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"Don't call me a follower of Tao."

All I wish for this new year is to be a beacon of that peace which surpasses all understanding. May it defy every label and break through every limitation anyone tries to put on it, or on me in bringing it. 

Order

"Build your life brick upon brick.
Live a life of truth,
And you will look back on a life of truth.
Live a life of fantasy,
And you will look back on delusion."

As the year draws to a close on the calendar, it seems appropriate to think about the ordering of things. I know I always swear that whatever new time I enter will be better, neater, more organized, more purposeful and more meaningful than whatever has passed before. I just pray I can make it all so in a more real way than I ever have before, for I can't shake the feeling that this time, all of our lives will depend on it. 

Perfection

"The hero comes down from the mountain,
Radiant with the power.
Yet one tussle with a dusty old man
Quickly tumbles him into the dirt."

Perfection is a tough pursuit for a perfectionist like me. I think the thing to be perfected first is humility, and then perfectionism becomes moot. If I strive to be like God out of love, then the focus will be on love, and not on perfection itself. May it ever be so. 

Redemption

"I meditate daily before the altar,
Yet I am still covered with sin."

It seems this year has brought such loss and devastation to the world, yet for now I can still get up each morning, do my work and enjoy the moments I work for. If I keep doing that, challenge myself to do more, and stay grateful for it all, perhaps I truly can carefully avoid the occasions of sin. 

Depth

"Morning light illuminates the meditating wrestler.
In his mind, even a wooden temple is washed away.
Who could challenge an ocean's depth?"

How many of us ever truly get to know the fullness of who we are? I know that I feel I now have more of my life before me than I ever felt when I was younger. Maybe that's just because I know more of what I want now, or can see more possibilities. Does it really matter why? I hope, at this time which may prove to be of such danger to so many, that I can take it as proof of growth, and be grateful. 

Consistency

"Without too much trouble,
One can keep to the main road.
But people love to be distracted,
And perspective is difficult."

Perspective: As this turbulent year draws to a close, I find I have none. Last night, as I lay awake dreading certain things still to come, I tried to focus on the gratitude I have for everything that has come before. Perhaps a good goal for this year is just consistency: What I commit to, commit totally, in small steps. "Keep moving forward" is all that matters. 

Repetition

"My prayer beads are strung on my life span.
I am not allowed to skip a single bead:
Sometimes the bead is a seed. Or a bone.
Or jade. Or dry blood. Or semen. Or crystal.
Or rotted wood. Or a sage's relic. Or gold.
Or glass. Or a prism. Or iron. Or clay. Or an eye.
Or an egg. Or dung. Or a ball. Or a stone.
Or a peach. Or a bullet. Or a bubble.
Or lead. Or pure light.
No matter what the next bead is, I must count it,
Perform my daily austerities.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Until repetition becomes endurance."

No doubt many people look at us Catholics and our rosaries--what my nana said my great-great-grandfather, a Mason, would call devil beads--and say we are babbling like heathens. What they fail to understand is that in the tracking of our prayers this way, we have choices: To engage our minds, to engage our senses; To focus on the life of Christ and God's mysteries therein; To pray to God, along with Mary, for and to her Son; To illuminate the meanings of the words of the prayers, and their applications to my own life.

So far I am not so strict in a practice of daily disciplines, letting the seasons of my life dictate my involvement in prayer. As I face the uncertainties--and austerities--of the coming year, may I not fear to embrace as fully as possible the prayer life I have chosen as an expression to my God. It will be much needed--indeed, it already is--by me and by all! 

Prejudice

"No mother thinks her child ugly.
No one is indifferent to themselves."

I must confront prejudice and discrimination within myself before I can extend help and hope to others. It has been the most difficult part of my life, overcoming the hatred and derision of others based on flawed perceptions of identity. Whatever their basis, such untruths we project are an affront to God. Step by step, they must be transformed. 

Indifference

"For a true master,
Sitting on a throne
Is no different than
Sitting on dirt."

When I embrace God, I become who I truly am--who I was created by Him to be. This transcends all worldly perceptions, including my own. Getting comfortable with that transcendence is one of the greatest challenges of faith, I think. If there were ever a time to face it, that time is now. Here I am, Lord. 

Charlatans

"He sits on a throne with smug confidence.
Skin is bright gold, eyes are reptilian marbles.
Lips are smeared with honey, tongue is virile red.
He exhorts his followers to purge inhibitions.
'Whatever you feel is Tao, and should be indulged.'
They scream, they sob, they dance madly.
'Yes! Yes!' he exclaims. 'Whatever you do is Tao!'"

Sound familiar? When people under the influence of evil spar for power and control, we must remember Who is all, and Who is for all. 

Be

"Tao is within us; Tao surrounds us.
Part of it may be sensed,
And is called manifestation.
Part of it is unseen,
And is called void.

To be with Tao is harmony.
To separate from Tao is disaster.
To act with Tao, observe and follow.
To know Tao, be still and look within."

I think we can be sure that God is with us, if we but seek Him first. 

Nonduality

"Don't contemplate
As mere activity.
Be void contemplating void."

