Day 15 - #13

"Favor and disgrace are equally problematic.
Hope and fear are phantoms of the body.

What does it mean that 'favor and disgrace
are equally problematic'?
Favor lifts you up; disgrace knocks you down.
Either one depends on the opinions of others and
causes you to depart from your center.

What does it mean that 'hope and fear are
phantoms of the body'?
When you regard your body as your self,
hope and fear have real power over you.
If you abandon the notion of body as self,
hope and fear cannot touch you.

Know the universe as your self, and
you can live absolutely anywhere in comfort.
Love the world as your self, and
you'll be able to care for it properly."

St. Paul says die to the flesh and live in the spirit; this is all well and good--but to be disabled in this world is to be defined by your flesh, by what your body can, and especially cannot, do. To be trapped between these two phantoms is to live in pain and terror.

Maybe that's why I sought the world as I did, I mean by traveling. To free my body so I could find my life in the spirit. Back again, I struggle with what I say, with what others say to me. I try to listen for God, but all I hear is the mocking voice of disgrace. It tries to feed me to the phantom of fear.

Hope holds them back, it's true, but then favor, that smug demon, smiling, dares my head, my self, to get too big.

In the center of myself, I am worthy--but to Whom? Only to Him Who was here before the world was made.

Day 14 - #36

"What is ultimately to be reduced
must first be expanded.
What is ultimately to be weakened
must first be made strong.
What is ultimately to be discarded
must first be embraced.
What is ultimately to be taken away
must first be given.
This is called subtle insight.

The soft overcomes the hard.
The weak overcomes the strong.
The Tao should never be abandoned.
Weapons should never be displayed."

I think this is what must be called healing, too. A sore must fester before it can run. A heavy load must sag upon the shoulders of its carrier. My softness can make me whole. My weakness can make me new. The first step is to, as I read somewhere else, "lay down my sword in the battle against myself."

Day 13 - #22

"Allow yourself to yield, and
you can stay centered.
Allow yourself to bend, and
you can stay straight.
Allow yourself to be empty, and
you'll get filled up.
Allow yourself to be exhausted, and
you'll be renewed.

Having little, you can receive much.
Having much, you'll just become confused.

Therefore the sage embraces the oneness
and becomes a pattern for the whole world.
She doesn't display herself,
so she becomes illuminated.
She doesn't justify herself,
so she becomes distinguished.
She doesn't boast,
so she is recognized.
She doesn't claim credit,
so she advances and endures.
She doesn't contend,
so no one can contend with her.

'Yield and you can stay centered'--
Is this saying meaningless?
Stay whole, and all things return to you."

What does it mean to have a lot? Materially, I've rarely suffered; spiritually, often and exceedingly. I was in college when I learned to name my mental anguish, in adulthood when I learned just how--now--I've let my thoughts and feelings be disturbed by fears of what might happen. If I can yield to the peace of the present moment only--then, I will have everything.

Day 12 - #23

"Nature is sparing with speech:
a whirlwind doesn't last all morning,
a rain shower doesn't last all day.

What causes these? Heaven and earth.
If heaven and earth can't make something
furious endure, how could man?

Concentrate on Tao and you'll experience Tao.
Concentrate on power and you'll experience power.
Concentrate on loss and you'll experience loss.

If you won't trust, you won't be trusted."

If I make an idol of my loss, I never will lose it.
If I make an idol of motherhood, I never will gain it.
If I make an idol of love, I never will feel it.
If I make an idol of feelings, I never will sense my center.

If I never sense my center, I never will come before God.
If I never come before God, I will hide in my pain.

If I hide in my pain, I never will feel His healing touch.

I wonder sometimes if I make an idol out of everything.

His healing touch is my desire and my fear. But I don't live my life by this desire, this fear; they live, they coexist within me. They wail from my heart, and all I can do is listen, and wait, and trust. Even when it hurts.

All the pain is just another step toward God.

Day 11 - #38

"A truly good person doesn't dwell on her goodness.
Thus she can be truly good.
A person of false goodness never forgets her
goodness.
Thus her goodness is always false.

A truly good person does nothing,
yet nothing remains undone.
A person of false goodness is forever doing,
yet everything remains forever undone.

Those who are interested in service act
without motive.
Those who are interested in righteousness
act with motives of all sorts.
This who are interested in propriety act
and receiving no response, they roll up
their sleeves and use force.

When Tao is lost, goodness appears.
When goodness is lost, philanthropy appears.
When philanthropy is lost, justice appears.
When justice is lost, only etiquette is left.

Etiquette is the faintest husk of real loyalty
and faith, and it is the beginning of confusion.
Knowledge of the future is only a blossom of Tao;
to become preoccupied with it is folly.

Thus the sage sets her sights on the substance
and not the surface, on the fruit and
not the flower.
Leaving the one, she gains the other."

In therapy years ago, I talked about my longing. "What I'm not hearing," my therapist said in thoughtful response, "is the 'cookie cutter' wedding dream. That's good."

I knew then I wanted something good, something right. As anxious about the future as I had let myself become--then, as now--I couldn't be preoccupied with details. I had let go of those as my father lay dying in the hospital--one mad flight of fancy to end all my dreams. Dad giving me away in a suit--Dad never wore suits--and a red tie, whirling me around the dance floor. I almost could smell the orange blossoms in my veil. One last flight of fancy before death became mine for a lifetime.

At 13 I had lost the will to dream of the future. As a grown-up I've struggled with the courage to ask for love. It all still seems like too much--too much to ask and hope for.

Day 10 - #14

"Looked at but not seen,
listened to but not heard,
grasped for but not held,
formless, soundless, intangible:
the Tao resists analysis and
defies comprehension.

Its rising is not about light,
its setting is not a matter of darkness.
Unnameable, unending,
emerging continually, and
continually pouring back into nothingness,
it is formless form, unseeable image,
elusive evasive unimaginable mystery.

Confront it, and you won't see its face.
Follow it, and you can't find an end.
Perceive its ancient subtle heart, however,
and you become master of the moment.
Know what came before time,
and the beginning of wisdom is yours."

It's my own understanding I battle with, my own inner voices snarling against the light. None but the Everlasting Arms could have held me up through this fight so long.

I die of gratitude.

Day 9 - #35

"Stay centered in the Tao and the world
comes to you:
Comes, and isn't harmed;
Comes, and finds contentment.

Most travelers are drawn to music and good food.
When Tao is talked about, the words can seem
bland and flavorless.

Looked at, it might not catch the eye.
Listened to, it might not seduce the ear.
Used, it can never be exhausted."

Exhausted, I fly between hopelessness and dread. I wonder what the future holds. I think I know, and all I see is loss. It feels selfish and vain to hope for something more, yet how could there be less?

I was on a retreat once. The leader, praying, said, "You are not a God of disappointment."

I've wondered since then how I could escape this sense that God is disappointed in me, as I wander ashamed through the darkness, afraid to hope for anything.

My heart is in tatters of loss. It's all I know, all I figured I ever would know, and yet I persevere. I will not give up, though there is pain with every step. I won't give in.

I wonder
I fear
I dread
I dream
I hide
I hold back
I hurt

How can I hold on, except by God's grace?

My heart aches for everything, and nothing, too.