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"Don't call me a follower of Tao."

All I wish for this new year is to be a beacon of that peace which surpasses all understanding. May it defy every label and break through every limitation anyone tries to put on it, or on me in bringing it. 

Order

"Build your life brick upon brick.
Live a life of truth,
And you will look back on a life of truth.
Live a life of fantasy,
And you will look back on delusion."

As the year draws to a close on the calendar, it seems appropriate to think about the ordering of things. I know I always swear that whatever new time I enter will be better, neater, more organized, more purposeful and more meaningful than whatever has passed before. I just pray I can make it all so in a more real way than I ever have before, for I can't shake the feeling that this time, all of our lives will depend on it. 

Perfection

"The hero comes down from the mountain,
Radiant with the power.
Yet one tussle with a dusty old man
Quickly tumbles him into the dirt."

Perfection is a tough pursuit for a perfectionist like me. I think the thing to be perfected first is humility, and then perfectionism becomes moot. If I strive to be like God out of love, then the focus will be on love, and not on perfection itself. May it ever be so. 

Redemption

"I meditate daily before the altar,
Yet I am still covered with sin."

It seems this year has brought such loss and devastation to the world, yet for now I can still get up each morning, do my work and enjoy the moments I work for. If I keep doing that, challenge myself to do more, and stay grateful for it all, perhaps I truly can carefully avoid the occasions of sin. 

Depth

"Morning light illuminates the meditating wrestler.
In his mind, even a wooden temple is washed away.
Who could challenge an ocean's depth?"

How many of us ever truly get to know the fullness of who we are? I know that I feel I now have more of my life before me than I ever felt when I was younger. Maybe that's just because I know more of what I want now, or can see more possibilities. Does it really matter why? I hope, at this time which may prove to be of such danger to so many, that I can take it as proof of growth, and be grateful. 

Consistency

"Without too much trouble,
One can keep to the main road.
But people love to be distracted,
And perspective is difficult."

Perspective: As this turbulent year draws to a close, I find I have none. Last night, as I lay awake dreading certain things still to come, I tried to focus on the gratitude I have for everything that has come before. Perhaps a good goal for this year is just consistency: What I commit to, commit totally, in small steps. "Keep moving forward" is all that matters. 

Repetition

"My prayer beads are strung on my life span.
I am not allowed to skip a single bead:
Sometimes the bead is a seed. Or a bone.
Or jade. Or dry blood. Or semen. Or crystal.
Or rotted wood. Or a sage's relic. Or gold.
Or glass. Or a prism. Or iron. Or clay. Or an eye.
Or an egg. Or dung. Or a ball. Or a stone.
Or a peach. Or a bullet. Or a bubble.
Or lead. Or pure light.
No matter what the next bead is, I must count it,
Perform my daily austerities.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Until repetition becomes endurance."

No doubt many people look at us Catholics and our rosaries--what my nana said my great-great-grandfather, a Mason, would call devil beads--and say we are babbling like heathens. What they fail to understand is that in the tracking of our prayers this way, we have choices: To engage our minds, to engage our senses; To focus on the life of Christ and God's mysteries therein; To pray to God, along with Mary, for and to her Son; To illuminate the meanings of the words of the prayers, and their applications to my own life.

So far I am not so strict in a practice of daily disciplines, letting the seasons of my life dictate my involvement in prayer. As I face the uncertainties--and austerities--of the coming year, may I not fear to embrace as fully as possible the prayer life I have chosen as an expression to my God. It will be much needed--indeed, it already is--by me and by all! 

Prejudice

"No mother thinks her child ugly.
No one is indifferent to themselves."

I must confront prejudice and discrimination within myself before I can extend help and hope to others. It has been the most difficult part of my life, overcoming the hatred and derision of others based on flawed perceptions of identity. Whatever their basis, such untruths we project are an affront to God. Step by step, they must be transformed. 

Indifference

"For a true master,
Sitting on a throne
Is no different than
Sitting on dirt."

When I embrace God, I become who I truly am--who I was created by Him to be. This transcends all worldly perceptions, including my own. Getting comfortable with that transcendence is one of the greatest challenges of faith, I think. If there were ever a time to face it, that time is now. Here I am, Lord. 

Charlatans

"He sits on a throne with smug confidence.
Skin is bright gold, eyes are reptilian marbles.
Lips are smeared with honey, tongue is virile red.
He exhorts his followers to purge inhibitions.
'Whatever you feel is Tao, and should be indulged.'
They scream, they sob, they dance madly.
'Yes! Yes!' he exclaims. 'Whatever you do is Tao!'"

Sound familiar? When people under the influence of evil spar for power and control, we must remember Who is all, and Who is for all. 

Be

"Tao is within us; Tao surrounds us.
Part of it may be sensed,
And is called manifestation.
Part of it is unseen,
And is called void.

To be with Tao is harmony.
To separate from Tao is disaster.
To act with Tao, observe and follow.
To know Tao, be still and look within."

I think we can be sure that God is with us, if we but seek Him first. 

Nonduality

"Don't contemplate
As mere activity.
Be void contemplating void."

It is the most joyous thing to discover that "The spirit of God is within you." In Christianity we have the duality of Jesus as fully human and fully divine, and yet we also believe that there are three persons in the one God. Is it really any wonder that His nature should also take place in each of us, whom He created to be like his Son, through the power of the Spirit? 

Threshold

"Why mourn for a cocoon
After the butterfly has flown?"

People say we are seeing the death of American democracy, the end of our country. I think the fact is that what so many people think they recognize as "American" values have been either dead for a long time, or rotten at their core.  With this change, perhaps we get to transform them. It will be a long, painful, deathly process, but necessary and ultimately hopeful. 

Composure

"Although they may have to kill
Or suffer themselves to be killed,
A person of composure remains compassionate.
Nothing is ever destroyed,
Nothing is ever created.
All is infinity."

Having a people-centered job has taught me a lot about how to:



At the same time, I can't help wishing that I were more dispassionate, that my sense of detachment were healthier. It would be easier to accept injustice. But right now I'm not so sure it's supposed to be easier. It's all too easy to say, "Life isn't fair," and have done with it. I'm here to tell you I think life does not have to be unfair. I consider it my job to make life as fair as I possibly can--so, I refuse to stop caring. I will detach only when I see that I can do no more. I will stay calm only in my assuredness that I must continue to fight. 

Ownership

"A small boy drives
A hundred ducks to the lake
With a tasseled stick: A mass of excited white."

With all I do and feel, I must remember that ultimately God is in control. 

Runaway

"They call her useless
And yet push for achievement.
'I want a baby.'
They bicker between themselves,
And reproach her for being distant.
They dwell on money,
And indenture her to loyalty.
'I can't stand this every day.'
She is innocent.
They have ambitions."

Sometimes it is not even enough to keep pushing through devastation. Sometimes I have to stop. Yes, it makes me feel disloyal and useless, but how can I stay focused when I am exhausted? Sometimes to turn away from the demands of the world--even those I have imposed on myself--for a time, at least, can be a gift. It can be a sign of strength, and of longing to do right even when I don't have the energy on my own. 

Poetry

"Anything is subject for a poem:
A catalog of boxing equipment, a collage of other poems,
Serpentine trail of incense, raised deer fur, old shoes pointed pigeon-toed,
Glass and steel cityscape, almond eyes of a saint, weeping of tiny flowers,
Sunlight on whitewashed walls, blue shadows of stooped women,
A sprung mouse trap, a trickle of blood in the gutter,
The homing swoop of a gull, chill whitecapped bay, scent of eucalyptus.
Green lawn of broken blades, clods of fat earth,
Anything is subject for a poem.

Even in sleep, write a poem.
When waking, write a poem.
While loving, write a poem.
Even voting, write a poem.
When angry, write a poem.
While dreaming, write a poem."

"Even voting, write a poem." If I had a poem in me right now, I would write about that point of light in the future where we could look back at this dreadful time and see it as a step toward making our country stronger, better, more loving...more healed. This country needs to heal from the wounds of its past. There is no moving forward without that healing, once and for all.

Decline

"Fog chills heaven to gray,
Nights come earlier.
Everyone knows decline,
But few discern its border."

