"If you fill every waking moment
of your children's lives
they will have no room
to be themselves.
If you push them constantly
they will break.
If you burden them with an abundance
of material toys
their hearts will contract in possessiveness.
If you always try to please them
you will be their prisoner,
not their parent.
Don't strive or strain.
Do your work, then rest.
Your children will learn serenity.
Are your children 'problems to be solved,'
or people to be loved?
Consider current problems with your children.
Can you create a space,
free from your own anxieties,
in which they are able to find their own way,
feeling your love,
but not your expectations?"
Before my daughter was born, for many, many years, I followed parenting discussions on social media. Mom-shaming aside, there was always something else about them that bothered me. I could never quite put my finger on it, always dismissing it as just my own envy over not being a parent yet. As I've gradually gotten back into said discussions, also enjoying some one on one as I try to keep up with various close "mom friends" who are at a distance, I've realized that they're pretty one-sided--meaning that the focus is so much on "raising the child," as one might a vegetable, perhaps: to be productive, to be successful, to be good. While I think most parents do want their children to become kind people who contribute their gifts generously to the world, I finally have figured out that these child-rearing conversations veer away from the most essential element: that parenting is about a relationship, to which the growth of both parties is essential. The way I figure it practically, if I can focus on who my daughter is in the ever-evolving present, then she will be equipped to become the adult she's meant to be.
of your children's lives
they will have no room
to be themselves.
If you push them constantly
they will break.
If you burden them with an abundance
of material toys
their hearts will contract in possessiveness.
If you always try to please them
you will be their prisoner,
not their parent.
Don't strive or strain.
Do your work, then rest.
Your children will learn serenity.
Are your children 'problems to be solved,'
or people to be loved?
Consider current problems with your children.
Can you create a space,
free from your own anxieties,
in which they are able to find their own way,
feeling your love,
but not your expectations?"
Before my daughter was born, for many, many years, I followed parenting discussions on social media. Mom-shaming aside, there was always something else about them that bothered me. I could never quite put my finger on it, always dismissing it as just my own envy over not being a parent yet. As I've gradually gotten back into said discussions, also enjoying some one on one as I try to keep up with various close "mom friends" who are at a distance, I've realized that they're pretty one-sided--meaning that the focus is so much on "raising the child," as one might a vegetable, perhaps: to be productive, to be successful, to be good. While I think most parents do want their children to become kind people who contribute their gifts generously to the world, I finally have figured out that these child-rearing conversations veer away from the most essential element: that parenting is about a relationship, to which the growth of both parties is essential. The way I figure it practically, if I can focus on who my daughter is in the ever-evolving present, then she will be equipped to become the adult she's meant to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment