesn't matter how smart you are if you
don't have the sense to honor your teachers
and cherish your responsibilities.
This is an essential teaching of Tao."

For so long I have begged God to give me a responsibility I could cherish. Now I feel as if it is so near I almost can taste it. May He have mercy on me, indeed, if there is something I, in my yearning, have overlooked.

Day 65 - #65

"In ancient times those who practiced Tao
didn't want to enlighten people,
but to keep them natural and simple.

When cleverness and intellect abound,
people don't do well.
A leader who governs with cleverness
cheats his people.
A leader who governs with simplicity
is a blessing to his people.

These are the two alternatives.
Understanding them is subtle insight.
The use of subtle insight brings
all things back into the oneness."

How can I explain my longing for a son? To some, I'm just a Catholic girl in a sexist, patriarchal, paternalistic society. To me--well, I'm just a curious girl who stumbled young upon her parents' copy of The Prophet: "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

Longing for itself, indeed. That this son or daughter could come through me--independent and fully realized in his or her own right? A miracle. A growing miracle. Of course. And that's exactly why I've always counted myself blessed to wonder more: who my children are than how; where they will come from than when they will arrive. Still, the pain of waiting for them has been no less. I only hope that, while they are here, they will know life's longing and love.

Day 64 - #5

"Heaven and earth are not sentimental;
they regard all things as dispensable.
The sage isn't sentimental, either;
He views all forms ad ephemeral and transitional.

Tao is like a bellows:
empty, but inexhaustible.
The more you move it, the more it makes.
Too much talk about it evaporates your
understanding, though.

Simply stay at the center of the circle."

My boyfriend often wishes I would go with the flow more. Problem is, I've never felt like I was in it in the first place. You are, he insists. If you say so, I answer. And so our argument goes. Always fearful of trying to enter the flow--lest I be rejected somehow, I suppose--I see now that perhaps I was right just to let it happen around me; that way I wouldn't get too attached to anything. At the same time, "stay at the center of the circle," tells me, "Come on, be ready for anything. You can do it."

Day 63 - #50

"Between their births and their deaths,
three out of ten are attached to life,
three out of ten are attached to death,
three out of ten are just idly passing through.
Only one knows how to die and stay dead
and still go on living.

That one hasn't any ambitions,
hasn't any ideas, makes no plans.
From this mysterious place of not-knowing
and not doing he gives birth to whatever
is needed in the moment.
Because he is constantly filling his being
with nonbeing, he can travel the wilds
without worrying about tigers or wild
buffalo, or he can cross a battlefield
without armor or weapon.

No tiger can claw him.
No buffalo can gore him.
No weapon can pierce him.

Why is this so?
Because he has died, there isn't any more
room for death in him."

Throughout my life, I have fought my attachment to death. That much should be clear from everything I've written here already. How not to idle, how not to live for life alone, that is a question and a mystery. A friend of mine says that, rather than live each day as if it were your last, live as if you would for a hundred years.

I like that: Stamina. Endurance. I know mine comes from Jesus. I pray only that I don't use it to fight Him, too. The temptation is mighty, the confusion is great, but the truth triumphs over all.

Day 62 - #78

"Nothing under heaven is as
soft and yielding as water.
Yet for attacking the hard and strong,
nothing can compare with it.

The weak overcomes the strong.
The soft overcomes the hard.
Everyone knows this, but none
have the ability to practice it.

Therefore the sage says:
One who accepts the dung of the nation
becomes the master of soil and sustenance.
One who deals with the evils of the nation
becomes king under heaven.

True words seem paradoxical."

Somehow I've still never been able to reconcile the notion of free will with the acceptance of suffering. Perhaps that's why I was so relieved some weeks ago when I heard a homily about the call we have to alleviate suffering when-and-however we can. In my life I struggle with how to do that confidently. How do I know I won't make a mistake that will, instead, add to one's suffering? This is the infamous "trying to help." I do everything I can to help where it is needed, but I've learned to start by asking. When I hear, "no," or, indeed, nothing at all, it can be difficult to let go, but in doing so and moving on, I follow Him.

