Day 45 - #58

"When the government is dull and sleepy,
people are wholesome and good.
When the government is sharp and exacting,
people are cunning and mean.

Good rests on bad.
Bad hides within good.
Who knows where the turning point is?

Whether government or person,
if you aren't tranquil and honest,
the normal flips to the abnormal,
the auspicious reverts to the bizarre,
and your bewilderment lasts for a long time.

Therefore the sage does what is right
without acting righteous,
points without piercing,
straightens without straining,
enlightens without dazzling."

I've often wondered how to do the right thing with true humility. I wonder if it has to do with the assumption--one way or the other--that one will be rewarded for having done the right thing. That the right thing often seems distasteful or difficult--in a worldly context--would seem to lead one to say, "Well, virtue is its own reward."

But is it? If I do the right thing for the satisfaction of having done it, then what kind of humility is that? If I do the right thing for the satisfaction of others--I mean as my gift to them--is that not truer? But then how much it hurts when one's gift seems unwanted. Therein lies the distinction between humility and humiliation. And what good is the latter, turning pain and shame into degradation of the worst kind?

Perhaps the problem is that what I want to give has not been mine to give all along. But how can I be wrong about what I feel so strongly inside me, after, and, it seems, almost in spite of, everything?

This is why I wait. This is why I hope. This is why I continue to strive to do the right thing, even when I'm not sure how I can do it, or for whom.

Day 44 - #45

"The greatest perfection seems imperfect,
yet its usefulness is endless.
The greatest fullness seems empty,
yet its usefulness is inexhaustible.

Great straightness seems flexible.
Great skill looks clumsy.
Great eloquence sounds awkward.

Movement triumphs over cold.
Stillness triumphs over heat.
Clarity and tranquility set the
whole world in order."

All my life I have struggled with my sense of self-worth. Yet through it all I have clung to a self-image of who I could be in triumph: Not triumph over others, but over this unmitigated sense of pain and shame and fear and loss and loneliness that has plagued me my whole life. With my faith in God I haven't been looking as much for a way out as for a way up. I pray now, as ever, for the clarity and tranquility to ascend.

Day 43 - #67

"Everyone under heaven says that my Tao
is great, but inconceivable.
It is its very greatness that makes
it inconceivable!
If it could be conceived of,
how small it would be!

I have three treasures to hold and protect:
The first is motherly love.
The second is economy.
The third is daring not to be first in the world.

With motherly love one can be courageous.
With economy one can be expansive.
With humility one can lead.

To be courageous without motherly love,
To be expansive without practicing economy,
To go to the front without humility--
this is courting death.

Venture with love and you win the battle.
Defend with love and you are invulnerable.
Heaven's secret is motherly love."

To know this secret, yet to be trapped outside of it, is the greatest pain and torture my soul ever has known. I pray only not to stay trapped outside of it forever.

The hope of finding my way out of the trap and into such love has been almost enough to sustain me. At times I almost can see my way out and I ask myself, "What more is needed? What more can I even hope to deserve?"

Why am I trapped here? When will I be free?

I pray and pray. Will that ever be enough?

Day 42 - #2

"When people find one thing beautiful,
another consequently becomes ugly.
When one man is held up as good,
another is judged deficient.

Similarly, being and nonbeing balance each other;
difficult and easy define each other;
long and short illustrate each other;
high and low rest upon one another;
voice and song meld into harmony;
what is to come follows upon what has been.

The wise person acts without effort
and teaches by quiet example.
He accepts things as they come,
creates without possessing,
nourishes without demanding,
accomplishes without taking credit.

Because he constantly forgets himself,
he is never forgotten."

I ask God every day to help me walk in His ways. Every day something gets in my way. The challenge is not to become distracted and overwhelmed by my own judgement, or lack thereof. How can I discern His blessings without confusion and discouragement? I have failed Him so often, I feel I deserve nothing. Yet to hope for nothing seems against Him also. I love Him; I know that much. To do so even when I feel like a horrible failure is to persevere. May I die persevering, rather than live fearing.