It is the most joyous thing to discover that "The spirit of God is within you." In Christianity we have the duality of Jesus as fully human and fully divine, and yet we also believe that there are three persons in the one God. Is it really any wonder that His nature should also take place in each of us, whom He created to be like his Son, through the power of the Spirit? 

Threshold

"Why mourn for a cocoon
After the butterfly has flown?"

People say we are seeing the death of American democracy, the end of our country. I think the fact is that what so many people think they recognize as "American" values have been either dead for a long time, or rotten at their core.  With this change, perhaps we get to transform them. It will be a long, painful, deathly process, but necessary and ultimately hopeful. 

Composure

"Although they may have to kill
Or suffer themselves to be killed,
A person of composure remains compassionate.
Nothing is ever destroyed,
Nothing is ever created.
All is infinity."

Having a people-centered job has taught me a lot about how to:



At the same time, I can't help wishing that I were more dispassionate, that my sense of detachment were healthier. It would be easier to accept injustice. But right now I'm not so sure it's supposed to be easier. It's all too easy to say, "Life isn't fair," and have done with it. I'm here to tell you I think life does not have to be unfair. I consider it my job to make life as fair as I possibly can--so, I refuse to stop caring. I will detach only when I see that I can do no more. I will stay calm only in my assuredness that I must continue to fight. 

Ownership

"A small boy drives
A hundred ducks to the lake
With a tasseled stick: A mass of excited white."

With all I do and feel, I must remember that ultimately God is in control. 

Runaway

"They call her useless
And yet push for achievement.
'I want a baby.'
They bicker between themselves,
And reproach her for being distant.
They dwell on money,
And indenture her to loyalty.
'I can't stand this every day.'
She is innocent.
They have ambitions."

Sometimes it is not even enough to keep pushing through devastation. Sometimes I have to stop. Yes, it makes me feel disloyal and useless, but how can I stay focused when I am exhausted? Sometimes to turn away from the demands of the world--even those I have imposed on myself--for a time, at least, can be a gift. It can be a sign of strength, and of longing to do right even when I don't have the energy on my own. 

Poetry

"Anything is subject for a poem:
A catalog of boxing equipment, a collage of other poems,
Serpentine trail of incense, raised deer fur, old shoes pointed pigeon-toed,
Glass and steel cityscape, almond eyes of a saint, weeping of tiny flowers,
Sunlight on whitewashed walls, blue shadows of stooped women,
A sprung mouse trap, a trickle of blood in the gutter,
The homing swoop of a gull, chill whitecapped bay, scent of eucalyptus.
Green lawn of broken blades, clods of fat earth,
Anything is subject for a poem.

Even in sleep, write a poem.
When waking, write a poem.
While loving, write a poem.
Even voting, write a poem.
When angry, write a poem.
While dreaming, write a poem."

"Even voting, write a poem." If I had a poem in me right now, I would write about that point of light in the future where we could look back at this dreadful time and see it as a step toward making our country stronger, better, more loving...more healed. This country needs to heal from the wounds of its past. There is no moving forward without that healing, once and for all.

Decline

"Fog chills heaven to gray,
Nights come earlier.
Everyone knows decline,
But few discern its border."

As events unfold around me (and within me) I ask myself how much worse things can get. I forget that the most important thing is to never mind that--to just keep contributing to the better part, and not to berate myself for only small steps taken in the right direction. 

Abundance

"Sun in heaven.
Abundance in great measure.
Supreme success
In the midst of impermanence."

Some people choose to say, "Why bother?" because of how quickly our lifetimes pass. I choose to act, for what may remain for others after I have gone. While I struggle to find the right action, I struggle, too, against the same impulse to give up. It's as present in me as in those who use it as their guide; the difference, perhaps, is my abundant striving. While I live, I cannot stop. Even at rest, my energy abounds. 

Immigrant

"Magic doesn't work in this new place.
Native poetry has lost rhythm and rhyme,
Familiar food is labeled a curiosity,
And hostile stares replace familial love.
To be an immigrant
Is to be solitary in the midst of millions."

I should imagine many of us are feeling solitary and lost at present, not understanding or realizing how far down our values and the "magic" they give us have sunk beneath a loam of greed, lust, selfishness, and pride. As human as anyone, I also struggle to come to grips with this, until I realize that that magic doesn't come down to us like lightning bolts from the old man in the sky; the magic is in us to do for each other, as long as we reach out to use it. 

Form

"At first, form is needed.
Then doubt and inhibition must be dispelled.
Eventually, form is celebrated with joy,
And expression becomes formless."

As a Catholic, I have always been drawn to formal prayers, because they give me structure and focus and a sense of wholeness or completeness in my approach to God. They allow me to part with a focus on myself, and adjust to the pursuit of higher things. At the same time, I recognize that my journey with and approach to Him will not truly be complete or whole until I feel comfortable to be before him in the fullness of my humanity. May the formal prayers I so love and depend on help me strengthen my confidence in my approach to Him every day. 