Day 61 - #57

"Govern a nation by following nature.
Fight a war with unexpected moves.
Win the world by letting go.

How do I know this? From seeing these:
The more prohibitions there are,
the poorer people become.
The more weapons there are,
the darker things become.
The more cunning and cleverness there is,
the crazier things become.
The more laws there are,
the greater the number of scoundrels.

Therefore the sage says:
I take no action,
and people transform themselves.
I love tranquility,
and people naturally do what is right.
I don't interfere,
and people prosper on their own.
I have no desires,
and people return to simplicity."

In my life, I have done a lot of things that people--including me--did not expect. No one thought I would travel halfway around the world, yet by the time I had got there, no one expected me to return, either. It got to the point where I no longer knew what to expect from myself. And so I tried to take an attitude not of expectation, but of discovery. "What happens next?" became, "What happens now?" It's been difficult with the change in thinking not to look to the past instead, but thence comes the letting go: "It is finished."

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.

Day 60 - #3

"When praise is lavished upon the famous,
the people contend and compete with one another.
When exotic goods are traded and treasured,
the compulsion to steal is felt.
When desires are constantly stimulated,
people become disturbed and confused.

Therefore, the wise person sets an example by
emptying her mind,
opening her heart,
relaxing her ambitions,
relinquishing her desires,
cultivating her character.
Having conquered her own cunning and cravings,
she can't be manipulated by anyone.

Do by not-doing.
Act with nonaction.
Allow order to arise of itself."

In choir at college we sang a song with the verse, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."  This and, "Wait Thou Only Upon God," formed an anthem for my younger years. Yet despite my willingness and natural patience, I never seemed to wait on my own behalf without some measure of resentment, fear, or shame. "Good things happen for others, not for me," I told myself as I stood by, watching. "That means I must be doing something wrong."

I've spun my wheels for years now trying to figure out what that something might be. I'm ready to stop now.

Day 59 - #62

"Tao is the hidden secret source of all life.
Good men recognize that Tao provides for them
and therefore they esteem it.
Bad men don't recognize this, but the Tao
doesn't stop providing for them.

Beautiful words win some men honors;
good deeds buy others acclaim.
But the Tao values everyone, not just
those who excel.
What's the sense in discarding anyone?

Thus, on the day a new king is crowned
or powerful ministers installed,
while others rush forward with gifts and praises,
just be still and offer Tao.

Why have sages prized Tao for so long?
Because with Tao, he who seeks finds,
and he who has flaws is forgiven.
This is why it is the treasure of the world."

I sometimes forget to give thanks in all circumstances. I'm so busy trying to listen for God, I forget that He can hear me, too. Thus comes the invitation: Just be still. He is waiting.

I will find Him, because He's looking for me, too. If I only can remember that, I will feel loved forever, and no matter what. I truly am grateful for everything, always.

Day 58 - #28

"To know the masculine and yet cleave to the
feminine is to be the womb for the world.
Being the womb for the world, never departing
from the eternal power of Tao,
you become as an infant once again: immortal.

To know the bright and yet hold to the dull
is to be the example for the world.
Being the example for the world, not deviating
from the everlasting power of Tao,
you return to the infinite once again:
limitless.

To know honor and yet keep to humility
is to be the valley for the world.
Being the valley for the world,
rich with the eternal power of Tao,
you return once again to simplicity,
like uncarved wood.

Allow Tao to carve you into a vessel for Tao.
Then you can serve the world without
mutilating it."

The one thing my losses have done is allowed me to let go. I have at times done so with great pain, but after a while I got used to the pain and the letting go got to be a habit. I let things go too quickly or too soon, at great injury to myself: so that instead of smoothing my vessel, I carved it full of scratches.