Day 41 - #30

"Those who wish to use Tao to influence others
don't rely on force or weapons or
military strategies.
Force rebounds.
Weapons turn on their wielders.
Battles are inevitably followed by famines.

Just do what needs to be done, and then stop.
Attain your purpose, but don't press
your advantage.
Be resolute, but don't boast.
Succeed, but don't crow.
Accomplish, but don't overpower.

Overdoing things invites decay,
and this is against Tao.
Whatever is against Tao soon ceases to be."

Before, I mentioned being busy. I see now that in its own way even this is against Tao. But my efforts to share my heart have been rejected again and again, so I've been forced to find things to fill my life and give me a sense of purpose.

All that action in my life has come to nothing, and so now I strive for non-action, although even in such striving I exhaust myself.

Day 40 - #11

"Thirty spokes meet at a hollowed-out hub;
the wheel won't work without its hole.
A vessel is moulded from solid clay;
its inner emptiness makes it useful.
To make a room, you have to cut doors and windows;
without openings, a place isn't livable.

To make use of what is here,
you must make use of what is not."

Throughout my life, I've tried to understand how to make use of the losses I experienced starting at such a young age. Still mystified much of the time, I always bristle when I hear, "God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."

"So what am I being equipped for?" I want to ask Him. "More losses?" By the end I will have so many holes punched in me as to render me useless. If I'm supposed to be a hub, I haven't found my wheel yet, my balance in the midst of chaos.

From my losses I have learned to look to the future with dread instead of hope. Slowly, painfully, I am doing everything I can to change that, but I fear it will be too little, too late.

I'm very good at grieving, after all. It's an odd thing to know how to do, but at least I understand it, almost like an old friend.

I suppose I will know when it's time to move on. Can I ever be ready for a new friend, a new life, a new balance?

Day 39 - #47

"Without going out the door,
you can know the world.
Without looking out the window,
you can see heaven.

The farther you travel, the less you know.
Thus the wise person knows without traveling,
understands without seeing,
accomplishes without acting."

People often ask me why I didn't travel more when I was living in Frankfurt. For one thing, I was busy. I usually worked six days a week. I had friends and church and language classes. Plus, I was just genuinely curious about how and why I had ended up in this particular place at this particular time. I wrote a lot; I reflected; I prayed; I dreamed.

People often ask me why I didn't get involved in more things when I was in college. After all, I was smart, I was sociable, I was fun; I was not without talent. But I was busy. I had classes and choir and friends and church. I was pursuing a time-consuming major. Plus, I was just genuinely curious--hopeful and fearful--about what my future would hold. I wrote a lot; I reflected; I prayed; I dreamed.

Somehow it doesn't surprise me that I have ended up pursuing Tao in this way; almost without knowing it, I always have sought to quiet myself and calm my activities in order to find my way.

Day 38 - #9

"Filling to fullness is not as good
as stopping at the right moment.
Oversharpening a blade causes its edge
to be lost.
Line your home with treasures and you
won't be able to defend it.

Amass possessions,
establish positions,
display your pride:
Soon enough disaster drives you to your knees.

This is the way of heaven:
do your work, then quietly step back."

And let God do the rest, I suppose. If only it weren't so easy to give up hope in the midst of all the sorrow in this world.

I have tried to learn to roar back at my shame, to disallow my sorrows to get the better of my life when I should be facing the future with hope and confidence. I believe I am humble enough in heart and circumstance to understand that to live life is to tow the fine line in between, to stay the course even--and especially--when you can't see what's in front of you.

My struggle is that sometimes, I don't want to know, so I don't enjoy finding out, though I would like to.

Where I fail in hope now, may I succeed in acceptance later. May I learn to hope in the acceptance, and may I accept the hope as it comes.

I will take any miracle that comes my way. I've only ever wanted for so long to be part of the miracle of giving. As it is I would not have known how to ask for the miracle of two lives coming together. God forgive me my ingratitude and help my unbelief if I refuse to see the possibilities therein. May my heart bloom to life in His will, in His miracle.