As events unfold around me (and within me) I ask myself how much worse things can get. I forget that the most important thing is to never mind that--to just keep contributing to the better part, and not to berate myself for only small steps taken in the right direction. 

Abundance

"Sun in heaven.
Abundance in great measure.
Supreme success
In the midst of impermanence."

Some people choose to say, "Why bother?" because of how quickly our lifetimes pass. I choose to act, for what may remain for others after I have gone. While I struggle to find the right action, I struggle, too, against the same impulse to give up. It's as present in me as in those who use it as their guide; the difference, perhaps, is my abundant striving. While I live, I cannot stop. Even at rest, my energy abounds. 

Immigrant

"Magic doesn't work in this new place.
Native poetry has lost rhythm and rhyme,
Familiar food is labeled a curiosity,
And hostile stares replace familial love.
To be an immigrant
Is to be solitary in the midst of millions."

I should imagine many of us are feeling solitary and lost at present, not understanding or realizing how far down our values and the "magic" they give us have sunk beneath a loam of greed, lust, selfishness, and pride. As human as anyone, I also struggle to come to grips with this, until I realize that that magic doesn't come down to us like lightning bolts from the old man in the sky; the magic is in us to do for each other, as long as we reach out to use it. 

Form

"At first, form is needed.
Then doubt and inhibition must be dispelled.
Eventually, form is celebrated with joy,
And expression becomes formless."

As a Catholic, I have always been drawn to formal prayers, because they give me structure and focus and a sense of wholeness or completeness in my approach to God. They allow me to part with a focus on myself, and adjust to the pursuit of higher things. At the same time, I recognize that my journey with and approach to Him will not truly be complete or whole until I feel comfortable to be before him in the fullness of my humanity. May the formal prayers I so love and depend on help me strengthen my confidence in my approach to Him every day. 

Absolute

"They say, 'You are god.'
But everyone is.
They say, 'All is god."
Then why are there differences?
They say, 'All is an illusion.'
But does that include god?"

Sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. Sometimes I think He is choosing what He wants to reveal to me; other times I think I'm only choosing what I want to see. Either way I feel trapped, yet still I persevere, because I believe in something higher and greater and better than us all, which will ultimately prevail. The best thing I can do is keep growing in my perception of that, so that with greater revelation comes greater freedom. Perhaps, after all, we are always choosing together. 

Variation

"Never jump out of the same hole twice."

Growing up, I was sure I did not have the right gifts, or any gifts at all. Meaning: I only ever felt blessed by my circumstances or things outside; I didn't understand that I could bring good things from within. Now I realize I have many gifts I still do not use. As I continue to strive to discover and use them all, I am grateful to have this space for a variety of expressions. 

Trap

"Age is covered with cosmetics,
Gray hidden with dye,
Confidence is sought in men,
Awareness deferred for the future.
She toils on her job,
Enduring tension and fatigue,
Subsisting on tranquilizers,
Pinning future hopes on her children."

All I have ever wanted is to do the right thing. Along the path to doing so it's almost impossible to avoid becoming ensnared and lose one's vision--not literally, but of the heart. As I do this blog, aspiring to other disciplines, too, as I move through these uncertain times, my grief and pain gradually subside and the eyes of my heart flutter open once again. May they stay clear. 

Essence

"When admiring a painting,
Don't examine the paint.
When meeting an artist,
Don't look at the brush."

To live another day is to strive to go beyond: What I thought before, what I have done until now, what I believe or grew up believing. Only when I have spent sufficient time in reflection will I be ready to step into the full flow of events and currents in life. I choose a path, and try to choose wisely, but I must always be ready to choose again, to choose more and better.

Evolution

"Organic molecules from cosmic clouds,
Millions of years in the midst of eternity.
We sprang from the primordial;
Our spirituality came in the evolution."

There is intricacy in this process, and complexity, but it doesn't have to be complicated. I think we complicate things ourselves sometimes with noisy thoughts, false dichotomies, and constant parsing. Acceptance is required for forward movement, which, when honored, takes care of itself, its own time and momentum. 

Scorn

"Why do you scorn others?
Can it be that you are that proud?
No matter how accomplished you are,
There are people ahead of you and behind you.
All beings on the path,
All victims of the same existence,
All with body, mind, and spirit.
No one is better than the next person.
Help others for all the times that you have been ignored.
Be kind to others, for all the times that you have been scorned."

While a minority of us might like to think of ourselves as victims, there is undoubtedly a particular set of shared challenges that go with the condition of being human. We certainly don't all experience all of them, or if we do, not all at the same time or in the same way; still, of what profit is it to be competitive and haughty?  The more readily we recognize and act upon what is honestly shared, the more humble we just might be. 

Clarity

"Can you see a sound?
Can you hear light?
Can you unite your senses?
Can you turn inward?"

I think I've reached a point of being willing to start again from zero, to build from the ground up, to give myself a second chance instead of always relying on Him to bail me out. I mean, I believe that perhaps He finally trusts me enough--because I finally trust Him enough--to let me do that. I've lost the baby at the beginning, perhaps the job at the end--so maybe this is the year of my great leveling. I always feel He is asking me to be ready to let go of everything. Sometimes, like now, that's the only thing that's clear, and this time I might actually have to do it, ready or not! 

Accomplishment

"The more you cultivate,
The more you accomplish.
Why doubt?
When distance separates you from others,
They cannot overtake you."

So often I find it difficult to pace myself through days where I am driven to do so much. I would like to stop pushing myself, and make more time for this and other practices which will allow me to center spiritually--not based on a need I have (although that definitely figures in, too,) but on a desire to be of loving service to all, so that the actions I do consistently match the prayers I raise. 

Invisibility

"Invisibility is the best advantage.
But if forced to a confrontation,
Come out with all your skill."

I am at a time at work where all my skills and knowledge as a teacher are being severely taxed. I feel tapped out, and like what I've done in the past is no longer working, while what I try to do instead is ineffective as well. At a time when I was failing in my personal life--i.e., not where I wanted to be--I would just pray to disappear. Now I'm starting to feel that professionally as well. I'm doing everything I know how to do to wade through it gracefully, so that I can be comfortable with both my presence in one place, and my absence from another. I pray for an openness and a willingness to transition, in a spirit of hope and peace, with gratitude. 

Unexpectant

"Meditate with no thought of gain.
Expect no ambitions to be fulfilled;
Only then will the inner force manifest."

I have written before about how overwhelming the love of God can be; a friend of mine recently shared her thoughts that even in the thick of our prayers we still withhold ourselves from Him in ways we barely understand. I think the trickiest part is to stop expecting God to do what we want, or to do what makes sense to us. I mean, He gave us reason, yet it seems we must transcend it to connect with Him. I am willing, but never ready. Hopeful, but always fearful. My lack of expectations can lead me to despair. When I have learned to thrill to the power of the unknown, I will be ready to meet it, and Him, at last. 

Appearances

"Some look fierce, but are mild.
Some seem timid, but are vicious.
Look beyond appearances;
Position yourself for the advantage."

Once I had learned to distinguish between judgement and perception, I began to learn better how to manage certain situations, especially interpersonal ones. Perceptions can change; judgements can be final, damaging, and even fatal. 

Choosing

"One side of a ridge is cold and foggy,
The other is hot and dry.
Just by choosing where you stand,
You alter your destiny."

There is nothing I can say now that will underscore this enough. Though we have yet to see solid consequences from the most recent choice in America, their potential is already being traumatically felt. I can choose to respond in love or in fear, but while the choice itself may be clear, the course of action often isn't. I pray for greater clarity with each passing moment, and for the trust I need to act in good conscience. I pray this now over every single person in our country, a place where, at least on paper, the protection of our rights and choices has no equal. Are we responsible enough to live that now to the full? 

Internalizing

"People think they don't have to learn,
Because there is so much information available.
But knowledge is more possessing than information.
Only the wise move fast enough."

