Sunday, May 14, 2017

Continuation

"Upon completion comes fulfillment.
With fulfillment comes liberation.
Liberation allows you to go on.
Even death is not a true ending.
Life is infinite continuation."

During my time as an ESL teacher, I became familiar with the Japanese concept of "gaman" which I've found enormously useful and edifying for me in all aspects of my life. The definition I looked up just now calls it, "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity." As a disabled person, I find myself consistently occupying a less than dignified place in the world, so I guess my gaman would be applying what patience I can muster in order to transcend that, if not change it outright. Naturally, being neither Japanese nor the most graceful of persons by any stretch, I often falter--yet by some miracle I am still here and still trying to get it right. Whatever should befall me in the year to come and beyond, I will keep using the beautiful tools I discover to shape my life with patience and dignity. To do anything less would be a shame, indeed. 

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Morning

"Morning.
New day.
Joy of birth."

I will be looking for the good things in this new year of my life. My husband was asking me earlier what doing this blog has brought to my life, or how it has changed me. I think I've finally figured out that I'm not crazy, just deep. I'm not overly sensitive or negative, just willing to live with pain and discomfort. Not forever, of course, but for the past year, at least, I've done with it what I could. I'm ready to welcome some more changes now--hopefully ones that are a little gentler and sweeter, but then, my biggest birthday wish of all is the only one I didn't get. I'll do my best to remember that I can leave that disappointment behind in the morning. 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Night

"In night's vast ocean,
Sun, moon, and earth align,
Pulling the earth out of roundness
And making tides rage.
Such is the power of night."

I always feel more alive and energetic at night. I start to feel especially like I don't want to miss any of what the earth is doing. But when I have that opportunity, not to miss anything, I tend to waste it by worrying. Maybe as another year comes to passing over, I can let that waste go, and stay more focused. It's what I want more than anything as I strive anew to make a living and a life for myself and my family. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Emptiness

"Dust cannot gather
If there is no mirror there."

Today I am reminded that, as a person of faith, I am not only here to reflect that, but to be filled. At the moments when I am feeling less than, God will meet me where I am, lift and fulfill me. I have a duty to allow that, and I am still learning how. 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Purity

"Purity is light."

When I sang in the choir in college, we did one hymn that went, "God is light, and in Him is no darkness, no darkness at all." Ever since that time, all I have striven to do is follow the light. Even when I can't stay focused, I know it's there, so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Ending

"A shadow edge is never on the edge.
The time to contemplate the ending is before the ending."

At a time when I am struggling to go confidently into a new phase and a new year of my life, it's painful and difficult to think about endings. I think it's a blessing that we get to end each day and sleep. For my rest to be true, I must trust in the power of His timing. Since my ultimate ending is not up to me, I can only make a good end to each day. 

Sanity

"You are demons.
You are darkness.
Your soul is at stake.   Your soul is light.
Dissipation is the threat.
Don't surrender the key.   Just dissolve."

Until now, with the whopping Mothers' Day/birthday duo to remind me, I have suffered the worst loss I could possibly imagine--out of all of them--yet I survived, and continue to despite everything. I trust that was for a purpose beyond just holding onto my sanity. At this time of many changes, may the changes I also want to make affirm my sanity rather than test it. This is my best and only request at this moment. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Collectivity

"Ancient societies were tribal;
The group did the thinking.
Current society is splintered;
The individual must be complex."

I seem to see that in America people think it is not only a luxury but also their right, to thrive--even perhaps at the expense of others. Belonging to some kind of group is seen as a choice, and even then, maybe not a good one. And often what people do to accentuate their own individuality is push others into a group. I think we don't belong to separate groups; we belong to each other. That's the only promise we have to fulfill. How long until everybody believes it? 

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Rusticity

"The laughter of country folk is uncomplicated.
The laughter of city folk is full of dark nuance.
The ambition of country folk is to grow their crops well.
The ambition of city folk is to overcome others.
 The joy of country folk is to participate in the seasons.
The joy of city folk is to achieve sophistication."

In my pursuit of Tao I can feel myself drawing into balance. The essence of myself, I've always felt, is neither city nor country, but a mix of both, or a weaving of the two. One must at least acknowledge one's roots in order to grow. I suppose the way to keep that growth a simple process is to acknowledge its source. 

Friday, May 5, 2017

Attachment

"The monk shaved his head as a symbol of renunciation,
But now he goes nowhere without his little cap."

I have often reflected that honesty about my failings is worth nothing if I am not willing to work on them. And such is the world we live in, that what I see as a failing in myself may not be seen as such by others in themselves. Perhaps, then, it is best if I invest myself mostly in the progress of myself and those closest to me. Life is short, and can be painful enough already. If I focus on this too much, it is only to try to mitigate what little I can each day. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Winter

"A homeless man dies in the gutter.
A tree cracks in the cold:
A shocking sound."

Just as I should never fear doing for the least, I should neither fear being the least. May my humility never forsake me as I press forward into the unknown. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Manure

"Manure makes excellent fertilizer.
Life has ordure."

I am learning to see opportunity everywhere. Even in the failures and disappointments there can be the seed of something furthering my good. I will never stop looking for that. It keeps me alive. 

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Promises

"Visions better than drugs haven't come.
Intelligence exceeding genius hasn't come.
Titanic strength hasn't come.
Beauty to attract lovers hasn't come.
Visitations from gods haven't come.
Freedom from weariness hasn't come.
An end to vexing annoyances hasn't come.
Great wealth hasn't come.
Fame hasn't come.
Unlimited understanding of others hasn't come.
Supernatural powers haven't come.
The skill to spontaneously heal hasn't come.
The gift of prophesy hasn't come.

None of these things have come,
Yet I would not forsake this spiritual path."

Most days all I have is the willingness to endure everything for His sake. I only pray that He is leading me toward something, the purpose of which I will ultimately know and understand. 

Monday, May 1, 2017

Template

"Must you see nature as a machine?
Is your only learning chemistry, physics, and ontology?
What if poetry was your template for life?
Can't you know Tao by the feeling of mud in your sandals?
Thus are the sages called silly:
They have given up their prejudices."

Is it possible to oversimplify the message of God? Is it necessary to parse everything until I achieve understanding? I doubt it. The possibilities of God are endless. I believe that. Sometimes I think I know it. And then something else surprises me. That's my faith: the willingness to be surprised, the willingness to wonder. Whatever kind of filter I place on things, it's always eventually flushed clean. I'm grateful for that. It means that I get to try again, but I don't have to get everything. I just have to keep trying. 

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Breath

"You breathe,
Frosting mountains white,
Exciting trees to verdant flame,
Dancing sparrows on your wing,
Swirling waves into long sighs.
You breathe,
And all things live."

Most of all in this life transition, I have needed to catch my breath. Even while doing that I have felt the pressure to keep going, and stay open to the next opportunity. Now I realize, breath is the opportunity. To draw breath is everything. 

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Hourglass

"Life is like an hourglass.
Consciousness is the sand."

Toward the end of my time in college, one of my assignments in a creative writing class was to make a personal artistic manifesto. Amidst all the bullshit I'm sure was there, one thing emerged that has always stuck with me,"I've got time," I wrote. "I've got time, and I'm going to be just fine!"

Needless to say, that feeling was short-lived, once I was cast adrift upon the world without my goals, my books, my studies to buoy me up. It took a long time, but eventually I got to a safe place again, and now, in a bizarre way, things seem to have come full-circle. This time, I am adrift, but this time, I know the truth. Despite what the world says, I do have time, and I really am going to be just fine. 

