81. Within the Stream

 "Words will never bring

our children to a knowledge of the Tao.

We don't need to argue.

We don't need to teach.

We don't need to push.

We don't need to strive.

We only need to live

content within the Stream.

My words are over.

I wrote them for myself,

that I might hear them often enough

to begin to understand them.

And as I begin to understand them,

may I begin to live them.

If looking over my shoulder

has brought you some pleasure,

I am content."

I write to connect with myself and others. What I thought would be a single project/exercise several years ago has taken on a life of its own and seen me through two of my biggest life milestones to date. As I prepare for a third, I am already planning the next phase of this blog. Having things to look forward to is a blessing. Being able to share those things is a bigger one yet. I'm glad I'm still here, and still moving forward.

80. Empty Nest

"If parents follow wisdom,

their children remain happy. 

They content themselves

with simple pleasures

and don't look to constant stimulation

to keep themselves amused.

They love being at home

and don't have to go elsewhere 

for approval and acceptance.

When they leave home

to continue with their own adventure,

they carry with them

confidence, contentment, and joy.

And their parents watch them leave,

with satisfaction, peace, and happiness.

The 'empty nest syndrome'

should never bother

parents of the Tao.

Of course we'll miss our children.

But all their lives we have helped them

embrace life and welcome change.

We have learned to do the same.

New moments await us.

Our nest,

and theirs, 

is never empty."

I am grateful for the time I spent living alone. Through it, I learned to fill my own cup, and how to fashion a bigger cup for moments when I wanted or needed more out of life. This is not to say I was always happy to do so, or that it was easy to do at all. It wasn't. Over time it became so difficult that I found myself running into situations in which I perceived that I wouldn't have to do it all alone. Such situations have both brought me great joy, and gotten me in a lot of trouble. As I recuperate from and gain perspective on it all, I discover better how to model self-sufficiency and contentment for my daughter. I reconnect with the parts of myself I honed during that profound alone time. I know they have been a reserve of strength for me at this time in history of necessary distance from others. May they help me be more available when we can all be together again. 

79. Refuse to Level Blame

 "Parents of the Tao

refuse to level blame.

They watch the evening news

without complaining.

They observe the failures of others

and never gloat.

When their children

let them down

they remain serene.

They fulfill their own duties

and never worry about others.

There is never a need to blame our children

for anything.

We can, of course, correct them.

We can guide them gently

and with wisdom.

But blaming our children

for their faults

is not the only problem.

Monitor your conversations

for a seven day period.

Make a note each time

that you complain or blame

concerning anything.

Your children listen.

Are they learning to blame others,

or take constructive action?"

I am grateful to my parents for teaching me to take responsibility for my actions and choices. One thing I wish they had done a better job of modeling or communicating to me is how to distinguish between what I do and do not have control over. The biggest thing I am learning as a parent now is how little actually falls into the former category. Oddly, this makes me feel more at ease. Life becomes about doing what I can, and respecting myself and others enough to recognize my own limitations. Hopefully this will equip me to help my daughter take a realistic view of her own. 

78. Difficulties Are Overcome By Yielding

 "Parents facing hardship and sorrow

must become like water.

They must  embrace 

the hardest things of life

and enfold them with their heart. 

Death and loss are overcome

with gentleness and serenity.

We all want to protect our children 

from the sorrow and loss of life.

We cannot.

But the way we behave

when faced with these things

will give our children all they need

to remain at peace.

Remember water.

Nothing hard can stop it.

What hardships are you facing?

What are your children learning

as they watch you?

Over the past three years or so my family and I have faced more different difficulties together than I would have thought possible for one small group of folks to handle. I am grateful for the hard lessons I learned early on in life that have equipped me to embrace hardships since then if not with ease, then at least with some measure of grace. This also is not easy to maintain, but I never stop trying. 

77. Never Seek to Triumph Over Your Children

 "Parents who follow the Tao,

never seek to triumph

over their children.

They have no need of winning

to protect their position.

Their position is secure.

Nor do they let their children

triumph over them.

This would harm their children.

