Tuesday, July 21, 2020

59. Be Ambitious for Joy

"To experience joy as a parent
you must be free of ambition;
for yourself
and for your children.
Ambition stiffens the muscles
and makes the spirit brittle.
You cannot move with ease
in the winds of change.

But if you release ambition
you can use all of life,
good and bad,
as fuel for the fires of joy.
Because you demand nothing
you have everything,
as do your children.

Do you have ambitions,
hidden or not so hidden,
for yourself or for your children?
Are they reasonable?
What will happen if they are not achieved?
The adolescent years
are filled with discouragement.
Children often compare themselves
to impossible standards
of achievement, beauty, and popularity.
Don't encourage these comparisons.
Encourage joy."

Perhaps the wisest and bravest thing I have ever done is let go of my ambitions. I was expected, and indeed encouraged, to have them--even as early bereavements ravaged my adolescence with discouragement, fear, and pain I continue to feel to this day. The biggest part of my healing has been laying to rest my ambitions. As I have done so, new dreams, visions, goals have unfurled. I recognize now that they are not mine, but they are the gifts of the life I have been given to lead. From this recognition, I take the most joy. It is this recognition and awareness I can bequeath my daughter. I am grateful to have something so profound from my own learning to offer her. 

Monday, July 20, 2020

58. You Can Only Demonstrate

"If you carry great expectations
for your children,
they will carry great burdens.
If you try to make them good,
you will create instead their vices.

Let your teaching be subtle.
Let your strength reside
in your flexibility.
Let your virtues be natural
and not affected.

If your children are treated
with modesty,
grace,
forgiveness,
and joy,
what are they likely to learn?

There is nothing more important
than the integrity of your life.
You cannot teach,
impose,
control,
coerce,
or force
any virtue.
You can only demonstrate.
Put your best effort forth
on your own actions,
not those of your children."

With my guidance, my daughter will form her own convictions. In order for her to be herself, I can only show her how I've become me. I want to share my heart and my experiences, not mere ideas or ideals. I want my daughter to know not only that she has gifts, but also, and most importantly, that she is a gift.


57. Reward and Punishment

"Be careful of rules for your children.
Rules diminish responsibility.
Be careful of rewards for your children.
Rewards diminish self-esteem.
Be careful of punishments for your children.
Punishments diminish trust.

Let lessons be imposed
by the nature of things,
not by your own agendas
or your own needs.
Integrity will replace rules.
Contentment will replace striving.
Spirituality will replace religion.
Songs will replace arguments.
Dances will replace battles.

Don't tell me this is overly simple.
Perhaps the most courageous act
of any parent's life
will be that moment
when, even though it breaks your heart,
you stand aside
and let your children
take the natural consequences
of their actions."

I think sometimes that the best way I can be an effective example for my children is to show them how to observe the natural consequences of their actions, and teach them how to respond accordingly. The purpose of whatever rules, rewards, punishments, or agendas I may set (or we may set together) is only to reinforce all of that--by making sure my children understand whatever consequences befall them. In my own life I have found that understanding brings integrity, contentment and--beyond mere religion or spirituality--deep faith, including, and perhaps most importantly, in myself. If I can model this for my children I will have left them a legacy that not only allows but also encourages them to rise to every occasion, whatever its nature may be. 

Saturday, July 18, 2020

56. You Have Lessons to Learn

"The lessons we most want to teach our children
are the ones we have not yet learned ourselves.
So we continually try to teach
what we do not know.

This is futile.
Try instead to refrain from talking.
Look carefully at the situation.
Listen attentively.
Let your mind be open to new understandings.
You will learn what you need to know.
And you will thus teach your children
how to learn their own lessons.

Nothing teaches children more
than a parent who is willing to learn.
What behavior in your children
makes you anxious?
What does that tell you
about yourself?"

I have always known that I wanted to do with my own children at least some things (okay, many) differently from the way my parents did them. This has been and always will be part of my desire to become a parent. This blog represents my efforts to let those things unfold. I look to the future with hope. 

Friday, July 17, 2020

55. Your Children Have Lessons to Teach

"Your children have important lessons to learn,
but even more important ones to teach.

What can they teach?
How to pay complete attention.
How to play all day without tiring.
How to let one thing go,
and move onto another
with no backward glances.
How to move and sit
with no tension in the muscles,
no stress in the bones.