Friday, April 28, 2017

Water

"Drops.
Water cleanses,
Gathers in the earth.
Tender. Invasive. Subtle.
Emerges a shining river.
When small, it is weak.
When great, it tumbles mountains,
Rendering great cliffs
Sand."

No wonder I always feel terrified yet soothed by the ocean. To cleanse one's spirit is not only refreshment, but surrender. At this moment in my life, I'm striving for both; I'm striving for all. 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Spine

"Tao is the road up your spine.
Tao is the road of your life.
Tao is the road of the cosmos."

I am very grateful to be feeling supported by the universe in bringing my inner and outer lives into balance. I read an article the other day about having systems rather than goals, and I've decided I want to create better systems for achieving my goals. If the systems are in place, the goals will flow naturally. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Clarifying

"Express yourself:
That is meaning."

I try to express myself wisely, yet fully. It's a curious balance to strike at a time when I am making a conscious effort to express myself in new and different ways. I must discover the challenge of each new day before I can meet it. In that way, I'm working harder now than ever before. 

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Purpose

"Suddenly, things snap into focus.
I've been pursuing unity all my life,
But could only glimpse the monstrous vision in fragments;
It has haunted me for years.

Each time I sighted it, I struggled to make it concrete.
At first, it seemed I only had a sculptor's yard of unfinished figures--
Then it slowly began to make sense,
Gathered from glimpses and inferences.

More and more, this mysterious life comes together.
It may take years more to reveal the whole.
That's all right.
I'm prepared to go the distance."

Right now, I know, I am praying for a renewal of my purpose--a chance to finally realize what I have glimpsed off and on for years, only receiving the deepest, most mysterious and pure intimations. Could it be that I am closer than ever? This time in my life feels like the gift to find out--the chance to step into my destiny fully. I'm ready.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Worthwhile

"Inside me, it was quiet all day:
I waited until midnight for a sound.
Outside me, it was noisy all day:
I waited all night for silence.
Tao's power is sound.
Tao's potential is silence."

I think this one speaks for itself:


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Uninhibited

"The drunk falls from the cart bus is not hurt.
You throw hesitation aside but look stupid.
To be truly uninhibited is a rare grace."

In an effort to throw off the Michal-like desolation I have always felt shrouding my life, I strive to learn how to toe the line between humility and humiliation. I was not created for the latter, and yet to endure it for His sake is a glory indeed. Perhaps I have never come to grips with that as I should, so it keeps me from being fully alive. As I pray that He lifts me to Him during my time of seeking, I want Him to know I will endure anything to attain a godly purpose. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Alienation

"Why yearn for a promised land?
The true land is in the heart."

I have learned to go my own way, and not to fear being alone awhile in order to do what is right. I know I will meet in good faith with others by and by. 

Friday, April 21, 2017

Manifestation

"Watching a performance of warriors, I was told,
'This fighter's tradition is six hundred years old.'
And I saw a performance so mired in ritual--
As if nothing valid had happened in six hundred years.
We must honor the classical without being irrelevant."

It's hard to stay focused on the present when I think about how much has gone into it, or about how much I hope for and what it means that I get to keep waking up every day. With one important, strong decision, I have changed my entire life. Now every step I take counts more than ever. When I think about what I really do want, that means more than anything. I have to live up to this chance I have finally given myself. 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Simplicity

"'Be aware of Tao.'
Isn't that simple?
No--Let's reduce more:

Be Tao."

I think this is what I'm trying to do right now. It's all I would like when it seems so clear that I'm not going to get what I've prayed for. I give up and I won't want anything from now on. That feels wrong, but I don't know what else to say. I wanted to be done with my job, so I finished. I want to start a new life, but that's the only thing I don't seem to be able to do. I'm sad. At least I can be honest in the purity of my feeling. That's simple enough for now.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Context

"Context. Connection. Engagement.
If we understand these words,
We do not need esoteric terms."

At this turning point, I find myself pondering the many ways in which "God will provide." Chief among them must be a way out of temptation. I constantly tell myself that in case I am tempted to rest on my laurels here, God is providing me the momentum I need to move in His direction. I am grateful for that and pray for the will and the strength to maintain it. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Learning

"Learning is the fountain of youth.
No matter how old you are,
You mustn't stop learning."

I think the most important thing about learning is the willingness. If I have that, I can learn anything. If I can learn anything, I can do anything, and take the steps I need toward being all things to all people. 

Expression

"There's nothing to paint anymore.
We've seen everything from the classical to the absurd.
There's nothing to write anymore.
As many books are shredded as read.
There's nothing to sing anymore.
The once avant-garde is now background music."

I have faith in my new beginning, and yet, as always, there looms the fear of the unknown. Who doesn't experience this? Sometimes I look ahead and think, "Well, what's the point? I'm just...done." At the same time, I look back and tell myself, "Who knew I would have made it this far?" It helps to remember I was created for a unique purpose. I would like to believe that, anyway. Most of the time, I still do.  

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Moderation

"Alternate between the solitary and the social.
Whether alone or with others, keep serenity."

At this time of a wild and uncertain new beginning, I must be modest and humble. I will not take a step without actively seeking His direction. May He keep me in the promise and the joy of moving forward, toward Him. 

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Wisdom

"A white-haired couple sits on a park bench,
Reading the paper, discussing the day's news.
He repeats a poem, learned in his youth;
She finishes the stanza as he nods in pleasure.
At twilight, the air seems clearer than noon."

I can feel myself entering a time of relative stillness and hope. I'm grateful for it as I resolve not to participate in the hysteria I see unfolding around me. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

Prowess

"The wrestler was once more solid than a bull.
He loved to flex enormous, oiled forearms
Before he delightedly vanquished foes.
But now, brittle skin is taut over bone,
And his wheeze is a ghost of his manly bellow."

Amidst wars and rumors of wars, I submit myself to the power of the Most High. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Dipper

"Bamboo dipper, granite basin.
Crust of ice over inky reservoir.
Moon shimmers in the dipper
Until fullness drains away."

From God, there are no secrets. He is the secret. I believe He also keeps His purpose secret until the proper time. Until now, I've been straining to hear Him, yet only now do I feel ready to listen. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Donkey

"Dismount your donkey at the summit."

Lately I've been reflecting that it's often the folks in the most humble circumstances who have the greatest things to offer. When the world's definition of success is too narrow, this helps me remember what's truly important. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Dovetail

'"Measure twice, cut once," said the old craftsman.
Only careful planning and patient skill make a dovetail.'

Recently I heard somebody say that, whatever the battle is, if you're fighting, you're losing. Other people insist you have to fight for what you want. For my part, I know I try to go with the flow, but I also know that it wouldn't be my life if I didn't have to struggle. I often dream of a time I can coast, and I seem to be upon that now--having decided to leave my job and see what's next. At the same time, I can't help hoping that this will just be the precursor to the greatest challenge I have ever wished for. 

Monday, April 10, 2017

Sieve

"A coarse sieve catches little.
A fine mesh catches more.
If you want the subtle, be refined,
But prepare to deal with the coarse."

I have finally learned that being sensitive includes being tough. I grew up thinking they were at odds, and to my detriment lived in a lot of fear and shame. It is my hope that now, all of that will continue to be broken open, so that I can be free. 

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Sense

"Don't be destroyed by knowledge and power.
Use common sense to survive."

I saw an article today that said intuition is the highest form of intelligence. Whatever measure of truth there is in that specifically, it did reinforce for me that we have been endowed by God with everything we need to live in Creation. To deny that is a sin, indeed. 


