Dissent

"Old man: Dissent is not disloyalty.
Be careful before you retaliate.
Your steel wrapped in cotton
May only be brittle bone wrapped in fat."

It's true I don't like the ableist metaphors in this passage, but there is a challenge not to resort to them when it seems like so many have forgotten or laid aside their own integrity in the pursuit of whatever comes next in this election season. It's strange to me how people seem to undervalue, if not outright fear, clear and authentic voices. Dissent is the beginning of freedom, and freedom, like joy, is deserved by all. I owe it to myself and to everyone around me to speak the truth as I understand it, whatever the cost. 

Marriage

"Wall of flames, bridge of tears.
Snowflake on newly forged links."

As much as marriage is a gift and a blessing, the consummation of a relationship, it is also a beginning. Every day is a chance to do something new and good for my husband. It seems only natural that we should yearn for a future that is more than we are. Since my miscarriage I always feel hesitant and afraid to think of family, of something more than what I have right now. I tell myself it must be some great sin to be discontented, even a little bit, in passing day to day. Yet if the goal were only to maintain the status quo, where would be the joy? It can be a step toward God to want more, and so I think I'll forge some links out of my fear, and cross a bridge of tears of joy. 

Scholasticism

"Ocean inside a skull-cap,
Seeking the universal code in letters.
The mind is like a flower on icy water.
An eye within the petals."

As I've always suspected, the intellect of the mind is but a starting point. Some distinctions are helpful, but not all. I think spiritual seeking invites us past these distinctions to see how they all ultimately flow together. This is the closest I've come yet to being able to describe Tao. Perhaps even this is not necessary, like trying to distinguish the thing itself from one's experience of it. The intellect gives us a measure of objectivity, but by our humanity, that remains so small. Once when I was co-teaching a confirmation class at my old church, the main facilitator asked the confirmands how they imagined God. What one boy said will stay in my mind forever: "I think God is a crazy little kid with a science project." It made me laugh at the time, and it still does. It may sound scary, but to me, it is comforting. I've found myself feeling that I'd rather be a subject of His work than a mere object of His plan. 

Vulnerabilities

"A warrior takes every person as an adversary.
He sees all their vulnerable points,
And trains to eliminate his own.
A sage has no vulnerable points."

I was thinking earlier of how it seems to me that any fear, when confronted with honest and genuine curiosity, can be lessened. When Lou Reed died, Laurie Anderson said, his eyes were full of wonder. I learned from that: If I'm scared, but asking questions, then that is good. If I stop for further fear of the consequences, how can I become strong? Yet here is this paradox for a disabled person. Yes, I am strong. But the weakness the world sees, for me, is no weakness at all. From it I draw my strength, having gotten curious about how my body is and what it does that is different. I embrace it beyond a dichotomy of good and evil, strong and weak, beautiful or ugly. I always wonder, what more? What further aspects are beyond what's with me now? Where there is growth in wonder and curiosity, fear cannot stay.

Judgment

"The accused stands helpless before the judge.
Pen is poised to determine right from wrong.
In one arbitrary stroke,
Life is decided."

Doesn't judgment always come down to who has the power? And how that power is used? If I could take but one moment to withhold a passing judgmental thought, a fleeting word of condemnation, how much more power would be mine neither to possess nor to use, but to share. In my teaching, in my relationships, may nothing be arbitrary, but everything be generous and purposeful, helpful and life-affirming. 

Visions

"Neither drug-induced
Nor self-induced visions:
Pierce all visions,
To see the void."

This was the Gospel today at Mass. This was the song that came immediately to my mind. Then I thought of how often I long for, yet fear whatever is coming next. I pray that as I work harder to put on the mind of Christ, such visions will not torment me and I can lay my discontents to rest. 

Relaxation

"Relaxation
Is total peace."

How often this feeling, this experience, is totally inaccessible. I cry out to the Lord for rest, and cherish this rare gift. In the early days after my conversion it was a real grace to be able to put words to the kind of torturous, negative thoughts that had plagued me throughout my life: Once I knew that this was mental anguish, I could separate myself from it, and if not silence it, then at least move away to lower the volume and get a little perspective, however difficult that still may be to maintain. I think I fully realize that God is in control only when I'm willing to consciously and actively hand it over, requesting an audience with the Prince of Peace one moment at a time. 

