74. River of Change

 "The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school,

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.

If you try to stop it

you will drown.

Neither we,

nor our children,

will avoid change,

loss, and death.

But our children 

will interpret these things

through the vision we give them.

If you can manage

to see through your fear

of these three things,

your children will have

the greatest vision possible."

The one thing I pray over my daughter the most now is that she will have the courage to tell the truth of (and about) her own life, always. The cost of not speaking up is too great to do otherwise. I have learned that the hard way, many times over. While I'd like to spare her that particular lesson if I can, I know she will have her own to learn, no matter what. 

73. Open Your Arms Wide

 "Wise parents do not strive,

yet their purposes never fail.

They are available,

but never interfere.

They communicate,

but never lecture.

They let their children go,

but never lose them.

These parents are like the Tao.

They open wide their hearts 

and hands,

yet never lose a thing.

If I grasp my children

and my other treasures,

I will have only

what my arms can hold.

And even that

slips through my grasp.

But the wider I have opened my arms,

the more and more I find.

If I can ever open wide,

I will have everything."

I hope I can teach my daughter to face rejection and loss with grace and equanimity. I think I have finally reached such a place in my own life, and feel that I have lost nothing, in fact, but only gained insight. Sometimes it's still difficult to bear, but I believe I understand now that if I keep my heart open, it can always be full. 

72. Natural Spirituality

 "Do not try to teach

religion to your children.

Teach them instead

to marvel at the wonder

of life in all its manifestations.

A natural spirituality will be born

and grow within their hearts.

Trying to teach religion

creates dependence

upon the words of others.

If your children depend

upon their own experience,

they will never go astray.

I served as a clergyman

for two decades of my life.

I know for certain that religion

is as different from natural spirituality

as night is

from the light of day.

Never worry

about your children's souls.

Your child's soul

belongs to the Tao

and is the one reality in life

that is beyond all danger,

always."

I want to raise my daughter to know her own mind, so that she can protect it fiercely. I grew up so paralyzed by self-doubt that I could barely make decisions or accept good things that came my way. I was convinced I deserved only the bad. Even now, when I experience conscious moments of ease and joy I get scared and suspicious. I worry. I am grateful not to fear struggle, but I need to welcome blessings, too. In my daughter I see them all. I know she will know both blessings and struggles I never have. May she greet everything more readily and bravely than I ever have. 

71. Have Confidence

"The confident parent

is not the one who knows

how to parent in every situation.

The confident parent

is the one who knows

that knowledge will emerge

in the midst of the situation.

This parent's mind

is free of complications,

ready to respond

without preconceptions.

This parent will always act rightly.

My confidence in the future

for my children,

and for me,

exists because I know

we are all part of the Tao.

Come good and bad,

life and death,

that will always be true.

Somehow I will know,

when the time comes,

exactly what to do."

I was telling a friend recently about how, since I became a parent, I feel not only more trust in God, but also that God trusts me, too. I wish I had learned sooner how to be receptive to that. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't is tied to the other big lessons I've learned recently about how trust isn't and cannot be a one-way street. It will be a while before my family and I have fully recovered from trusting the wrong people, but the best way I know to heal is to learn to trust myself again. My daughter gives me a unique opportunity to do that every day, and I'm so grateful. 

70. Trust the Tao

 "The teachings of the parent's Tao

are simple and natural.

Yet when you try to practice them

you will be met with great resistance.

Children have been raised

contrary to the Tao

for countless thousands of years.

No one will support you.

But look around at the effects

of these countless thousands of years.

Then look inside your heart.

The Way of the Tao

has always been here.

Some parents have found it.

Few talk about it.

It seems to them only natural.

They don't call it the Tao.

They just enjoy it.

But for many of us

parenting has been filled with struggle.

There is a better way.

You don't have to learn it.

You already know it.

You only have to trust it."