Saturday, April 8, 2017

Umbilicus

"People consider the navel a vestigial nub
And think nourishment only comes through the mouth.
Not so. Tao is the great mother,
And vitality untold lies in the region of the umbilicus."

This evening in the wake of an argument, my husband and I were talking about the importance of being grounded. To serve God, I must be centered in my body and at peace with my flesh. I'm not far from either now, I know; I can feel it!

Presence

"Lightning rod at the pinnacle
Attracts power by its mere presence.
In the same way, we must work
For substance and height."

Most of the time, I feel like my striving is losing. And most of the time, my belief that that is not my final destiny is what propels me forward. I am about to give up everything I have been and done for the last six years because I have faith that it's time to reach for something more. I pray for God to be with me and meet me in this leap of faith. 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Colorless

"What's the difference between the erotic and the spiritual?
Temples and lovers are equally gaudy."

I think art allows us to transcend everything. I write to seek my best self. Whatever quest for holiness I make in this life, and whatever awaits me in the hereafter, may it all be pure. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Mysticism

"All mystical traditions are one.
They are the seed of all religions."

I believe that the above is true; I also think that, all too often, in the hands of the people, they lend themselves to certain abuses. It is a hope of mine that by keeping an open mind and heart, I can do my share of work to prevent the abuse. I keep going deeper, so it never feels like enough, but still I go. Being led in the Spirit, it's the best I can do. 

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Mate

"Passion is a prelude to
Years of gradual unfolding."

A year and a half in, I still feel like a newlywed. There are struggles, yes, but as long as I remember Who moved me to enter them, love can grow.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Mosaic

"Tiles of carnelian, lapis, and jade,
The muralist sets his picture
One centimeter at a time.
Every piece alone is precious;
Together they make a priceless whole."

I have come to understand myself as a big-picture person with an eye for detail. Even with a talent for focusing on both, it isn't easy to keep a good perspective. Now that I've committed to taking this leap of faith, it's ever more important for me to keep in mind who I am, and Whose I am, in the scheme of things.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Intensity

"Tao is strangely colorless,
Yet intense.
It grips like a tidal wave."

I have often reflected that I am a person without particular avocations or hobbies. Rather, I take an interest in everything, and let my imagination guide me. I have been told this gives me a certain intensity. I even occasionally get told that I am intimidating. I think this is wrong. I am a nobody, and find myself wishing to be invisible most of the time. At the same time, I understand that invisible is not the same as absent. Perhaps I have a wish to be so authentic and natural in my influence that my presence should not be seen but felt. 

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Decadence

"Powdered concubine dressed in rich silks--
Feet bound, body soft, lips slack--
Views lotuses through binoculars.
A dragonfly alights on her motionless fan."

I can't be too indulgent now that I've made this life-altering choice. Risk must be followed by edifying action. 

Friday, March 31, 2017

Self-sufficiency

"Be self-sufficient but not isolated.
When the king of China closed the borders,
Centuries of stagnation and decadence began."

Without God, the stagnation and decadence are inevitable. I must reach out to God from my authentic self. In my gradual process of discovering who He made me, my true self-sufficiency can begin. 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Poor

"Chopsticks made from bamboo--
Too poor to afford silverware.
Tender bamboo shoots for food--
Too poor to afford meat."

I am not afraid of being poor. Whatever my circumstances, I have always been able to make more of them than I thought I would. This time will be no different, except I have a feeling that it will indeed be better, if not the best. 

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Sustaining

"Orange and gold carp,
Living beneath ice.
Uncaring of the world above,
Sustained by the water below."

I often feel I am being sustained for a purpose, and cannot break out of the restraints I feel until the proper time. Then I think I must be kidding myself; miracles are for other people, not for me. How I struggle to let go of that mindset now; how I struggle to believe that my miracle is on its way. I will not be left alone and disappointed; I will not be put to shame. 

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Singing

"Rain comes--and birds,
Silhouettes against the pearlescent sky--
Respond excitedly in song.
They open their throats to heaven's nectar,
And rhyme with the drops."

Sometimes the key of life changes; that's not a reason to stop singing, or playing. I will continue to explore the music of what happens. 

Monday, March 27, 2017

Swimmer

"Though life is a dream,
Act as if it isn't.
Act with no weight."

I have discovered within myself not only a willingness to be vulnerable, but also a willingness to be overwhelmed. How else can one learn to take life as it comes. My strategy now is to embrace, and be exhilarated. I will no longer be constricted or restrained; I will float, and be carried.


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Rest

"The year's end is coming;
I feel great contentment.
Completion means rest.
Rest means renewal.
Renewal means new beginnings.

I believe I am overdue for the start of something new. I feel blessed because I now can take the steps toward the new beginning I need. After my first truly restful Sunday in a long time, I am hopeful, indeed. 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Joy

"Do your devotions make you happy?
Is your life a joyous song?"

I struggle for more joy in my life. God must know how deeply I feel my trials, and how determined I am not to get the better of me, or the better part of my life. I know I have no right to be weary of the striving that awaits us all in His love. I strive only because I want to live His love most deeply. 

Friday, March 24, 2017

Soaring

"For years, I've practiced ritual.
It's dead now.
For years, I've practiced meditation.
It's dull now.
Finally, there is only soaring
Like an ectoplasmic ribbon
Floating over the sea."

I often feel restless and roving in my spiritual life. I think it's this desire for lift-off at work. I stick with the Rosary awhile, then have to do something else. I'm doing this blog now; what's next? I may be about to quit my job.

Some people hate change, and fear it. I long for it, and want to make it. 

Chameleon

"If I don't want to be known, I cannot be known.
The best actor can divide role from self.
The best liar can divide truth from falsity."

A genuinely curious person by nature, I often describe myself as looking for magic. I like to wonder at what I sense around me. How curious it is it, then, that I should often struggle so in my faith. For isn't most of faith just contentment with mystery? 

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Bravery

"One willing to take his own life into his hands
Will not hesitate to take the lives of others."

As I sit up here, foolishly brave in completing my blog while sleep-deprived, I think about how, lately, I can feel life backing me into a corner. And I know from my recent experience that she who is backed into a corner will strike out in fear. I must remember the journey from fear to self-mastery, from bravery to true courage--that the tools I have to make my own life are always with me, from Him. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Smallness

"You may be capable of great things,
But life consists of small things."

I am learning to embrace the small things, and see with new eyes how they add up to the greats. Such a view helps in setting goals, which has always terrified me into cowering before the demon of disappointment. But disappointment cannot exist if one's actions are measured and circumspect. No matter how one is vanquished back, the ability to move forward does not stop. Every step is a win. That in itself is great. 

Monday, March 20, 2017

Friendship

"Those truly linked don't need correspondence.
When they meet again after many years apart,
Their friendship is as true as ever."

I've always enjoyed many friendships in which we "pick up where we left off," and I believe that usually this is not only possible but also probable in the truest sense between friends. However, just in the past year or two I have lost more than one friendship I would have considered forever. In moving on from them I understand now that the potential for friendship always exists, and that being willing to let go the old and take on the new is a sign of growth, not disloyalty. 

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Contemporary

"Why do yogis die today?
Why are there no immortals anymore?
What has happened to all the sorcerers?
Why don't angels come to earth?"

A good friend of mine once told me he didn't like the whole idea of living each day as if it were his last. "I want to live like I'll be here for 100 years!" he said. In the same conversation I said I thought we had only one job, which is to love each person we come across. If that is indeed true, how often and how miserably I fail! But while I draw breath, I will continue to take my opportunity to do it, for it is not to love perfectly but to love sincerely that is the best thing. 

Soul

"The music stirred my soul."