Winning and losing

have no meaning

to such parents.

They always find the balance

between too much

and too little.

No one is afraid of them.

They are afraid of no one.

There are times,

especially when they are young,

that we must impose our will

upon our children.

But do so only for their safety.

It is all too easy

to use our size and power

to intimidate our children

and get our way.

This does not teach the Tao."

The way I see it, my children are my triumph. They are my way. Why would I try to best them, or get in their way? For me to intimidate the people I love who have opened my heart the most, challenged me to love the most and be my best, would be a sin indeed. 

76. Hold Tight Only to Compassion

 "It has been said by experts,

'You must be consistent,

or your children will be confused.'

Nonsense.

Who among us is consistent? 

Circumstances are always changing.

Children become confused

when parents become rigid,

holding rules about love.

Be consistently flexible.

Hold tight only to compassion.

As people age they become

either soft and supple,

or hard and brittle,

both in mind and body.

I have seen profound examples

of each type,

so have you.

Which are you becoming?

Children are flexible

in body and in spirit.

The greatest gift we can give them,

is to become the same."

I have mentioned before what a struggle it can be for me to adhere to any structure or routine. As a parent I depend a lot on my husband, who thrives on what I like to tease him about as his "schedule," to help me provide this for our daughter. I am making my peace with this difference between us by learning to see a schedule or routine as a framework for being responsive. This I know I can always do with compassion, but I have to maintain some compassion for myself, too. Finding the best way to be consistently flexible may also help me establish the kind of loving authority I hope to achieve as a caring, mindful parent--the kind that will help me make and keep agreements with my daughter, and model integrity for her, and the kind that will help me set and maintain boundaries so I don't need to fear the mistakes I will, inevitably, make. 

75. Space and Time

 "If parents are always intruding

into the world of their children,

the children will lose their independent spirit.

If parents impose rule after rule

on the behavior of their children,

the children will lose their self-confidence.

Keep your children safe,

but do not be afraid

to leave them alone.

I once heard a child counselor say,

'You can never spend too much time

with your children.'

Yes, you can.

Children need, of course,

the assurance of your presence.

But they also need,

at every age,

plenty of space to play the games,

to imagine the futures,

and to dream the dreams

of childhood.

Too much time spent together

may be serving your needs,

not theirs."

I love watching my daughter play independently. I love playing with her, too, but when she engages in an activity, with a toy or book, by herself, it's a breath of fresh air. As for self-confidence, I never had much; as for my independent spirit, I never felt very entitled to it (even though I realize now I absolutely was, and am.) More than anything I want my daughter to know I trust her, and respect her. I love who she is, and as I witness her growth into herself, I can only keep growing into myself, too. 

74. River of Change

 "The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school,

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.

If you try to stop it

you will drown.

Neither we,

nor our children,

will avoid change,

loss, and death.

But our children 

will interpret these things

through the vision we give them.

If you can manage

to see through your fear

of these three things,

your children will have

the greatest vision possible."

The one thing I pray over my daughter the most now is that she will have the courage to tell the truth of (and about) her own life, always. The cost of not speaking up is too great to do otherwise. I have learned that the hard way, many times over. While I'd like to spare her that particular lesson if I can, I know she will have her own to learn, no matter what. 

73. Open Your Arms Wide

 "Wise parents do not strive,

yet their purposes never fail.

They are available,

but never interfere.

They communicate,

but never lecture.

They let their children go,

but never lose them.

These parents are like the Tao.

They open wide their hearts 

and hands,

yet never lose a thing.

If I grasp my children

and my other treasures,

I will have only

what my arms can hold.

And even that

slips through my grasp.

But the wider I have opened my arms,

the more and more I find.

If I can ever open wide,

I will have everything."

I hope I can teach my daughter to face rejection and loss with grace and equanimity. I think I have finally reached such a place in my own life, and feel that I have lost nothing, in fact, but only gained insight. Sometimes it's still difficult to bear, but I believe I understand now that if I keep my heart open, it can always be full. 

72. Natural Spirituality

 "Do not try to teach

religion to your children.