Day 37 - #48

"In the pursuit of learning,
every day something is added.
In the pursuit of Tao,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less is done, until
one arrives at nonaction.
When nothing is done,
nothing is left undone.

The world is won by letting things
take their own course.
If you still have ambitions,
it's out of your reach."

For me, a family never has been an ambition, never something to round out my life or complete a picture or fulfill a, "Where will you be in five years?" type deal. My husband, my children, form this well of joy and sorrow deep within myself, as if I could just wait long enough and they'd come through, be here, not by my command or demand but by God's grace alone. Maybe that's why I've felt for so long like I never could hope to deserve them or any of it.

So I stopped thinking about it, until I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get honest with myself--that I felt like A Moon for the Misbegotten, "There is no present or future-only the past, happening over and over again-now."

There is a story about Socrates, that he would dunk and hold his students underwater until they fought him so hard that he would bring them back up again and say, "There, you see? When you want knowledge as badly as you want to breathe, then you can learn."

For me it's not about knowledge, but about living, breathing, believing: There's got to be more than just an empty well.

I've been underwater for so long. When will I break the surface and be free?

Day 36 - #74

"If people don't love life,
they won't fear death,
and threatening them with it won't work.

If people have lives worth living,
then the threat of death is meaningful,
and they'll do what it right to avoid it.

But killing itself should be the province of the
great executioner alone.
Trying to take his place and kill
is like cutting wood in the place
of the master carpenter:
The odds are you'll hurt your own hand."

Trying to deny this desire I have is killing me. Trying to grieve it is only causing me greater envy and despair. I have to trust that God wants more for me than this. I've tried so hard to let Him choose, and I only want to let Him keep doing that. By His Word we are to be open to life, but how difficult it is to understand all of what that means! I only can make an effort as life unfolds each moment. And I have to trust that each moment is new, and refreshing. Each new moment restores me to Him in His love. I have to believe He wants to give me life.

I once wrote, "Dear life, dear sweet life, at least once let me give the gift of you."

I still want three kids. I know now I will be very lucky--blessed, I suppose I ought to say--if I get to have even one. I wouldn't let myself dream of it for so long. Now I'm almost afraid to.

It's a hope too great to internalize; I only can share it with the one I love. The best I can do is face my fears, and I will do no less.

Day 35 - #20

"Be done with knowing and your worries
will disappear.
How much difference is there between yes and no?
How much distinction between good and evil?
Fearing what others fear, admiring
what they admire--
nonsense.

Conventional people are jolly and reckless,
feasting on worldly things and carrying
on as though every day were the
beginning of spring.
I alone remain uncommitted, like an
infant who hasn't yet smiled:
lost, quietly drifting, unattached
to ideas and places and things.

Conventional people hoard more than they need,
but I possess nothing at all,
know nothing at all,
understand nothing at all.
They are bright; I am dark.
They are sharp; I am dull.
Like the sea, I am calm and indifferent.
Like the wind, I have no particular direction.

Everyone else takes his place and does his job;
I alone remain wild and natural and free.
I am different from others: my sustenance
comes directly from the Mother."

The worst thing about grief is that it made me want to give up. But I have to remember, "he who loses his life will save it," and so I have done my best to surrender.

The problem with me is, I won't go down without a fight. Maybe that's the difference between giving up and giving in: "Give to God what is God's." After all this time, I still don't know where to draw the line. I guess that's why I struggle to accept the love I am given, even though all I want is to love in return. I've fought all my life for the freedom to do that, and I just don't know when to stop fighting.

If I don't have to die yet, at least I can rest. Jesus, help me to rest in You.

Day 34 - #37

"Eternal Tao doesn't do anything,
yet it leaves nothing undone.
If you abide by it, everything
in existence will transform itself.

When, in the process of self-transformation,
desires are aroused, calm them with
nameless simplicity.
When desires are dissolved in the primal presence,
peace and harmony naturally occur,
and the world orders itself."

Despite my Catholicism, despite my attraction to the Rosary and other such ritualistic, repetitive prayers, I am not and never have been what you might call a pious woman. I've always feared going through the motions, as if I could follow some agenda in order to get into Heaven.