Cooper

"Barrel maker planes staves to exact angles.
His shavings glow in the afternoon sun.
He joins fragrant wood together,
Fitting shoulders like building an arch.
Until the bands, there is no barrel."

I often marvel at the many ways humans have of integrating their experiences, how many tools and resources there are to do so. I feel that I see so many in my students and in the many other people I meet throughout my days. May we each realize that none of us can exist without the others, yet we were each created for a specific purpose. How we fulfill them is up to each of us, yet we must serve each other. 

Recognition

"Spokes on the heavenly wheel
Keep rotation constant."

I have been in almost physical pain since I read this earlier this evening. When something hits so close to home, it's uncomfortable--at least until I realize that what I'm experiencing is the profound recognition of a vulnerability I share with so many others. Many times, this is positive...other times, it haunts me. Moving through the world differently is often exhilarating, but usually terrifying. I welcome its uniqueness and do my best to remember that nothing stays the same forever. 

Meaning

"Lightning tears temple asunder.
Divine wrath, or natural disaster?"

While meaning and purpose might not be mutually exclusive, I am learning that there is an important distinction to be made between the two. In purpose, I can be self-directed/self-directing and discerning; in meaning, I seem to discover something outside. Therefore, it also seems important not to ascribe a meaning that may short-circuit or undermine the purpose I discern. I just might be on the brink of putting a lifetime of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors behind me for good. I truly praise and thank God for this insight. 

Struggle

"Life acquires meaning
When we face the conflict
Between our desires
And reality."

Ah, I am no stranger to this one. I continue to face the conflict daily. I refuse to struggle against it any more, and I pray that in my acceptance, it (and I) may be transformed. 

Uncertainty

"Kicking a pebble by the side of the road,
Watching it tumble pell-mell.
Chance and randomness become order."

I think I've been persevering in faith long enough to recognize that that whole, "Everything happens for a reason," schtick is bull crap. There is a purpose to God's plan for us, sure, but I think that the whole hope and point of Christ is that we are justified by our faith, not by our suffering. If I can recognize that He accompanies me independent of what happens to me, inviting me to Him through those things--yet not because of them, which is important--I can persevere in what is right, not fearing the consequences to me personally. While suffering may be necessary and inevitable for growth, it is not an end in itself. I am not God's object, but His instrument. Though the conductor leads me, it is I who must play. 

Limits

"Every river has its banks,
Every ocean has its shores."

I struggle to realize that the limitations I experience are only ever of the moment; the topography of my life may change at any given time. Being ready for that keeps me humble, yet full of wonder.

Concealment

"Hide what you know.
Conceal talent.
Shield your light.
Bide your time."

In my day-to-day affairs, I do my best neither to seek attention, nor to deflect it. I try not only to pick my battles, but also my moments, so that I can do and give and be my best at any given time. Sometimes--even perhaps usually--I fail. I have learned not to despair, for such results give me the chance to pull back and reflect before I try anew. 

Metaphor

"Spirituality is
Applied poetry.
Metaphysics is
Applied metaphor."

Einstein is supposed to have said that imagination is more important than knowledge. He also is credited with reminding us that there are two ways to live our lives: either as if everything is a miracle, or as if nothing is. My faith is but a daily choice in favor of each of the things he clearly favors. I will not exhaust myself trying to prove--to myself or anyone else--the truth of such realms. No human person or body of people has a monopoly on that. I can only make headway, then leave a legacy. As long as I am honest and sincere, I can learn, and invite others to learn with me. 

Resolve

"Banish uncertainty.
Affirm strength.
Hold resolve.
Expect death."

