Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Progression

"When meditation stales,
Change methods quickly."

I've written before about how I tend to be undisciplined, not sticking often to a daily practice of prayer. I beat myself up for it sometimes, but now I'm starting to see it might be better to vary things than to stick to a routine that has lost its savor and meaning. There must be infinite choices and ways to connect with the divine. It's a gift to be able to even begin to explore them all. 

Transformation

"You hurt me years ago;
My wounds bled for years.
Now you are back,
But I am not the same."

The other day I got an email from someone I had blocked on Facebook years ago. There was nothing horribly wrong with our relationship, just a lack of boundaries at a time when we really needed them and didn't use them well. So while I wasn't happy to see the email, it didn't shock or panic me, either. I now feel free to ignore it, and move on. 

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Merging

"Take the sun. Put it in your heart.
Take the moon. Pull it to your belly.
Draw down the Big Dipper.
Merge with the Northern Star."

The best things I've ever read say we are made of stardust. For this reason I strive to be at peace with everything. When I can't be, I at least continue to strive toward that final peace which is such a mystery to us, each and all. 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Horizon

"Single line drawn from one ocular corner to the other.
White clouds firmly tethered to shadows.
What is close at hand must first appear on the horizon.
What is cast upon us always has a source."

Right now I can't see what's on the horizon of my life. I can see the source of some of the problems I'm having right now, and I'm trying to address them before they grow. Sometimes it's not as simple as taking the long view. It's what I do when blindsided that shows my greatest character. 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Completion

"Only when the last spoke
Has been fitted to the wheel,
Is there completion."

I constantly try to remind myself that the stopping of one thing does not necessarily mean a total loss. It's been a tough lesson for me to internalize so that I can keep moving forward. Makes me wish I'd had access to this metaphor sooner--now, instead of looking at the end of something as leaving it behind, I'll know I'm really just adding another spoke to my wheel. 

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Teaching

"Give back what you've learned.
Share your experience."

As a teacher, as a part of any relationship, I have always striven to share fully. Doing so often leaves me exhausted and, oddly, filled with self-doubt. There are people in my life who told me, even before I became one, that I would be a natural teacher. But I have learned that, while teaching certainly takes an abundance of patience, it also requires a confidence I have never possessed. My students always know I'm just as vulnerable as they are. That's dangerous for all of us, even though the vulnerability is what makes any learning possible in the first place. While the unreserved generosity is good, it leaves me powerless if stretched to its outer limits. For now, I can seek refuge in my writing, and in my efforts to hone other skills; but, having been brought face to face with the weaknesses of my teaching, I may find these other things not a refuge but a means of survival. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Radiance

"The moon shines at midday.
The master blesses the people."

I do my best to seek signs of God's presence in everything and everyone. It's not always easy to keep my heart open, but perhaps the most radiant thing in God's sight is the doing of the difficult. For the ability--and the grace--to keep doing it, I give thanks. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Environment

"How can you live
With the constant noise of traffic?
The stench of garbage?
The sight of buildings instead of mountains?
The movement of streets instead of rivers?
The feel of pavement instead of earth?"

I think that as we are God's children, we are also children of the Earth. Everything on it and in it is our family and our home. In my efforts to take care of both it and my place in it, I constantly ask myself what's really necessary. As I do, I find myself gradually growing in a holier, healthier direction. I pray this also may be available to everyone, even amid all the worries and fears for the future. We were made to be together, and it's the grossest perversion that we don't recognize that--competing instead for all of what was here long before we were. It's terrifying and sad. We will only end up hurting ourselves. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Duration

"The sun shines half a day,
The moon dominates the rest.
Even contemplation
Should have its proper duration."

Every day I pray for the grace to endure something difficult. I know I already have, but my particular prayer usually comes in the form of, "I know I have done things much harder than this," at moments when I feel overwhelmed. My life may seem easy in comparison with some, but I tell you it is the hardest thing in the world always to feel ready for more, only to see that it still hasn't come. I continue to take small steps forward, and I am learning to stop asking myself if it will ever be enough. Part of that makes me feel dead inside, but perhaps some of that is necessary. I am willing to accept it, for now. Still, I won't stop asking Him. 

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Focus

"Two chess masters confront each other
Without music, chorus, or sound.
Chairs do not squeak,
Audience does not talk.
Why, then, do people meditate carelessly?"

Tonight I have been given something important to do on behalf of a friend. After a successful start to my new business, a hopeful outlook toward another year of teaching, and a growing sense of my own agency and effectiveness at last, I can't afford to forget Who's in charge. 