In my life I long for the time and space to focus on what's most important. What if I were to let go and truly believe (for once) that God will provide? (For once) I see signs of it all around me. What if it's the most responsible, and responsive (to Him) thing I can do at this point? 

Friday, March 17, 2017

Lily

"Dormant bulb, skin of tea-stained parchment,
Reaches into water with pubic tendrils--
It is the roots that make tall green shoots possible."

In many ways I feel that my life is still just a dormant bulb, when so long I have striven to grow. I understand that pruning is part of that process, but how long will it be before I feel anything other than cut to the quick? Perhaps it's only to make sure I stay so sensitive. My challenge is to apply that sensitivity in a constructive way, even when everything around me feels like an assault on it.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Triumph

"Crawl to begin.
Triumph to complete.
Renounce to leave."

I certainly feel like I've spent a lot of my life crawling. Moments of triumph come--how I long to savor them, but they are so fleeting. With a big decision looming before me, will I have the strength to just renounce and leave? I fear it may be too late to do so effectively. Completion at a crawl seems hardly worth the striving, but movement forward still is good. 

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Meditation

"Meditation is a total state of being."

I ask God to help me make my every moment, and movement, prayerful. I am His creature, and everything I do can be worthy of Him. That's all I really want. 

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Divination

"How can divination
Exceed imagination?"

I am done trying to figure out the future. I am grateful for the dreams I've had of it, and the ways in which my present has exceeded them. As to the dreams I still have, the mind games I play are not worth a sacrifice of dreams. I pray always to be inspired by God, and to be shown by Him what the future can be for everyone!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Aging

"Mist and snow blot out the world.
Bony trees are thinly fleshed with ice.
A couple laughs below a stone monument,
But behind a bristled hedge,
A lone woman sings a dirge.
Old age is lonely.
Dreams of those I've buried haunt me.
Was I ever ready to shoulder this mantle?
It smothered a carefree youth.
Now neither parent, lover, nor friends have I,
And great fame is as distant as spring's leaves."

Having witnessed such death at such a young age, I often pray God now not to be done with me yet. I feel so young, so strong, so capable of so many of the things the friends my own age have already done. I pray indeed that they are still before me, so that my old age will be old, indeed, and perhaps not so lonely after all. 

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Maturity

"Immortality does not beget wisdom.
Only mortality begets maturity."

I sometimes wonder if God sees me as difficult. I mean, I know I'm difficult for people in a lot of ways, so I try hard to give gentle consideration to everyone, but I still manage to feel most of the time like God must be deeply ashamed of me. Why else would He test me with so many losses? I don't like to dwell on the thought, for I know many have their tests and trials, but I must be honest and say it does cross my mind from time to time. The baby was the worst of them, but by now, I fear, I must be somewhat inured. When I feel pain, I know that fear is unfounded, so while it's hard to be grateful, I am at least deeply aware and striving to carry the pain with me as far as I need to. 

Oneness

"If I break down the walls, I will be surrounded by the garden.
If I break the levee, water will inundate me.
Meditation is not to be separated from life."

I once read a book called So Far From God. I've often felt since like that title alone is the story of my life. I am sure I am not alone in this, and that as well as my own determination has caused me to seek Him with almost a vengeance: "After everything I've been through, you won't keep me away so easily!" Often I think it's a fight I'm not truly up for, but I'm still here, and still with a lot more to do. Doubts diminish as gratitude increases. It's a simple matter, but not a simple process. 

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Righting

"A deviation of a hair's breadth at the center
Leads to an error of a hundred miles at the rim.
When the effort is so slight,
Why should you hesitate to set things right?"

The other day I taught my students the idiom, "Go with your gut." Since then I've reflected on how important it is to do that, and often, even when what one is doing looks all wrong to the world outside. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Existing

"Fog makes the world a painting obscure.
Even close trees are half unseen.
But a lonesome crow won't stop calling:
He objects to being in this dream."

I have learned to focus on growth. Indeed, the Talmud says, "Every blade of grass has an angel that stands over it and whispers, 'Grow! Grow!'" As I come closer than ever to everything I've ever wanted since the day I was born, I find I have little patience or room for anything but that whisper. I ask my angel, my God, and the people in my life every day: "If you love me, let me grow." It may sound silly, but while we are here, I think it's the only thing to do. 

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Stages

"Unless you are pious,
You cannot gain a foothold in Tao.
Unless you go beyond rules,
You haven't gained the middle.
Unless you can be creative,
You aren't traversing Tao.
Unless the road always stretches out before you,
You are not walking the true Tao."

I always ask that my vision be broadened, and my path be enriched. I always want more even than I presently strive for. It may wound one's pride to fall short, but far better to be humbled in one's striving than to be abased by one's own short sight and narrow mind. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

Core

"What is the difference between a monk and a husband?
What is the difference between a priest and a layperson?
I accept that this world is terrible and full of suffering.
And I also enjoy happiness when it comes to me.
As long as I am with Tao, distinctions are superfluous."

I know there is room for both the dread and the wonder of this life. If I consider prayerfully, then neither predominates. With this, so often, I need so much help. I now know I can not only ask for it, but also use the tools I have honed or been given with greater confidence. 

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Growth

"A moving door hinge never corrodes.
Flowing water never grows stagnant."

Today during the homily the priest said God created us because He thought we would like it. Based on what I wrote yesterday, I think maybe growth has the most to do with how I respond when I don't like it--and I still have plenty of those moments even though on the whole my life is better than it's ever been. I'm sure lots of people would say I should be happy with the way things are, but each intimation of how they could be is a gift, too. I'd rather strive for those, to grow even when people try and stop me. 

Solutions

"Don't be afraid to explore;
Without exploration there are no discoveries.
Don't be afraid of partial solutions;
Without the tentative there is no accomplishment."

Solving any problem requires taking action, and I am slowly learning that the most effective solutions involve compromise. Living with a little imperfection is painful--we were all made for much better things. But the idea that we were made at all is itself a thing of wonder. I suppose it's best for me, then, to rejoice in the tools I have to deal with my flawed nature. 

Friday, March 3, 2017

Sitting

"Cats sit in the sun.
Dog sits in the grass.
Turtle sits on the rock.
Frog sits on the lily pad.
Why aren't people so smart?"

Sometimes I just want to stop. I think I've said this here before. It's like when we were in school and we had the D.E.A.R. program: Drop Everything And Read. I loved that, but now I'd like to go beyond it, and just give myself permission to "do nothing" for a while.

You may wonder why I use quotation marks. It may be because I know how hard it is to turn off, let go, and just exist a minute. I think it's also, though, because I know that simply by being, and being aware, I can be so much more available than I can be if I stay merely busy. 

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Interval

"Seven geese pierce straight line over frigid bay,
Intervals between them constantly equal,
Pointed wings slash as if joined to an axle:
Today is the ideal moment between yesterday and tomorrow."

At my moments when struggle is the greatest, I have to believe I am still on my way to the future I have imagined for myself. I work really hard to pay attention and accept the things that unfold as I make my way. Nothing can be forced, I know, so I continue to wait. 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Balance

"Summer withered grass to flaxen yellow,
Scorched leaves to brittle paper,
Dried lakes to cracked clay.
Chill autumn brought little relief--
Only frosted the devastation.
But with the early gentle rains,
The earth's fissures softened
And desiccated plants began to dissolve.
Slowly, balance comes once again."

I believe God wants for us to discern His hand in all things, and the patterns he has set in place. Because there are patterns, it's not always so easy to recognize where His hand is, or whether it's all His hand--or, if you're like me, you go through life assuming that just by being here, you're messing things up.

