Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Day 3 - #39

"From ancient times these have attained
oneness with Tao:
Heaven attained oneness and became clear.
Earth attained oneness and became peaceful.
Spirits attained oneness and became strong.
Valleys attained oneness and became full.
Beings attained oneness and became fertile.
Sages attained oneness and became whole.
All are what they are by virtue of oneness.

Heaven without clarity would fall.
Earth without peace would explode.
Spirits without strength would dissipate.
Valleys without fullness would dry up.
Beings without fertility would die off.
Sages without wholeness would stumble.

Humility is the root of greatness.
Those in high positions do well to think of
themselves as powerless, small, and unworthy.
Isn't this taking humility for the root?

Attain honor without being honored.
Don't shine like jade, or chime like bells."

How can I find my fertility? Wanting a child, or children, for so long, I struggled to repudiate that desire within myself, ashamed and afraid lest it shouldn't manifest. There were so many things in my way; there always have been, most of all myself. Now I'm struggling to trust that they, that I, will be lifted. That there is--that there will be--a future beyond my pain and losses. I would go through anything to protect and love my child. I would do nothing to stay where I am now. I do everything to trust and persevere. My hope is my jade; my hope is my bells. I have done too much--lived too much--not to see and hear. It hurts to keep my heart open in order to look and listen. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by my desire that lives in such fertile quiet. I'm straining to find it, and yet I must trust that I'm being led into it. There is no time and space to be humble if I'm still running.

I try not to run from the noise and the light, but I fear my body's betrayal. I fear the lack of fulfillment. I fear disordered desire. The fear never will make me one. I let the fear break my heart for so long...What will I do if it breaks my soul?

What will bring my heart to one?

What will bring my soul to peace and everlasting hope? I don't run from it; it runs from me. Or so I feel it's beyond my ken. What is the purpose of this pain I feel? What can I do with my hope in the face of it? I get tempted to throw it away. But what then? I would rend myself irreparably. And I would use that rending to justify my hurt and sadness.

That's not humble. That's not hopeful. That's not one.

Where is my son? Where is my daughter? Where is my whole heart?

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