Most of what people call the developed world is a capitalist, patriarchal society that pits people against each other. What I've learned over the past year or so of trying to live in direct, active resistance to this is that it takes more than changing material structures or work environments to counter the effects. It takes serious internal and interpersonal work so that competitiveness, fragility, and pettiness fall away and the urge to dominate ceases. One person's true power comes from their integrity and is never a threat anyone else's. As I raise my daughter, I must remember that if I try to invoke my power as a parent, I will fail her. Instead if I invite her to step into her power by sharing my own, I will be trusting her and showing her the Way. 

69. Martial Arts

 "The martial master understands

how to yield and triumph.

When his opponent's blow arrives,

he is not there.

He moves,

yet maintains position,

bends,

but stays balanced.

As a parent you must do the same.

When your children oppose you,

do not meet their opposition with force.

Bend and they will topple.

You will win your point

without harming them.

Thus in yielding,

you will truly triumph.

I wish all parents could know

the art of T'ai Chi Ch'uan.

In this graceful martial art,

balance, softness,

flexibility, and grace

are the means by which

the goal is always reached.

Remember that this does not imply

your children always get their way.

Quite the opposite.

You give them unwavering guidance,

but without violence, tension and grief.

It is a difficult practice,

but full of great reward."

In life I have hardly ever "gotten my way." But the closest I have ever come to what I suppose I could call success is by getting out of my own way. I have learned to do this by yielding to my circumstances, rather than trying to fight them. This does not mean that I have had to give in or sacrifice my integrity or principles. Rather, it is by being flexible in my response to my circumstances that I have had the greatest opportunity to apply my principles and bring my integrity to bear on various situations. I try to model the same for my daughter by understanding that it's not my way, but the Way, that I aim to show her. If I keep my mind on this, balance, softness, flexibility, and grace will be with me. 

68. Fun and Games

 "Before your children learn to win or lose,

they play at games for fun.

But then they come to believe

that they must win

at games,

at business,

and at war.

They even learn to win or lose

at love.

But the Tao teaches

that games are for fun,

that business is for the common good,

that no one wins at war,

and that love endures for all.

Do you play your games for fun?

Do you work for the common good?

Do you divide the world into friends 

and enemies?

Do you love selectively?

Can you really 'lose' at love?

Examine all of these with honesty.

The answers will reveal

what your children are truly learning."

For almost two years I lived with someone who had told me she didn't love people unconditionally. At the time I thought it wouldn't matter, because I loved her unconditionally and was committed to making the arrangement work for everyone involved. I have since learned ever so slowly and painfully that unconditional love can never be one-sided. It must be fully and consistently reciprocal. It's in the reciprocity that any conditions are met and exceeded. I beat myself up that I should have realized this already; I could have saved my family and myself a lot of heartache and potential danger (which isn't yet completely past.) Right now I'm grateful to know I still have a lot to learn about the true nature of unconditional love. It lets me know my work is far from over, and that brings me joy. 

67. Compassion, Patience, and Simplicity

 "There are only three qualities

you must teach your children.

Compassion, patience, and simplicity.

Some would say this is absurd.

They would teach instead,

ambition, drive, and consumption,

and say it is the way of success.

But if they learn patience,

they see the world as it truly is.

If they learn simplicity,

they see themselves as they truly are.

And if they learn compassion,

they heal themselves 

and the world.

Following the Tao as a parent

will often seem opposed

to conventional parenting wisdom.

The confusion lies in ourselves as parents.

We don't know what we truly want,

or who we truly are.

Compassion, patience, and simplicity

cannot be taught

until they are experienced.

And when we experience them,

we lose the need to teach them.

We live them instead.

And then our children learn."

I tell myself over and over that my daughter will learn the most from how I treat her, and how I treat myself. Even before she had arrived, since my children were and have been so longed for, I spent a lot of time working hard to get to the core of who I am, so that I could learn to treat myself well. The entire process has taught me patience; while I have had to put effort into self-compassion, the focus on my authentic self has made the striving for simplicity almost effortless. For the first time in many years my purpose is clear and I trust myself. While none of this is easy to maintain, I embrace the difficulty. I understand now it's what I was made for. 

