Spectrum

"Pure light is all colors.
Therefore, it has no hue.
Only when singleness is scattered
Does color appear."

Perhaps Beethoven said it best--or at least most directly--"I am never alone when I am alone." God does not exist apart from us because we cannot exist apart from Him. When we come together, we return to the source. Why then should I fear the difference between myself and another? We all reflect and refract His light, whether we know it or not. The facets and aspects we see now are our parts of a great whole. We can be a gift to each other, and to Him, every moment of our lives.

Cooperation

"Cooperation with others.
Perception, experience, tenacity.
Know when to lead and when to follow."

I often ponder the Bible verse I chose for today, wondering if we don't all have times when we are the least--or at least feel that way--and times when we are the greatest--or, again, just feel that way. I've written before about what a challenge it must be to recognize and yet still grow in one's own humility.

It's an appropriate one, too, I think, for a day like today--Memorial Day, also the day on which I chose to cast my vote on a Vote-By-Mail ballot, which I usually do for accessibility reasons. This election has caused so much discord and upheaval, with so many people refusing to vote one way or the other, apparently, that I've told most of my friends we just might find ourselves with the political equivalent of a hung jury.

To those who don't vote, claiming their conscience and proclaiming Spurgeon's ideal: "Of two evils, choose neither," I can only say: How quick we are to define and decide evil when we perceive it outside ourselves. Yet when we look within, how many of us find someone who--as President Johnson did when confronted with Viet Nam War protesters chanting, "Hey, hey, LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?"--hides out with the covers pulled up over his head, crying, "I don't understand these young people; don't they know I'm just one of them?"

It would seem that God alone knows the least from the greatest, or can separate the wheat from the chaff. Some of us believe we are great; others of us believe we could only ever be small. I know only that as I strive to follow His commandments, my own desire to make such a distinction lessens. If I know right from wrong in action, I can see the best in each person, and try to see them as He does. That's all I ever want to do in every situation. 

Ordinary

"Umbrella, light, landscape, sky--
There is no language of the holy.
The sacred lies in the ordinary."

My husband so often sings the praises of an ordinary life: "I never imagined my life could be like this...Enough time and peace to do my work, quiet days, my wife by my side…" His story is his own to tell, though, so I'll leave it at that for now.

I, on the other hand, was convinced that my life not only would never be ordinary, but couldn't be. I felt such pressure to succeed phenomenally at everything I did, while at the same time staggering under the mortal impossibility of it as I struggled to navigate life with my disability and people's horrifying perceptions of that. I could only be a joke, a fraud--at worst, a trained monkey or parrot--forced freakishly into caricatures of excellence, whether on the keys, onstage, or on the honor roll. In short, I never imagined that I could be enough, let alone the best, for anyone, just as I am.

I waited a hell of a long time, but I'm happy to tell you I was wrong. My husband blesses me with a reminder of that every single day. 

Time

"The river, surging course,
Uninterrupted current.
Headwater, channel, mouth.
Can they be divided?"

I get so frustrated when people talk about "God's perfect timing." You might think it's because I'm impatient; on the contrary, it's because I'm trying to cultivate patience. Not knowing His timing helps me trust Him, and believe that all things work together for good, so I may say without reservation, "Lord, into Your hands I commend my spirit." 

Positioning

"Heron stands in the blue estuary.
Solitary, white, unmoving for hours.
A fish! Quick avian darting;
The prey captured."

My sister once quoted her pastor as saying, "Do what is necessary, when it is necessary." A sister I met once, checking in with me about character formation on my journey toward spiritual direction, reminded me that, "to do anything less," than what one knows to be right is a mistake indeed. Armed with such knowledge, ever growing in it, I must, in the words of Pope St. John Paul II, "Say 'yes' with courage and without reserve, trusting Him Who is faithful to His promises." 

Absorption

"Crimson light through pine shadows.
Setting sun settling in the ocean.
Night follows the setting sun.
Day follows the fleeing moon."

We tend to think of this as a bad thing, especially when we add "self-".  When I look at it, if I'm willing to see that I'm connected to everything and everyone else, I can break through the "self" part. My individual destiny makes up part of a much greater whole. If I forget that, I die. Remembering helps me live for Him. 

Shaping

"Potter at the wheel.
From centering to finished pot,
Form increases as options decrease;
Softness goes to hardness."

I've never really liked the notion of "arriving" in life. As if at some point my work will be done and I can rest on my laurels to surround myself with everything I have…As if the pressure of striving will one day let up and I can just enjoy. The world, I think, wants us to believe this is possible: "Let go and live in the moment," I hear all the time. "It's all you've got!" And I might, too, except I so often feel myself growing toward some great destiny, into something I must do for the time I am here. By commending myself into His hands, I find the strength to keep working. May He ever increase my form toward His purpose. Amen. 

Healing

"Fire cools.
Water seeks its own level."

