Appearances

"Some look fierce, but are mild.
Some seem timid, but are vicious.
Look beyond appearances;
Position yourself for the advantage."

Once I had learned to distinguish between judgement and perception, I began to learn better how to manage certain situations, especially interpersonal ones. Perceptions can change; judgements can be final, damaging, and even fatal. 

Choosing

"One side of a ridge is cold and foggy,
The other is hot and dry.
Just by choosing where you stand,
You alter your destiny."

There is nothing I can say now that will underscore this enough. Though we have yet to see solid consequences from the most recent choice in America, their potential is already being traumatically felt. I can choose to respond in love or in fear, but while the choice itself may be clear, the course of action often isn't. I pray for greater clarity with each passing moment, and for the trust I need to act in good conscience. I pray this now over every single person in our country, a place where, at least on paper, the protection of our rights and choices has no equal. Are we responsible enough to live that now to the full? 

Internalizing

"People think they don't have to learn,
Because there is so much information available.
But knowledge is more possessing than information.
Only the wise move fast enough."

Lately I've spent a lot of time wondering at how often and how much I've internalized the wrong things. Blatant falsehoods and inaccuracies about my personhood: as a woman, and as a disabled one at that. I struggle with the notion that it's too late to change some vital parts of my internal landscape, in order to embrace the many challenges I believe are still before me. With the new year fast approaching, and a world--and a country--that seems to need us all more than ever, the changes cannot come too soon. I'm grateful to have recognized the need for them, and may I maintain the strength to act upon them, always. 

Conservation

"Don't let a thread fall without noticing it.
Don't rake dry brown leaves carelessly.
Think how difficult it was
For something to take this existence."

I come back to this again and again, but having lost my baby I couldn't agree more with the above. I have learned that it is one thing to become pregnant, entirely another to stay that way. Life is such a morass of resilience and delicacy, tenderness and wrath. If each step of my life is a commitment to that life, shouldn't it be life for all? I must do everything I can to preserve life as it is lived around and within me, but there is so little I control. Perhaps that lack of control is the difficulty; I must trust in the conditions of the moment, and build on them, to sustain life as long as I can. 

Smothered

"It's daybreak and already
The prostitutes are on the street,
Addicts are searching the corners with a feral glint.
An obese woman, winded from a few steps,
Passes an anxious man scavenging a garbage can--
Jester to winos in a fiefdom of pigeons.
The summer sky is obscured with leaden clouds."

I do my best to remind myself that making mistakes, and recovering from them, are parts of a normal, human, even loving process. An author-speaker friend of mine says he hopes his work helps people find the freedom "to embrace who they've always been, and to love what they've always loved." I believe this is our only job as people: To love. To be loved. And to be love to and for other folks who haven't found this freedom yet. I wouldn't be able to do this job if I didn't learn, heal and grow. 

Mandala

"What did I do today?
I exercised. I said goodbye
To a departing friend.
I went to market, ate my meals.
Took a walk. Took out the garbage.
Read a little. Meditated. Slept.
This was my mandala."

I have always loved to observe people in the midst of simple tasks: Washing dishes, opening doors, greeting each other. I'd like to learn to take greater pleasure in how such tasks configure themselves in my life each day. I think I would feel less pressed by "the big issues" if I were more willing to pay greater attention to my own small contributions each day: what patterns they form themselves into, and how those patterns converge into the larger whole. 

Gratitude

"When you drink water,
Remember its source."

Two words today: Standing Rock.

Three actions always: Faith. Hope. Love.

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Searching

"Where is Tao right now?
You say that it is all around me, but I
Only see my surroundings, only feel my own heartbeat.
Can you show me Tao without reasoning it out of my mind?
Can you help me see it here and now?
Can you help me feel it as doubtlessly as I touch?
You argue that Tao is beyond the senses,
But how do I know it exists?
You say that Tao is beyond definitions,
Then how will I understand it?
It is hard enough understanding the economy, my relationships,
The bewilderment of world events, violence, crime,
Drug abuse, political repression, and war.
With all these things requiring years to fathom,
How can I understand something that is
Colorless, nameless, flavorless, intangible, and silent?
Show me Tao! Show me Tao!"

I think it is worth learning to be tireless but content in the search for God. The power is in the asking, in the looking, in the listening. If I fully engage my senses, I can transcend them. I can meet Him in the transcendence. 

Immediacy

"When washing your face, can you see your true self?
When urinating, can you remember true purity?
When eating, can you remember the cycles of all things?
When walking, can you feel the rotation of heaven?
When working, are you happy with what you do?
When speaking, are your words without guile?
When you shop, are you aware of your needs?
When you meet the suffering, do you help?
When confronted with death, are you unafraid and lucid?
When you meet with conflict, do you work toward harmony?
When with your family, do you express benevolence?
When raising children, are you tender but firm?
When facing problems, are you far-seeing and tenacious?
When you are finished with work, do you take time to rest?
When preparing to rest, do you know how to settle your mind?
When sleeping, do you slip into absolute void?"