I understand that that's a grave lie, but whether or not one accepts the doctrine of original sin, it's hard to escape the fact that by our flaws we are constantly out of balance and harmony--with each other, with nature, even with ourselves. I have discovered the tremendous value of simply being brave enough to take the steps that may restore the balance. It is always worth trying, whether or not my results are perceptible to me.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Progression

"When meditation stales,
Change methods quickly."

I've written before about how I tend to be undisciplined, not sticking often to a daily practice of prayer. I beat myself up for it sometimes, but now I'm starting to see it might be better to vary things than to stick to a routine that has lost its savor and meaning. There must be infinite choices and ways to connect with the divine. It's a gift to be able to even begin to explore them all. 

Transformation

"You hurt me years ago;
My wounds bled for years.
Now you are back,
But I am not the same."

The other day I got an email from someone I had blocked on Facebook years ago. There was nothing horribly wrong with our relationship, just a lack of boundaries at a time when we really needed them and didn't use them well. So while I wasn't happy to see the email, it didn't shock or panic me, either. I now feel free to ignore it, and move on. 

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Merging

"Take the sun. Put it in your heart.
Take the moon. Pull it to your belly.
Draw down the Big Dipper.
Merge with the Northern Star."

The best things I've ever read say we are made of stardust. For this reason I strive to be at peace with everything. When I can't be, I at least continue to strive toward that final peace which is such a mystery to us, each and all. 

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Horizon

"Single line drawn from one ocular corner to the other.
White clouds firmly tethered to shadows.
What is close at hand must first appear on the horizon.
What is cast upon us always has a source."

Right now I can't see what's on the horizon of my life. I can see the source of some of the problems I'm having right now, and I'm trying to address them before they grow. Sometimes it's not as simple as taking the long view. It's what I do when blindsided that shows my greatest character. 

Friday, February 24, 2017

Completion

"Only when the last spoke
Has been fitted to the wheel,
Is there completion."

I constantly try to remind myself that the stopping of one thing does not necessarily mean a total loss. It's been a tough lesson for me to internalize so that I can keep moving forward. Makes me wish I'd had access to this metaphor sooner--now, instead of looking at the end of something as leaving it behind, I'll know I'm really just adding another spoke to my wheel. 

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Teaching

"Give back what you've learned.
Share your experience."

As a teacher, as a part of any relationship, I have always striven to share fully. Doing so often leaves me exhausted and, oddly, filled with self-doubt. There are people in my life who told me, even before I became one, that I would be a natural teacher. But I have learned that, while teaching certainly takes an abundance of patience, it also requires a confidence I have never possessed. My students always know I'm just as vulnerable as they are. That's dangerous for all of us, even though the vulnerability is what makes any learning possible in the first place. While the unreserved generosity is good, it leaves me powerless if stretched to its outer limits. For now, I can seek refuge in my writing, and in my efforts to hone other skills; but, having been brought face to face with the weaknesses of my teaching, I may find these other things not a refuge but a means of survival. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Radiance

"The moon shines at midday.
The master blesses the people."

I do my best to seek signs of God's presence in everything and everyone. It's not always easy to keep my heart open, but perhaps the most radiant thing in God's sight is the doing of the difficult. For the ability--and the grace--to keep doing it, I give thanks. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Environment

"How can you live
With the constant noise of traffic?
The stench of garbage?
The sight of buildings instead of mountains?
The movement of streets instead of rivers?
The feel of pavement instead of earth?"

I think that as we are God's children, we are also children of the Earth. Everything on it and in it is our family and our home. In my efforts to take care of both it and my place in it, I constantly ask myself what's really necessary. As I do, I find myself gradually growing in a holier, healthier direction. I pray this also may be available to everyone, even amid all the worries and fears for the future. We were made to be together, and it's the grossest perversion that we don't recognize that--competing instead for all of what was here long before we were. It's terrifying and sad. We will only end up hurting ourselves. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Duration

"The sun shines half a day,
The moon dominates the rest.
Even contemplation
Should have its proper duration."

Every day I pray for the grace to endure something difficult. I know I already have, but my particular prayer usually comes in the form of, "I know I have done things much harder than this," at moments when I feel overwhelmed. My life may seem easy in comparison with some, but I tell you it is the hardest thing in the world always to feel ready for more, only to see that it still hasn't come. I continue to take small steps forward, and I am learning to stop asking myself if it will ever be enough. Part of that makes me feel dead inside, but perhaps some of that is necessary. I am willing to accept it, for now. Still, I won't stop asking Him. 

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Focus

"Two chess masters confront each other
Without music, chorus, or sound.
Chairs do not squeak,
Audience does not talk.
Why, then, do people meditate carelessly?"

Tonight I have been given something important to do on behalf of a friend. After a successful start to my new business, a hopeful outlook toward another year of teaching, and a growing sense of my own agency and effectiveness at last, I can't afford to forget Who's in charge. 

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Uncarved

"Once a statue is finished,
It is too late to change the arms.
Only with a virgin block
Are there possibilities."

When I read things like the above, sometimes I get discouraged--telling myself what the world tells me: That it is too late for certain things, or soon will be. At these moments, I must remind myself Whose creature I truly am. 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Measure

"Birthdays, anniversaries, memorials, festivals
Measure our progress on the path."

I mentioned yesterday that I find myself less likely to feel I have fallen short. Perhaps that is because I have finally learned to measure my blessings appropriately. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Stillness

"Wind stirs the bamboo,
But once the wind passes,
The bamboo is silent.
Geese land in the chill pond,
But once the geese fly away,
There are no reflections.
In the same way,
Once the red dust passes,
The mind is still."

No doubt some might look at this and say it seems all too easy. I think God and His universe have a way of forcing rest upon us when we need it. I know I have succumbed to that many times, and I feel I have finally started learning to understand it, so that I can be more effective in my actions. I am grateful for the progress I have made, which gives me confidence to take on greater challenges. I am determined to be ready. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

History

"Autumn trees swept with dawn
Look as if they've been lacquered,
Rooted around an old battlefield.
The mists linger here like ghosts."

I think we all have to make the best of being here, no matter how history conspired to throw our various ancestors together. The difficulty of doing so transcends even such helpful and necessary terms as cross-generational trauma and witness fatigue. We tell each other we must never forget, yet without the courage to make something new from the carnage, there is no reason to remember.


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Whole

"I hate the way this chicken comes
All bagged in plastic
Without head or feet:
Neck, heart, liver, and gizzard
Stuck into its cavity.
No wonder people feel unconnected."

I've long held onto the thought that most of us are just in various stages of recovery from the trauma of being born, and struggling to integrate our experiences in such a way that we can live peacefully, if not comfortably, in a world where we seem constantly to be bombarded by forces and events beyond our control. To maintain a sense of who I am, perhaps I must be willing to discover ever more about myself, and share it with the world around me. Perhaps to connect is to participate in increasing the wholeness and integrity of each and every creature. There is no reward without risk, no completion of the puzzle without the first piece. 

Monday, February 13, 2017

Moon

"Silver disk: Let me call you goddess--
You, with your mirrored face.
Tonight, of all nights, your shape is perfect,
Your presence sublime.
You know it, too. You appear before the sun has even set,
Glorious without your cloak of night,
Gazing down in supreme splendor,
To make this dusty world pastoral."

This morning as I made my way to school on the bus, I caught a glimpse of the moon still hanging in the morning sky, its contours standing out like puffs of icy cloud far away. I felt blessed by the reminder of a restful night not far off, even as another day was just beginning.