Perhaps knowing all along how heavily my heart's desire would weigh on me, as soon as ever I'd learned it I loved the story of Hannah from the Old Testament. Yet somehow I've always been too ashamed of myself to follow her example. Instead I've tried pouring out my heart to God in stillness, hoping sincerity can do for me what piety cannot, if only because I feel I have failed at the latter.

I know God will find a way to use my failure, if only because I'm not Hannah; I'm me.

Day 33 - #15

"A sage is subtle, intuitive,
penetrating, profound.
His depths are mysterious and unfathomable.
The best one can do is describe his appearance:

The sage is as alert as a person crossing
a winter stream;
as circumspect as a person with neighbors
on all four sides;
as respectful as a thoughtful guest;
as yielding as melting ice;
as simple as uncarved wood;
as open as a valley;
as chaotic as a muddy torrent.

Why 'chaotic as a muddy torrent'?
Because clarity is learned by being
patient in the presence of chaos.
Tolerating disarray, remaining at rest,
gradually one learns to allow muddy water
to settle and proper responses to
reveal themselves.

Those who aspire to Tao don't long
for fulfillment.
They selflessly allow the Tao to
use and deplete them;
They calmly allow the Tao to
renew and complete them."

I have learned my patience. My problem is that in the midst of the muddy torrent, I still fight. I panic through the fire; I panic through the storm. In my fear not to hear I lose the still, small voice.

The quiet still seems too good to be true. Instead of inviting renewal, I fight the process leading to it. I fight, I fight, and I am the only one who dies.

I hope--that phantom!--I still hope it's not too late to live again. How can I live if I continue to fight and die?

Day 32 - #73

"Those who are courageous out of daring
are killed.
Those who are courageous out of love
survive.
The first is harmful, the second beneficial.

Heaven prohibits some things,
but who knows the reason?
Not even the sage knows the answer to this.

This is the way of heaven:
It doesn't contend, but easily overcomes.
It doesn't speak, but always responds.
It can't be summoned, but comes of
its own volition.
Utterly without haste, it plans for everything.

The net of heaven is vast.
Though its meshes are wide,
nothing slips through."

I'll never forget one May when my godmother said to me, "Happy Mothers' Day, even though you are not a mother."

I did not have the courage to speak aloud what every fiber of my being wanted to scream back, "Yet!"

Since then I have resigned myself to a life of quiet (fearful hopeful shameful doubtful) waiting.

If ever I had learned to trust myself, I would have felt the net of heaven under me the whole time. Now I understand how I have clawed for it, knowing nothing because I didn't want to see; now I almost can't bear to look. It feels too full, like I will break through by my own fault and shame and doubt.

That's where this pain comes from--not accepting and sharing the gift within me.

Day 31 - #42

"Nonbeing gives birth to the oneness.
The oneness gives birth to yin and yang.
Yin and yang give birth to heaven, earth,
and beings.
Heaven, earth, and beings give birth to
everything in existence.

Therefore everything in existence carries
within it both yin and yang, and attains
its harmony by blending together
these two vital breaths.

Ordinary people hate nothing more than to be
powerless, small, and unworthy.
Yet this is how superior people
describe themselves.
Gain is loss.
Loss is gain.

I repeat what others have said.
The strong and violent don't die natural deaths.
This is the very essence of my teaching."

How many of our wounds are self-inflicted?

When I tell myself a bad story about what happened, what happens, or especially, what might happen, I offend and upset the oneness within me. I block the vital breaths that meet to give me life. I block the life-giving breath of another.

This, indeed, is violence.

Day 30 - #60

"Governing a large country is like
cooking a small fish.
If it's done in accordance with Tao,
nothing bad will happen.

Guide the world with Tao,
and evil won't be a problem.
Not that it won't be around,
but it won't find an opening.
When it can't find an opening,
it can't harm anyone.

The sage doesn't harm anyone, either.
When there's no harm on this side,
no harm on that,
goodness flows back and forth like water."

