Self-sufficiency

"Be self-sufficient but not isolated.
When the king of China closed the borders,
Centuries of stagnation and decadence began."

Without God, the stagnation and decadence are inevitable. I must reach out to God from my authentic self. In my gradual process of discovering who He made me, my true self-sufficiency can begin. 

Poor

"Chopsticks made from bamboo--
Too poor to afford silverware.
Tender bamboo shoots for food--
Too poor to afford meat."

I am not afraid of being poor. Whatever my circumstances, I have always been able to make more of them than I thought I would. This time will be no different, except I have a feeling that it will indeed be better, if not the best. 

Sustaining

"Orange and gold carp,
Living beneath ice.
Uncaring of the world above,
Sustained by the water below."

I often feel I am being sustained for a purpose, and cannot break out of the restraints I feel until the proper time. Then I think I must be kidding myself; miracles are for other people, not for me. How I struggle to let go of that mindset now; how I struggle to believe that my miracle is on its way. I will not be left alone and disappointed; I will not be put to shame. 

Singing

"Rain comes--and birds,
Silhouettes against the pearlescent sky--
Respond excitedly in song.
They open their throats to heaven's nectar,
And rhyme with the drops."

Sometimes the key of life changes; that's not a reason to stop singing, or playing. I will continue to explore the music of what happens. 

Swimmer

"Though life is a dream,
Act as if it isn't.
Act with no weight."

I have discovered within myself not only a willingness to be vulnerable, but also a willingness to be overwhelmed. How else can one learn to take life as it comes. My strategy now is to embrace, and be exhilarated. I will no longer be constricted or restrained; I will float, and be carried.

Rest

"The year's end is coming;
I feel great contentment.
Completion means rest.
Rest means renewal.
Renewal means new beginnings.

I believe I am overdue for the start of something new. I feel blessed because I now can take the steps toward the new beginning I need. After my first truly restful Sunday in a long time, I am hopeful, indeed. 

Joy

"Do your devotions make you happy?
Is your life a joyous song?"

I struggle for more joy in my life. God must know how deeply I feel my trials, and how determined I am not to get the better of me, or the better part of my life. I know I have no right to be weary of the striving that awaits us all in His love. I strive only because I want to live His love most deeply. 

Soaring

"For years, I've practiced ritual.
It's dead now.
For years, I've practiced meditation.
It's dull now.
Finally, there is only soaring
Like an ectoplasmic ribbon
Floating over the sea."

I often feel restless and roving in my spiritual life. I think it's this desire for lift-off at work. I stick with the Rosary awhile, then have to do something else. I'm doing this blog now; what's next? I may be about to quit my job.

Some people hate change, and fear it. I long for it, and want to make it. 

Chameleon

"If I don't want to be known, I cannot be known.
The best actor can divide role from self.
The best liar can divide truth from falsity."

A genuinely curious person by nature, I often describe myself as looking for magic. I like to wonder at what I sense around me. How curious it is it, then, that I should often struggle so in my faith. For isn't most of faith just contentment with mystery? 

Bravery

"One willing to take his own life into his hands
Will not hesitate to take the lives of others."

As I sit up here, foolishly brave in completing my blog while sleep-deprived, I think about how, lately, I can feel life backing me into a corner. And I know from my recent experience that she who is backed into a corner will strike out in fear. I must remember the journey from fear to self-mastery, from bravery to true courage--that the tools I have to make my own life are always with me, from Him. 

Smallness

"You may be capable of great things,
But life consists of small things."

I am learning to embrace the small things, and see with new eyes how they add up to the greats. Such a view helps in setting goals, which has always terrified me into cowering before the demon of disappointment. But disappointment cannot exist if one's actions are measured and circumspect. No matter how one is vanquished back, the ability to move forward does not stop. Every step is a win. That in itself is great. 

Friendship

"Those truly linked don't need correspondence.
When they meet again after many years apart,
Their friendship is as true as ever."

I've always enjoyed many friendships in which we "pick up where we left off," and I believe that usually this is not only possible but also probable in the truest sense between friends. However, just in the past year or two I have lost more than one friendship I would have considered forever. In moving on from them I understand now that the potential for friendship always exists, and that being willing to let go the old and take on the new is a sign of growth, not disloyalty. 