Sunday, February 12, 2017

Obscurity

"Writings about Tao are purposefully obscure.
Why? Because the writers cherish Tao.
The path is difficult to ensure worthiness.
The lazy look elsewhere.
The persevering find riches."

When I became Catholic, I knew it would be difficult, but I did not care. All I wanted was to be close to God. He certainly has made me to persevere, and I will never give up because I know where the riches are and I want to be worthy. It sounds so simple, I'm sure some people would call it silly, but to me it is the essence of life. 

Solitude

"There are no ancients before me,
No followers behind:
Only the vastness of heaven and earth
On this mountain terrace.
Though heaven may know the ultimate,
Joy or sorrow is our own will."

I was single for a long time, unwillingly, but I still did my best to be good at it. I have always tried to do what I thought was right, regardless of how I felt. Still, sometimes--nay, often--I would feel so badly that I figured--literally then--that no one cared what I did at all. When I got to feeling like that, I did my best to convince myself that the caring was my own responsibility. It still is, but it's awfully nice to have been given a chance, and a choice, to share. 

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Helixes

"Three subtle energy currents:
Twin helixes around a jade pillar.
This glowing presence
Is the force of life itself."

My own sister always says, "The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." I believe it. 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Determination

"Lady butterfly,
I saw you a week ago.
Now you are back,
With your lover,
In tandem flights
And helical tangents:
How many times
You return gladly!"

The work I have to do, I will keep doing. I will do more. I am only ever so grateful that I no longer have to do it alone. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Commitment

"Maiden plucks folk tune on steel strings,
Crickets chant like monks.
I've walked into autumnal contentment,
Yet a young boy seeks guidance."

As I enter this time of taking on new things, may I draw on His love, wisdom, energy and truth like never before. I already feel my soul being refreshed and abounding in hope at new possibilities.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Sweeping

"Gold dawn disk edges purple cliffs.
Old woman bends to sweep temple steps.
She bathes each stone with loving care.
How many worshipers think of her work?"

At the parish I attended in Frankfurt, I remember the pastor often inviting us to reflect on our favorite images of Jesus, or our own ways of imagining Him. One he returned to again and again, citing the verse I chose for today, was Jesus as the chambermaid--as someone who lovingly waits and makes ready for us.

To me this was always exceptionally sweet and surprising, not only because of the obvious gender-bending at play, but also because, from what little I know of a certain period of my grandma's life before she became my grandma, she worked for a short time as a chambermaid at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego. I was blessed to see in her ever after a model of loving and devoted service--one I understood as so very Christlike whenever I heard the pastor's message.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Modesty

"Have you ever had a knot in your shoelace?
You have to bend down to untie it."

I think the pursuit of humility should be natural: Not a matter of outward show, but a cultivation of inner attitudes and sparks to action. True modesty will manifest itself in self-expression--not in how one holds back or stifles oneself, but in how one values oneself.

I learned this in a spiritual direction encounter one time. The nun I was working with told me I had a very good self-image. I had never thought about it before, and felt a little embarrassed. Then I realized she was right, because I should. The standards I hold should keep me humble and modest, not serve to inflate me. The goodness in the self-image stands when my own view is balanced. As I continue to face challenges, I can serve infinitely better if I give due recognition to my own growth in grace to meet them. 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Nature

"My back is stooped from scholarship,
My eyes are dimmed by history's words.
Surrounded though I may be by learning,
I still cannot compare with nature's perfection."

Only a fool would even try to compare his or her own endeavors with those of nature. It's true we are all the work of His hands, but our own works can only ever be an homage to Him. May I never miss a chance, or a choice, to pause and recognize how small, but how integral, I truly am: As a part of nature, not a master of it; with a responsibility for and to it, not a power over it. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Style

"An old man sits on a granite step.
He plucks a treasured guitar.
The strings throb with feeling;
He needs no audience to open his heart.

A boy enthusiastically wants to learn his style.
'Style?' asks the man slowly. 'My style is made of
The long road of life, of heartbreak
And joy, and people loved, and loneliness.
Of war and its atrocities.
Of a baby born.
Of burying parents and friends.
My scale is the seven stars of the dipper
The hollow of my guitar is the space between heaven and earth.
How can I show you my style?
You have your own young life.'"

I think this is the best reminder that whatever I do, I must do with authenticity. That requires nothing if not humility. The combination invites me to make the most of every small step, joy, and opportunity, and to greet the unexpected with hope and curiosity.

Appreciation

"The sun rose and set today in twelve hours.
We plucked golden pears from arching branches.
Climbing a thousand steps to a rustic temple,
We made our offerings to the gods.

At nightfall, we sat in warm companionship.
A crescent moon joined our circle.
Dipping water from the silver-braided stream,
We set it bubbling in an earthenware pot.

It's not easy to brew good tea,
But this teapot has a venerable history:
A scholar once pawned all his books for it.
Now it imparts the flavor of antiquity."

Doing good work and being honest with one another--if there is a simpler basis for a good and holy life, I don't know what it is. I do know that what I'm grateful for is a better chance to hone the basics while I wait for more. If it never comes, even being honest about my struggle, I will still choose to say thanks.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Innocence

"Black and orange butterfly--
Flying joyously.
Wings like a nun's hands:
First folded in prayer,
Then open in offering."

I was at Mass once where the priest quoted George Harrison: "Everything can wait but the search for God." Though I've seldom thought of it this way, I'll take this now as a reminder to look for the innocence in everyone. If I am to show mercy, as these times and their events demand, then I must learn to see with the eyes of the One who made me, to hear with His ears and feel with His heart. There is nothing better or greater to do anytime, but especially now. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Noninterference

"I love this lake,
Basin of heavenly tears,
Tilted from lunar pull
Jostling its shore.

I love these mountains,
Stark rock outcroppings,
Sculpted by the oceans,
Lifted at some unknown time,
Isolated in a field of vetch,
Cleaved by silver falls.

A sentinel owl regards me unblinkingly,
And beyond, alpine forests form a cadence
To a distant moon."

I cannot say how many times I have thought or expressed that I wish no harm on anyone currently operating in this new and truly terrifying administration; I wish only that they might become well and truly acquainted with the full extent of the consequences of their proposed actions, both those to come and those already in painful progress. Until then, I can only increase my commitment to preserving my own and our country's principles while countering those who would seek to undermine them. This is a prayer for peaceful coexistence among those who join in the efforts to do both. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Counterpoint

"It is blazing hot today.
Valley heat is drawn to meet the coast.
The cool days of autumn dance with false summer.
White within black, black within white."

That which seems true often isn't, and I know from experience that most truths, at least as interpreted by fellow humans, are neither self-evident nor universal. As we work toward justice, may mutual understanding breed harmony--and where there can be none, may discord breed a healthy dissent. 

Monday, January 30, 2017

Loneliness

"Loneliness need not be despair.
It could be opportunity."

I know my husband and I are feeling so isolated right now. Our status as disabled Americans will harm us more than anything, we fear. But until such time as our lives do come under direct threat, we will continue to move forward and connect with others. Every moment carries the opportunity and potential for action, even if that means just loving each other. I am grateful, and I will stay grateful, for my life, come what may. 

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Silence

"Seek silence.
Gladden in silence.
Adore silence."

Not long ago, my husband and I were in a Lyft car--we've always used only Lyft--being picked up from church. In the 5-minute drive from our parish to our apartment, the driver managed to pick my brain about the Catholic faith more thoroughly than anyone has done since I was in college, or possibly ever. Hearkening back to RCIA  and everything I'd ever learned in Newman Club, on various retreats and even our Engaged Encounter, I proceeded to give her as thorough a witness as possible, fresh from the homily and liturgy as we were. "Sorry for all the questions," she told me as she dropped us off. "No, it's good," I said. "We should all be ready to do that, no matter what we believe. Thank you."

