Altar

"Each day I forge my body into steel
And fold in bright strands of consciousness.
Piling up ripe fruit and fragrant flowers,
Lighting red candles and incense,
Serving tea, rice, and wine.
Anointing with aromatic oils,
Offering heart and bones,
The altar is my anvil, sun and moon the coals,
Discipline the hammer, lungs the bellows."

I make a daily offering of myself. May the altar of my life be pleasing unto Him, and a pleasant gift to all around me. 

Shrine

"Wade the warm stream to
The shrine across the river of golden sound,
Where a drunken bee drones the holy syllable
Over a crimson lotus.
Rich mango magenta and spice offerings
Are piled high by the devout.
Entering into hut of blue stone--
Cool black interior smeared with incense and
Pierced with tiny triangles of candle flame--
Ordinary cares fall to the crystalline floor.
Fiery letters appear in the air
And reappear in your heart."

I see it as part of my calling to make everywhere I go better for having borne my presence, and to leave every place better than I found it. So what if that makes me sound like a Girl Scout? I learn more and more that holiness is simple; rituals for their own sake make it complicated, but rituals for His purpose help me focus and streamline. As I place my trust in Him, he places me where I need to be to make my life, and myself, holy in His name. In many ways, I'm at a point of starting over now. I'm grateful to be able to pick up my tools and move forward, making a way for Him to be in me, so that I become the holy place. 

Armor

"Ripe fruit, crisp greens, live grain,
Vital roots, tender meat, spring water.
Growing essence nourishes your own.
Essence alloyed with breath makes you flexible but hard.
The sage's body is armored.
The sage is impervious to death."

In life I try to be honest and humble, standing always ready to give up everything at any moment for the sake of the One who made me. And yet at a time where my job leaves me feeling empty and uninspired, and my childlessness makes me feel I am missing out on the best part of being human, I fail continually to protect myself from the travails that shouldn't break me. I ask Him to still my flailing confusion, and to help me direct the experience of my pain toward being His best servant, doing His will and growing in it toward my final transformation. 

Sage

"Ancient sages lived in forests and
Wandered from village to village,
Sharing openly, teaching the people
Without profit or ownership."

I push myself very far and hard because I want to learn. Still, there is always something just beyond my grasp. I know there is wisdom in the striving, but now I am trying to cultivate the wisdom to rest. 

Meditation

"Sit still and disengage normal activities.
Draw energy from the earth,
Admit power from the heavens.
Fertilize the seed within;
Let it sprout into a flower of pure light.
And let brightness open the top of your head:
Divine light will come pouring in:
Your mind is empty,
Light seeps into your whole body.
Sitting cross-legged, with hands clasped,
As if trying to embrace the brilliant flood,
Your skin turns transparent.
How can a bag of skin hold divine magnitude?
Your last vestiges burn away in a torrent of infinity.

Only after indeterminate time do you return.
Flesh, blood, bone.
Were you gone? Or were you never here in the first place?
Where is the torrent?
It is not gone;
You've only closed to it once more."

"Were you never here in the first place?" That's the question I want to ask my baby. I hate that I am not a mother, not so anyone can see. So I have to live my life, and live the death of my child, closed. No amount of praying or mediation can ever bring it--whoever he or she would have been--back to me. I always ask myself, what else can I do? There is nothing that will ever be enough. At least I can still pour out my heart, and be grateful that He will listen even if I don't hear an answer. 

Totality

"Those who consider their path superior are condescending.
A parrot who speaks of the totality of the self is absurd.
Many paths lead to the summit,
But it takes a whole body to get there."

Along the path of my faith life, I have been seen as both humble and self-righteous, God-centered and self-centered, wise and foolish. What I have always been, from my own point of view, at least, is fearful and ashamed, but willing to learn. So much of that learning has been learning to let go. This is most of what we hear in popular spirituality these days, too, but I've recently been reflecting that the most important thing to let go of is holding my own sin as so unutterably unforgivable by God; that's not only ridiculously prideful, but also just plain ridiculous. His mercy is to all, and for all, who totally and completely ask. Even me!

Master

"Deception occurs when you are divided,
Truth appears when you are whole.
Uniting male and female brings illumination,
The real master is a perfect light."

I try so hard to keep the politics off of here, and out of my life in general, discussion-wise, but today's thoughts on Tao and the Bible verse today just put me too much in mind of what's happening in America at the moment. Lincoln called it, and I would like to see my country fall. I want to see America accept a mantle of humility, and make a genuine effort to address and redress the wrongs of its history, and of its present. I have a home here because of genocide and slavery and greed. I do everything I know now to do so that the life I lead in that home perpetuates none of those. There is so much more I need to learn. I call upon the Master to help me. 