My answer to all of these is, of course, not always. By the pursuit of my projects day by day, and my commitment to small, daily acts of resistance, I hope to edge nearer a true yes. I do well to remember that true conversion is not of a moment, but of a lifetime. 

Austerities

"Self-discipline leads to higher spiritual states
Only if practiced with understanding.
The clearer the goal,
The greater the result."

With understanding, there is no need to fear. It remind's me of Pascal's Wager, that if one acts for a year as if one has faith, then the gift of faith will be granted. Self-discipline is both the first step and the goal, as understanding develops alongside it. Without understanding, there would be no purpose, but without self-discipline there would be no growth. Both are needed to make wise choices. Perhaps the balance of the two is joy. 

Fields

"Worship by cultivating nine fields:
Diet. Herbs. Clothing. Recitation.
Movement. Mediation. Creativity. Teaching.
And most important: Compassion."

Slowly I am learning to trust myself enough to see my projects through to completion. I have always had very big ideas, and great hopes, but very little confidence. As I labor forward, things are coming into a finer balance. I want and continue to ask for so much more to do. I can only pray that it's right I should do so. 

Nonyielding

"When in the arena,
Yield not to an aggressor.
When outside the arena,
Affirm compassion."

Maybe this is just a fancy way of saying that old thing, pick your battles. No matter what is at stake, I do know that one can be firm without being harsh, matter-of-fact without being rude, strong without being stubborn. I have learned this from my convictions, which I need now more than ever. 

Victory

"Can you be both martial and spiritual?
Can you overcome your ultimate opponent?"

The most profound victory is that over the self: Call it self-mastery, call it beating your own personal best...I call it making myself available to serve others. The question, especially in these troubled times, is how best to serve them. It's easy to talk about love, easy to say the right words and align oneself with truly holy, righteous and pure ideals. But to fight for them...How far must I go? How far am I willing to? This is what I continue to demand of myself with each passing day, as I pray for corresponding strength. 

Caring

"Don't go out looking for good deeds to do,
But if one comes your way, do not refuse.
If you meet someone who is suffering,
You must help them."

At this time of wanting to take action, I have been on alert for contributions to make. I consider myself blessed that being watchful and attentive were enough to bring opportunities my way that will see me through the end of this year. As I look toward an uncertain future I can only increase my attention, and, in the words of one who inspires me, "Do not be held back by doubts or fears. Say 'yes' with courage and without reserve." 

Artist

"Facing blank paper
Is an artist's terror."

Through the many losses I have endured, the gifts He has given me stand strong. How else could I have kept going? At this time when it will take more courage than ever for people to continue creating together, I am grateful to be in a loving marriage and an ever-strengthening community. 

Point

"Make the mind
A single point."

In these challenging days, focus is essential. Yet time is needed to quiet the mind and find the center. Patience is paramount, and yet also the one thing for which one finds, frustratingly, that one has very little time. 

Flame

"Enter the cavern with its
Walls of tangled strands.
Find the living flame
That burns on blood."

What is it that makes us most alive? We all live and move and have our being, whether we acknowledge Him as the source or not. Yet what is the process or meaning of that divine spark, the one that led my godfather to say, "Whether it was a monkey or a pile of dirt, God breathed into it, and that's what made it special." In our longing to do the seemingly impossible, and change the seemingly inevitable, we are hardly alone, yet often overwhelmed. Tending our own internal fire is the most awesome responsibility, sharing it the most responsible choice. But with so many ways and possibilities to do both, which is the best? How can we possibly do it all, when we are lighted and burn here for such a finite time?

Site

"Desert: visions.
Tropics: possession.
Forests: alchemy.
Mountains: asceticism."

I've always loved what the Church teaches about charism: That different gifts are available from God to us in different places at different times according to how He calls us. Each place I go and person I meet there has something to teach or at least reveal to me. I'm so grateful for that, and pray for the openness to receive it all properly. 

Middle

"Those who attain the middle
Dominate the whole."

During this election cycle, I've caught myself in my leftist leanings griping about centrists. And yet, now more than ever, America needs to find the Middle Way, to still itself in the eye of this storm and remember that all things must pass. 

Flow

"If the boulders are moved,
Even a river will change its flow."

Those boulders are the racism, sexism, ableism, classism, bullying, bigotry...Everything out in full force in society now. Perhaps they are finally starting to move, instead of just to erode. Or perhaps the comparison to Sisyphus is finally becoming obsolete; perhaps conditions are painfully perfect for the river to change course once and for all. 