I began to hurt inside in a way I didn't understand. I didn't understand how, if time heals all wounds, I should still hurt so much each day. All I wanted was to let go of the pain, but instead I let go of other things that might have helped me heal. I stopped believing in sentimental value. I stopped hoping for the future. I began to expect, even to court, disappointment. I learned to sabotage myself, my life, and everything. Now I'm trying to stop, and I only pray I can and will before it's all too late. 

Day 57 - #46

"When the world practices Tao,
horses fertilize the fields.
When the world ignores Tao,
horses are bred for war.

There is no greater calamity than desire,
no greater curse than greed.
Know that enough is enough,
and you'll always have enough."

When I think of personal responsibility, I think of this, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."  How can I know the impact of each thing I do? And how do I know--truly--what affects me and what doesn't? Everything can touch us; I think it's just a matter of how or where we let it. I tell myself, "If you don't have anything to do, look for something. And if you don't know who needs you, then you aren't looking hard enough."

The most difficult part is knowing how to help without interfering; how to be of service without demanding or expecting service in return; how to share what I have without coveting what someone else has; how to understand without parsing or analyzing something to death. For goodness and mercy to follow me, I must follow them. I pray my every step will be a loosing of God's love.

Day 56 - #18

"When people lose sight of the Tao,
codes of morality and justice are created.
When cleverness and strategies are in use,
hypocrites are everywhere.

When families forego natural harmony,
parents become pious and children
become dutiful.
When the nation is reigned by darkness,
patriotic advisers abound."

When the darkness deepens, how do I find my way through? When I don't see the light, how do I follow it? Or how do I know it hasn't blinded me already, as if the good things were just too much and more than I deserved?

If my losses can set me free, then how can I know my freedom? Maybe the key is to stop looking and let it come.

Day 55 - #1

"Tao is beyond words
and beyond understanding.
Words may be used to speak of it,
but they cannot contain it.

Tao existed before words and names,
before heaven and earth,
before the ten thousand things.
It is the unlimited father and mother
of all limited things.

Therefore, to see beyond boundaries
to the subtle heart of things,
dispense with names,
with concepts,
with expectations and ambitions and differences.

Tao and its many manifestations
arise from the same source:
subtle wonder within mysterious darkness.

This is the beginning of all understanding."

The darkness tells me I am a horrible person, unfit for the treasures of life. Only the yearning for what lies beyond the darkness keeps me wondering at all. Can I penetrate the darkness to the core of myself, to the heart of God? What treasure I already have I hide even from myself. Lord, I pray, please tell me I was not meant to die in this shame, hurting. I will carry it all for as long as I must, but will it ever let me go?

Day 54 - #53

"Because I have a little wisdom,
I choose to walk the great path of Tao
and fear nothing except to stray from it.

The great way is very smooth and easy,
but some people are fond of getting sidetracked.

When a ruler's palace is full of treasure,
the people's fields are weedy and
their granaries are empty.
If the ruler wears fancy clothes and
his house is full of weapons,
if his table is laden with extravagant
food and drink and everywhere one
looks he has more wealth than
he can use, the ruler is a
robber and a thief.
This is not in keeping with Tao."

Poverty does not intimidate me. Perhaps this is because, although I've had my brushes with it, I've never felt its grind. Perhaps because of that, in turn, I've made a choice to live modestly and simply, not asking for the best of everything, but asking for enough. And being willing to wait to get it.

Not knowing what is enough is painful, and scary, especially when I feel I still have so much of life before me, but I trust enough to find out. I trust enough to hope for and dream of the best for me. It's what's kept me going all my life.

Day 53 - #61

"A great country is like low-lying land
into which many streams flow.
It draws powerful energies to it as a
receptive woman draws an eager man.

The feminine can always conquer the masculine
by yielding and taking the lower position.
In this way she becomes as low-lying land:
in time, everything comes her way.

Therefore a great country can win over a
small country by practicing humility.
A small country can also win over a great
country by practicing humility.
One wins by willingly taking the lower position.
The other wins by willingly acknowledging
its lower position.

The great country wants to embrace and
nourish more people.
The small country wants to ably serve
its benefactor.

Both accomplish their ends by yielding."

When I was in college, I went to hear the Catholic apologist Tim Staples speak about marriage. As I recall, the main subject of his talk was how often Ephesians 5 is misused in order to subjugate and abuse women.

Truly what it's about, he said, is each member of the couple having the other's best interest at heart. "When you argue with your spouse," he said, "you're speaking to the person God gave you to love. So it should sound something like this [on both sides]: 'Your will be done, dear.' 'No, honey, your will be done.' 'No, yours.' 'No, yours,' and so on."

His point was not that it should go on and on, world without end, amen; but that when you care so much about another person's well-being, you will do whatever it takes for that person to be healthy, happy, and loved.

It's been frightening for me to be asked to care so very much, though all I've ever wanted to do is give that kind of care. It's been frightening for me to leave myself open for that kind of care, when all my life I've had zero confidence in receiving it.

One human to another, it's hard to know what "best interest" there truly is. It's our challenge to find out together: With humility, with grace, with love and trust.

Day 52 - #25

"Something mysterious and perfect existed
before even heaven and earth were born.
Silent, immeasurable,
standing alone and unchanging,
moving without end of exhaustion,
it is the mother of the known and unknown
universe.
I don't know its name, so I call it by
an alias: Tao.
Forced to describe it, I only say, 'It is great.'

That which is great continues.
That which continues goes far.
That which goes far returns.

Therefore Tao is great,
heaven is great,
earth is great,
a person of Tao is great.
These are the four greatnesses in the universe.

A person of Tao follows earth.
Earth follows heaven.
Heaven follows Tao.
Tao follows its own nature."

In my life, I have continued. I have gone far. I have returned. I wouldn't dare to suggest that any of this makes me great; Indeed I struggle even to let God guide me as He wills.

I wonder sometimes what was in the mind of God when He created the world. It reminds me of a Turkish church service I attended once, where my friend Barbara sat by me and translated into my ear what the preacher was saying, "The God Who created the heavens and the earth is the same God Who loves you. Do realize that?"

"Do you realize that?" says my still, small voice.

"No," I say, "I am pathetic before my Lord and my God."

And yet I continue. I go far. I return again and again.

Pathetic I may be, but I know I will come to my reward in Him.

Day 51 - #72

"If people fear your power,
then you don't really have any.

Leave them alone in their homes.
Respect them in their lives,
and they won't grow weary of you.

The sage knows herself,
but doesn't dwell on herself;
Loves herself, but no more than
she loves everyone else.

She adopts the concerns of heaven
as her own."

I've only ever wanted to love people as best I can. In my efforts to do so I have, perhaps more often than not, given them too much power over me, or else demanded power of my own in a situation where my place was incidental. While I certainly believe that there are very few mere coincidences, I wouldn't want to construe God's will where it, in fact, wasn't. And so in each new situation I learn to tread carefully: to be thoughtful without calculating, to be tactful without manipulating. It's often harder than it might seem, but it has been the only way for me to go, and I will keep going.

Day 50 - #63

"Act by not acting,
accomplish by not straining,
understand by not knowing.
Regard the humble as exalted
and the exalted as humble.
Remedy injury with tranquil repair.

Meet the difficult while it is still easy;
cross the universe one step at a time.
Because the sage doesn't try anything too big,
she's able to accomplish big things.

Those who commit lightly seldom come through.
Those who think everything is easy
will find everything hard.
The sage understands that everything is difficult
and thus in the end has no difficulties."

Around the time I was leaving Frankfurt, I told a friend (who thought I was nuts for going to Istanbul): "I've never been one to do things the easy way." The path of least resistance is often tempting, never appealing. I sometimes feel like Satan's easy target, but it just makes me want to tell him, "You bring it, motherfucker!" Then I remember that at times I fight even God.

I fight for my life every day. Once death had come to touch it, I knew I'd have to fight with and for all--if anything--I am worth.