Censorship

"Emperors uphold censorship,
But extreme repression leads to extreme reaction.
Individualists believe in freedom,
But extreme expression leads to extreme reaction."

I find I can do no good work without humility. This requires an inner quiet and willing slowness that I seldom, if ever, master. While I've always been long on patience, I usually spare more for others than for myself. This leads to my own frustration, and holding myself up against the impossible, which is no doubt the fruit of my pride and nothing else. Fortunately I have learned to be thoughtful if not always deliberate, I want not to censor myself, but only to back up what I say and do with an abundance of integrity. If I speak or act out of turn, my integrity is but an afterthought. Instead, may it go before me always, in all I say and do. 

Navigation

"Do you know
Where you are
On your journey?"

What I know is that I'm finally somewhere I want to be. For now, that is enough. It's best to trust the unfolding with the enfolding. 

Accessibility

"As long as the sun rises
And your heart beats,
Tao is at hand."

I waste a lot of time feeling cut off from God. I pray always to transcend those feelings and understand God's availability to me in all circumstances. Slowly, I am learning to be consistent and unafraid. 

Truth

"There are three levels of truth:
Experiencing, reasoning, and knowing.
All other assertions should be rejected."

I think it's important to remind myself that seeking and seeing are not the same. I always want to experience, believe, understand and know the truth, but I think most of the time I am too distracted and overwhelmed to do any of these. This blog is but a small step toward changing that. May I always stay aware and willing in my pursuit of truth. 

Superstition

"The voices of ghosts are so familiar,
They whisper to me every day.
You, so young and rich,
Make assumptions with absolute assurance.

I vacillate between superstition and tradition.
You don't need to question."

Sometimes I think this is all I've got, but then I remember the man I fell in love with, how he "waited in the wings" of my life for years. I think of how a stranger saved my life as I was getting off the bus in Istanbul, about to be dragged down the street when the door closed on my arm. I think of--no, almost seem to have memories--of how my twin and I shared our mother's womb, and have shared so much else since then. I am grateful for the ways God humbles me for His purpose. As tough sometimes as it is to see the good in it all, I will never give in or forsake Him, no matter how close I may have come before. 

Writer

"She withdrew into herself,
First writing just for one,
Then touching thousands.
She incarnated ghosts, hurt, and joy
Into paper-and-ink stories of wonder."

My motivation for writing has always been that someone else may read it. While I may hesitate with the "meat" of my material, or the chance to share the best there is, it's because I want to be truly ready. I am very hopeful that the story of my life will be worth writing all the way through. I am plagued by doubts daily, and moment by moment, but I keep going--first for myself, and then to share with others. 

Dying

"Leaden blankets weigh her down,
White hanks drape her leathery face.
Caught in the numbness of narrowing time,
Eyes blinded by gauze,
Robotic sighs echo into her coma.
Metallic hiss of breathing machine is the
Strange violence of modern compassion."

Some years ago, I would have been the first to tell you this, but now all of the deaths I have experienced, most recently my baby's, have got me just plain curious. I partly just take comfort in the scientific view of energy change, but there is a certain peace now, one which comes with a wonder that, in turn, overtakes the fear. I am beginning to understand that, just as I should be ready to meet my God, He will be ready to meet me, too. 

Optimal

"If you are best in the morning,
Cultivate Tao in the morning.
If you are best in the evening,
Cultivate Tao in the evening."

Having grown up with the charge to, "Always do your best," it was a slow and painful revelation to me that one's circumstances do not always match one's efforts. In an effort in turn to mitigate those disappointments, I feel I am always searching for the optimal time to get things done--eating, working, praying, even sleeping. At a time when, despite lingering disappointment and pain, my life truly is better than it ever has been, I finally find myself with the resources not only to search for, but finally to find, my best. Recently I got a fortune cookie which, when I opened it, read: The best years of your life are ahead of you. As silly as the source may sound, for once--just once--I was willing to believe it. I still hope for it enough to keep searching, and perchance, at last, to find and embrace the best. 

Inseparable

"The trunk is hollow,
But the branches live.
The void is fundamental,
But the ten thousand things are diverse.
Therefore, wanderers free themselves from cares
And follow Tao in great delight."