Lately I've spent a lot of time wondering at how often and how much I've internalized the wrong things. Blatant falsehoods and inaccuracies about my personhood: as a woman, and as a disabled one at that. I struggle with the notion that it's too late to change some vital parts of my internal landscape, in order to embrace the many challenges I believe are still before me. With the new year fast approaching, and a world--and a country--that seems to need us all more than ever, the changes cannot come too soon. I'm grateful to have recognized the need for them, and may I maintain the strength to act upon them, always. 

Conservation

"Don't let a thread fall without noticing it.
Don't rake dry brown leaves carelessly.
Think how difficult it was
For something to take this existence."

I come back to this again and again, but having lost my baby I couldn't agree more with the above. I have learned that it is one thing to become pregnant, entirely another to stay that way. Life is such a morass of resilience and delicacy, tenderness and wrath. If each step of my life is a commitment to that life, shouldn't it be life for all? I must do everything I can to preserve life as it is lived around and within me, but there is so little I control. Perhaps that lack of control is the difficulty; I must trust in the conditions of the moment, and build on them, to sustain life as long as I can. 

Smothered

"It's daybreak and already
The prostitutes are on the street,
Addicts are searching the corners with a feral glint.
An obese woman, winded from a few steps,
Passes an anxious man scavenging a garbage can--
Jester to winos in a fiefdom of pigeons.
The summer sky is obscured with leaden clouds."

I do my best to remind myself that making mistakes, and recovering from them, are parts of a normal, human, even loving process. An author-speaker friend of mine says he hopes his work helps people find the freedom "to embrace who they've always been, and to love what they've always loved." I believe this is our only job as people: To love. To be loved. And to be love to and for other folks who haven't found this freedom yet. I wouldn't be able to do this job if I didn't learn, heal and grow. 

Mandala

"What did I do today?
I exercised. I said goodbye
To a departing friend.
I went to market, ate my meals.
Took a walk. Took out the garbage.
Read a little. Meditated. Slept.
This was my mandala."

I have always loved to observe people in the midst of simple tasks: Washing dishes, opening doors, greeting each other. I'd like to learn to take greater pleasure in how such tasks configure themselves in my life each day. I think I would feel less pressed by "the big issues" if I were more willing to pay greater attention to my own small contributions each day: what patterns they form themselves into, and how those patterns converge into the larger whole. 

Gratitude

"When you drink water,
Remember its source."

Two words today: Standing Rock.

Three actions always: Faith. Hope. Love.

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Searching

"Where is Tao right now?
You say that it is all around me, but I
Only see my surroundings, only feel my own heartbeat.
Can you show me Tao without reasoning it out of my mind?
Can you help me see it here and now?
Can you help me feel it as doubtlessly as I touch?
You argue that Tao is beyond the senses,
But how do I know it exists?
You say that Tao is beyond definitions,
Then how will I understand it?
It is hard enough understanding the economy, my relationships,
The bewilderment of world events, violence, crime,
Drug abuse, political repression, and war.
With all these things requiring years to fathom,
How can I understand something that is
Colorless, nameless, flavorless, intangible, and silent?
Show me Tao! Show me Tao!"

I think it is worth learning to be tireless but content in the search for God. The power is in the asking, in the looking, in the listening. If I fully engage my senses, I can transcend them. I can meet Him in the transcendence. 

Immediacy

"When washing your face, can you see your true self?
When urinating, can you remember true purity?
When eating, can you remember the cycles of all things?
When walking, can you feel the rotation of heaven?
When working, are you happy with what you do?
When speaking, are your words without guile?
When you shop, are you aware of your needs?
When you meet the suffering, do you help?
When confronted with death, are you unafraid and lucid?
When you meet with conflict, do you work toward harmony?
When with your family, do you express benevolence?
When raising children, are you tender but firm?
When facing problems, are you far-seeing and tenacious?
When you are finished with work, do you take time to rest?
When preparing to rest, do you know how to settle your mind?
When sleeping, do you slip into absolute void?"

My answer to all of these is, of course, not always. By the pursuit of my projects day by day, and my commitment to small, daily acts of resistance, I hope to edge nearer a true yes. I do well to remember that true conversion is not of a moment, but of a lifetime. 

Austerities

"Self-discipline leads to higher spiritual states
Only if practiced with understanding.
The clearer the goal,
The greater the result."

With understanding, there is no need to fear. It remind's me of Pascal's Wager, that if one acts for a year as if one has faith, then the gift of faith will be granted. Self-discipline is both the first step and the goal, as understanding develops alongside it. Without understanding, there would be no purpose, but without self-discipline there would be no growth. Both are needed to make wise choices. Perhaps the balance of the two is joy. 

Fields

"Worship by cultivating nine fields:
Diet. Herbs. Clothing. Recitation.
Movement. Mediation. Creativity. Teaching.
And most important: Compassion."

Slowly I am learning to trust myself enough to see my projects through to completion. I have always had very big ideas, and great hopes, but very little confidence. As I labor forward, things are coming into a finer balance. I want and continue to ask for so much more to do. I can only pray that it's right I should do so. 

Nonyielding

"When in the arena,
Yield not to an aggressor.
When outside the arena,
Affirm compassion."

Maybe this is just a fancy way of saying that old thing, pick your battles. No matter what is at stake, I do know that one can be firm without being harsh, matter-of-fact without being rude, strong without being stubborn. I have learned this from my convictions, which I need now more than ever. 

Victory

"Can you be both martial and spiritual?
Can you overcome your ultimate opponent?"

The most profound victory is that over the self: Call it self-mastery, call it beating your own personal best...I call it making myself available to serve others. The question, especially in these troubled times, is how best to serve them. It's easy to talk about love, easy to say the right words and align oneself with truly holy, righteous and pure ideals. But to fight for them...How far must I go? How far am I willing to? This is what I continue to demand of myself with each passing day, as I pray for corresponding strength. 

Caring

"Don't go out looking for good deeds to do,
But if one comes your way, do not refuse.
If you meet someone who is suffering,
You must help them."

At this time of wanting to take action, I have been on alert for contributions to make. I consider myself blessed that being watchful and attentive were enough to bring opportunities my way that will see me through the end of this year. As I look toward an uncertain future I can only increase my attention, and, in the words of one who inspires me, "Do not be held back by doubts or fears. Say 'yes' with courage and without reserve." 

Artist

"Facing blank paper
Is an artist's terror."

Through the many losses I have endured, the gifts He has given me stand strong. How else could I have kept going? At this time when it will take more courage than ever for people to continue creating together, I am grateful to be in a loving marriage and an ever-strengthening community. 

Point

"Make the mind
A single point."

In these challenging days, focus is essential. Yet time is needed to quiet the mind and find the center. Patience is paramount, and yet also the one thing for which one finds, frustratingly, that one has very little time. 

Flame

"Enter the cavern with its
Walls of tangled strands.
Find the living flame
That burns on blood."

What is it that makes us most alive? We all live and move and have our being, whether we acknowledge Him as the source or not. Yet what is the process or meaning of that divine spark, the one that led my godfather to say, "Whether it was a monkey or a pile of dirt, God breathed into it, and that's what made it special." In our longing to do the seemingly impossible, and change the seemingly inevitable, we are hardly alone, yet often overwhelmed. Tending our own internal fire is the most awesome responsibility, sharing it the most responsible choice. But with so many ways and possibilities to do both, which is the best? How can we possibly do it all, when we are lighted and burn here for such a finite time?

Site

"Desert: visions.
Tropics: possession.
Forests: alchemy.
Mountains: asceticism."

I've always loved what the Church teaches about charism: That different gifts are available from God to us in different places at different times according to how He calls us. Each place I go and person I meet there has something to teach or at least reveal to me. I'm so grateful for that, and pray for the openness to receive it all properly. 

Middle

"Those who attain the middle
Dominate the whole."

During this election cycle, I've caught myself in my leftist leanings griping about centrists. And yet, now more than ever, America needs to find the Middle Way, to still itself in the eye of this storm and remember that all things must pass. 

Flow

"If the boulders are moved,
Even a river will change its flow."

Those boulders are the racism, sexism, ableism, classism, bullying, bigotry...Everything out in full force in society now. Perhaps they are finally starting to move, instead of just to erode. Or perhaps the comparison to Sisyphus is finally becoming obsolete; perhaps conditions are painfully perfect for the river to change course once and for all. 