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Uncarved

"Once a statue is finished,
It is too late to change the arms.
Only with a virgin block
Are there possibilities."

When I read things like the above, sometimes I get discouraged--telling myself what the world tells me: That it is too late for certain things, or soon will be. At these moments, I must remind myself Whose creature I truly am. 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Measure

"Birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, festivals
Measure our progress on the path."

I mentioned yesterday that I find myself less likely to feel I have fallen short. Perhaps that is because I have finally learned to measure my blessings appropriately. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Stillness

"Wind stirs the bamboo,
But once the wind passes,
The bamboo is silent.
Geese land in the chill pond,
But once the geese fly away,
There are no reflections.
In the same way,
Once the red dust passes,
The mind is still."

No doubt some might look at this and say it seems all too easy. I think God and His universe have a way of forcing rest upon us when we need it. I know I have succumbed to that many times, and I feel I have finally started learning to understand it, so that I can be more effective in my actions. I am grateful for the progress I have made, which gives me confidence to take on greater challenges. I am determined to be ready. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

History

"Autumn trees swept with dawn
Look as if they've been lacquered,
Rooted around an old battlefield.
The mists linger here like ghosts."

I think we all have to make the best of being here, no matter how history conspired to throw our various ancestors together. The difficulty of doing so transcends even such helpful and necessary terms as cross-generational trauma and witness fatigue. We tell each other we must never forget, yet without the courage to make something new from the carnage, there is no reason to remember.


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Whole

"I hate the way this chicken comes
All bagged in plastic
Without head or feet:
Neck, heart, liver, and gizzard
Stuck into its cavity.
No wonder people feel unconnected."

I've long held onto the thought that most of us are just in various stages of recovery from the trauma of being born, and struggling to integrate our experiences in such a way that we can live peacefully, if not comfortably, in a world where we seem constantly to be bombarded by forces and events beyond our control. To maintain a sense of who I am, perhaps I must be willing to discover ever more about myself, and share it with the world around me. Perhaps to connect is to participate in increasing the wholeness and integrity of each and every creature. There is no reward without risk, no completion of the puzzle without the first piece. 

Monday, February 13, 2017

Moon

"Silver disk: Let me call you goddess--
You, with your mirrored face.
Tonight, of all nights, your shape is perfect,
Your presence sublime.
You know it, too. You appear before the sun has even set,
Glorious without your cloak of night,
Gazing down in supreme splendor,
To make this dusty world pastoral."

This morning as I made my way to school on the bus, I caught a glimpse of the moon still hanging in the morning sky, its contours standing out like puffs of icy cloud far away. I felt blessed by the reminder of a restful night not far off, even as another day was just beginning.


Sunday, February 12, 2017

Obscurity

"Writings about Tao are purposefully obscure.
Why? Because the writers cherish Tao.
The path is difficult to ensure worthiness.
The lazy look elsewhere.
The persevering find riches."

When I became Catholic, I knew it would be difficult, but I did not care. All I wanted was to be close to God. He certainly has made me to persevere, and I will never give up because I know where the riches are and I want to be worthy. It sounds so simple, I'm sure some people would call it silly, but to me it is the essence of life. 

Solitude

"There are no ancients before me,
No followers behind:
Only the vastness of heaven and earth
On this mountain terrace.
Though heaven may know the ultimate,
Joy or sorrow is our own will."

I was single for a long time, unwillingly, but I still did my best to be good at it. I have always tried to do what I thought was right, regardless of how I felt. Still, sometimes--nay, often--I would feel so badly that I figured--literally then--that no one cared what I did at all. When I got to feeling like that, I did my best to convince myself that the caring was my own responsibility. It still is, but it's awfully nice to have been given a chance, and a choice, to share. 

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Helixes

"Three subtle energy currents:
Twin helixes around a jade pillar.
This glowing presence
Is the force of life itself."

My own sister always says, "The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." I believe it. 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Determination

"Lady butterfly,
I saw you a week ago.
Now you are back,
With your lover,
In tandem flights
And helical tangents:
How many times
You return gladly!"

The work I have to do, I will keep doing. I will do more. I am only ever so grateful that I no longer have to do it alone. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Commitment

"Maiden plucks folk tune on steel strings,
Crickets chant like monks.
I've walked into autumnal contentment,
Yet a young boy seeks guidance."

As I enter this time of taking on new things, may I draw on His love, wisdom, energy and truth like never before. I already feel my soul being refreshed and abounding in hope at new possibilities.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Sweeping

"Gold dawn disk edges purple cliffs.
Old woman bends to sweep temple steps.
She bathes each stone with loving care.
How many worshipers think of her work?"

At the parish I attended in Frankfurt, I remember the pastor often inviting us to reflect on our favorite images of Jesus, or our own ways of imagining Him. One he returned to again and again, citing the verse I chose for today, was Jesus as the chambermaid--as someone who lovingly waits and makes ready for us.

To me this was always exceptionally sweet and surprising, not only because of the obvious gender-bending at play, but also because, from what little I know of a certain period of my grandma's life before she became my grandma, she worked for a short time as a chambermaid at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego. I was blessed to see in her ever after a model of loving and devoted service--one I understood as so very Christlike whenever I heard the pastor's message.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Modesty

"Have you ever had a knot in your shoelace?
You have to bend down to untie it."

I think the pursuit of humility should be natural: Not a matter of outward show, but a cultivation of inner attitudes and sparks to action. True modesty will manifest itself in self-expression--not in how one holds back or stifles oneself, but in how one values oneself.

I learned this in a spiritual direction encounter one time. The nun I was working with told me I had a very good self-image. I had never thought about it before, and felt a little embarrassed. Then I realized she was right, because I should. The standards I hold should keep me humble and modest, not serve to inflate me. The goodness in the self-image stands when my own view is balanced. As I continue to face challenges, I can serve infinitely better if I give due recognition to my own growth in grace to meet them. 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Nature

"My back is stooped from scholarship,
My eyes are dimmed by history's words.
Surrounded though I may be by learning,
I still cannot compare with nature's perfection."

Only a fool would even try to compare his or her own endeavors with those of nature. It's true we are all the work of His hands, but our own works can only ever be an homage to Him. May I never miss a chance, or a choice, to pause and recognize how small, but how integral, I truly am: As a part of nature, not a master of it; with a responsibility for and to it, not a power over it. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Style

"An old man sits on a granite step.
He plucks a treasured guitar.
The strings throb with feeling;
He needs no audience to open his heart.

A boy enthusiastically wants to learn his style.
'Style?' asks the man slowly. 'My style is made of
The long road of life, of heartbreak
And joy, and people loved, and loneliness.
Of war and its atrocities.
Of a baby born.
Of burying parents and friends.
My scale is the seven stars of the dipper
The hollow of my guitar is the space between heaven and earth.
How can I show you my style?
You have your own young life.'"

I think this is the best reminder that whatever I do, I must do with authenticity. That requires nothing if not humility. The combination invites me to make the most of every small step, joy, and opportunity, and to greet the unexpected with hope and curiosity.

Appreciation

"The sun rose and set today in twelve hours.
We plucked golden pears from arching branches.
Climbing a thousand steps to a rustic temple,
We made our offerings to the gods.

At nightfall, we sat in warm companionship.
A crescent moon joined our circle.
Dipping water from the silver-braided stream,
We set it bubbling in an earthenware pot.

It's not easy to brew good tea,
But this teapot has a venerable history:
A scholar once pawned all his books for it.
Now it imparts the flavor of antiquity."

Doing good work and being honest with one another--if there is a simpler basis for a good and holy life, I don't know what it is. I do know that what I'm grateful for is a better chance to hone the basics while I wait for more. If it never comes, even being honest about my struggle, I will still choose to say thanks.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Innocence

"Black and orange butterfly--
Flying joyously.
Wings like a nun's hands:
First folded in prayer,
Then open in offering."

I was at Mass once where the priest quoted George Harrison: "Everything can wait but the search for God." Though I've seldom thought of it this way, I'll take this now as a reminder to look for the innocence in everyone. If I am to show mercy, as these times and their events demand, then I must learn to see with the eyes of the One who made me, to hear with His ears and feel with His heart. There is nothing better or greater to do anytime, but especially now. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Noninterference

"I love this lake,
Basin of heavenly tears,
Tilted from lunar pull
Jostling its shore.

I love these mountains,
Stark rock outcroppings,
Sculpted by the oceans,
Lifted at some unknown time,
Isolated in a field of vetch,
Cleaved by silver falls.

A sentinel owl regards me unblinkingly,
And beyond, alpine forests form a cadence
To a distant moon."

I cannot say how many times I have thought or expressed that I wish no harm on anyone currently operating in this new and truly terrifying administration; I wish only that they might become well and truly acquainted with the full extent of the consequences of their proposed actions, both those to come and those already in painful progress. Until then, I can only increase my commitment to preserving my own and our country's principles while countering those who would seek to undermine them. This is a prayer for peaceful coexistence among those who join in the efforts to do both.