Thus the wise parent learns,
and grows
younger every day.

How happy would your life become
if every time you taught your children
a new idea or skill from your world,
you stopped and watched until
they taught you one from theirs?
What will you learn from them today?"

There is a story I read once, about an older sibling who would go into the nursery to visit their newborn sibling and say, "Baby, tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget." Sometimes I want to say the same to my daughter. One day, when she asks me about God, I'm going to tell her about this story. Whatever she comes to believe about a higher power, I want her to understand that she, like all of us, comes from a divine source.

Thursday, July 16, 2020

54. Create Clarity and Encourage Freedom

"Virtue comes from within your children.
It is a natural part of their being.
It can never be taken from them.
It follows them wherever they travel.
It guides them in all circumstances.
It will cause their life to flourish
and be filled with joy.

Amidst the hundreds of voices
clamoring for their attention saying,
'This way. No, that way,'
your children will learn
to trust their own hearts.
Thus they will act wisely.
You need not worry.

How can you keep from worry?
Look inside yourself.

We don't trust natural goodness.
We think it must be imposed from without.
But all foolish decisions and choices
grow from confusion and fear.
And confusion and fear are amplified
by constant pushing and preaching.
Is there a way you can help
create clarity and encourage freedom?"

I hope my daughter will learn to trust her own heart, better than I learned to trust mine. I constantly asked myself, how could I trust something that was so broken? Only through my many spiritual and faith experiences have I learned to get back in touch with my natural goodness and accept the substance of my own heart, so dangerously available as it has been through all my accumulated vulnerabilities and hurts. As I have learned to practice vulnerability, and by so doing actively heal my  hurt and grief, my heart has begun to be restored. I consider it a blessing to be able to share both this process, and the results of it, with my family. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

53. Don't Make It Harder Than It Needs to Be

"Everyone wants to be a wise parent
but few choose this path.
This is unfortunate
for it is an easy path,
filled with joy
and with many rewards.
But it is easy to become sidetracked.
Distractions are everywhere.
As the external pressures mount
be sure to notice what occurs.

Do you pursue career advancement
while your children choose harmful paths?
Do you buy expensive toys
to medicate your feelings
while your children become
lost in the clutter?
Do you sink into depression
while your children hunger for joy?

Don't make parenting harder than it needs to be.
It only requires focus.
Worry is not focus.
Attempting to control is not focus.
Distracting yourself is not focus.
Relaxed, non-fretful, attention
to what is in front of you
right now,
is focus.
What is in front of you right now?
No, not your worries or frets,
what is right here,
right now?"

I have found that once I got the process down, caring for my daughter is surprisingly uncomplicated. I'm sure that will change as she grows and she continues to bring her own evolving complexity into the relationship. As this happens I hope I can remember that parenting is not a one-way street. It doesn't happen to my daughter. It's something I do with her, by her side, and she by mine.

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

52. All Is Well

"All beings belong to the Tao
always.
Sorrow begins
when parents forget this.

Forgetting that you belong,
you cast about for security
and cannot find it.
You look to your children
to bring you meaning,
and they cannot do it.
Seeing your pain,
they forget as well
and everyone is in darkness.

But if you can remember
that all is,
has been,
and will be,
well.
You will bring light to yourself
and to your children.

My father always worried
about the future.
I learned his lesson well.
It has taken me years to unlearn,
and still I forget.
What will your children have to unlearn?
How can you begin now to help them?"

I have often thought that it's because of all the unlearning I had to do, that I had to wait so long to become a parent. This is not to say that I have, or will ever have, unlearned everything. But I have had by now plenty of time to focus on my own learning and growth. I sense that I was doing this for my children, so that I wouldn't have to do it with them. Now I will be able to give them so much more of myself. 

Monday, July 13, 2020

51. Children Naturally Love Life

"Your children naturally love life.
Their love of life is spontaneous
and unconscious.
It delights in every nuance of light
and color.
It wonders at every shape
and form.
It dances in their bodies
without self-consciousness.
They are not taught this love.
It cannot be taught,
only lived.

If you live this love for your children
you will guide them,
but never demand a certain response.
You will welcome them,
but never smother them.
You will give birth to them,
but never possess them.
You will nurture their dreams
and guard their self-respect.
They will honor you naturally,
not because of who you are,
but because of who they are.

Don't worry about how your children treat you.
Concentrate on how you treat yourself.
If your children see in you
a sincere celebration of who you are,
they will return eventually
to their natural joy,
in themselves and in you."

I delight in observing the things my daughter especially responds to in her environment: The color yellow, the Beastie Boys, any food she tastes. The way clothes hang in the closet, or on me. Having never felt concretely that I myself was much to celebrate, I hope that by showing her how to celebrate these small but significant everyday things, events, and moments I can show her the inherent value of every living creature, and help her contribute meaningfully to the joy and comfort of every being around her. 

Sunday, July 12, 2020

50. Letting Go

"If you are always worried
about your children's safety,
you will bind yourself,
and them,
in cords of tension.
If you try to hold them
always close to you,
you will bring yourself,
and them,
only pain.
If you release them
to live their life fully,
and face their death serenely,
your nights will be filled
with restful sleep.

The more I grasped my children
and my own desires for life,
the more dangerous life appeared.
As I gradually let go
plots and plans
and welcomed whatever came,
the safer life became for all of us."

I have heard God defined as "the One Who protects you from nothing, but sustains you through everything." Based on my own experience, including the long and tortuous learning curve I have had toward letting go, I would say this is true. Where I have managed to be protected, or to protect myself, it's only because I may have been granted some measure of prudence, as a gift. Looking back I can say I wish I might have leaned more consciously on God's sustenance, in order to use my prudence more like a gift than like mere protection. But I have made it this far, with a chance to do better than ever each day. I'm so grateful. 

Saturday, July 11, 2020

49. Giving Respect

"When your children behave,
give them respect and kindness.
When your children misbehave,
give them respect and kindness.

When they are hateful,
love them.
When they betray your trust,
trust them.

The River of Life nurtures
everything it touches,
without asking for anything.
You will be happy and content
if you do the same.

Believe this difficult truth.
Showing respect in the face of disrespect,
love in the face of hate,
trust in the face of betrayal,
and serenity in the face of turmoil,
will teach your children more
than all the moral lectures
by all the preachers
since the dawn of time."

It isn't easy to model behavior for a toddler who thrives on pushing boundaries. It isn't easy to stay calm and present enough to honor the boundaries I expect her likewise to abide by. Just like my daughter, I am still learning. Knowing that, how can I do less than respect, love, and trust her, no matter what? She will grow into it all, as I still am. What else is there to do in this life? 

Friday, July 10, 2020

48. Less Is More

"Your children do not need more.
Each day adds more facts,
more gadgets,
more activities,
more desires,
and more confusion
to their lives.

Your task is to subtract.
Each day seek to remove,
to clarify,
to simplify.
Society's wisdom adds,
and confusion grows.
The wisdom of the Tao subtracts,
and serenity flourishes.

If each day one minute less
was spent doing something.
And one minute more
was spent being present,
in simple pleasures,
with your children.
In two months
you would transform your life,
and theirs.
One minute less."

I hope, as she grows, to remind my daughter continually of that which is truly important. I lose perspective often, however, and in those moments I remind myself, I am the least. I am struggling. I am in need. I hope, as I parent, to practice this proverb which I have found so helpful in all my relationships, especially the one I have with myself: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." To me this means not necessarily to reward my daughter when she succeeds or when she does something I like (although I'm sure I'll do plenty of that, too); but rather to uphold her when she is struggling, to edify her when she is lost, in pain, sad, or scared. To recognize her in those moments when, perhaps, she is the least. To understand that, at some moments of our lives, we all are the least. But we can all do more to hold each other up. 

Thursday, July 9, 2020

47. Providing For

"Your children will make many demands
upon your time and energy.
'Do this for us.
Buy this for us.'
They believe that these things
are what they want from you.
And you may begin
to believe it too.

But what they really want
is your innermost heart,
given in vulnerable, honest love.
This is not given
by doing or buying.
The more you do,
the less gets done.
The more you buy,
the less you have.
But if you reveal
your true nature,
you provide them everything.

Of course there are times,
when I do for my children.
It is often my great pleasure.
But the things remembered,
the treasured moments
of sacred time,
have occurred
in the quiet
of gentle conversation,
and honest sharing."