To bathe in the waters of goodness every day--surely this must be part of what is meant by the Psalm, "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life." But there must be something to bringing the goodness in and letting it stay. How to do both and keep doing it is a mystery to me. Sometimes when I try I feel as if I must be an insult to goodness itself.

Day 29 - #77

"The way of heaven is like the bending
of a bow.
What is high up gets pulled down.
What is low down gets pulled up.

Heaven takes from what has too much and
gives to what doesn't have enough.
Man is different:
he takes from those who have too little
and gives to those who have too much.

Who has a genuine abundance to give to the world?
Only a person of Tao.

He acts without expectation,
accomplishes without taking credit,
and has no desire to display his merit."

Trying to understand the way of Heaven on Earth's terms is like trying to put the ship in the bottle after the glass has been blown.

Who has too much and who has too little is not for people on Earth to see. You cannot often tell just by looking at people what or how much they have suffered.

Day 28 - #79

"In the reconciling or resentments,
ill will often lingers.
What's the good in that?

The person who is truly good concerns
herself always with what she owes others,
never with what they owe her.

The Tao of heaven is impartial.
If you perpetuate it, it perpetuates you."

I would like to get to a place where I don't owe anybody anything, least of all an explanation for living the way I live, and have lived.

Day 27 - #16

"Work toward emptiness and openness.
Cultivate stillness.
Breathe harmony.
Become tranquility.
As the ten thousand things rise and fall,
rise and fall,
just witness their return to the root.

Everything that flourishes dissolves
again into the source.
To dissolve back into the source is to find peace.
To find peace is to recover your true nature.
To recover your nature is to know the
constancy of Tao.
To know the constancy of Tao is insight.

Insight opens your mind.
An open mind leads to an open heart.
Openheartedness leads to justice.
Justice is an expression of divinity.
Divinity is oneness with Tao.
Oneness with Tao is freedom from harm,
indescribable pleasure, eternal life."

As open as I try to be, I remain convinced that if this longing I have were meant to be fulfilled, it would have been already. I remain convinced that since it hasn't been, I must not deserve it after all.

These are the voices I try to quiet in this pursuit of life. Until I do so, they remain real and deadly, and I remain trapped.

I'm grateful that at least God has not abandoned me in my struggle. I seldom feel that I'm not alone, otherwise. That hurts. I just hope all the pain will be worth something in the end.

I'm sure the freedom from it will be worth it all. That's why I keep going. That alone must be it. Otherwise I would ask death to overwhelm me now, but how would that set me truly free?

Day 26 - #40

"Returning to the root is the movement of Tao.
Quietness is how it functions.

The ten thousand things are born of being.
Being is born of non-being."

In quiet stillness I find the essence of myself. Still I fear to dwell in it, for I wonder how long it will stay. I face the not knowing. Can I master fear as well as hope? Can I move forward despite them and let them serve me, rather than serve them myself?

In the quest for freedom, identity must be fluid. This is the only way to grow.

Day 25 - #21

"The greatest virtue is to follow Tao,
and only Tao.
You might say, 'But Tao is illusive!
Evasive! Mysterious! Dark!
How can one follow that?'

By following this:
Out of silent subtle mystery emerge images.
These images coalesce into forms.
Within each form is contained the seed
and essence of life.
Thus do all things emerge and expand out
of darkness and emptiness.

Because its essence is real and evident
in the origins of all things,
the name of the Tao has survived
since the beginning of time.
How can I know the circumstances of the
origins of all things?
Exactly by this phenomenon."

Why do I believe this? What I believe about God, I mean.

My beloved recently described Jesus as, "a man who lived." Live, He did--and He died--for that thing we all want, and covet too hard; crave, but can't seem to keep; expect, but don't know how to give in return.

Love--that which only another person who lives can show us.

Day 24 - #44

"Which is more precious, fame or health?
Which is more valuable, health or wealth?
Which is more harmful, winning or losing?

The more excessive your love,
the greater your suffering.
The larger your hoard,
the heavier your losses.

Knowing what is enough is freedom.
Knowing when to stop is safety.
Practice these, and you'll endure."