Teach them instead

to marvel at the wonder

of life in all its manifestations.

A natural spirituality will be born

and grow within their hearts.

Trying to teach religion

creates dependence

upon the words of others.

If your children depend

upon their own experience,

they will never go astray.

I served as a clergyman

for two decades of my life.

I know for certain that religion

is as different from natural spirituality

as night is

from the light of day.

Never worry

about your children's souls.

Your child's soul

belongs to the Tao

and is the one reality in life

that is beyond all danger,

always."

I want to raise my daughter to know her own mind, so that she can protect it fiercely. I grew up so paralyzed by self-doubt that I could barely make decisions or accept good things that came my way. I was convinced I deserved only the bad. Even now, when I experience conscious moments of ease and joy I get scared and suspicious. I worry. I am grateful not to fear struggle, but I need to welcome blessings, too. In my daughter I see them all. I know she will know both blessings and struggles I never have. May she greet everything more readily and bravely than I ever have. 

71. Have Confidence

"The confident parent

is not the one who knows

how to parent in every situation.

The confident parent

is the one who knows

that knowledge will emerge

in the midst of the situation.

This parent's mind

is free of complications,

ready to respond

without preconceptions.

This parent will always act rightly.

My confidence in the future

for my children,

and for me,

exists because I know

we are all part of the Tao.

Come good and bad,

life and death,

that will always be true.

Somehow I will know,

when the time comes,

exactly what to do."

I was telling a friend recently about how, since I became a parent, I feel not only more trust in God, but also that God trusts me, too. I wish I had learned sooner how to be receptive to that. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't is tied to the other big lessons I've learned recently about how trust isn't and cannot be a one-way street. It will be a while before my family and I have fully recovered from trusting the wrong people, but the best way I know to heal is to learn to trust myself again. My daughter gives me a unique opportunity to do that every day, and I'm so grateful. 

70. Trust the Tao

 "The teachings of the parent's Tao

are simple and natural.

Yet when you try to practice them

you will be met with great resistance.

Children have been raised

contrary to the Tao

for countless thousands of years.

No one will support you.

But look around at the effects

of these countless thousands of years.

Then look inside your heart.

The Way of the Tao

has always been here.

Some parents have found it.

Few talk about it.

It seems to them only natural.

They don't call it the Tao.

They just enjoy it.

But for many of us

parenting has been filled with struggle.

There is a better way.

You don't have to learn it.

You already know it.

You only have to trust it."

Most of what people call the developed world is a capitalist, patriarchal society that pits people against each other. What I've learned over the past year or so of trying to live in direct, active resistance to this is that it takes more than changing material structures or work environments to counter the effects. It takes serious internal and interpersonal work so that competitiveness, fragility, and pettiness fall away and the urge to dominate ceases. One person's true power comes from their integrity and is never a threat anyone else's. As I raise my daughter, I must remember that if I try to invoke my power as a parent, I will fail her. Instead if I invite her to step into her power by sharing my own, I will be trusting her and showing her the Way. 

69. Martial Arts

 "The martial master understands

how to yield and triumph.

When his opponent's blow arrives,

he is not there.

He moves,

yet maintains position,

bends,

but stays balanced.

As a parent you must do the same.

When your children oppose you,

do not meet their opposition with force.

Bend and they will topple.

You will win your point

without harming them.

Thus in yielding,

you will truly triumph.

I wish all parents could know

the art of T'ai Chi Ch'uan.

In this graceful martial art,

balance, softness,

flexibility, and grace

are the means by which

the goal is always reached.

Remember that this does not imply

your children always get their way.

Quite the opposite.

You give them unwavering guidance,

but without violence, tension and grief.

It is a difficult practice,

but full of great reward."

In life I have hardly ever "gotten my way." But the closest I have ever come to what I suppose I could call success is by getting out of my own way. I have learned to do this by yielding to my circumstances, rather than trying to fight them. This does not mean that I have had to give in or sacrifice my integrity or principles. Rather, it is by being flexible in my response to my circumstances that I have had the greatest opportunity to apply my principles and bring my integrity to bear on various situations. I try to model the same for my daughter by understanding that it's not my way, but the Way, that I aim to show her. If I keep my mind on this, balance, softness, flexibility, and grace will be with me. 