Change requires healing. Healing requires change. Some changes happen slowly, others happen fast. Right now I feel so stuck in between: The baby is gone now, my body has healed itself…But what's next? God will be there when the next change occurs. I have to remember that He's here now, even as I await it. 

Disaster

"Mute black night,
Sudden fire.
Destruction."

I passed not one but two huge piles of dog shit in the course of my runnings-around today. In a superstitious moment, I felt that it ought to mean something, or at least prepare me for something worse to watch out for, imminently. Instead, it was a humbling reminder of how often I erroneously walk around in my "Everything I touch turns to shit," self-pitying mode. The truth is, of course, that I control so little--I have to remember that things just happen; they aren't punishments or rewards, but opportunities. And from the opportunities come lessons learned. To the lessons learned, I can respond in order to bless others or be blessed.

Optimism

"Clearing blue sky,
A promise in bare branches.
In winter, there are sunny days.
In adulthood, childhood can return."

As I move forward in life, what can I do but commend myself to His mercy? How else can I do that than by focusing on that which is good? While that may not always be so easy, perhaps if I return my thoughts to Him again and again, he will lay His table before me that I, like St. Dominic Savio, may say, "What beautiful things I see!" 

Work

"The woodcutter
Works in all seasons.
Splitting wood is both
Action and inaction."

Lord, let me work in a worthy way all my days, that Your glory may shine from all I do and say, with love. Amen. 

Forbearance

"Arctic breath coils the mountain,
Rattling the forests' bones.
Raindrops cling to branches:
Jeweled adornment flung to earth."

When people say, "God never gives you more than you can handle," I don't believe them. What I want to believe about it is, "God gives you the strength to handle everything." I know I have not handled everything on my plate as gracefully as I could have, ever. For that I ask His forgiveness, and try to show Him my willingness to forbear all, with love for Him.

Emerging

"Thunder and rain at night.
Growth comes with a shock.
Expression and duration
Appear in the first moment.

People say change is inevitable, and yet growth is gradual. If what I've been waiting for all this time will only pass so quickly, then I say, let it come. I will be ready. I will be ready, because I have been waiting. 

Sound

"Wind in the cave:
Movement in stillness.
Power in silence."

Hello, darkness, my old friend. I don't want to talk to you anymore. When I was in my deepest grieving, over my father, over some other critical relationships, when I had no idea what the future held and usually felt that I didn't care to know, I would wander around wherever I was in the world at the time and say in my head again and again--sometimes barely keeping it all inside--"No more now. No more now, okay? Please, no more now."

An echo of that still comes up now and then, after this baby. I try to find the courage inside just to keep forging ahead and being honest, not running from my truth. If the tears come, I don't try to hide them. Still, I find myself hoping that a new truth will dawn in my life someday. 

Reflection

"Moon above water.
Sit in solitude."

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone…" but what of woman? There are people who would argue that the only purpose for her is to be the helpmeet of man. In my life it's been a role I've longed to fulfill, and I've been only too happy to do so since my wedding day--even before then, in my own way. Yet I am also given to understand that with His coming into the world, Jesus radically changed all that. With the new covenant, perhaps, came options for women, options that in the new heaven and the new earth none of us now can imagine. I've always felt that only by fully stepping into the role of wife and mother will I be truly free. I'm still so far away from that, grieving the loss of my baby, that maybe I need to be alone.  If I am alone, maybe He will find me. Maybe He will lead me back and give me hope. I can only pray, "Thy will be done."

Devotion

"Make the crooked straight,
Make the straight to flow.
Gather water, fire and light.
Bring the world to a single point."

It is written, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee." If only I can focus, I need not worry. Nothing separates us from the love of God, and what He wills for me is what I need to do. I trust that everything He gives me power to perceive will lead me to that, and to Him.

Ablution

"Washing at dawn:
Rinse away dreams.
Protect the gods within,
And clarify the inner spirit."

I've often reflected that it wouldn't be my life if I didn't have to struggle a little. I've felt most keenly the cycles of desolation and consolation which, I've heard others say, are part and parcel of a life of faith. At the same time, I realize now that I've never asked Him specifically to purify me for His purpose, although I've tried to live in such a way that would help that happen, anyway. I've been so focused on my fear of Him that I forget how much He loves me. Perhaps in all the waiting I say I've done for Him, He's been waiting for me, too. I want to make myself available. I try to ask, but I don't know what to ask for and I'm afraid to get too specific, if only because I'm sure I rarely do all of that which I'm supposed to. Here's to trying anew. I know it's not too late. I pray that it may never be. 

Beginning (Again)

"This is the moment of embarking.
All auspicious signs are in place."

A hopeful place to be as another milestone birthday draws to a close. As I recommit myself here, I look forward to what Deng Ming-Dao calls "the sounds of our purpose" in my own life. I have to listen.

Lord, I am listening, so let me hear You. I long to hear You!