The Church teaches that life goes in cycles of desolation and consolation. I suppose this is similar to void and life, in that all of us are, at least ultimately, destined to experience both. With this understanding, I see that they are indeed inseparable, if I try to separate myself from one, I struggle. If I instead accept both, I can not only end my struggle but also be free to love. Perhaps love is what unites them, making both possible and even necessary in this world where division is a constant threat. 

Enjoyment

"Sleek sky of cobalt blue;
Water like nectar satisfies deeply.
Air sweeter than the best perfume;
Sunlight warms a grateful cat."

Once the losses in my life had begun, I struggled to enjoy myself. It's gotten so bad that now the struggle is the norm, rather than either the enjoyment or the loss. I'm like a trapped animal that only ensnares itself further as it tries to find its way out. In my case, though, I seem to have forgotten where exactly the trap came from, knowing only that it must still be here because I am still struggling. Would that I felt my own strength, rather than that of the trap to hold me. Would that I saw my own flexibility, rather than flailing blindly. I pray for deliverance, yet shy away from the hand of my Deliverer. Would that I could thank Him for waiting so patiently for me to be still. 

Sheaths

"Outside is form,
Inside is thought.
Deepest is the soul."

As I continue to strive for that which is deepest, I often fight the urge to run and hide. Beleaguered by memories of moments and actions that have brought me shame, I can only pray this is God's way of stripping me bare, casting off old ways and allowing me to make new ones. This, so that I shall no longer behave in an unworthy way, but know myself, and Him, fully. 

Blame

"Though others have faults,
Concentrate on your own."

In teaching, especially, I always try to remember to start with myself. When I do, I learn that teaching actually takes more humility than anything: "Let me show you what I know, so you can learn it even better than I did." I don't want my students to be like me, I want them to go beyond me. I want to work together with them to be vulnerable enough to build a body of knowledge together. Individual responsibility is important, but if I waste time drawing lines in the sand and splitting hairs, no work gets done as I shift the focus off of what I'm supposed to be doing. Let me not blame, but encourage:

Sleep

"Sleep is like a swift train
Plunging into long black tunnels,
Slicing day with red and black light.
No worry about the skeleton engineer.
Head to pillow is like head to track,
Listening to the rumble of destiny,
Knowing that the opening will come.
In sleep, as in the tunnels,
The sound seems ever closer."

I acknowledge that sleep is precious; would that I valued it even more! At moments I long for it as many do, yet night after night I fear to surrender, over something I might have forgotten in the day, or some thought of the future torturing me. I'd like to see that to sleep is to free myself, and that the giving up is in order to receive. By letting go, I can do more than let God; I can let God in. 

Actual

"The actual
Is only actual
In one place
And one time."

It seems a life of faith is a fine balance between living in the present and waiting for a revelation. I am grateful for every moment I have to work on--and toward--His plans for me.

Mercy

"Uphold precepts, but be merciful.
Gradually absorb, until there is no need for law.
Gain wisdom beyond right and wrong."

I strive every day to fulfill God's call in my life. Gradually and painfully I am unlearning the blaming of Him for the forces holding me back. At times when I feel that this is more than just me getting in my own way, I call the most strongly on His mercy, indeed. I pray now to grow in the confidence of receiving it, both now and on the last day. 

Pivoting

"Some days, you and I go mad.
Our bellies get stuffed full,
Hearts break, minds snap.
We can't go on the old way so
We change. Our lives pivot,
Forming a mysterious geometry."

A friend wrote in her Facebook status today, "If I were to die tomorrow, I would die knowing I had loved fully."  I don't know if I could say the same. I know I said something similar, but opposite, to my husband not long after we had met, once we had declared our love for each other: "If I had to leave this world tomorrow, I would leave knowing that I was loved." At that moment, that was enough. Yet now, not being able to fulfill my friend's statement is the closest I feel I will ever come to being able to express how not having children (yet) makes me feel. To live a life empty of this love is a tragedy for me. As I continue to wait, I never know whether to grow bolder or more humble about asking for my great commission. I am ready anytime for the change it will bring. 

Translation

"Place the word Tao
Into your heart.
Use no other words."

Since I was introduced to the idea of centering prayer, I've tried to keep many of my own prayers as simple yet as focused as possible at all times. Still, what I like so much about Catholic tradition is the richness of so many different manifestations of God's love. So it must be that God is apart from us, yet also dwells inside us. It's a challenge to discover what will best lead me to encountering Him without as well as within. 

Subservience

"Out-of-season rain
Dashes crowns of princely trees.
Perplexed travelers ask for reasons,
Huddling under worn eaves."