66. Lead By Example

 "If you want your children follow

along a certain path,

you must lead the way the ocean

leads a river home,

by remaining below it.

If you manipulate, coerce,

and bully your children,

you will have no power at all.

If you lead with humility, gentleness,

and by example,

you will need no power at all.

Power over your children

is the great illusion.

By the time they are six years old,

they will do what they want.

You can bully them

so that they think they want

what you want.

Is that what you want?"

As an ESL teacher I learned, "Show, don't tell." Now I am learning it is the same with my babies. If I model behavior, they will be free to choose to follow. Even while my daughter is still so young, I am finding ways to give her opportunities to do the right--or safe, or constructive--thing. I am trying to teach her the vocabulary she will need in order to understand why something isn't a good idea. I may tell her knives are sharp, the stove is hot, or the trash is dirty, but I do my best to show her what to do about it all. If I can help her take responsibility, then she won't need my power because she will have her own. 

65. Knowledge Or Wisdom?

 "If you try to teach your children

all the facts and answers

you think they need to know,

they will end up knowing nothing.

If instead you help them look

deep within themselves,

you will have led them to the source,

from where all answers flow.

Don't look to schools 

to teach your children wisdom.

Being 'Student of the Month'

will not insure happiness.

Your children will have to learn the Way

from other sources,

perhaps from you."

Throughout this pandemic, I have been grateful that my daughter isn't yet school age. In the midst of all the other problems in America today, I have questioned the idea of even sending her to school at all. I am pretty sure we all have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do in order to redress the wrongs that permeate American society. I am hopeful that by the time my daughter does reach school age, we can be well into a process of revolutionizing her education. I believe it is the best thing we can do in order to reach the true source, love.

64. The Only Step Necessary

 "You do not have to make your children

into wonderful people.

You only have to remind them

that they are wonderful people.

If you do this consistently

from the day they are born

they will believe it easily.

You cannot force your will

upon other human beings.

You cannot hurry children

along the road to maturity.

And the only step necessary

on their long journey of life,

is the next small one.

I designed and printed a bumper sticker

when my son was a teenager.

It said,

'My child is an ordinary student,

and a wonderful person.'

My son loved it.

Both of my children are,

always have been, 

and always will be,

wonderful people.

The same is true of your children.

No matter what."

One time when I was in confession, the priest referred to me as "your good self,"--an odd thing to hear upon confessing one's sins. It planted an important seed, though, of beginning to see myself as inherently good. As I reflect on it now, it reminds me of the time I told my mother I had never felt like a gift from God in anyone's life until I met my husband. When I confided this to her, she recoiled as if I had slapped her. In that moment I vowed I would not repeat her mistake with my own children. They will know they are good simply because they exist. While of course I pray that this knowledge will inspire them to choose to do good, I hope to also impress upon them that their goodness is not limited simply because their choices might be. I will help them do the best they can with what they have, every moment. 

63. Face Your Problems

 "Face your problems

with your children

while the problems

are still small.

If you give your full attention, 

without resentment,

the problems will become

no problem.

A problem is not an interruption

to a serene and happy life.

A problem is an ordinary part

of such a life.

Effort is not required.

If you pay calm attention,

solutions appear naturally.

For years I was afraid

of my children's problems.

I had enough of my own.

I tried to solve their problems

by decree and pronouncement from on high.

So their problems grew and grew.

I was not present to myself.

How could I be present to them?

As I have grown older,

problems are no longer problems,

just life.

They needn't separate us

from our children.

Don't be afraid."

