15. Be Alert and Mindful

"If you would be a wise parent
be careful of all you do and say.
Know that each action,
each word
has its effect.
Be alert and mindful,
living fully in each present moment.
Treat your children with courtesy
as you would treat a guest.
Be ready in a moment
to let go of one plan
and embark on another
if your inner voice so urges.
Have room within your heart
to hear the voice of both
your children
and your own spirit.
Do not expect fulfillment
from events or people
outside yourself.
Welcome and accept
things as they are.
Welcome and accept
children as they are.

Treat yourself with gentle care.
These qualities emerge naturally,
not by force of will."

I've realized even in these early days that parenting is good practice not giving a fuck: What people think, what they do in response to the best parenting I can give/do in a particular moment, what happens to any material object or space as long as my daughter is safe at any given time. This is not to say I'm not teaching her to respect her home or things; quite the contrary, I am hopeful that I can help her embrace the freedom to enjoy, appreciate, and learn from what's been given to her. In this sense, parenting also gives me practice at my intuition, not only in the stereotypical motherly way, but also in a way of deep, unwavering self-knowledge. If I can approach and guide my daughter with confidence, I can model strength of character as well as self-concept. Even in my own faltering I can teach her resilience. I am grateful for the hard-won strength to do so. I know I will need to keep cultivating it, so I can share it with her.

14. Their Mysterious Origin

"Did your children really begin
with the union of your bodies?
Or is their origin more mysterious?

Eternal
means no time,
no beginning,
no end.
Do your children,
who visit you in time,
really reside in eternity?

If you try to grasp them,
they slip away.
They are more than what you see and hear and
feel.
They belong somewhere else
and only visit here.
So why do you worry?

If the Tao is good, it is completely good,
and your children are safe regardless of appearances.
I believed that when my son was struggling with
problems.
I believe it now when he is a handsome, content
adult.
I will believe it if future trouble visits his life.
I believe it."

Two basic things come to mind here, and I'm not sure I could put them any better. First, from the Psalms: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble," and, from Paul's letter to the Romans, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Child-rearing requires trust. In my case, it took a long time to build, because before my daughter came along, I lost two babies.  Through all of that I felt I must see my children only in eternity. Now that at least one is here to stay awhile, I feel I owe her my open hands as well as my open heart. She is entrusted to my care only, not mine so much as God's and her own. To recognize and celebrate that is a gift, indeed.

13. Fear of Failure

"Beware of teaching your children
to climb the ladder of success.

Ladders lead down
as well as up.

If you overly protect your children
they will fear failure
and avoid pain.
But failure and pain
are twin teachers
of important lessons.
Unless your children fully experience both
how will they know
they have nothing to fear?

Your children do not learn from their successes.
They learn from their failures.
They must have complete permission to try
and fail,
and discover that they are still OK.
What has your child failed at recently?
How did they react?
How did that make you feel?
How can you each learn from this?"

My daughter talks to me all the time, but I understand only a little of what she says. She stands and steps frequently, is just starting to cruise, but falls as often as anything. None of this is failure; it's all growth. I'd like to help her maintain this precedent, so that she is free to delight in her own learning. It's something I never learned to do as a child, but it's interesting to have a child and to be part of a loving family at a point in my life when I seem otherwise to have failed so completely at making the kind of life and career I had envisioned for myself. I'm grateful that all the failure and pain have taught me how to let go. It's the one thing I'm unafraid to do. 

12. A Quiet Place

"Constant stimulation
of your children's senses
creates insensitivity.
They see so much they become blind.
They hear so much they become deaf.
They taste so much they become nauseated.
They desire so much they become forever
unsatisfied.

They do not come to know
that which truly satisfies.

It will be hard to create a quiet place
where your children can find their souls.
You must first quiet your own world
and then approach theirs.
They are accustomed
to the barrage of noise
and will complain loudly in its absence.
But you can find a quiet way.
What can you do today?
A walk?
A book?
A simple game?"

I love reading to my daughter, but I haven't done a whole lot of it yet. I love playing with her, but I also love sitting back and watching her play. I might wish to be with her every waking moment, but I also want her to feel confident and comfortable being on her own or with others. I'd like to give her choices, so she learns to make them. As she learns to control herself, she'll learn to trust herself, too. 

11. The Still Point

"A wheel spins in a circle.
The still point at the center
gives it direction,
Be still.
And your children will see
the way ahead.

A pot has beautiful sides.
The emptiness inside
makes it useful.
Empty yourself of agenda
and you will be available
for your children.

A good house has strong walls.
The space within the walls
makes it a home.
Create space within your heart
and your children
will always rest secure.

Suggesting, guiding, teaching and lecturing,
although well intentioned,
often creates confusion rather than clarity.
Are you filling the air with good advice
and helpful strategies
when you should be still, empty, and spacious?"

A very wise mom of 5 I know once told me about how, very early on in her parenting, she would take everything her kids did as some kind of reflection on her. Over time, however, she learned that, in her words, "kids do things because they're kids," and that most of what they do shouldn't be taken personally. In reflecting on this over my own long road to motherhood, I have become determined to provide for my daughter in such a way that she has all the space she needs to be all of who she is. In the course of my life--as a friend, sister, teacher, activist, servant, wife, and now mom--I have striven to hold space for everyone I meet. I now get to do that in such a special way for my daughter. 

10. As They Are

"When you are with their children
be one with them.
Let every part of your body relax
and become as supple as your child's.
Allow all expectations and anxieties to melt away
so that you can see clearly.
Love them as they are
in this very moment,
without needing to change a thing.

When their lives are filled with trouble
allow events to unfold
without pushing or straining,
and you will understand clearly
what your role should be,

You nourish them without possessing them.
You guide them without controlling.
You help them without worrying.

Being with your children can be like meditating.
When you are with your child next,
forget the past,
forget the future,
and let your mind and heart come
to be where your body is."

Notions like this must be why parents often say they love watching their children sleep. I do, too, but I find myself in an interesting cycle of longing about it. Some nights she's up late, or wakes up early wanting to play. At times like that, like most parents, I imagine, I wish she'd sleep a little longer. But then, at other times--like days of long naps and growth spurts--I just can't wait for her to wake up again.

Either way, I know I am with her. Either way, I know I always will be. 

9. Can You Make Room?

"If you fill every waking moment
of your children's lives
they will have no room
to be themselves.
If you push them constantly
they will break.
If you burden them with an abundance
of material toys
their hearts will contract in possessiveness.
If you always try to please them
you will be their prisoner,
not their parent.

Don't strive or strain.
Do your work, then rest.
Your children will learn serenity.

Are your children 'problems to be solved,'
or people to be loved?
Consider current problems with your children.
Can you create a space,
free from your own anxieties,
in which they are able to find their own way,
feeling your love,
but not your expectations?"

Before my daughter was born, for many, many years, I followed parenting discussions on social media. Mom-shaming aside, there was always something else about them that bothered me. I could never quite put my finger on it, always dismissing it as just my own envy over not being a parent yet. As I've gradually gotten back into said discussions, also enjoying some one on one as I try to keep up with various close "mom friends" who are at a distance, I've realized that they're pretty one-sided--meaning that the focus is so much on "raising the child," as one might a vegetable, perhaps: to be productive, to be successful, to be good. While I think most parents do want their children to become kind people who contribute their gifts generously to the world, I finally have figured out that these child-rearing conversations veer away from the most essential element: that parenting is about a relationship, to which the growth of both parties is essential. The way I figure it practically, if I can focus on who my daughter is in the ever-evolving present, then she will be equipped to become the adult she's meant to be.