Axle

"The mind is in spinning wheels at the
Navel, heart, throat, head.
The connecting shaft is emptiness.
Without an unobstructed route,
Energy cannot flow."

Dreadful things happen in the world, and yet, Creation goes on and keeps growing, changing. I know God will make a way in the wilderness, and I want nothing more than to be available to follow Him, even to where I think I cannot ever go.

Force

"A sword is never sheathed
Until it has tasted blood.
A good swordsman
Is seldom seen with a sword."

Maybe this is the Taoist version of "Walk softly and carry a big stick." Of course, our current president-elect seems to have spent his entire campaign trying to convince us that his stick is actually big enough. Whatever the case, violence continues to rain down upon the most vulnerable people in the world. Will you use your sword for good or for ill? The life of everyone around you may depend on your choice. 

War

"Weapons are tools of ill omen
Wielded by the ignorant.
If their use is unavoidable,
The wise act with restraint.
The greatest sorrow is to be a veteran,
Witness to the atrocities of humanity."

I never knew who it was that said this: "I have not yet begun to fight."  With these results, it's a tough choice between that and "I will fight no more forever." Clearly, I chose the wrong time to live outside my country--how can I be here, when the majority apparently hate me and folks like me? In the face of that hate, if I give up I die, so in the words of a believer in a spiritual book I was reading recently, "What do you do when trials and tribulations come your way? Sister, it's time to tribulate!" If anyone needs me, I will be tribulating: "For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood; but against principalities and power, against the rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places." --Ephesians 6:12 

Childhood

"No. No. No.
This ruins a child."

Curiosity I had in abundance, but I always felt it was controlled. Individuality should have been stressed, but I'm a twin, and the disabled one, so my half of the mirror was cracked. Initiative was curtailed at every turn: "Don't stumble." "Don't embarrass yourself, or us." "Don't be disappointed, or a disappointment." I want to give my children the freedom and courage to try. I want to have enough humility to see clearly what my children can teach me. Though I must sometimes say no to what they do, I'll need the grace to say an unconditional yes to who they are. I pray for that chance, even as I continue to feel the universe withholding it from me. It's the "No" that will ruin me forever. 

Unfortunate

"An unfortunate one is a rootless ghost,
His walk a mad angel's gait.
Insolent steps of one thrown from heaven
To toil in red dust,
As if he had not had enough
In a thousand previous lifetimes.
Where is his heart? Where is his soul?
To call this heaven's will
Is a cheap answer."

I agree. To anyone who sees my or anyone else's disability or illness as a "physical evil," in the words of activist Darius Weems, "It's the buildings that are the problem, not my condition." In a society that's purpose-built to exclude us, we will always encounter misfortune of one kind, but another kind, and the real misfortune, really, is that so many do not see His beauty and purpose in our diversity. 

Cultivation

"Imagine a sculpture
You work on every day.
If you stop, the beauty
Will slowly go away."

Generally I'm not so disciplined in my spiritual practice. The thing is, I think there are different seasons for, and of, it all. I also am open to trying new things, growing new crops, letting some fields lie fallow and others turn anew. 

Diversity

"Gods have many faces,
But true divinity has no face."

I agree that there is no single face of the divine. Each creature on Earth was created to reflect a unique aspect of God's infinite mercy and love. Even such aspects are multifaceted, and even one who does not acknowledge the specific presence of God must wonder at the awesome glory that is life itself--how abundant, how mysterious, how fleeting. 

Worship

"You can worship gods,
But you cannot worship Tao."

Through this writing and my previous explorations, I have come to behold Tao as what some people say about the wind, regarding God: "You cannot see the wind, but you can feel its effects." God is God, but perhaps Tao is the medium--whatever form it may take--He uses to touch us at all times. I have learned that in His mercy he will and does use any means necessary. My gratitude for that brings me to my knees daily.  

Renunciation

"Wine's pleasure,
Love's intoxication,
Work's obsession,
Children's involvement,
Age's sorrow.
When will craving end?"

Giving until it hurts--this is the essence, perhaps the goal, of renunciation. Slowly, I am learning that the true pain is, in fact,  love and not asceticism. Perhaps a sacrifice made in love is requested, not demanded; perhaps there are no obligations, only motivations--and with motivations comes freedom.

Solstice

"When the true light appears,
The entire planet turns to face it."

I strive for awareness, a deep knowing, so that I can learn to appreciate the uniqueness of each moment. I depend on this searching openness to bring me toward the future, and help me crest the waves of my days. To revel in sensations of growing, and to bring the days of my life into unity and purpose with each other and with those in the lives of others--for these I pray as I wait for the revelation of things to come. 

Altar

"Each day I forge my body into steel
And fold in bright strands of consciousness.
Piling up ripe fruit and fragrant flowers,
Lighting red candles and incense,
Serving tea, rice, and wine.
Anointing with aromatic oils,
Offering heart and bones,
The altar is my anvil, sun and moon the coals,
Discipline the hammer, lungs the bellows."

I make a daily offering of myself. May the altar of my life be pleasing unto Him, and a pleasant gift to all around me. 

Shrine

"Wade the warm stream to
The shrine across the river of golden sound,
Where a drunken bee drones the holy syllable
Over a crimson lotus.
Rich mango magenta and spice offerings
Are piled high by the devout.
Entering into hut of blue stone--
Cool black interior smeared with incense and
Pierced with tiny triangles of candle flame--
Ordinary cares fall to the crystalline floor.
Fiery letters appear in the air
And reappear in your heart."

I see it as part of my calling to make everywhere I go better for having borne my presence, and to leave every place better than I found it. So what if that makes me sound like a Girl Scout? I learn more and more that holiness is simple; rituals for their own sake make it complicated, but rituals for His purpose help me focus and streamline. As I place my trust in Him, he places me where I need to be to make my life, and myself, holy in His name. In many ways, I'm at a point of starting over now. I'm grateful to be able to pick up my tools and move forward, making a way for Him to be in me, so that I become the holy place. 

Armor

"Ripe fruit, crisp greens, live grain,
Vital roots, tender meat, spring water.
Growing essence nourishes your own.
Essence alloyed with breath makes you flexible but hard.
The sage's body is armored.
The sage is impervious to death."

In life I try to be honest and humble, standing always ready to give up everything at any moment for the sake of the One who made me. And yet at a time where my job leaves me feeling empty and uninspired, and my childlessness makes me feel I am missing out on the best part of being human, I fail continually to protect myself from the travails that shouldn't break me. I ask Him to still my flailing confusion, and to help me direct the experience of my pain toward being His best servant, doing His will and growing in it toward my final transformation. 

Sage

"Ancient sages lived in forests and
Wandered from village to village,
Sharing openly, teaching the people
Without profit or ownership."

I push myself very far and hard because I want to learn. Still, there is always something just beyond my grasp. I know there is wisdom in the striving, but now I am trying to cultivate the wisdom to rest. 

Meditation

"Sit still and disengage normal activities.
Draw energy from the earth,
Admit power from the heavens.
Fertilize the seed within;
Let it sprout into a flower of pure light.
And let brightness open the top of your head:
Divine light will come pouring in:
Your mind is empty,
Light seeps into your whole body.
Sitting cross-legged, with hands clasped,
As if trying to embrace the brilliant flood,
Your skin turns transparent.
How can a bag of skin hold divine magnitude?
Your last vestiges burn away in a torrent of infinity.

Only after indeterminate time do you return.
Flesh, blood, bone.
Were you gone? Or were you never here in the first place?
Where is the torrent?
It is not gone;
You've only closed to it once more."

"Were you never here in the first place?" That's the question I want to ask my baby. I hate that I am not a mother, not so anyone can see. So I have to live my life, and live the death of my child, closed. No amount of praying or mediation can ever bring it--whoever he or she would have been--back to me. I always ask myself, what else can I do? There is nothing that will ever be enough. At least I can still pour out my heart, and be grateful that He will listen even if I don't hear an answer. 

Totality

"Those who consider their path superior are condescending.
A parrot who speaks of the totality of the self is absurd.
Many paths lead to the summit,
But it takes a whole body to get there."