Amidst the shame and toil of this world, it's all to easy to vacillate and, ultimately, surrender. People remind me that we were all created, each of us, for a special purpose, but I struggle to maintain that in my sights as I go forth into the cares of each day, the terror of the unknown. People are also fond of saying, "Everything happens for a reason," but whether or not that's the case, the idea that all of our struggles are a part of something greater is not to be ignored. As to the purpose of that greater thing, as my mother is fond of saying, "In time, all will be revealed." For now, the will to keep moving forward is everything.  

Defiance

"Every god can be defied.
No choice, no devotion."

I have never been more defiant than I was here. While I may at times be full of sound and fury signifying nothing, I'd like to think God is patient with my tirades, my passion and uncertainty. Perhaps He also pushes me back, putting difficulties in my path to help me defy myself. While I always hope that my choices lead me closer to Him, I also view certain missteps (in retrospect) as necessary, a sign of growth. Most of all, I want Him to know I'm not giving up. I'm never giving up. I will fight forward until I see His face in glory. 

Center

"From a bud, only a promise.
Then a gentle opening:
Rich blooming, bursting fragrance,
The fulfillment of the center."

How frustrating and unfortunate to me is the concept of milestones. Yes, we are on this earth for finite period of time each. Yes, we are social animals who usually feel compelled to group ourselves. And so it's not surprising that when one stands out in any way, one becomes suspect, even in a supposedly individualistic culture. How much gentler I would have learned to be--even, nay, especially with myself--had I learned earlier to focus on and be open to those experiences which are uniquely mine. How much more quickly I would have learned that it's not only unnecessary but also undesirable always to follow the group. As I have stood out for my different body and my atrophied brain, I now stand out for my belated entry into married life and my struggle into that stigma of stigmas (stigmata?): "advanced maternal age." I understand now that how I feel and how I experience my own life are the only things at stake in the fulfillment of it. May I continue only to let go of that shame, horror, and ugliness that intrude from outside. 

Validity

"A river new--
Ancient words unneeded.
See, touch, rushing beauty,
Drink crystal flow."

I've learned that I do not fear the absolute; what sets me on edge or reeling into worry and confusion is vacillation, the unwillingness to commit, the fear of conviction or the hesitancy to act. When I see these in myself, I set a challenge, not unlike the the one I've undertaken here. I seem to find such challenges more and more as I move forward in my life. I do my best to invite them, even as the one I hope for most of all continues to elude me. 

Sanctuary

"Golden light skims azure bay,
Dense air heavy with laurel.
Windless dusk smears to night,
Sonorous pool in a sheltered grove."

The Gospel at Mass this evening was the parable of the lost sheep, or of the woman and her marriage coins. The point of the homily was that even more often than we are encouraged to seek God, God is seeking us--not in return, but first. He created us to be in His presence and serve Him. As often as I ask Him to be with me throughout my day, I surely don't do enough to actively and specifically place myself in His presence. There are always new dimensions to a daily spiritual practice, and if I look at them the right way, I don't fall short; I become more open. 

Openness

"Nothing is meant to be.
There is no predestination."

I was once told, "Beware all absolute statements," and the above seems a good example of that. Yet how refreshing to think that things so often can and do change in an instant--that any situation, having seemed inevitably one way before, can turn out so completely differently. The obvious example for me to draw on here is my longtime singleness itself, but there are many others less marked: my financial struggles, or more private, carnal ones. Change may happen slowly, but happen, it does, no matter how hard I work to resist. Once I let go of the idea that things must be a certain way no matter what, I am free. 

Resources

"Use a mirror in difficult times:
You will see both cause and resolution."

I sometimes think I take ownership and responsibility to a fault. It's ironic that by letting go a little, I can gain better self-control, but this is the thing: There are so many platitudes about picking battles, enough on one's plate, or or a line in the sand that it can be incredibly difficult to see how sometimes, one's relationship to another must be considered. As highly as individual responsibility and choice are valued in America, the impact of individual folks' collective and interrelated action cannot be ignored. Scarcity--whether of money, time, manpower, or anything else--is only a myth that gives us permission not to share. Not sharing limits one's choices of how, or if, to respond to any given situation. Limitations bind, rather than facilitating letting go. Letting go can end some relationships, but it can also begin others. If I start with myself but allow the focus to shift, I can consider others more carefully, understanding that there is always interplay, give and take, energy exchanged. For better or for worse, what shifts is never the same again. I must guard my energy with care, applying myself as matters unfold and challenges present themselves. Sometimes these are not to be sought, but met with abundant deliberation. Understanding what's at stake requires the deepest self-reflection.  Recognizing that it's not all about--or not all on--me is the beginning of liberation. 