68. Fun and Games

 "Before your children learn to win or lose,

they play at games for fun.

But then they come to believe

that they must win

at games,

at business,

and at war.

They even learn to win or lose

at love.

But the Tao teaches

that games are for fun,

that business is for the common good,

that no one wins at war,

and that love endures for all.

Do you play your games for fun?

Do you work for the common good?

Do you divide the world into friends 

and enemies?

Do you love selectively?

Can you really 'lose' at love?

Examine all of these with honesty.

The answers will reveal

what your children are truly learning."

For almost two years I lived with someone who had told me she didn't love people unconditionally. At the time I thought it wouldn't matter, because I loved her unconditionally and was committed to making the arrangement work for everyone involved. I have since learned ever so slowly and painfully that unconditional love can never be one-sided. It must be fully and consistently reciprocal. It's in the reciprocity that any conditions are met and exceeded. I beat myself up that I should have realized this already; I could have saved my family and myself a lot of heartache and potential danger (which isn't yet completely past.) Right now I'm grateful to know I still have a lot to learn about the true nature of unconditional love. It lets me know my work is far from over, and that brings me joy. 

67. Compassion, Patience, and Simplicity

 "There are only three qualities

you must teach your children.

Compassion, patience, and simplicity.

Some would say this is absurd.

They would teach instead,

ambition, drive, and consumption,

and say it is the way of success.

But if they learn patience,

they see the world as it truly is.

If they learn simplicity,

they see themselves as they truly are.

And if they learn compassion,

they heal themselves 

and the world.

Following the Tao as a parent

will often seem opposed

to conventional parenting wisdom.

The confusion lies in ourselves as parents.

We don't know what we truly want,

or who we truly are.

Compassion, patience, and simplicity

cannot be taught

until they are experienced.

And when we experience them,

we lose the need to teach them.

We live them instead.

And then our children learn."

I tell myself over and over that my daughter will learn the most from how I treat her, and how I treat myself. Even before she had arrived, since my children were and have been so longed for, I spent a lot of time working hard to get to the core of who I am, so that I could learn to treat myself well. The entire process has taught me patience; while I have had to put effort into self-compassion, the focus on my authentic self has made the striving for simplicity almost effortless. For the first time in many years my purpose is clear and I trust myself. While none of this is easy to maintain, I embrace the difficulty. I understand now it's what I was made for. 

66. Lead By Example

 "If you want your children follow

along a certain path,

you must lead the way the ocean

leads a river home,

by remaining below it.

If you manipulate, coerce,

and bully your children,

you will have no power at all.

If you lead with humility, gentleness,

and by example,

you will need no power at all.

Power over your children

is the great illusion.

By the time they are six years old,

they will do what they want.

You can bully them

so that they think they want

what you want.

Is that what you want?"

As an ESL teacher I learned, "Show, don't tell." Now I am learning it is the same with my babies. If I model behavior, they will be free to choose to follow. Even while my daughter is still so young, I am finding ways to give her opportunities to do the right--or safe, or constructive--thing. I am trying to teach her the vocabulary she will need in order to understand why something isn't a good idea. I may tell her knives are sharp, the stove is hot, or the trash is dirty, but I do my best to show her what to do about it all. If I can help her take responsibility, then she won't need my power because she will have her own. 

65. Knowledge Or Wisdom?

 "If you try to teach your children

all the facts and answers

you think they need to know,

they will end up knowing nothing.

If instead you help them look

deep within themselves,

you will have led them to the source,

from where all answers flow.

Don't look to schools 

to teach your children wisdom.

Being 'Student of the Month'

will not insure happiness.

Your children will have to learn the Way

from other sources,

perhaps from you."