Fast approaching midlife I have so few of what a friend of mine calls, "the makers and the markers": No house of my own, no car for me to drive myself, savings enough only to cover emergencies. And yet, somehow, it's always enough. I have always tried hard to do what I think is the right thing, and to learn when I discover that what I thought was right turns out to be wrong. In this balance I strive to strike, I often feel that I may have less, but I am more. Being willing to let go makes room in my heart and life for the experiences that will truly enrich me.



Wednesday, July 8, 2020

46. Each Day Is a Dance

"When parents step outside the Way,
they begin to feel vulnerable.
They become afraid of,
and afraid for,
their children.

They lie awake at night,
afraid to confront,
to correct,
to love,
or to hold their children.
Each day they prepare for battle.

But when parents remain in the Way,
they face each day as a dance.
They have nothing to fear,
therefore they produce joy.

I remember many nights of worry.
I remember many days
of tiptoeing around issues,
not wanting to have a confrontation,
hoping I could avoid unpleasantness.
At times I even felt
these lovely persons
were my enemies,
hindering me
and making my life unhappy.
How foolish I was.
There was nothing to fear."

I think the first lesson of parenthood is that parenthood is messy. Having never been the neatest of persons--although goodness knows I have always tried and usually failed--I felt prepared to embrace this somewhat. What I had a harder time embracing was that it was okay not to do it "right": That my mistakes and flubs would pave the way for lessons to teach my daughter. I look back at my own upbringing and at how much of my existence was driven or ruled by fear: Of making mistakes, of being hurt, of making a fool of myself or being made a fool of. By now I know I have made enough mistakes to know how to fix them, I have been hurt enough to know something about how not to hurt others, I have been made a fool of enough times to know that making a fool of myself is one of the best things I could do. There is little I fear now besides not being available for it all. 

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

45. Perfection

"If you expect to have perfect children
you will be constantly disappointed
and your children
constantly frustrated.
If you realize that your children
are perfectly themselves
in every moment,
you and your children
will be at peace.

Step back and watch.
You will see that Life
naturally perfects Itself.

Your child's behavior may displease you.
It may even be destructive.
But it is what it is.
It is up to you to understand it
and to use it for good
for your child
and for you."

Growing up I was always expected to "do my best." But I never got the chance to arrive at my own notion or conviction about what that was. There was always an external exhortation or demand. What I wish for my daughter is to help her be in touch with herself at all times, so that she will know herself best, and have the tools to be all of who she is in the best possible way.


Monday, July 6, 2020

44. Find Your Own Meaning

"If you look to your children
to provide meaning for your life,
your life will be meaningless.
If you need them to be successful
to feel successful yourself,
you will always fail.

Your children were not born
to complete your life.
They were born to complete their own.
When you look inside and discover
that you have everything you need,
you will find your freedom.

As long as you perceive
that your life lacks something
you are in danger
of using your children
to satisfy that lack.
This is far too great a burden
for them to bear.
Are you looking to them
when you need to be looking
to yourself?"

For a long time I thought that having a family would complete my life. Instead I have learned, through my pursuit of faith, art, love, adventure, and service, that I am complete. I will encourage, admire, and rejoice in my daughter as she pursues her meaning. I am sure her journey, and my witness of it, will reveal even more aspects of my own. I welcome that, with gratitude. 

Sunday, July 5, 2020

43. Doing Nothing

"Doing nothing while your child fails
requires great courage
and is the way of wisdom.
Gentleness when your child misbehaves
requires great self-control
and is the way of power.

Do not succumb to
berating,
scolding,
interfering,
interrupting,
lecturing,
or controlling
your child.
Let your gentle presence
teach all that is necessary.

My father tried to teach me responsibility
by scrutinizing my every action
to make sure it was done right.
I didn't really learn responsibility
until I discovered the consequences
of doing it wrong.
Every mistake your child makes
is another step forward
on the long road to wholeness.
Every time you interfere
you both step backwards."

I know that resting is not doing nothing. At the same time, I am learning that it is best to rest from situations about which I can do nothing, from problems that I cannot solve, from needs that I cannot meet. I grew up under a similar scrutiny to that which this author describes. While it taught me the conscientiousness to say, "What went wrong? What can I do?" when confronted with a difficulty, I failed to learn that when I can't do anything, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me.