Contemporary

"Why do yogis die today?
Why are there no immortals anymore?
What has happened to all the sorcerers?
Why don't angels come to earth?"

A good friend of mine once told me he didn't like the whole idea of living each day as if it were his last. "I want to live like I'll be here for 100 years!" he said. In the same conversation I said I thought we had only one job, which is to love each person we come across. If that is indeed true, how often and how miserably I fail! But while I draw breath, I will continue to take my opportunity to do it, for it is not to love perfectly but to love sincerely that is the best thing. 

Soul

"The music stirred my soul."

In my life I long for the time and space to focus on what's most important. What if I were to let go and truly believe (for once) that God will provide? (For once) I see signs of it all around me. What if it's the most responsible, and responsive (to Him) thing I can do at this point? 

Lily

"Dormant bulb, skin of tea-stained parchment,
Reaches into water with pubic tendrils--
It is the roots that make tall green shoots possible."

In many ways I feel that my life is still just a dormant bulb, when so long I have striven to grow. I understand that pruning is part of that process, but how long will it be before I feel anything other than cut to the quick? Perhaps it's only to make sure I stay so sensitive. My challenge is to apply that sensitivity in a constructive way, even when everything around me feels like an assault on it.

Triumph

"Crawl to begin.
Triumph to complete.
Renounce to leave."

I certainly feel like I've spent a lot of my life crawling. Moments of triumph come--how I long to savor them, but they are so fleeting. With a big decision looming before me, will I have the strength to just renounce and leave? I fear it may be too late to do so effectively. Completion at a crawl seems hardly worth the striving, but movement forward still is good. 

Meditation

"Meditation is a total state of being."

I ask God to help me make my every moment, and movement, prayerful. I am His creature, and everything I do can be worthy of Him. That's all I really want. 

Divination

"How can divination
Exceed imagination?"

I am done trying to figure out the future. I am grateful for the dreams I've had of it, and the ways in which my present has exceeded them. As to the dreams I still have, the mind games I play are not worth a sacrifice of dreams. I pray always to be inspired by God, and to be shown by Him what the future can be for everyone!

Aging

"Mist and snow blot out the world.
Bony trees are thinly fleshed with ice.
A couple laughs below a stone monument,
But behind a bristled hedge,
A lone woman sings a dirge.
Old age is lonely.
Dreams of those I've buried haunt me.
Was I ever ready to shoulder this mantle?
It smothered a carefree youth.
Now neither parent, lover, nor friends have I,
And great fame is as distant as spring's leaves."

Having witnessed such death at such a young age, I often pray God now not to be done with me yet. I feel so young, so strong, so capable of so many of the things the friends my own age have already done. I pray indeed that they are still before me, so that my old age will be old, indeed, and perhaps not so lonely after all. 

Maturity

"Immortality does not beget wisdom.
Only mortality begets maturity."

I sometimes wonder if God sees me as difficult. I mean, I know I'm difficult for people in a lot of ways, so I try hard to give gentle consideration to everyone, but I still manage to feel most of the time like God must be deeply ashamed of me. Why else would He test me with so many losses? I don't like to dwell on the thought, for I know many have their tests and trials, but I must be honest and say it does cross my mind from time to time. The baby was the worst of them, but by now, I fear, I must be somewhat inured. When I feel pain, I know that fear is unfounded, so while it's hard to be grateful, I am at least deeply aware and striving to carry the pain with me as far as I need to. 

Oneness

"If I break down the walls, I will be surrounded by the garden.
If I break the levee, water will inundate me.
Meditation is not to be separated from life."

I once read a book called So Far From God. I've often felt since like that title alone is the story of my life. I am sure I am not alone in this, and that as well as my own determination has caused me to seek Him with almost a vengeance: "After everything I've been through, you won't keep me away so easily!" Often I think it's a fight I'm not truly up for, but I'm still here, and still with a lot more to do. Doubts diminish as gratitude increases. It's a simple matter, but not a simple process. 

Righting

"A deviation of a hair's breadth at the center
Leads to an error of a hundred miles at the rim.
When the effort is so slight,
Why should you hesitate to set things right?"

The other day I taught my students the idiom, "Go with your gut." Since then I've reflected on how important it is to do that, and often, even when what one is doing looks all wrong to the world outside. 

Existing

"Fog makes the world a painting obscure.
Even close trees are half unseen.
But a lonesome crow won't stop calling:
He objects to being in this dream."

I have learned to focus on growth. Indeed, the Talmud says, "Every blade of grass has an angel that stands over it and whispers, 'Grow! Grow!'" As I come closer than ever to everything I've ever wanted since the day I was born, I find I have little patience or room for anything but that whisper. I ask my angel, my God, and the people in my life every day: "If you love me, let me grow." It may sound silly, but while we are here, I think it's the only thing to do. 

Stages

"Unless you are pious,
You cannot gain a foothold in Tao.
Unless you go beyond rules,
You haven't gained the middle.
Unless you can be creative,
You aren't traversing Tao.
Unless the road always stretches out before you,
You are not walking the true Tao."

I always ask that my vision be broadened, and my path be enriched. I always want more even than I presently strive for. It may wound one's pride to fall short, but far better to be humbled in one's striving than to be abased by one's own short sight and narrow mind. 

Core

"What is the difference between a monk and a husband?
What is the difference between a priest and a layperson?
I accept that this world is terrible and full of suffering.
And I also enjoy happiness when it comes to me.
As long as I am with Tao, distinctions are superfluous."

I know there is room for both the dread and the wonder of this life. If I consider prayerfully, then neither predominates. With this, so often, I need so much help. I now know I can not only ask for it, but also use the tools I have honed or been given with greater confidence. 

Growth

"A moving door hinge never corrodes.
Flowing water never grows stagnant."

Today during the homily the priest said God created us because He thought we would like it. Based on what I wrote yesterday, I think maybe growth has the most to do with how I respond when I don't like it--and I still have plenty of those moments even though on the whole my life is better than it's ever been. I'm sure lots of people would say I should be happy with the way things are, but each intimation of how they could be is a gift, too. I'd rather strive for those, to grow even when people try and stop me. 

Solutions

"Don't be afraid to explore;
Without exploration there are no discoveries.
Don't be afraid of partial solutions;
Without the tentative there is no accomplishment."

Solving any problem requires taking action, and I am slowly learning that the most effective solutions involve compromise. Living with a little imperfection is painful--we were all made for much better things. But the idea that we were made at all is itself a thing of wonder. I suppose it's best for me, then, to rejoice in the tools I have to deal with my flawed nature. 

Sitting

"Cats sit in the sun.
Dog sits in the grass.
Turtle sits on the rock.
Frog sits on the lily pad.
Why aren't people so smart?"

Sometimes I just want to stop. I think I've said this here before. It's like when we were in school and we had the D.E.A.R. program: Drop Everything And Read. I loved that, but now I'd like to go beyond it, and just give myself permission to "do nothing" for a while.

You may wonder why I use quotation marks. It may be because I know how hard it is to turn off, let go, and just exist a minute. I think it's also, though, because I know that simply by being, and being aware, I can be so much more available than I can be if I stay merely busy. 

Interval

"Seven geese pierce straight line over frigid bay,
Intervals between them constantly equal,
Pointed wings slash as if joined to an axle:
Today is the ideal moment between yesterday and tomorrow."

At my moments when struggle is the greatest, I have to believe I am still on my way to the future I have imagined for myself. I work really hard to pay attention and accept the things that unfold as I make my way. Nothing can be forced, I know, so I continue to wait. 

Balance

"Summer withered grass to flaxen yellow,
Scorched leaves to brittle paper,
Dried lakes to cracked clay.
Chill autumn brought little relief--
Only frosted the devastation.
But with the early gentle rains,
The earth's fissures softened
And desiccated plants began to dissolve.
Slowly, balance comes once again."

I believe God wants for us to discern His hand in all things, and the patterns he has set in place. Because there are patterns, it's not always so easy to recognize where His hand is, or whether it's all His hand--or, if you're like me, you go through life assuming that just by being here, you're messing things up.

I understand that that's a grave lie, but whether or not one accepts the doctrine of original sin, it's hard to escape the fact that by our flaws we are constantly out of balance and harmony--with each other, with nature, even with ourselves. I have discovered the tremendous value of simply being brave enough to take the steps that may restore the balance. It is always worth trying, whether or not my results are perceptible to me.