Throughout this pandemic, I have been grateful that my daughter isn't yet school age. In the midst of all the other problems in America today, I have questioned the idea of even sending her to school at all. I am pretty sure we all have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do in order to redress the wrongs that permeate American society. I am hopeful that by the time my daughter does reach school age, we can be well into a process of revolutionizing her education. I believe it is the best thing we can do in order to reach the true source, love.

64. The Only Step Necessary

 "You do not have to make your children

into wonderful people.

You only have to remind them

that they are wonderful people.

If you do this consistently

from the day they are born

they will believe it easily.

You cannot force your will

upon other human beings.

You cannot hurry children

along the road to maturity.

And the only step necessary

on their long journey of life,

is the next small one.

I designed and printed a bumper sticker

when my son was a teenager.

It said,

'My child is an ordinary student,

and a wonderful person.'

My son loved it.

Both of my children are,

always have been, 

and always will be,

wonderful people.

The same is true of your children.

No matter what."

One time when I was in confession, the priest referred to me as "your good self,"--an odd thing to hear upon confessing one's sins. It planted an important seed, though, of beginning to see myself as inherently good. As I reflect on it now, it reminds me of the time I told my mother I had never felt like a gift from God in anyone's life until I met my husband. When I confided this to her, she recoiled as if I had slapped her. In that moment I vowed I would not repeat her mistake with my own children. They will know they are good simply because they exist. While of course I pray that this knowledge will inspire them to choose to do good, I hope to also impress upon them that their goodness is not limited simply because their choices might be. I will help them do the best they can with what they have, every moment. 

63. Face Your Problems

 "Face your problems

with your children

while the problems

are still small.

If you give your full attention, 

without resentment,

the problems will become

no problem.

A problem is not an interruption

to a serene and happy life.

A problem is an ordinary part

of such a life.

Effort is not required.

If you pay calm attention,

solutions appear naturally.

For years I was afraid

of my children's problems.

I had enough of my own.

I tried to solve their problems

by decree and pronouncement from on high.

So their problems grew and grew.

I was not present to myself.

How could I be present to them?

As I have grown older,

problems are no longer problems,

just life.

They needn't separate us

from our children.

Don't be afraid."

In July my family and I moved out of an emotionally and financially abusive living situation. In June I had found out that I'm pregnant again, but by August I--already a veteran of two miscarriages--was experiencing bleeding which made me think I was losing this baby, too. Later that month, we discovered a rat infestation in our new place, and we moved to a local motel for three weeks. Since moving back into our apartment in mid-September we have struggled with a broken microwave and refrigerator, a leaky bathtub, a faulty toilet, and just today we've discovered another leak, this time under our kitchen sink. Everything, one right after another thing, has put my husband and me to the test--individually and in our marriage. Our work and other commitments have been imperiled if not outright derailed by these ongoing distractions, disruptions, and distresses. But ironically, were it not for the pandemic continuing to ravage the outside world, we would not be home and as present to our daughter, whose own daily discoveries, developments, and delights encourage and delight us in turn. She shows us time after time that what we consider problems are in fact opportunities for growth and learning. As I see her confront the mysteries and wonder of her newly unfolding life, I am learning that my struggle becomes my strength, and my strength becomes my unwavering joy. 

62. Be Happy

 "If you have vast wealth,

it will be useless in teaching your children.

If you have great power,

it will be of no avail in securing their happiness.

If you have succeeded admirably in life, 

it will not help you keep your children safe.

Remember that you cannot teach

by preaching.

Try to live with peace, contentment,

love and compassion.

This will be your lecture.

This will be your lesson.

The happier I have allowed myself to be,

the happier my children have become.

The more I have become myself,

the more they have done the same.

This has occurred later in my life.

Don't wait."

In my life I have had to learn to be happy and seek joy. It has taken me more courage than I would have thought to do so through my marriage and family. A lot about my current situation has had much more to do with my circumstances than with my choices. I wish more people understood this. I want to teach my daughter to be realistic about both, so that she will learn to distinguish between times to accept her limitations, and times to challenge them. I find that often there are aspects of each in the unfolding of days. Discovering both can be a source of each, happiness--in embracing particular circumstances--and joy, in making distinctive choices.