Along the path of my faith life, I have been seen as both humble and self-righteous, God-centered and self-centered, wise and foolish. What I have always been, from my own point of view, at least, is fearful and ashamed, but willing to learn. So much of that learning has been learning to let go. This is most of what we hear in popular spirituality these days, too, but I've recently been reflecting that the most important thing to let go of is holding my own sin as so unutterably unforgivable by God; that's not only ridiculously prideful, but also just plain ridiculous. His mercy is to all, and for all, who totally and completely ask. Even me!

Master

"Deception occurs when you are divided,
Truth appears when you are whole.
Uniting male and female brings illumination,
The real master is a perfect light."

I try so hard to keep the politics off of here, and out of my life in general, discussion-wise, but today's thoughts on Tao and the Bible verse today just put me too much in mind of what's happening in America at the moment. Lincoln called it, and I would like to see my country fall. I want to see America accept a mantle of humility, and make a genuine effort to address and redress the wrongs of its history, and of its present. I have a home here because of genocide and slavery and greed. I do everything I know now to do so that the life I lead in that home perpetuates none of those. There is so much more I need to learn. I call upon the Master to help me. 

Censorship

"Emperors uphold censorship,
But extreme repression leads to extreme reaction.
Individualists believe in freedom,
But extreme expression leads to extreme reaction."

I find I can do no good work without humility. This requires an inner quiet and willing slowness that I seldom, if ever, master. While I've always been long on patience, I usually spare more for others than for myself. This leads to my own frustration, and holding myself up against the impossible, which is no doubt the fruit of my pride and nothing else. Fortunately I have learned to be thoughtful if not always deliberate, I want not to censor myself, but only to back up what I say and do with an abundance of integrity. If I speak or act out of turn, my integrity is but an afterthought. Instead, may it go before me always, in all I say and do. 

Navigation

"Do you know
Where you are
On your journey?"

What I know is that I'm finally somewhere I want to be. For now, that is enough. It's best to trust the unfolding with the enfolding. 

Accessibility

"As long as the sun rises
And your heart beats,
Tao is at hand."

I waste a lot of time feeling cut off from God. I pray always to transcend those feelings and understand God's availability to me in all circumstances. Slowly, I am learning to be consistent and unafraid. 

Truth

"There are three levels of truth:
Experiencing, reasoning, and knowing.
All other assertions should be rejected."

I think it's important to remind myself that seeking and seeing are not the same. I always want to experience, believe, understand and know the truth, but I think most of the time I am too distracted and overwhelmed to do any of these. This blog is but a small step toward changing that. May I always stay aware and willing in my pursuit of truth. 

Superstition

"The voices of ghosts are so familiar,
They whisper to me every day.
You, so young and rich,
Make assumptions with absolute assurance.

I vacillate between superstition and tradition.
You don't need to question."

Sometimes I think this is all I've got, but then I remember the man I fell in love with, how he "waited in the wings" of my life for years. I think of how a stranger saved my life as I was getting off the bus in Istanbul, about to be dragged down the street when the door closed on my arm. I think of--no, almost seem to have memories--of how my twin and I shared our mother's womb, and have shared so much else since then. I am grateful for the ways God humbles me for His purpose. As tough sometimes as it is to see the good in it all, I will never give in or forsake Him, no matter how close I may have come before. 

Writer

"She withdrew into herself,
First writing just for one,
Then touching thousands.
She incarnated ghosts, hurt, and joy
Into paper-and-ink stories of wonder."

My motivation for writing has always been that someone else may read it. While I may hesitate with the "meat" of my material, or the chance to share the best there is, it's because I want to be truly ready. I am very hopeful that the story of my life will be worth writing all the way through. I am plagued by doubts daily, and moment by moment, but I keep going--first for myself, and then to share with others. 

Dying

"Leaden blankets weigh her down,
White hanks drape her leathery face.
Caught in the numbness of narrowing time,
Eyes blinded by gauze,
Robotic sighs echo into her coma.
Metallic hiss of breathing machine is the
Strange violence of modern compassion."

Some years ago, I would have been the first to tell you this, but now all of the deaths I have experienced, most recently my baby's, have got me just plain curious. I partly just take comfort in the scientific view of energy change, but there is a certain peace now, one which comes with a wonder that, in turn, overtakes the fear. I am beginning to understand that, just as I should be ready to meet my God, He will be ready to meet me, too. 

Optimal

"If you are best in the morning,
Cultivate Tao in the morning.
If you are best in the evening,
Cultivate Tao in the evening."

Having grown up with the charge to, "Always do your best," it was a slow and painful revelation to me that one's circumstances do not always match one's efforts. In an effort in turn to mitigate those disappointments, I feel I am always searching for the optimal time to get things done--eating, working, praying, even sleeping. At a time when, despite lingering disappointment and pain, my life truly is better than it ever has been, I finally find myself with the resources not only to search for, but finally to find, my best. Recently I got a fortune cookie which, when I opened it, read: The best years of your life are ahead of you. As silly as the source may sound, for once--just once--I was willing to believe it. I still hope for it enough to keep searching, and perchance, at last, to find and embrace the best. 

Inseparable

"The trunk is hollow,
But the branches live.
The void is fundamental,
But the ten thousand things are diverse.
Therefore, wanderers free themselves from cares
And follow Tao in great delight."

The Church teaches that life goes in cycles of desolation and consolation. I suppose this is similar to void and life, in that all of us are, at least ultimately, destined to experience both. With this understanding, I see that they are indeed inseparable, if I try to separate myself from one, I struggle. If I instead accept both, I can not only end my struggle but also be free to love. Perhaps love is what unites them, making both possible and even necessary in this world where division is a constant threat. 

Enjoyment

"Sleek sky of cobalt blue;
Water like nectar satisfies deeply.
Air sweeter than the best perfume;
Sunlight warms a grateful cat."

Once the losses in my life had begun, I struggled to enjoy myself. It's gotten so bad that now the struggle is the norm, rather than either the enjoyment or the loss. I'm like a trapped animal that only ensnares itself further as it tries to find its way out. In my case, though, I seem to have forgotten where exactly the trap came from, knowing only that it must still be here because I am still struggling. Would that I felt my own strength, rather than that of the trap to hold me. Would that I saw my own flexibility, rather than flailing blindly. I pray for deliverance, yet shy away from the hand of my Deliverer. Would that I could thank Him for waiting so patiently for me to be still. 

Sheaths

"Outside is form,
Inside is thought.
Deepest is the soul."

As I continue to strive for that which is deepest, I often fight the urge to run and hide. Beleaguered by memories of moments and actions that have brought me shame, I can only pray this is God's way of stripping me bare, casting off old ways and allowing me to make new ones. This, so that I shall no longer behave in an unworthy way, but know myself, and Him, fully. 

Blame

"Though others have faults,
Concentrate on your own."

In teaching, especially, I always try to remember to start with myself. When I do, I learn that teaching actually takes more humility than anything: "Let me show you what I know, so you can learn it even better than I did." I don't want my students to be like me, I want them to go beyond me. I want to work together with them to be vulnerable enough to build a body of knowledge together. Individual responsibility is important, but if I waste time drawing lines in the sand and splitting hairs, no work gets done as I shift the focus off of what I'm supposed to be doing. Let me not blame, but encourage:

Sleep

"Sleep is like a swift train
Plunging into long black tunnels,
Slicing day with red and black light.
No worry about the skeleton engineer.
Head to pillow is like head to track,
Listening to the rumble of destiny,
Knowing that the opening will come.
In sleep, as in the tunnels,
The sound seems ever closer."

I acknowledge that sleep is precious; would that I valued it even more! At moments I long for it as many do, yet night after night I fear to surrender, over something I might have forgotten in the day, or some thought of the future torturing me. I'd like to see that to sleep is to free myself, and that the giving up is in order to receive. By letting go, I can do more than let God; I can let God in. 

Actual

"The actual
Is only actual
In one place
And one time."

It seems a life of faith is a fine balance between living in the present and waiting for a revelation. I am grateful for every moment I have to work on--and toward--His plans for me.