In July my family and I moved out of an emotionally and financially abusive living situation. In June I had found out that I'm pregnant again, but by August I--already a veteran of two miscarriages--was experiencing bleeding which made me think I was losing this baby, too. Later that month, we discovered a rat infestation in our new place, and we moved to a local motel for three weeks. Since moving back into our apartment in mid-September we have struggled with a broken microwave and refrigerator, a leaky bathtub, a faulty toilet, and just today we've discovered another leak, this time under our kitchen sink. Everything, one right after another thing, has put my husband and me to the test--individually and in our marriage. Our work and other commitments have been imperiled if not outright derailed by these ongoing distractions, disruptions, and distresses. But ironically, were it not for the pandemic continuing to ravage the outside world, we would not be home and as present to our daughter, whose own daily discoveries, developments, and delights encourage and delight us in turn. She shows us time after time that what we consider problems are in fact opportunities for growth and learning. As I see her confront the mysteries and wonder of her newly unfolding life, I am learning that my struggle becomes my strength, and my strength becomes my unwavering joy. 

62. Be Happy

 "If you have vast wealth,

it will be useless in teaching your children.

If you have great power,

it will be of no avail in securing their happiness.

If you have succeeded admirably in life, 

it will not help you keep your children safe.

Remember that you cannot teach

by preaching.

Try to live with peace, contentment,

love and compassion.

This will be your lecture.

This will be your lesson.

The happier I have allowed myself to be,

the happier my children have become.

The more I have become myself,

the more they have done the same.

This has occurred later in my life.

Don't wait."

In my life I have had to learn to be happy and seek joy. It has taken me more courage than I would have thought to do so through my marriage and family. A lot about my current situation has had much more to do with my circumstances than with my choices. I wish more people understood this. I want to teach my daughter to be realistic about both, so that she will learn to distinguish between times to accept her limitations, and times to challenge them. I find that often there are aspects of each in the unfolding of days. Discovering both can be a source of each, happiness--in embracing particular circumstances--and joy, in making distinctive choices. 

61. Self-Acceptance

 "How do children learn

to correct their mistakes?

By watching how you correct yours.

How do children learn

to overcome their failures?

By watching how you overcome yours.

How do children learn

to treat themselves with forgiveness?

By watching you forgive yourself.

Therefore your mistakes,

and your failures 

are blessings,

opportunities for the best

in parenting.

And those who point out your mistakes

are not your enemies,

but the most valuable of friends."

Your children will surely notice

the way you handle criticism.

If you get defensive

and launch a counterattack,

they will learn to cover up

and deny their own faults.

Is there something you're covering up now,

with either depression,

self-punishment,

or hostility?

Lighten up.

Accept and forgive yourself

and your children will be blessed."

As I have discussed many times before in this blog, self-acceptance has been the hardest lesson and principle for me to learn and abide by. I was taught to punish myself for my mistakes, and that because I had made them I didn't deserve good things. I was also taught that acceptance meant approval, which, throughout my life, has caused me to seek out and stay (for far too long) in situations that are unhealthy, or where I have only been being used. As I learn to grow beyond these, I see and accept the parts of myself that have continued to offer my best, despite all of my struggles. I celebrate my strengths and the insights my struggles have brought me. I know now that I can use these to model self-acceptance for my daughter.

60. Growing a Garden

 "Dealing with difficult children

is like watching a garden grow.

Resist the temptation

to pull up the plants

to check on the roots.

In difficult times

children may thrive on conflict.

If you take the bait

the battle rages.

Instead step back, 

breathe deeply,

relax,

and stay at your center.

Battles require two parties.

One fighting alone soon tires.

Are there times when,

despite all efforts,

you must impose your will?

Of course.

But remember,

those times are far fewer

than you can imagine.

Is this current battle really necessary?"

I think the best thing I can do for my daughter is learn to respect her struggle. As a toddler it's her job to push boundaries and try to understand where they are or should be. When something she does upsets or provokes me, I try to remember that I, not she, am the difficult child. Rather than giving into the difficulty, I want to cultivate it and share my strength with her, so she can feel secure.