I always listen for signs of what is enough. It's hard to do so without always wanting more. I trust God in turn to listen to the longing and do with it what He will. I hope also He will reveal to me the essence of it. How else can I stop hurting myself? Over and over I hear, "God does not do violence," and yet, over and over also, "Suffering is necessary for salvation." Is there a fine balance between the two?

Day 23 - #54

"Plant yourself firmly in the Tao and
you won't ever be uprooted.
Embrace Tao firmly and you won't ever
be separated from it.
Your children will thrive,
and your children's children.

Cultivate goodness in your self,
and goodness will be genuine.
Cultivate it in your family,
and goodness will flourish.
Cultivate it in your community,
and goodness will grow and multiply.
Cultivate it in your country,
and goodness will be abundant.
Cultivate it in the world,
and goodness will be everywhere.

How do I know the world works like this?
By watching."

How I wish I could see the "butterfly effect," that ripple, as on water, of actions--of all our actions--that everybody talks about. Then I would be thoroughly convinced all the time that all my dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, choices, movements, expressions…have not been and will not be in vain.

Day 22 - #10

"Can you marry your spirit and body to
the oneness and never depart from it?
Can you ride your breath until your entire
being is as supple as the body of an infant?
Can you cleanse your inner vision until you
see heaven in every direction?
Can you love people and govern them without
conniving and manipulating?
Can you bear heaven's children in all that
you do and are?
Can you give the wisdom of your heart precedence
over the learning of your head?

Giving birth,
nourishing life,
shaping things without possessing them,
serving without expectation of reward,
leading without dominating:
These are the profound virtues of nature,
and of nature's best beings."

All my life I have done my best to hope and believe despite unspeakable loss. I used to think death followed me like some acrid wind that made me unapproachable, unlovable, and unwanted, even by God. I was superstitious about my losses; I saw them only in a fateful, repeating pattern that seemed to curse me.

My faith rushed in when I thought I could grow beyond them, let go of the losses as I'd let go of the lives that meant so much.

All I've ever wanted are to give birth, nourish life, and lead by quiet example. Why have I been allowed to dream of my children all this time? May they have a place on Earth as in Heaven. For if not, where do I go?

Day 21 - #19

"Give up religiosity and knowledge, and
people will benefit a hundredfold.
Discard morality and righteousness, and
people will return to natural love.
Abandon shrewdness and profiteering, and
there won't be any robbers or thieves.

These are external matters, however.
What is most important is what happens within:
look to what is pure;
hold to what is simple;
let go of self-interest;
temper your desires."

Love is the greatest mercy to one such as I, who even now battles a sense of self-worth that has been left for most of its life to gasp for breath in an emotional sewer. Not that it hasn't tried to come crawling back out on occasion. Always tantalized by love, it would see love and reach for it only to be knocked back by a cruel word, a physical hurt, an act of recklessness--my own or someone else's.

How to begin with love and end with it, too, when along this existential obstacle course are so many bumps and burns and scabs and scars and scrapes and bruises? How easy it is to hold one's wounds in contempt.

With love they not only heal, but are transformed. Asking how only holds the Creator in contempt. Just accept the gift, not because you are worthy, but because you are loved.

My self-worth begs in horror to know, "How can this be?" But I should only rest in wonder that it is, indeed.

Day 20 - #8

"The highest good is like water
which benefits all things
and contends with none.
It flows in low places that others disdain
and thus is close to the Tao.

In living, choose your ground well.
In thought, stay deep in the heart.
In relationship, be generous.
In speaking, hold to truth.
In leadership, be organized.
In work, do your best.
In action, be timely.

If you compete with no one,
no one can compete with you."

But who are the least among us? Those who show the least outwardly have the most in their hearts. Years ago it was my spiritual director who taught me, "People do the best they can with what they have." Talking to a friend at work today, I added, "...even if it doesn't look like much to other people."

What resides in the heart is given by God. Those who touch what is put there are given a gift, and should strive only to give in return.

The key is to receive. The spirit of God is within you, but you must open the door to Him. I remind myself of this every day, in order to keep going. Only He can close it, when it's time. This I tell myself, too, so the fear cannot shake me. For what does it matter that I have and am little, when I can be in Him?