Mercy

"Uphold precepts, but be merciful.
Gradually absorb, until there is no need for law.
Gain wisdom beyond right and wrong."

I strive every day to fulfill God's call in my life. Gradually and painfully I am unlearning the blaming of Him for the forces holding me back. At times when I feel that this is more than just me getting in my own way, I call the most strongly on His mercy, indeed. I pray now to grow in the confidence of receiving it, both now and on the last day. 

Pivoting

"Some days, you and I go mad.
Our bellies get stuffed full,
Hearts break, minds snap.
We can't go on the old way so
We change. Our lives pivot,
Forming a mysterious geometry."

A friend wrote in her Facebook status today, "If I were to die tomorrow, I would die knowing I had loved fully."  I don't know if I could say the same. I know I said something similar, but opposite, to my husband not long after we had met, once we had declared our love for each other: "If I had to leave this world tomorrow, I would leave knowing that I was loved." At that moment, that was enough. Yet now, not being able to fulfill my friend's statement is the closest I feel I will ever come to being able to express how not having children (yet) makes me feel. To live a life empty of this love is a tragedy for me. As I continue to wait, I never know whether to grow bolder or more humble about asking for my great commission. I am ready anytime for the change it will bring. 

Translation

"Place the word Tao
Into your heart.
Use no other words."

Since I was introduced to the idea of centering prayer, I've tried to keep many of my own prayers as simple yet as focused as possible at all times. Still, what I like so much about Catholic tradition is the richness of so many different manifestations of God's love. So it must be that God is apart from us, yet also dwells inside us. It's a challenge to discover what will best lead me to encountering Him without as well as within. 

Subservience

"Out-of-season rain
Dashes crowns of princely trees.
Perplexed travelers ask for reasons,
Huddling under worn eaves."

I often feel so late to the party on so many things. I have fallen short so often in my waiting and faithful hoping, that I tell myself I don't deserve any reward. Yet such a thing, when it comes, will not be refused. And though the world may not understand or welcome its timing, I know it will be needed and so very desired when it comes. Until then, and ever after, I wait, hope and pray in the service of all, however imperfectly. I may be tempted to fret and ask why, but I persevere. 

Insignificance

"Spasms of molten rock
Piled a cone three miles high.
Rain and wind split a hundred towering fingers.
In time, trees strove for leverage in the fissures.
After a million years, condors and snakes took up residence.

Mighty rock, carved walls adorned with
Chartreuse and vermilion lichen--
Man yet more puny on those stones.
How long will it take to see Tao?
Until you no longer hold self-importance."

It is a challenge to keep hold of one's convictions as well as one's humility. Perhaps an important part of "not taking things personally" is not making them personal, either. One can be true to one's purpose without being selfish, self-centered or--especially--self-indulgent. Something that has helped me grow in self-worth without succumbing to a negative feeling of insignificance is letting go: saying simply yes, no, or--the most painful yet the most necessary of all--goodbye. 

Views

"Red sea through pine lattice.
Islands kneel like vassals before headlands.
Rain clouds snag on coastal ridges.
Yarrow stands spectral in the lighthouse beam."

For all that it sounds obvious to say that one's view depends on one's perspective, it's also easy to forget that often those terms are related directly with seeing. I often wonder what it would take to abolish completely ableist and other insidious turns of phrase. For now I settle on grouping view, perspective, "Oh, I see," etc. with the notion of understanding. This is accessible to everyone, or should be; all deserve to establish a view based on their experiences and their growth from them. As the Psalm says, "The earth is the Lord's and the fulness thereof..." We all have a place in that fullness, and a chance even to add to it by sharing our views. 

Latent

"Prophets and priests teach the form of Tao.
Tao's essence cannot be taught.
It is latent,
And cannot be known by learning."

My faith is an inner, unquenchable urging that tells me "Forward, forward!" even when I fight. I can't explain it, or argue with it; I can only follow. Perhaps this is how I came to the Tao. C.S. Lewis apparently wrote on, among other things, how it came to perfection in Christ. If "going with the flow" is submitting to His will, and acting within that flow is doing as He would, then perhaps that's all that is needed. Though I am but a sinful woman, I request His guidance and presence, always. 

Intuition

"Hawk doesn't think during the hunt.
It does not care for theory or ethics.
All that it does is natural."

In my faith as in my everyday life, I do the best I can to maintain my willingness to enter the mystery. Slowly I surrender my need to understand everything, and instead embrace the need to experience it all. 

Leisure

"Bird chirp, vanguard for coming rain,
Dog bark skitters through twilight village.
Smoke raises a column through the pines,
Contented families dine in golden windows."

I often find that just when I feel well-rested comes the moment when I have to turn back around and go to work. Still other things that, perhaps, should be restful, feel for all the world like work. I do the best I can to be self-aware and intentional with my time, at the very least to pace myself through any feelings of overwhelm, but still many things escape me day to day. It's popular as well as easy to say, "Find something you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life," but I have yet to experience that. I have done many kinds of work I enjoy, yet they all carry their own stresses. Perhaps a key is balance, so that nothing--work, rest, or play--is neglected or forgotten. 

Wrinkles

"Lines on the face, tattoos of aging.
Life is proved upon the body
Like needle-jabs from a blind machine."

As I continue in my skin care quest, I'm sure people assume that it's because I want to look a certain way, or that, having rounded the point of no return 35 seems to bring to the lives of so many women, I insist on trying to stay young. As I've tried to show in other parts of this blog, it's neither. It's only because I know that, particularly as a disabled person, life is proved upon my body in countless ways, yet assumed in still innumerable others. When I miscarried, indeed, it was as if life itself were trying to hurt me.

At a gardening meet-up today, a friend expressed that in the space where we were, "the body is the boss." I take that now to mean that the body needs to be validated in its response to what life tosses its way. The body is our medium for everything; therefore the changes it incurs and absorbs should come as no shock or ugliness to anyone, but rather as the natural consequence of living, which should not be fought, but celebrated.

After my miscarriage, I went to see a midwife who talked about the extreme taboo, that there is no process, procedure, or rite to mark a woman's experience of this. I remain proud of the fact that once I had considered this I went home and, after my own private fashion, I made one. I am grateful for the seed of hope God took a moment to plant in my womb.  It gives me courage to face, and embody, the future. 

Dissent

"Old man: Dissent is not disloyalty.
Be careful before you retaliate.
Your steel wrapped in cotton
May only be brittle bone wrapped in fat."

It's true I don't like the ableist metaphors in this passage, but there is a challenge not to resort to them when it seems like so many have forgotten or laid aside their own integrity in the pursuit of whatever comes next in this election season. It's strange to me how people seem to undervalue, if not outright fear, clear and authentic voices. Dissent is the beginning of freedom, and freedom, like joy, is deserved by all. I owe it to myself and to everyone around me to speak the truth as I understand it, whatever the cost. 

Marriage

"Wall of flames, bridge of tears.
Snowflake on newly forged links."

As much as marriage is a gift and a blessing, the consummation of a relationship, it is also a beginning. Every day is a chance to do something new and good for my husband. It seems only natural that we should yearn for a future that is more than we are. Since my miscarriage I always feel hesitant and afraid to think of family, of something more than what I have right now. I tell myself it must be some great sin to be discontented, even a little bit, in passing day to day. Yet if the goal were only to maintain the status quo, where would be the joy? It can be a step toward God to want more, and so I think I'll forge some links out of my fear, and cross a bridge of tears of joy. 

Scholasticism

"Ocean inside a skull-cap,
Seeking the universal code in letters.
The mind is like a flower on icy water.
An eye within the petals."

As I've always suspected, the intellect of the mind is but a starting point. Some distinctions are helpful, but not all. I think spiritual seeking invites us past these distinctions to see how they all ultimately flow together. This is the closest I've come yet to being able to describe Tao. Perhaps even this is not necessary, like trying to distinguish the thing itself from one's experience of it. The intellect gives us a measure of objectivity, but by our humanity, that remains so small. Once when I was co-teaching a confirmation class at my old church, the main facilitator asked the confirmands how they imagined God. What one boy said will stay in my mind forever: "I think God is a crazy little kid with a science project." It made me laugh at the time, and it still does. It may sound scary, but to me, it is comforting. I've found myself feeling that I'd rather be a subject of His work than a mere object of His plan. 