Axle

"The mind is in spinning wheels at the
Navel, heart, throat, head.
The connecting shaft is emptiness.
Without an unobstructed route,
Energy cannot flow."

Dreadful things happen in the world, and yet, Creation goes on and keeps growing, changing. I know God will make a way in the wilderness, and I want nothing more than to be available to follow Him, even to where I think I cannot ever go.

Force

"A sword is never sheathed
Until it has tasted blood.
A good swordsman
Is seldom seen with a sword."

Maybe this is the Taoist version of "Walk softly and carry a big stick." Of course, our current president-elect seems to have spent his entire campaign trying to convince us that his stick is actually big enough. Whatever the case, violence continues to rain down upon the most vulnerable people in the world. Will you use your sword for good or for ill? The life of everyone around you may depend on your choice. 

War

"Weapons are tools of ill omen
Wielded by the ignorant.
If their use is unavoidable,
The wise act with restraint.
The greatest sorrow is to be a veteran,
Witness to the atrocities of humanity."

I never knew who it was that said this: "I have not yet begun to fight."  With these results, it's a tough choice between that and "I will fight no more forever." Clearly, I chose the wrong time to live outside my country--how can I be here, when the majority apparently hate me and folks like me? In the face of that hate, if I give up I die, so in the words of a believer in a spiritual book I was reading recently, "What do you do when trials and tribulations come your way? Sister, it's time to tribulate!" If anyone needs me, I will be tribulating: "For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood; but against principalities and power, against the rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places." --Ephesians 6:12 

Childhood

"No. No. No.
This ruins a child."

Curiosity I had in abundance, but I always felt it was controlled. Individuality should have been stressed, but I'm a twin, and the disabled one, so my half of the mirror was cracked. Initiative was curtailed at every turn: "Don't stumble." "Don't embarrass yourself, or us." "Don't be disappointed, or a disappointment." I want to give my children the freedom and courage to try. I want to have enough humility to see clearly what my children can teach me. Though I must sometimes say no to what they do, I'll need the grace to say an unconditional yes to who they are. I pray for that chance, even as I continue to feel the universe withholding it from me. It's the "No" that will ruin me forever. 

Unfortunate

"An unfortunate one is a rootless ghost,
His walk a mad angel's gait.
Insolent steps of one thrown from heaven
To toil in red dust,
As if he had not had enough
In a thousand previous lifetimes.
Where is his heart? Where is his soul?
To call this heaven's will
Is a cheap answer."

I agree. To anyone who sees my or anyone else's disability or illness as a "physical evil," in the words of activist Darius Weems, "It's the buildings that are the problem, not my condition." In a society that's purpose-built to exclude us, we will always encounter misfortune of one kind, but another kind, and the real misfortune, really, is that so many do not see His beauty and purpose in our diversity. 

Cultivation

"Imagine a sculpture
You work on every day.
If you stop, the beauty
Will slowly go away."

Generally I'm not so disciplined in my spiritual practice. The thing is, I think there are different seasons for, and of, it all. I also am open to trying new things, growing new crops, letting some fields lie fallow and others turn anew. 

Diversity

"Gods have many faces,
But true divinity has no face."

I agree that there is no single face of the divine. Each creature on Earth was created to reflect a unique aspect of God's infinite mercy and love. Even such aspects are multifaceted, and even one who does not acknowledge the specific presence of God must wonder at the awesome glory that is life itself--how abundant, how mysterious, how fleeting. 

Worship

"You can worship gods,
But you cannot worship Tao."

Through this writing and my previous explorations, I have come to behold Tao as what some people say about the wind, regarding God: "You cannot see the wind, but you can feel its effects." God is God, but perhaps Tao is the medium--whatever form it may take--He uses to touch us at all times. I have learned that in His mercy he will and does use any means necessary. My gratitude for that brings me to my knees daily.  

Renunciation

"Wine's pleasure,
Love's intoxication,
Work's obsession,
Children's involvement,
Age's sorrow.
When will craving end?"

Giving until it hurts--this is the essence, perhaps the goal, of renunciation. Slowly, I am learning that the true pain is, in fact,  love and not asceticism. Perhaps a sacrifice made in love is requested, not demanded; perhaps there are no obligations, only motivations--and with motivations comes freedom.

Solstice

"When the true light appears,
The entire planet turns to face it."

I strive for awareness, a deep knowing, so that I can learn to appreciate the uniqueness of each moment. I depend on this searching openness to bring me toward the future, and help me crest the waves of my days. To revel in sensations of growing, and to bring the days of my life into unity and purpose with each other and with those in the lives of others--for these I pray as I wait for the revelation of things to come.