I often feel so late to the party on so many things. I have fallen short so often in my waiting and faithful hoping, that I tell myself I don't deserve any reward. Yet such a thing, when it comes, will not be refused. And though the world may not understand or welcome its timing, I know it will be needed and so very desired when it comes. Until then, and ever after, I wait, hope and pray in the service of all, however imperfectly. I may be tempted to fret and ask why, but I persevere. 

Insignificance

"Spasms of molten rock
Piled a cone three miles high.
Rain and wind split a hundred towering fingers.
In time, trees strove for leverage in the fissures.
After a million years, condors and snakes took up residence.

Mighty rock, carved walls adorned with
Chartreuse and vermilion lichen--
Man yet more puny on those stones.
How long will it take to see Tao?
Until you no longer hold self-importance."

It is a challenge to keep hold of one's convictions as well as one's humility. Perhaps an important part of "not taking things personally" is not making them personal, either. One can be true to one's purpose without being selfish, self-centered or--especially--self-indulgent. Something that has helped me grow in self-worth without succumbing to a negative feeling of insignificance is letting go: saying simply yes, no, or--the most painful yet the most necessary of all--goodbye. 

Views

"Red sea through pine lattice.
Islands kneel like vassals before headlands.
Rain clouds snag on coastal ridges.
Yarrow stands spectral in the lighthouse beam."

For all that it sounds obvious to say that one's view depends on one's perspective, it's also easy to forget that often those terms are related directly with seeing. I often wonder what it would take to abolish completely ableist and other insidious turns of phrase. For now I settle on grouping view, perspective, "Oh, I see," etc. with the notion of understanding. This is accessible to everyone, or should be; all deserve to establish a view based on their experiences and their growth from them. As the Psalm says, "The earth is the Lord's and the fulness thereof..." We all have a place in that fullness, and a chance even to add to it by sharing our views. 

Latent

"Prophets and priests teach the form of Tao.
Tao's essence cannot be taught.
It is latent,
And cannot be known by learning."

My faith is an inner, unquenchable urging that tells me "Forward, forward!" even when I fight. I can't explain it, or argue with it; I can only follow. Perhaps this is how I came to the Tao. C.S. Lewis apparently wrote on, among other things, how it came to perfection in Christ. If "going with the flow" is submitting to His will, and acting within that flow is doing as He would, then perhaps that's all that is needed. Though I am but a sinful woman, I request His guidance and presence, always. 

Intuition

"Hawk doesn't think during the hunt.
It does not care for theory or ethics.
All that it does is natural."

In my faith as in my everyday life, I do the best I can to maintain my willingness to enter the mystery. Slowly I surrender my need to understand everything, and instead embrace the need to experience it all. 

Leisure

"Bird chirp, vanguard for coming rain,
Dog bark skitters through twilight village.
Smoke raises a column through the pines,
Contented families dine in golden windows."

I often find that just when I feel well-rested comes the moment when I have to turn back around and go to work. Still other things that, perhaps, should be restful, feel for all the world like work. I do the best I can to be self-aware and intentional with my time, at the very least to pace myself through any feelings of overwhelm, but still many things escape me day to day. It's popular as well as easy to say, "Find something you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life," but I have yet to experience that. I have done many kinds of work I enjoy, yet they all carry their own stresses. Perhaps a key is balance, so that nothing--work, rest, or play--is neglected or forgotten. 

Wrinkles

"Lines on the face, tattoos of aging.
Life is proved upon the body
Like needle-jabs from a blind machine."

As I continue in my skin care quest, I'm sure people assume that it's because I want to look a certain way, or that, having rounded the point of no return 35 seems to bring to the lives of so many women, I insist on trying to stay young. As I've tried to show in other parts of this blog, it's neither. It's only because I know that, particularly as a disabled person, life is proved upon my body in countless ways, yet assumed in still innumerable others. When I miscarried, indeed, it was as if life itself were trying to hurt me.

At a gardening meet-up today, a friend expressed that in the space where we were, "the body is the boss." I take that now to mean that the body needs to be validated in its response to what life tosses its way. The body is our medium for everything; therefore the changes it incurs and absorbs should come as no shock or ugliness to anyone, but rather as the natural consequence of living, which should not be fought, but celebrated.

After my miscarriage, I went to see a midwife who talked about the extreme taboo, that there is no process, procedure, or rite to mark a woman's experience of this. I remain proud of the fact that once I had considered this I went home and, after my own private fashion, I made one. I am grateful for the seed of hope God took a moment to plant in my womb.  It gives me courage to face, and embody, the future.