Absolute

"They say, 'You are god.'
But everyone is.
They say, 'All is god."
Then why are there differences?
They say, 'All is an illusion.'
But does that include god?"

Sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. Sometimes I think He is choosing what He wants to reveal to me; other times I think I'm only choosing what I want to see. Either way I feel trapped, yet still I persevere, because I believe in something higher and greater and better than us all, which will ultimately prevail. The best thing I can do is keep growing in my perception of that, so that with greater revelation comes greater freedom. Perhaps, after all, we are always choosing together. 

Variation

"Never jump out of the same hole twice."

Growing up, I was sure I did not have the right gifts, or any gifts at all. Meaning: I only ever felt blessed by my circumstances or things outside; I didn't understand that I could bring good things from within. Now I realize I have many gifts I still do not use. As I continue to strive to discover and use them all, I am grateful to have this space for a variety of expressions. 

Trap

"Age is covered with cosmetics,
Gray hidden with dye,
Confidence is sought in men,
Awareness deferred for the future.
She toils on her job,
Enduring tension and fatigue,
Subsisting on tranquilizers,
Pinning future hopes on her children."

All I have ever wanted is to do the right thing. Along the path to doing so it's almost impossible to avoid becoming ensnared and lose one's vision--not literally, but of the heart. As I do this blog, aspiring to other disciplines, too, as I move through these uncertain times, my grief and pain gradually subside and the eyes of my heart flutter open once again. May they stay clear. 

Essence

"When admiring a painting,
Don't examine the paint.
When meeting an artist,
Don't look at the brush."

To live another day is to strive to go beyond: What I thought before, what I have done until now, what I believe or grew up believing. Only when I have spent sufficient time in reflection will I be ready to step into the full flow of events and currents in life. I choose a path, and try to choose wisely, but I must always be ready to choose again, to choose more and better.

Evolution

"Organic molecules from cosmic clouds,
Millions of years in the midst of eternity.
We sprang from the primordial;
Our spirituality came in the evolution."

There is intricacy in this process, and complexity, but it doesn't have to be complicated. I think we complicate things ourselves sometimes with noisy thoughts, false dichotomies, and constant parsing. Acceptance is required for forward movement, which, when honored, takes care of itself, its own time and momentum. 

Scorn

"Why do you scorn others?
Can it be that you are that proud?
No matter how accomplished you are,
There are people ahead of you and behind you.
All beings on the path,
All victims of the same existence,
All with body, mind, and spirit.
No one is better than the next person.
Help others for all the times that you have been ignored.
Be kind to others, for all the times that you have been scorned."

While a minority of us might like to think of ourselves as victims, there is undoubtedly a particular set of shared challenges that go with the condition of being human. We certainly don't all experience all of them, or if we do, not all at the same time or in the same way; still, of what profit is it to be competitive and haughty?  The more readily we recognize and act upon what is honestly shared, the more humble we just might be. 

Clarity

"Can you see a sound?
Can you hear light?
Can you unite your senses?
Can you turn inward?"

I think I've reached a point of being willing to start again from zero, to build from the ground up, to give myself a second chance instead of always relying on Him to bail me out. I mean, I believe that perhaps He finally trusts me enough--because I finally trust Him enough--to let me do that. I've lost the baby at the beginning, perhaps the job at the end--so maybe this is the year of my great leveling. I always feel He is asking me to be ready to let go of everything. Sometimes, like now, that's the only thing that's clear, and this time I might actually have to do it, ready or not! 

Accomplishment

"The more you cultivate,
The more you accomplish.
Why doubt?
When distance separates you from others,
They cannot overtake you."

So often I find it difficult to pace myself through days where I am driven to do so much. I would like to stop pushing myself, and make more time for this and other practices which will allow me to center spiritually--not based on a need I have (although that definitely figures in, too,) but on a desire to be of loving service to all, so that the actions I do consistently match the prayers I raise. 

Invisibility

"Invisibility is the best advantage.
But if forced to a confrontation,
Come out with all your skill."

I am at a time at work where all my skills and knowledge as a teacher are being severely taxed. I feel tapped out, and like what I've done in the past is no longer working, while what I try to do instead is ineffective as well. At a time when I was failing in my personal life--i.e., not where I wanted to be--I would just pray to disappear. Now I'm starting to feel that professionally as well. I'm doing everything I know how to do to wade through it gracefully, so that I can be comfortable with both my presence in one place, and my absence from another. I pray for an openness and a willingness to transition, in a spirit of hope and peace, with gratitude. 

Unexpectant

"Meditate with no thought of gain.
Expect no ambitions to be fulfilled;
Only then will the inner force manifest."

I have written before about how overwhelming the love of God can be; a friend of mine recently shared her thoughts that even in the thick of our prayers we still withhold ourselves from Him in ways we barely understand. I think the trickiest part is to stop expecting God to do what we want, or to do what makes sense to us. I mean, He gave us reason, yet it seems we must transcend it to connect with Him. I am willing, but never ready. Hopeful, but always fearful. My lack of expectations can lead me to despair. When I have learned to thrill to the power of the unknown, I will be ready to meet it, and Him, at last.