I meant it. Not only because I always wish people would ask instead of assuming, but also because I think many of us in Christian faith communities in particular have become far too caught up in cultural assumptions about how other people, particularly other Christians, should think, believe and practice. I will spare you--or at least save for another time--a long, beleaguered post about the ways this is currently being expressed in American politics, and instead offer this view that seeking "a personal relationship with Jesus" has instead become self-seeking, that "God's plan for us" tends to look a lot more like our plan for God. Instead of looking at Jesus' sacrifice as an example, we ask only what it has gained for us. This is dangerous: Not pro-life, not Christ-like, and certainly not God-centered. I know that only when I quiet myself, and try to remove myself from the center of my daily affairs, do I find God--or even begin to look for Him in others. I now pray for blessed silence daily, in order to speak in wisdom and in truth when called upon.

Author's note: Many of the links here are cited for example only. I am painfully aware that what I bring up here is fodder for much further, deeper and more necessary exploration than I can do at the moment. That said, I intend to follow them up during the course of the rest of this blog, as well as in any resultant writings. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Stimulation

"Sex, coffee, liquor, and cigarettes
Are the totems of today.
Stimulation has replaced feeling."

What is it that people love to say: 'If it feels good, do it?' The experience I have of such things is that they often numb my feelings when I should seek to deepen them. For this reason I welcome the sense of emotional overwhelm that accosts me these days. As I move among my fellow folks with great tenderness, hope and even joy are revealed to me. Out of this comes my compassion, and with compassion there is no room for fear or dread. 

Friday, January 27, 2017

Bridge

"Dream arch shimmers in storm clouds:
Bridge between heaven and earth.
Its entrance is hard to find."

The one great hope I have is that through all this tumultuous political process, the very most ruined parts, places, and hearts in our society will be laid bare so as to be built back up and over into something better, stronger, and right. I remember saying to a friend right after the election that over and over again God has revealed the worst in me so that I may be empowered to change it. This is what's necessary for growth, and for healing. The fact that it's happening in our country on a grand scale is horrifying, but we must face it. We must change it. We must strike out in a new direction, over territory we never dared cross before.


Thursday, January 26, 2017

Cleansing

"Early autumn rain cleanses away smeared heat.
A grateful traveler takes in crystal skies and crisp air.
Distant mountains seem more vast and blue,
And the sound of the waterfall grows more loud."

Despite burgeoning worries, concerns, and fears, the newness of life persists around us. In the midst of horrifying notions, inspirations shock us like sparks. When we have no hope, we must be hope, especially if we doubt our hearts are pure enough to handle it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Breakthrough

"In late summer, heaven's breath is damply hot.
It smothers the earth with dullness.
Suddenly, thick clouds gather:
A wave of polar air passes like a frigid rake.
Acorns fall like bullets,
And a new wind breaks through."

May the best of my country and the best of humanity break through this time of stagnation under oppressive leadership. May we each break through to each other in new, exciting, love-filled ways that allow us to herald a new heaven and a new earth...May we all be written in the book of life of the Lamb. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Arbitrary

"Meaning in life is arbitrary.
Why ruin the universe with rigidity?"

I think the most important risk I can take is to let go. Since I've become more open to the patterns and wisdom already in nature, I understand my connection to it all much better, and there is enough supposed meaning to sustain my philosophical side. What's important is the connection itself, not my ideas about it. Those will work themselves out as I remain available to learn and grow. As I embrace everything new, the fear leaves me, and a hopeful curiosity replaces it. The meaning of that, I can only make as I go. My creativity sustains me, and whatever meaning others make of that is just their own. 

Monday, January 23, 2017

Indefinite

"Spring was a time of swaggering declarations.
Reaching autumn, one finds few absolutes.
Life is mystery and ambiguity,
Toward winter, that now seems agreeable and comfortable."

Being willing to admit that I understand little has been the most empowering thing in the world for me. It puts me in the best position to seek and entertain possibilities, especially when finding the way forward can seem a painful and distasteful task. At moments of overwhelm, I strive to be the most open. Thereby I let go of what I think I know, and make way for the unknown, which must be with me all along. 

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Conundrum

"Which came first,
Experience or meaning?"

The above would seem to be the least of all the conundrums humans face. Why, for example, do some people insist only on looking at a few violent incidents to try to discredit one of the largest peaceful protests in history? On the other side of the coin, why people use peaceful aims to try and justify violence is beyond me. Violence breeds only death, and where that leaves everyone is clear. Our experiences will have no meaning if we do not live to have them. There is no conundrum to "live and let live," and to that I would add "love and let love." Why go around and around in a conundrum when God calls us forward

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Patience

"This apple is like a jewel,
With every shade of red and green
And a perfect shape.
What a miraculous fruit."

A popular expression in recovery is, "Don't leave before the miracle happens." Time and time again I have been tempted against this, certainly in my personal life and still also at this point in history, when I fight daily against the sense that I chose the wrong time to live outside the country. Strong as that temptation might be, the thing to remember is that all my experiences are preparing me to do the best, most challenging work of my life yet. Though there is only ever so ready a person can be, I think I finally have the awareness that will allow me to prepare and embrace both my work and my life in their fullness.

Deserving

"Prostrate before the altar.
Are you worthy of your deity?
Can you eliminate profanity,
And strive for constant adoration?"

Lately I have been thinking less and less of what I might deserve--in what happens to me or in whatever I get--and more and more about what I must do. Through my actions, may I help make the blessings of God available to everyone so that they, too, might be inspired out of entitlement. 

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Vitality

"Snail, tiny spiral in calcified membrane;
Inchworm, a hairpin dragon;
Bumblebee, blob of black velvet and yellow,
White butterfly, syncopated burst of gladness;
Naked bulbs, white pubic tentacles in crumbling soil;
Pears, children of earth and sun."

We are careening ever closer to the results of a dangerous misinterpretation of man's dominion over nature. Just as a manager must be part of the team, we--however we may be called to "subdue" it--are still a part of nature. It grows in, through and with us. Just like the animals and plants, we are creatures. Only when we recognize ourselves in humility before our Creator can we share fully in the vitality of nature.


Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Reverence

"An ocean of ink in a single drop,
Trembling at the tip of my brush.
Poised above stark white paper,
A universe waits for existence."

Sometimes there is such peace in observing people, and animals, at work with simple tasks. I think I've said this before, but it's no wonder, the quiet power such diligence has and the fear it can instill. I think we need to harness that power for the resistance in the time to come. If we take every step forward with reverence, nothing can stop us from doing right. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Outlook

"Spawned from a mountain cataract,
The long river surges to the sea.
Its torrents savage its igneous bed,
Yet one blade of rock twists it tightly.
Angry waves plow stone furrows into a maze,
And boats find it difficult to maneuver.
From this point, one man held off an entire army,
And poets found inspiration among nests of eagles."

There is a saying I find helpful, "What you focus on grows." At the same time, I think it's worth distinguishing between the foci I choose and the ones brought to my attention by, well, life, the universe, and everything. In those cases, I suppose, how much attention I give them is my choice, and there is the responsibility to discern the purpose of whatever, or whoever, shows up. I recognize that I am in a time of my life that means skill-gathering--as I look back over the many experiences I've had and all the work I've tried to do, I can bring forward the many parts and pieces that have served me well. Each moment of life, even in frightening times like these, does not always have to be new and bewildering. If knowledge is power, then experience is the tool. I can use both together to continue to find my way. 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Receptivity

"I want to make myself an empty room:
Quiet whitewashed walls with slant sunshine
And a fresh breeze through open windows."