Further, I am learning (as a parent, as a partner, as a friend) that most of what people might classify as "misbehavior" is the result of miscommunication. When I misunderstand someone, or don't set an appropriate or firm boundary, or fail to observe the boundaries of someone else, mistakes result. Most of these are not "doing something wrong," but rather not controlling myself, not listening to the other person, not being gentle with either of us: Letting defenses go up and letting justifications rain down, getting distracted and not being present. Rest can bring me back to center. Doing nothing will help me heal. 

42. Befriend Solitude

"Learning to handle the many moods
and activities of life
requires solitude.

Do not let the demands
of an overly active world
rob your children of their peace.
Constant stimulation
without the balance of quietness
creates chaos.
The child who early befriends solitude
becomes one with all that is
and inherits everything.

First you must embrace solitude in your own life.
It is more difficult than you think.
Distractions are everywhere.
Even the mind is noisy.
Give your children time to play without agenda,
to read without purpose,
to daydream without limits,
and to discover without fear.
Allow yourself the same."

When I lived alone--truly alone, when I thought I would never have a partner or family--I learned something about how to be "poor in spirit" means to feel the need for God. Honestly I don't know how I would have made it through my loneliest days without feeling that need. I learned to make room for God in my life, and He has led me to and through everything I have and experience now. 

Friday, July 3, 2020

41. Finding Balance

"There are so many paradoxes in parenting
that it is difficult to find balance.
Some don't even try.
They just plunge ahead,
ignoring the subtle whispers of wisdom.
Others try half-heartedly,
but resort to old methods
when they get confused.
But some hear wisdom's quiet voice
and make it their own.

They find strength in softness,
power in flexibility,
perfection in mistakes,
success in failure,
clarity in confusion,
and love in letting go.

Parenting paradoxes abound.
Don't let appearances deceive you.
Things may not be at all as they seem.
What's going on with your children right now?
Are you sure?
Or are you just making assumptions?
Buried in the most difficult of times
are polished gems.
Lurking beneath serene surfaces
lie turbulent waters.
Stay balanced."

There are so many moments throughout the day where I'm not sure what to do. My number-one rule is to respond. Even if I get it wrong, my daughter will see me trying. I listen to her, I listen to myself. I get help when I feel I need it. What else can I do? 

Thursday, July 2, 2020

40. Quiet the Mind

"Our bodies produce
the bodies of our children.
Our noisy minds produce
the fears of our children.
But the Tao produces
the spirit of our children.

Still the body.
Quiet the mind.
Discover the spirit.

Meditation is not complicated
nor esoteric.
It is a natural skill,
practiced in many variations.
Breathe in and think, 'Be...'
Breathe out and think, '...still.'
Once you learn,
teach your children.
You don't have to call it meditation.
Call it, 'being still like a mountain.'
Bring forth their natural ability
to remain quiet and at rest.
(Yes, they can.
even if for brief periods.
Can you?)"

It's never been very easy for me to be idle. The drive to be doing something and working hard is strong. Still, I hope there's always peace in the way I go about things. This is what I want to model for my daughter: A certain deliberation, patience, and thoughtfulness so that she will feel cared for and considered, capable of acting with confidence and without fear.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

39. Are You in the Way?

"Wise parents let things unfold
with as little interference as possible.
They remain out of the way,
not calling attention to themselves.
Their children discover
the natural harmony of things,
and work out their conflicts
in ways that establish true peace.

When parents interfere,
and constantly meddle in their children's lives,
the natural order is forgotten.
Conflicts are escalated,
learning is curtailed,
and confusion reigns.

There are certainly times when we should guide.
We naturally want to protect our children,
and teach them what we have learned.
But it is best when we let that guidance
be as unobtrusive,
and gentle as possible.
Forcing lessons on our children
may get the immediate results we want.
But our children may be left without discernment,
unable to build internal strength of character.
What are your children in the midst of learning
now?
Are you in the way?"

I sometimes feel I have spent my entire life getting out of the way--out of everyone else's way, and then out of my own way. Now, especially, having become a disabled parent to an apparently non-disabled child, it seems my job is to get out of her way, too. I know I have struggled with things that she may not, so I might be able to offer her some uncommon wisdom. At the same time, I know that the world is in flux in a way that it hasn't quite been in over a hundred years--so the world I've brought her into holds struggles to come that I cannot imagine. Through our relationship we'll be equipped to face them. It's the only way forward.