Day 49 - #52

"The origin and mother of everything
in the world is Tao.
Know the mother and you can know the children.
Having known the children, return to their
source and hold on to her.
Abiding by the mother, you are free from
danger, even when your body dies.

Don't live for your senses.
Close your mouth, close all the body's
openings, and reside in the original unity.
In this way you can pass your whole life
in peace and contentment.

Open your mouth, increase your activities,
start making distinctions between things,
and you'll toil forever without hope.

See the subtle and be illuminated.
Abide in gentleness and be strong.
Use your light, and return to insight.
Don't expose yourself to trouble.
This is following Tao."

Throughout my life, all I've wanted is something good to look forward to. I've had my hopes built up and dashed more times than I can count, but in the midst of it all, I've tried to stay focused on heavenly things, not only so that I could bring a bit of Heaven to others, if possible, but also so that perhaps there might be some taste of it for me on this side. It's what I've been starving for all my life, and it's taken all the courage and patience and hope I have to wait so long.

Day 48 - #17

"The best leader is one whose existence
is barely known.
Next best is one who is loved and praised.
Next is one who is feared.
Worst of all is a leader who is despised.

If you fail to trust people,
they won't turn out to be trustworthy.

Therefore, guide others by quietly relying on Tao.
Then, when the work is done, the people can say,
'We did this ourselves.'"

I know this is the kind of teacher I strive to be. I think most of my students misunderstand and misuse the respect I have for them. Perhaps they despise me because I actually don't try to teach them anything; I only can facilitate their learning. Maybe some people think it's the same thing, but I think of the latter as a discovery together; I tell my students, "I can't give you the answer, but I can help you find it." I treat them like they'd know already if only they'd persevere in the searching. Not all of them are willing to do that, or they think they've already found all they need, and so they resent me. That can be hard to get past, but every day that I work, I have a new opportunity.

I know this is the kind of parent I want to be, giving my child space to make mistakes: Giving him (or her) directions, not answers; options, not orders; responsibilities, not restrictions.

I think the reason I struggle with my faith in God is that I've always had so little faith in myself.

Day 47 - #76

"At birth a person is soft and yielding,
at death stiff and hard.
All beings, the grass, the trees:
alive, soft, and yielding;
dead, stiff, and hard.

Therefore the hard and inflexible
are friends of death.
The soft and yielding
are friends of life.

An unyielding army is destroyed.
An unbending tree breaks.

The hard must humble itself
or be otherwise humbled.
The soft will ultimately ascend."

The fundamental question of existence seems to be, "How can yielding to death give life?"

The corollary question is how not to be blindsided. And yet to anticipate loss has been the deepest wound in my soul. There is the saying, "Until you've found something worth dying for, you're not really living." But what I thought was worth dying for has continued to elude me. How I have continued to live when that for which my soul most longs continues to elude me, too--that is a mystery.

Through this writing, I struggle to get to the heart of it. I lay down my life on the page.

Day 46 - #4

"Tao is a whirling emptiness,
yet when used it cannot be exhausted.
Out of this mysterious well
flows everything in existence.

Blunting sharp edges,
Untangling knots,
Softening the glare,
Settling the dust,
It evolves us all and
makes the whole world one.

Something is there, hidden in the deep!
But I do not know whose child it is--
It came even before God."

To me there always has been something comforting about the notion of eternity; ever since I was in RCIA and I heard one of my instructors say, "God has no time," I've understood that that meant God would take all the time He needed to accomplish His plan for me.

Along the way, though, I have felt frustrated, disempowered, ashamed, isolated, ignored and hurt, as I've continued not to know or understand the struggles that go along with it. At times I've felt I must be worse than Judas himself for all that I've been through or all that I have caused others.

While I live, I suppose, I never will know in full what my purpose is, as often as I've prayed for a peaceful death. Until then, I pray also for the strength to face God in eternity, for all that I've done or left undone, said or left unsaid, loved or left unloved.

May He search my heart and supply what is wanting. May I search my soul and give to Him what is needed. As I search my life, may He know that all I look for is Him.