74. River of Change

 "The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school,

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.

If you try to stop it

you will drown.

Neither we,

nor our children,

will avoid change,

loss, and death.

But our children 

will interpret these things

through the vision we give them.

If you can manage

to see through your fear

of these three things,

your children will have

the greatest vision possible."

The one thing I pray over my daughter the most now is that she will have the courage to tell the truth of (and about) her own life, always. The cost of not speaking up is too great to do otherwise. I have learned that the hard way, many times over. While I'd like to spare her that particular lesson if I can, I know she will have her own to learn, no matter what. 

73. Open Your Arms Wide

 "Wise parents do not strive,

yet their purposes never fail.

They are available,

but never interfere.

They communicate,

but never lecture.

They let their children go,

but never lose them.

These parents are like the Tao.

They open wide their hearts 

and hands,

yet never lose a thing.

If I grasp my children

and my other treasures,

I will have only

what my arms can hold.

And even that

slips through my grasp.

But the wider I have opened my arms,

the more and more I find.

If I can ever open wide,

I will have everything."

I hope I can teach my daughter to face rejection and loss with grace and equanimity. I think I have finally reached such a place in my own life, and feel that I have lost nothing, in fact, but only gained insight. Sometimes it's still difficult to bear, but I believe I understand now that if I keep my heart open, it can always be full. 

72. Natural Spirituality

 "Do not try to teach

religion to your children.

Teach them instead

to marvel at the wonder

of life in all its manifestations.

A natural spirituality will be born

and grow within their hearts.

Trying to teach religion

creates dependence

upon the words of others.

If your children depend

upon their own experience,

they will never go astray.

I served as a clergyman

for two decades of my life.

I know for certain that religion

is as different from natural spirituality

as night is

from the light of day.

Never worry

about your children's souls.

Your child's soul

belongs to the Tao

and is the one reality in life

that is beyond all danger,

always."

I want to raise my daughter to know her own mind, so that she can protect it fiercely. I grew up so paralyzed by self-doubt that I could barely make decisions or accept good things that came my way. I was convinced I deserved only the bad. Even now, when I experience conscious moments of ease and joy I get scared and suspicious. I worry. I am grateful not to fear struggle, but I need to welcome blessings, too. In my daughter I see them all. I know she will know both blessings and struggles I never have. May she greet everything more readily and bravely than I ever have. 

71. Have Confidence

"The confident parent

is not the one who knows

how to parent in every situation.

The confident parent

is the one who knows

that knowledge will emerge

in the midst of the situation.

This parent's mind

is free of complications,

ready to respond

without preconceptions.

This parent will always act rightly.

My confidence in the future

for my children,

and for me,

exists because I know

we are all part of the Tao.

Come good and bad,

life and death,

that will always be true.

Somehow I will know,

when the time comes,

exactly what to do."

I was telling a friend recently about how, since I became a parent, I feel not only more trust in God, but also that God trusts me, too. I wish I had learned sooner how to be receptive to that. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't is tied to the other big lessons I've learned recently about how trust isn't and cannot be a one-way street. It will be a while before my family and I have fully recovered from trusting the wrong people, but the best way I know to heal is to learn to trust myself again. My daughter gives me a unique opportunity to do that every day, and I'm so grateful. 

70. Trust the Tao

 "The teachings of the parent's Tao

are simple and natural.

Yet when you try to practice them

you will be met with great resistance.

Children have been raised

contrary to the Tao

for countless thousands of years.

No one will support you.

But look around at the effects

of these countless thousands of years.

Then look inside your heart.

The Way of the Tao

has always been here.

Some parents have found it.

Few talk about it.

It seems to them only natural.

They don't call it the Tao.

They just enjoy it.

But for many of us

parenting has been filled with struggle.

There is a better way.

You don't have to learn it.

You already know it.

You only have to trust it."

Most of what people call the developed world is a capitalist, patriarchal society that pits people against each other. What I've learned over the past year or so of trying to live in direct, active resistance to this is that it takes more than changing material structures or work environments to counter the effects. It takes serious internal and interpersonal work so that competitiveness, fragility, and pettiness fall away and the urge to dominate ceases. One person's true power comes from their integrity and is never a threat anyone else's. As I raise my daughter, I must remember that if I try to invoke my power as a parent, I will fail her. Instead if I invite her to step into her power by sharing my own, I will be trusting her and showing her the Way. 

69. Martial Arts

 "The martial master understands

how to yield and triumph.

When his opponent's blow arrives,

he is not there.

He moves,

yet maintains position,

bends,

but stays balanced.

As a parent you must do the same.

When your children oppose you,

do not meet their opposition with force.

Bend and they will topple.

You will win your point

without harming them.

Thus in yielding,

you will truly triumph.

I wish all parents could know

the art of T'ai Chi Ch'uan.

In this graceful martial art,

balance, softness,

flexibility, and grace

are the means by which

the goal is always reached.

Remember that this does not imply

your children always get their way.

Quite the opposite.

You give them unwavering guidance,

but without violence, tension and grief.

It is a difficult practice,

but full of great reward."

In life I have hardly ever "gotten my way." But the closest I have ever come to what I suppose I could call success is by getting out of my own way. I have learned to do this by yielding to my circumstances, rather than trying to fight them. This does not mean that I have had to give in or sacrifice my integrity or principles. Rather, it is by being flexible in my response to my circumstances that I have had the greatest opportunity to apply my principles and bring my integrity to bear on various situations. I try to model the same for my daughter by understanding that it's not my way, but the Way, that I aim to show her. If I keep my mind on this, balance, softness, flexibility, and grace will be with me. 

68. Fun and Games

 "Before your children learn to win or lose,

they play at games for fun.

But then they come to believe

that they must win

at games,

at business,

and at war.

They even learn to win or lose

at love.

But the Tao teaches

that games are for fun,

that business is for the common good,

that no one wins at war,

and that love endures for all.

Do you play your games for fun?

Do you work for the common good?

Do you divide the world into friends 

and enemies?

Do you love selectively?

Can you really 'lose' at love?

Examine all of these with honesty.

The answers will reveal

what your children are truly learning."

For almost two years I lived with someone who had told me she didn't love people unconditionally. At the time I thought it wouldn't matter, because I loved her unconditionally and was committed to making the arrangement work for everyone involved. I have since learned ever so slowly and painfully that unconditional love can never be one-sided. It must be fully and consistently reciprocal. It's in the reciprocity that any conditions are met and exceeded. I beat myself up that I should have realized this already; I could have saved my family and myself a lot of heartache and potential danger (which isn't yet completely past.) Right now I'm grateful to know I still have a lot to learn about the true nature of unconditional love. It lets me know my work is far from over, and that brings me joy.