22. Your Greatest Legacy

"If you want your children to succeed,
show them how to fail.
If you want them to be happy,
show them how to be sad.
If you want them to be healthy,
show them how to be sick.
If you want them to have much,
show them how to enjoy little.
Parents who hide failure, deny loss,
and berate themselves for weakness,
have nothing to teach their children.
But parents who reveal themselves,
in all their humanness,
become heroes.
For children look to these parents
and learn to love themselves.

Parenting need not be a burden,
one more thing you have to do
and don't do well enough.
Instead consider your failures,
your sorrows,
your illnesses,
and your difficulties
as your primary teaching opportunities."

I have a favorite prayer that goes, "...grant us patience with all the trials of this life..." and have learned that indeed, this life is nothing more than a series of opportunities to rise to the occasion. Often the occasion doesn't look how I think it will, and the rising is more of an ascent--rising to the occasion takes learning and effort. Many occasions are created by mistakes, which themselves are occasions for learning. I have learned not to fear these, but rather to hone my skills to deal with them. I worry often that I have nothing to teach my daughter, but I realize now, instead, that I can give her a powerful example to follow if I remain committed to a path of integrity. 

21. The Hidden Mystery of Their Being

"Although you give your children names,
their reality is nameless and mysterious.
Their mystery is hidden,
yet plain to see.
It disappears when you stare at it.
It hides when you seek it.
To find it you must look into yourself.
If you can discover the secret of your own life,
you will glimpse the mystery of your children.

Though this mystery cannot be described,
it can be trusted.
You can trust it in yourself.
You can trust it in your children.
How do I know this?
I see it everywhere.

Imagine yourself as a child.
There was someone present there
your parents never knew,
a mystery they could not fathom.
Look at your children closely.
You will never know the mystery of their being.
Can you love them still?"

At this point I think I love my daughter for her mystery: How much she says, how little I yet comprehend; all the steps of her life's path yet to be laid out or taken. As I watch her discover everything, I reflect on the growth I have experienced in embracing my own mystery, and I am grateful. 

20. Be a Model of Honesty

"If you want to become a wise parent
you must be prepared to appear foolish.
You must be willing to say,
'Why should I chase this way and that,
always grasping,
always running?
Nuts!'
Unless you stop following the crowd,
how can your children be free?

To teach your children strength
you must be willing to appear weak.
You must renounce ambition and struggle
and embrace serenity and peace.
You must confess your faults
and embrace your failures.
You must face yourself with honesty
and find the truth of your nature.

Your children need a model of honesty.
If you pretend you have no weaknesses,
and cover them under masks and facades,
your children will learn to do the same,
and the game will be on.
Begin today to see,
and accept,
the real you beneath the role."

I can never do anything less than what I think is right. I realize that I may not always know in any given moment what that is, but if I'm transparent about my process then my daughter will learn how to arrive at her own convictions. In the moments when I falter, may I forgive myself, and teach her how to forgive. In the moments when I doubt, may I open myself to deeper certainty. I am willing always to do and say everything for the deepest, truest purpose I know. 

19. Recognize the Inner Realities

"If you try to make your children good,
you will make them,
and yourself,
miserable.
Instead show them you believe in
their natural goodness
and all will be blessed.

If you try to make them honor you
you will create instead
resentment and dishonesty.
Instead honor yourself and them
and all will be happy.

If you try to make them successful
you will perpetuate their misery
of endless desires.
Instead enjoy the simple life
and all will find contentment.

You do not have to teach the outward niceties.
You have to recognize the inward realities.
You do not have to make things turn out well.
You have to recognize that all is well."

I'm grateful to have had an opportunity to reflect on theory of mind before my daughter was born. I am determined to honor the complexity of her inner life no matter how much or little of that she ever chooses to share with me. 

18. Natural Virtues

"All young children naturally love God.
As they grow they are trained by others
and turn instead to piety and religion.

All young children are naturally
at ease with their bodies.
As they grow, they are shamed by others
and become self-conscious and filled with tension.

All young children naturally relate
to other people well.
As they grow they see conflict
and become fearful and guarded.

All virtues arise naturally
until fear and training interfere.
Then virtues disappear
and rules take their place.

Look for the natural virtues of your children.
You may have to pay careful attention.
We are trained not to notice them,
or to distrust them.
But they are the real thing.
They don't have to be taught,
only nurtured.
What natural virtues can you notice in your child today?"

As I watch my daughter grow from day to day, I see how all of who she is is already here. I'm starting to understand that the purpose of disciplining her is to teach her how to set, and respect, boundaries, so that she can protect herself, respect herself, honor herself, and care for those around her at the same time. It's taken me all of who I am to learn how to do these things for myself and others, and of course I am still learning. I hope to show my daughter that I approve her, so she will be inspired to improve herself: Not according to what I think of her, but to what she discovers in and about herself. 

17. No Need for Threats

"You can control your children
through threats and punishments
and they will learn to fear.
You can control their behavior
by praise and reward
and they will learn to look outside themselves
for approval and for worth.
You can watch over their every movement,
every action, every decision,
making sure they do it 'right,'
and they will learn to always
doubt themselves.
Or you can love and guide
without controlling or interfering
and they will learn to trust themselves.

If your child fails at something
merely express your confidence
in their ability to handle the consequences.
If they behave irresponsibly,
merely point out the consequences to themselves
and others,
and again express your trust that they will learn.
As soon as possible give them another opportunity
to be appropriately responsible.
Do not slip into the downward spiral
of blame,
shame,
and control.
It doesn't work."

I was raised to seek approval and to be "convenient" for the adults around me. This led me to become someone who is always happy to oblige and ready to take a servile role. While I have learned to delight in service and understand the measure of freedom therein, I sometimes wonder how much more resilient I would have been, and how much sooner, if I had sooner gained the insight to see service as a choice, rather than an obligation.

I find this increasingly informing how I interact with my daughter. Tonight, she helped me unload the dishwasher. She has discovered how to take the silverware out of the basket and pass it to me so I can put it away. The dishes are something she sees me do often, and as she has become more mobile and active (and ever more fascinated with the dishwasher) I have tried to include her in my experience. This makes it more joyful for me and, so, not a chore, but a game to play together. I hope to show her how even the smallest, most menial of tasks are necessary to the meaningful enjoyment of life. 

16. Empty Yourself of Worries

"To survive as a parent
you must empty yourself
of your constant thinking,
planning, and worrying.

You and your children
were born in the Tao,
live in the Tao,
and will return to that same Tao.
If you don't realize this,
you will mistake the sorrow you see in life
for the final word,
and you will become hardened with fear.

But, knowing how things really are,
you gain true confidence.
Being confident,
your mind opens to see your children
as they really are.
Seeing them as they really are,
your heart fills with genuine love for them.
Truly loving them,
you realize your own divine nature.
Realizing your true nature,
you enter eternal life.

These truths lie behind all religious traditions.
Believe them."

Becoming a mother has put me in touch with the most essential truth of myself, has helped me see that what I had always longed for, hoped for, and looked forward to was always true. What the world always tried to deny, I held to. But once my daughter had been born, I didn't experience the sort of "life defining moment" I had expected, as when I graduated from college or got married, for example. I have learned that motherhood is not a milestone. Instead, for me, it is an invitation to engage fully with myself in order to be fully present for my family and other loved ones. It's a process. I don't always get it right. But worrying about doing so is fruitless. I just have to keep going, now that I'm here.