Vulnerabilities

"A warrior takes every person as an adversary.
He sees all their vulnerable points,
And trains to eliminate his own.
A sage has no vulnerable points."

I was thinking earlier of how it seems to me that any fear, when confronted with honest and genuine curiosity, can be lessened. When Lou Reed died, Laurie Anderson said, his eyes were full of wonder. I learned from that: If I'm scared, but asking questions, then that is good. If I stop for further fear of the consequences, how can I become strong? Yet here is this paradox for a disabled person. Yes, I am strong. But the weakness the world sees, for me, is no weakness at all. From it I draw my strength, having gotten curious about how my body is and what it does that is different. I embrace it beyond a dichotomy of good and evil, strong and weak, beautiful or ugly. I always wonder, what more? What further aspects are beyond what's with me now? Where there is growth in wonder and curiosity, fear cannot stay.

Judgment

"The accused stands helpless before the judge.
Pen is poised to determine right from wrong.
In one arbitrary stroke,
Life is decided."

Doesn't judgment always come down to who has the power? And how that power is used? If I could take but one moment to withhold a passing judgmental thought, a fleeting word of condemnation, how much more power would be mine neither to possess nor to use, but to share. In my teaching, in my relationships, may nothing be arbitrary, but everything be generous and purposeful, helpful and life-affirming. 

Visions

"Neither drug-induced
Nor self-induced visions:
Pierce all visions,
To see the void."

This was the Gospel today at Mass. This was the song that came immediately to my mind. Then I thought of how often I long for, yet fear whatever is coming next. I pray that as I work harder to put on the mind of Christ, such visions will not torment me and I can lay my discontents to rest. 

Relaxation

"Relaxation
Is total peace."

How often this feeling, this experience, is totally inaccessible. I cry out to the Lord for rest, and cherish this rare gift. In the early days after my conversion it was a real grace to be able to put words to the kind of torturous, negative thoughts that had plagued me throughout my life: Once I knew that this was mental anguish, I could separate myself from it, and if not silence it, then at least move away to lower the volume and get a little perspective, however difficult that still may be to maintain. I think I fully realize that God is in control only when I'm willing to consciously and actively hand it over, requesting an audience with the Prince of Peace one moment at a time. 

Cooper

"Barrel maker planes staves to exact angles.
His shavings glow in the afternoon sun.
He joins fragrant wood together,
Fitting shoulders like building an arch.
Until the bands, there is no barrel."

I often marvel at the many ways humans have of integrating their experiences, how many tools and resources there are to do so. I feel that I see so many in my students and in the many other people I meet throughout my days. May we each realize that none of us can exist without the others, yet we were each created for a specific purpose. How we fulfill them is up to each of us, yet we must serve each other. 

Recognition

"Spokes on the heavenly wheel
Keep rotation constant."

I have been in almost physical pain since I read this earlier this evening. When something hits so close to home, it's uncomfortable--at least until I realize that what I'm experiencing is the profound recognition of a vulnerability I share with so many others. Many times, this is positive...other times, it haunts me. Moving through the world differently is often exhilarating, but usually terrifying. I welcome its uniqueness and do my best to remember that nothing stays the same forever. 

Meaning

"Lightning tears temple asunder.
Divine wrath, or natural disaster?"

While meaning and purpose might not be mutually exclusive, I am learning that there is an important distinction to be made between the two. In purpose, I can be self-directed/self-directing and discerning; in meaning, I seem to discover something outside. Therefore, it also seems important not to ascribe a meaning that may short-circuit or undermine the purpose I discern. I just might be on the brink of putting a lifetime of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors behind me for good. I truly praise and thank God for this insight. 

Struggle

"Life acquires meaning
When we face the conflict
Between our desires
And reality."

Ah, I am no stranger to this one. I continue to face the conflict daily. I refuse to struggle against it any more, and I pray that in my acceptance, it (and I) may be transformed. 

Uncertainty

"Kicking a pebble by the side of the road,
Watching it tumble pell-mell.
Chance and randomness become order."

I think I've been persevering in faith long enough to recognize that that whole, "Everything happens for a reason," schtick is bull crap. There is a purpose to God's plan for us, sure, but I think that the whole hope and point of Christ is that we are justified by our faith, not by our suffering. If I can recognize that He accompanies me independent of what happens to me, inviting me to Him through those things--yet not because of them, which is important--I can persevere in what is right, not fearing the consequences to me personally. While suffering may be necessary and inevitable for growth, it is not an end in itself. I am not God's object, but His instrument. Though the conductor leads me, it is I who must play. 

Limits

"Every river has its banks,
Every ocean has its shores."

I struggle to realize that the limitations I experience are only ever of the moment; the topography of my life may change at any given time. Being ready for that keeps me humble, yet full of wonder.

Concealment

"Hide what you know.
Conceal talent.
Shield your light.
Bide your time."

In my day-to-day affairs, I do my best neither to seek attention, nor to deflect it. I try not only to pick my battles, but also my moments, so that I can do and give and be my best at any given time. Sometimes--even perhaps usually--I fail. I have learned not to despair, for such results give me the chance to pull back and reflect before I try anew. 

Metaphor

"Spirituality is
Applied poetry.
Metaphysics is
Applied metaphor."

Einstein is supposed to have said that imagination is more important than knowledge. He also is credited with reminding us that there are two ways to live our lives: either as if everything is a miracle, or as if nothing is. My faith is but a daily choice in favor of each of the things he clearly favors. I will not exhaust myself trying to prove--to myself or anyone else--the truth of such realms. No human person or body of people has a monopoly on that. I can only make headway, then leave a legacy. As long as I am honest and sincere, I can learn, and invite others to learn with me. 

Resolve

"Banish uncertainty.
Affirm strength.
Hold resolve.
Expect death."

Amidst the shame and toil of this world, it's all to easy to vacillate and, ultimately, surrender. People remind me that we were all created, each of us, for a special purpose, but I struggle to maintain that in my sights as I go forth into the cares of each day, the terror of the unknown. People are also fond of saying, "Everything happens for a reason," but whether or not that's the case, the idea that all of our struggles are a part of something greater is not to be ignored. As to the purpose of that greater thing, as my mother is fond of saying, "In time, all will be revealed." For now, the will to keep moving forward is everything.  

Defiance

"Every god can be defied.
No choice, no devotion."

I have never been more defiant than I was here. While I may at times be full of sound and fury signifying nothing, I'd like to think God is patient with my tirades, my passion and uncertainty. Perhaps He also pushes me back, putting difficulties in my path to help me defy myself. While I always hope that my choices lead me closer to Him, I also view certain missteps (in retrospect) as necessary, a sign of growth. Most of all, I want Him to know I'm not giving up. I'm never giving up. I will fight forward until I see His face in glory. 

Center

"From a bud, only a promise.
Then a gentle opening:
Rich blooming, bursting fragrance,
The fulfillment of the center."

How frustrating and unfortunate to me is the concept of milestones. Yes, we are on this earth for finite period of time each. Yes, we are social animals who usually feel compelled to group ourselves. And so it's not surprising that when one stands out in any way, one becomes suspect, even in a supposedly individualistic culture. How much gentler I would have learned to be--even, nay, especially with myself--had I learned earlier to focus on and be open to those experiences which are uniquely mine. How much more quickly I would have learned that it's not only unnecessary but also undesirable always to follow the group. As I have stood out for my different body and my atrophied brain, I now stand out for my belated entry into married life and my struggle into that stigma of stigmas (stigmata?): "advanced maternal age." I understand now that how I feel and how I experience my own life are the only things at stake in the fulfillment of it. May I continue only to let go of that shame, horror, and ugliness that intrude from outside. 

Validity

"A river new--
Ancient words unneeded.
See, touch, rushing beauty,
Drink crystal flow."