Guidance

"Worship with your conscience,
Receive grace with humility.
Guide with awareness,
Lead with modesty."

On a show I was watching with my husband tonight, a family around the dinner table attempted a discussion of the nature of faith. These days it's considered such a personal thing that such discussions are seldom ventured in any arena. As a result, I think we all lose. What if, instead, we all had the willingness and availability, the vulnerability to be frank in these matters? How many things could we change for the better? What could we do for each other, if only we could truly invite each other in? 

Attraction

"Peacock iridescence in veridical shadows,
Violet blooms spread to noonday sun.
The world's beauty is a swirl of color,
But in the flower's center is bright stillness."

I have learned to be thoughtful in my approach to things and people that interest me. It's rather like what the Dalai Lama has said, here.  And finally having attracted a partner in this life, I understand the value and importance of being protected and cared for. I no longer run as great a risk of being used; I no longer find it as easy to slide back into self-destructive patterns and behaviors I tended toward and even relied on when I was single. Now when I find myself pulled in a certain direction, I look within to discern the purpose. I have learned to find the signs within myself, rather than searching desperately outside. 

Fulfillment

"Accomplish your visions.
Persevere in your ambitions.
Only then can you negate
Visions and ambitions."

It's often easy to set these, themselves; not so easy is the setting of objective steps to follow in order to achieve them. I know I was always encouraged to set my sights on bigger things, without a lot of practical advice along the way. I learned to see more barriers than possibilities, until focusing on my goals became a process of narrowing down rather than expanding. Slowly I'm learning to grow again, and realizing that I have a lot to offer in terms of the practicalities I have learned on my own. I am grateful. 

Dominance

"Sun shines in the center of the sky.
All things turn their faces toward the light."

I view fear of the Lord as a vast humility. What else could give me the courage to take Him by the hand when needed? 

Faith

"In spite of knowing,
Yet still believing.
Though no god above,
Yet god within."

I think it matters not where God is, but who God is. Also of little consequence is what God does. Rather, what God means makes a difference to all of us. We hardly all have to agree, as long as we work toward understanding. 

Acceptance

"Drought burns basins to dust,
Light rain is a dew of mockery.
Receive without complaint,
Work with fate."

I have learned that the key to understanding acceptance is being willing to temper my anger and frustration with action. With right action, there are no limits. Sometimes, it seems, life doesn't give us a whole lot of time or space to learn, but with each new day of a challenge accepted, perhaps it will be enough after all. 

Nonanticipation

"Put forth your effort
With no thought of gain."

Recently I was trying to explain to a friend my "trying but not trying" approach to having a family. At her prompting, I admitted that, yes, it may be partly influenced by the same old trying to protect myself from disappointment that I felt I had to do the whole time I was single and thinking a family would be beyond me always. At the same time, I view it as what my church teaches about being "open to life," and wanting that life and my family to be in tune with God's plan, not mine. I've had a long road to learn this, and waited a long time to enjoy the happiness I have now. I'm blessed with this new means and course of action to add to it, but I take nothing for granted; I only take steps in a worthy effort.  

Tradition

"Tradition was once function,
But today there is no tradition.
Where is there a true path?"

When I was growing up there's nothing I longed for more than a chance to fulfill and continue those things I saw as traditions in my family, whether centered around holidays, birthdays, vacations, or everyday life. As I've weathered the dramatic, and often traumatic, changes in my family life since then, I've learned and tried to embrace the courage of establishing new traditions, unique to my marriage and the family we hope to bring up together; for things done in a spirit of tradition will be remembered, and the spirit of tradition imparts values. From values come wisdom, and from wisdom: strength, faith, hope and love. I'm so grateful for them all.