I am learning that at a time when action is necessary, rest is also required, in equal if not in greater measure. So much of the struggle of my faith is allowing God to refresh, revive, and heal my spirit. How can I do His work if I don't let Him in? Maybe this is why they call it recreation. 

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Dove

"A dove got caught in the rafters last night.
I had quite a time trying to get her out.
She hit her head several times in panic.
Only when she was stunned was I able to care for her.

In the paper there was this quote from a sage:
'Human nature was originally one and we were a whole,
And the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love.'"

'The desire and pursuit of the whole': Is that not also God? But do we ever understand God's intentions? We seek his protection, but we are called to perfection, so we have trials. I know mine often panic me to such an extent that I don't seek help until it seems almost too late. I pray daily to be more alive to the help that is always there. 

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Tree

"Did you measure to attain your height?
Did you use geometry to radiate your limbs?
Did you lament storm-torn branches?
Did you inventory your leaves for the sun?
You did none of these things, yet man in his cleverness
Cannot match your perfection."

I ought to pray, "Dear God, make me as still and wise and knowing and created as a tree." The trees seem to know so well that they are God's creatures that they stay rooted and alive far longer than any of us can even imagine. May I learn from these and other aspects of creation how to be less sinful, more whole--rooted in God's wisdom and growing in His grace. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Garden

"Blinding heat divides day from night,
Brands short shadows into fecund soil.
Green tendrils, heavy with beans,
Coil around rustic bamboo racks.
Violet flowers gape erotically among velvet leaves:
A single gourd contains the entire world's dream."

I often wonder what God's dream is for us. When things are going well, it seems so simple and clear. When shadows fall and dark pain steals in, I don't remember that God and His plans are unaffected by the cares of this world. Because of that, it's even more vital to seek a connection with Him. I've heard that nature is the art of God, but I often wonder instead if we are the art and nature is His medium. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Farmers

"Plain country folk with rounded bodies,
Skin turning to bronze in the valley heat.
Why talk to them about Tao?
They eat when they are hungry.
They sleep when they are sleepy.
Even a sage with infinite permutations
Could not match their simplicity."

In my efforts to simplify and focus my life, there is the hope that I will soon bring forth something new. Embracing the patient, unhurried nature of cultivation is the greatest challenge for me. The changes I seek take not only effort, but also time. If I pay attention, I will know I have plenty of both. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Dialogue

"I still talk in my sleep.
I still dream.
How can there be perfect stillness
When my brain's so noisy?"

In the heart's core, of all of us, there is both good and evil. We bring forth that to which we give the most attention. To achieve balance there must be an awareness of each, and a willingness to choose aright. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Heart

"Imagine your heart as an opening lotus.
From its center comes a crimson child,
Pure, virginal, and innocent."

It's hard to imagine this time as a time of renewal. For most of the past year I've been feeling so beaten down by life in general that it's been a challenge to stay in touch with the true core of my being. At the same time--and for most of my life, really--I've feared that I had nothing pure and true and good to offer, and that to wish for any such thing was just a waste of time. I'm slowly realizing that that's not the case, and that with the right steps forward, the pure, good, and true things I long for can be mine, if I stay honest about them, and about my desires.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Utopia

"Chant one million times for world peace, they told me.
Pray three times a day to end all wars.
Practice austerities to liberate all living beings.
But the world's miseries have never diminished."

I think I have learned that God is not a solver but a presenter of problems. He's like the kind of teacher I want to be, who won't show you the answer but will help you see how to get to it. Earlier tonight my husband and I were talking about how doing the right thing is often simple, but never easy. It seems only natural that, along the way to the narrow gate, one would hit a few walls. The important thing is not to get discouraged, so one must always be careful that one's own vision for the future is clear and true. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Goal

"What is an archer
Without a target?"

I cannot let the purpose of my own life be lost amid the strife and pain of this country at present. If anything, I must intensify my focus as I continue to expand it. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Youth

"You've left home too soon:
Drunks frighten you, profligates paw you.
What good is a hermit's jewel?"

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how people say youth is wasted on the young. I often wonder if I wasted mine, and sometimes wish that the opportunities I have now had come to me before. This has been especially since I read somewhere that "love brings you to the end," and so I also often fear that perhaps what's been happening in my life now means that I actually will die soon. This is why I am grateful to have discovered--and rediscovered--Tao these past few years. It's helped me to bring my notions and experiences of both life and death into balance. With this balance comes some measure of peace. With peace comes energy: The energy not to despise either my youth, or the time I have left. 

Friday, January 6, 2017

Matrix

"This fragile body
Is matrix
For mind and soul."

We may be born into our bodies, but the consciousness that created us has been here since the world was made. To our places and times we belong, but we also belong to the world, and to the One who created it. 

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Body

"I am not this fragile body."

Ironic that this is the day when I chose to post about the most insidious discrimination I face: Ableism.  Yes, I am more than my body; yes, I am more than "just" a disabled identity--but the only thing that makes that true is that I am not alone. I am more, because we are together. A friend of mine says that, "The body is the great leveler," and for a long time I couldn't get that, when I felt that mine had been so compromised in so many ways, not least by how so many others have always seemed to perceive it. Yet identities are not forged in isolation; even one who directly experiences social isolation, as I did for many years, is usually aware of the distance and space between themselves and others. I finally found that the body is one way to bridge that, precarious as it may seem. It is important; as both creature and creation, it is a perfect partner to the soul. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Imprisonment

""Our subjectivity
Is a mirrored,
Spiked casket."

Sometimes I wonder if there is any more to this world than just the longing to be free. Perhaps everyone with a sense of purpose in their lives achieves some level of that freedom. Some people say it all comes down to gratitude. I look around and feel grateful for all I have, but that also only serves to deepen and focus a certain longing and hope for other gifts--those gifts that, some people say, might not free me after all. But how to have freedom from want without growing callous? And so I dare to stay open, despite my sense of lack and unworthiness. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Stress

"Job pressures are overwhelming.
Responsibilities are heavy.
When I close my eyes,
The demands of others are all I see."

I was expecting to feel a lot more like this today. Instead, I found myself moving through my day, at most parts, with relative ease. When I close my eyes, I tend to get in my own way. I get overwhelmed by the darkness I feel, and the fear. I try to remember that I'm never truly alone unless I choose to be, that what I feel and experience now is only a temporary problem instead of the way things have to be. It's easy enough to say that change requires courage; it's a lot more difficult to be the courage, and the change. 

Monday, January 2, 2017

Spider

"Mind in the center
Radiates to eight legs,
Creating a supreme web
To sift Tao."

I am reminded today that there is not a creature in Heaven or on Earth that is not under God's care. We live, and move, and are in Him. The ongoing challenge is to do it all for Him, too. I often doubt if I am up to it, and then my sorrow creeps in. I must cast that into the web of lies I spin myself, and put myself even more firmly under His protection and care. Humble surrender, a shedding of losses, a readiness to embrace the new: I step toward Him now more fearlessly, even as I fear Him. 

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Prophets

"The prophets have their secrets
And their certain magic.
I am not a prophet.
I know only the ordinary.
That is my Tao."

I have often thought that a gift of mine--better call it a blessing bestowed--is to see the ordinary in an extraordinary way. Perhaps that is what has attracted me to follow Tao. Perhaps that is also what has always drawn me to that One Solitary Life that seems to confound the prophets even as He fulfills them.