Then why in the marriage vows do we say, "With all that I am and all that I have, I honor you?" The honor comes from God, who reminds us daily that, as Bl. Teresa of Calcutta said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."


Amen.

Day 19 - #29

"If you try to grab hold of the world

and do what you want with it, 

you won't succeed.

The world is a vessel for spirit, and

wasn't meant to be manipulated.

Tamper with it, and you'll spoil it.

Hold it, and you'll lose it.

With Tao, sometimes you move ahead

and sometimes you stay back;

sometimes you work hard 

and sometimes you rest.

Sometimes you're strong

and sometimes you're weak;

sometimes you're up;

sometimes you're down.

The sage remains sensitive,

avoiding extremes,

avoiding extravagance,

avoiding excess."

To everything there is a season; why, then do things sometimes seem so slow to change? Other times, they seem to change in a heartbeat. Maybe those are the times I'm listening the best: I can hear the heart of the world.

Is it necessary to believe it has a special message for me? Because I sometimes think I must just ignore it at my own peril. Slowly I'm learning what to listen to and for, how to hear. Trusting the echo, tracing it to its source every time, so there's nothing not to believe. 

Day 18 - #12

"The five colors blind the eye.
The five tones deafen the ear.
The five flavors overwhelm the palate.

Fancy things get in the way of one's growth.
Racing here and there
hunting for this and that--
Good ways to madden your mind, that's all.

Relinquish what is without.
Cultivate what is within.
Live for your center, not your senses."

Often, for me, what's within is just as overwhelming as what's without, if not more so. Finding rest then is like tearing my soul in two. But the separation can bring everything back together once I understand what's caused the rift. Sometimes there's something inside it, like a geode. That's always a surprise. Joy hides in the madness.

When I look within, I wonder what's the secret. I feel far away from it, as from "the blue water" at the beach when I was little. Always striving for something more, something further, pushing, fretting.

Now I'm learning to be quiet, to wait and trust. It's difficult, but there is nothing more important, especially now.

As my mother always says, "In time, all will be revealed." I'm afraid of knowing everything, but I think in the knowing is the letting go. In the letting go are the blossom and the fruit, the death and rebirth, the stillness and peace of eternal rest.

Day 17 - #49

"The sage has no set mind.
She adopts the concerns of others as her own.

She is good to the good.
She is also good to the bad.
This is real goodness.

She trusts the trustworthy.
She also trusts the untrustworthy.
This is real trust.

The sage takes the minds of the worldly
and spins them around.
People drop their ideas and agendas,
and she guides them like beloved children."

The other weekend I ran across some old writing I had done--about dating. Back when I was still dancing around what it was I really wanted. Continuing to write it out was one of the ways I kept telling myself the truth, even when I couldn't face it.

Anyway, it all centered around qualities--things I liked or found attractive--and I ran across this; I had written, "When you can see someone's struggles, the fights they've had to have, that's sexy."

But for me 'sexy' never has been a surface thing. It means seeing the fire inside someone's heart and basking in it. Feeling the fire so deeply in myself that it lights without burning (too much.)

To me, this is love. I have to love so the light can be strong and the burn, clean.

 

Day 16 - #59

"In governing people and serving heaven, 

there is nothing better than moderation.

To be moderate is to follow Tao without straying.

To follow Tao without straying is to 

become filled with good energy.

To become filled with good energy is to

overcome all things.

To overcome all things is to know that

all things are possible.

She who knows that all things are possible

is fit to govern people.

Because she is one with the mother,

her roots go deep,

her foundation stands firm, 

her life lasts long,

her vision endures."

As Emily Dickinson said, "…dwell in Possibility." But what does that really mean? And to overcome means rotten things stand in your way. Sometimes the most rotten thing is my own attitude, that voice inside that says, "No, this is impossible."

But isn't that part of taking the bad with the good? Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, expect nothing? Where even is the room for possibility in that? 

Not as I see, but as God sees. Let go already and just believe. You've waited long enough.

Or so I whisper to myself, when I can't hear anything more.