I've learned that I do not fear the absolute; what sets me on edge or reeling into worry and confusion is vacillation, the unwillingness to commit, the fear of conviction or the hesitancy to act. When I see these in myself, I set a challenge, not unlike the the one I've undertaken here. I seem to find such challenges more and more as I move forward in my life. I do my best to invite them, even as the one I hope for most of all continues to elude me. 

Sanctuary

"Golden light skims azure bay,
Dense air heavy with laurel.
Windless dusk smears to night,
Sonorous pool in a sheltered grove."

The Gospel at Mass this evening was the parable of the lost sheep, or of the woman and her marriage coins. The point of the homily was that even more often than we are encouraged to seek God, God is seeking us--not in return, but first. He created us to be in His presence and serve Him. As often as I ask Him to be with me throughout my day, I surely don't do enough to actively and specifically place myself in His presence. There are always new dimensions to a daily spiritual practice, and if I look at them the right way, I don't fall short; I become more open. 

Openness

"Nothing is meant to be.
There is no predestination."

I was once told, "Beware all absolute statements," and the above seems a good example of that. Yet how refreshing to think that things so often can and do change in an instant--that any situation, having seemed inevitably one way before, can turn out so completely differently. The obvious example for me to draw on here is my longtime singleness itself, but there are many others less marked: my financial struggles, or more private, carnal ones. Change may happen slowly, but happen, it does, no matter how hard I work to resist. Once I let go of the idea that things must be a certain way no matter what, I am free. 

Resources

"Use a mirror in difficult times:
You will see both cause and resolution."

I sometimes think I take ownership and responsibility to a fault. It's ironic that by letting go a little, I can gain better self-control, but this is the thing: There are so many platitudes about picking battles, enough on one's plate, or or a line in the sand that it can be incredibly difficult to see how sometimes, one's relationship to another must be considered. As highly as individual responsibility and choice are valued in America, the impact of individual folks' collective and interrelated action cannot be ignored. Scarcity--whether of money, time, manpower, or anything else--is only a myth that gives us permission not to share. Not sharing limits one's choices of how, or if, to respond to any given situation. Limitations bind, rather than facilitating letting go. Letting go can end some relationships, but it can also begin others. If I start with myself but allow the focus to shift, I can consider others more carefully, understanding that there is always interplay, give and take, energy exchanged. For better or for worse, what shifts is never the same again. I must guard my energy with care, applying myself as matters unfold and challenges present themselves. Sometimes these are not to be sought, but met with abundant deliberation. Understanding what's at stake requires the deepest self-reflection.  Recognizing that it's not all about--or not all on--me is the beginning of liberation. 

Guidance

"Worship with your conscience,
Receive grace with humility.
Guide with awareness,
Lead with modesty."

On a show I was watching with my husband tonight, a family around the dinner table attempted a discussion of the nature of faith. These days it's considered such a personal thing that such discussions are seldom ventured in any arena. As a result, I think we all lose. What if, instead, we all had the willingness and availability, the vulnerability to be frank in these matters? How many things could we change for the better? What could we do for each other, if only we could truly invite each other in? 

Attraction

"Peacock iridescence in veridical shadows,
Violet blooms spread to noonday sun.
The world's beauty is a swirl of color,
But in the flower's center is bright stillness."

I have learned to be thoughtful in my approach to things and people that interest me. It's rather like what the Dalai Lama has said, here.  And finally having attracted a partner in this life, I understand the value and importance of being protected and cared for. I no longer run as great a risk of being used; I no longer find it as easy to slide back into self-destructive patterns and behaviors I tended toward and even relied on when I was single. Now when I find myself pulled in a certain direction, I look within to discern the purpose. I have learned to find the signs within myself, rather than searching desperately outside. 

Fulfillment

"Accomplish your visions.
Persevere in your ambitions.
Only then can you negate
Visions and ambitions."

It's often easy to set these, themselves; not so easy is the setting of objective steps to follow in order to achieve them. I know I was always encouraged to set my sights on bigger things, without a lot of practical advice along the way. I learned to see more barriers than possibilities, until focusing on my goals became a process of narrowing down rather than expanding. Slowly I'm learning to grow again, and realizing that I have a lot to offer in terms of the practicalities I have learned on my own. I am grateful. 

Dominance

"Sun shines in the center of the sky.
All things turn their faces toward the light."

I view fear of the Lord as a vast humility. What else could give me the courage to take Him by the hand when needed? 

Faith

"In spite of knowing,
Yet still believing.
Though no god above,
Yet god within."

I think it matters not where God is, but who God is. Also of little consequence is what God does. Rather, what God means makes a difference to all of us. We hardly all have to agree, as long as we work toward understanding. 

Acceptance

"Drought burns basins to dust,
Light rain is a dew of mockery.
Receive without complaint,
Work with fate."

I have learned that the key to understanding acceptance is being willing to temper my anger and frustration with action. With right action, there are no limits. Sometimes, it seems, life doesn't give us a whole lot of time or space to learn, but with each new day of a challenge accepted, perhaps it will be enough after all. 

Nonanticipation

"Put forth your effort
With no thought of gain."

Recently I was trying to explain to a friend my "trying but not trying" approach to having a family. At her prompting, I admitted that, yes, it may be partly influenced by the same old trying to protect myself from disappointment that I felt I had to do the whole time I was single and thinking a family would be beyond me always. At the same time, I view it as what my church teaches about being "open to life," and wanting that life and my family to be in tune with God's plan, not mine. I've had a long road to learn this, and waited a long time to enjoy the happiness I have now. I'm blessed with this new means and course of action to add to it, but I take nothing for granted; I only take steps in a worthy effort.  

Tradition

"Tradition was once function,
But today there is no tradition.
Where is there a true path?"

When I was growing up there's nothing I longed for more than a chance to fulfill and continue those things I saw as traditions in my family, whether centered around holidays, birthdays, vacations, or everyday life. As I've weathered the dramatic, and often traumatic, changes in my family life since then, I've learned and tried to embrace the courage of establishing new traditions, unique to my marriage and the family we hope to bring up together; for things done in a spirit of tradition will be remembered, and the spirit of tradition imparts values. From values come wisdom, and from wisdom: strength, faith, hope and love. I'm so grateful for them all. 

Invocation

"Invocation becomes declaration;
Worship becomes recognition.
When blessings mature,
One glimpses the source."

I have learned that to rely solely on outward signs can be dangerous. One of the most valuable things I took away from the counseling I endured is that something outwardly suggested must sit well with me before I can rightly take it in and act upon it. It's taken me years to learn that just as important as the call from God is the response with which He endows me. Discovering and offering that dialog has been the greatest challenge of my life, but recognizing both sides has helped me grow in confidence.  I know now that in every situation, there must be an answer and an affirmation within me about how or if to respond. Not every response is necessary, or ordained by God, and so I listen. 

Fundamentals

"After completion
Come new beginnings.
To gain strength,
Renew the root."

I'm trying to learn to seek what is essential. Whether that's an approach to work or relationships or material things, I continually pare down, then--thoughtfully--build back up. I'm learning to move at an appropriate pace in doing so, and in a direction I trust is right. As a thinking, creative being, I also reserve the right to change direction when I discover something new and indispensable. 

Numbers

"One gives birth to two, two gives birth to three,
Three gives birth to the ten thousand.
One hundred and eight counts make one cycle,
Constant turning creates all things."

I have not learned enough yet to know exactly why there is a whole book of the Bible titled after these, and my relationship with the world of numbers has always been tenuous; numerical and spatial relationships seem lost somewhere in the damaged recesses of my brain. But as signifiers, as signs, they help me: To remember things, to pace myself. As I expand my life to include a book idea of my own and another potential new venture, or two, I'm learning to trust them more freely, to understand them more clearly, to work with them more confidently.  They, too, are part of creation and creativity.

Withdrawal

"Activity is essential, but exhausting,
And its importance is only on the surface.
Withdraw into Tao at the end of the day.
Returning is renewal."

I read an article recently about how productivity as the world defines it is hardly all. And yet, as I prepare myself to begin another week, I find myself ready to succumb to the pressures of doing everything. I do my best to invite His protection and care for me in every situation, and ask His help in making that available for others as He calls. I grow so easily overwhelmed and discouraged. I ask Him to lift me and keep me by His side.