Spring

"Sun and moon divide the sky,
Fragrance blooms on pear wood bones:
Earth awakens with a sigh.
Wanderer revels on the path alone."

I have always marveled at the use of the same word for the blooming season as for a leaping motion. It reminds me that the seasons of everyone's life are different. At marriage I was self-conscious about being an "old maid" bride; when my children are born their arrivals will be stained with the stigma of "advanced maternal age." And yet, I face life now with as much if not more energy than in my younger years. Especially lately, whenever I tell my age, people are surprised: "You look younger," they say. "I thought you were in your late twenties." I wouldn't be entirely honest if I said this wasn't a relief, but a little positive reinforcement goes a long way when one walks an unusual path in life. Slowly I am learning to revel in it, indeed. 

Fear

"Trust the gods within,
Accept given boons.
Illusion is reality's border:
Pierce fear to go beyond."

I've let fear hinder me a lot in my life. Being disabled in an ableist, inaccessible world teaches one not to trust oneself, teaches one that one would be better off any number of ways, including dead, and with any number of helps, including those any self-respecting non-disabled person would deem not only unhelpful but also downright inappropriate, if not harmful. I have spent my whole adult life teaching myself to trust, and I still have a long way to go. Thing is, I no longer fear that I will never get there. 

Fate

"Dispel time
And you will
Dispel fate."

A dear friend recently told me, in solidarity about my miscarriage, "God does not waste." It's altogether too easy to think of Him as a master of fate, rather than sheer Master of the Universe. Yes, every day with God is an opportunity. He allows us to learn His wisdom and His will in His time. That is not fateful, but altogether purposeful, and His purpose is eternal. 

Sanctity

"Every soul is inviolable,
Any thought can be private.
The deepest goal is to
Find sanctity's source."

I only wish everyone knew how precious they really are. If I seek what is holy and good in each moment, I can't help but experience people this way. There is no backing away from a conviction as to the value and holiness of each life, itself. We are the very breath of God in this world. Should we not also seek His essence in everyone, and in everything else, too? 

Breakthrough

"Lake shadows color of cold,
Willow branches weep ice.
Swan rises dazzling in the sunlight."

I tell myself that if I just keep going, I will suddenly find myself beyond anywhere I ever knew before. This has happened many times in my life before, and I'm sure it will again. I know that this is a process of growth and striving, that one day I will look back and marvel at how fast it all changed. But for now I'm here, and God is teaching me the lessons as deliberately as He pleases. I try to understand that He's giving me the tools for my breakthrough. I try to understand that I have so many already, and should use them to the full. I relish what's truly good, and learn quickly from the rest to change it for the better. Perhaps the breakthrough is happening now--like springtime, like fire. 

Accumulation

"An opening in the storming sea,
Gold deposited on bones.
Once accumulation has begun,
Take care not to interfere."

Not long after I had come to L.A., I went to see a friend for a reiki treatment. During the course of our session she would comment on some insights she was getting from her energy work. I remember that she said, "I'm getting a sense of accumulation...Nesting...You have a strong urge to be a mother." Later, "Maybe you're like a salmon. They always come home to breed." The latter, said lightheartedly, nevertheless gave me food for thought, as well as hope for the future family I had always dreamed of. At that point I was just about a year and a half away from starting my relationship with the man I would marry. And I made a discovery that accumulation in life is not always a bad thing; throughout my travels, as a way to deal with moving on from experiences, from disappointments, from grief, I'd always pared down. It's still usually my first instinct. But I saw with this friend for the first time that thoughtful acquisition, cultivation, and keeping can bring us the right things for a good and holy reason: As I read in my prayers daily, "that we may love all things for Your sake, and You above all things."

Affirmation

"Stand at the precipice,
That existential darkness,
And call into the void:
It will surely answer."

I tell myself every day that it's only the timing of the answer that I don't know; in waiting, I work up the courage to call out ever louder. I know He wants to hear from me, and I believe I will hear Him when He wants me to. 

Discovery

"Seize the mountain spirits,
Make them divulge their secrets.
Only with strength is there discovery."

Being willing to seek God is the hardest step. Even after that choice has been made, all the senses must be open. To be awakened and to stay in such a state is the greatest challenge of a life of faith, but to be invited into this relationship of discovery is the greatest calling and blessing, indeed. 

Entertainment

"The mind that turns ever outward
Will have no end to craving.
Only the mind turned inward
Will find a still-point of peace."

There must be a time to seek new experiences, and a time to rest, or return to the old. The spirit in which both are done is the most important. Are we not called to enjoy the wonders of God's earth? Are we not called to contribute to them? Turned inward, I can listen for His call; turned outward I can act on it. 

Independence

"A solitary crane
In winter snow
Needs no jewels."

I've never been the most independent of persons--perhaps because I am a twin, perhaps because I am disabled, perhaps because I was raised as one of only two grandchildren on one side of my family: Whatever the reason, it took me a while to find my own feet in this world. I can imagine that's why I was forced to stay single so long. Yet even now, in my much-hoped-for marriage, I need my independence badly. And I am continually struck by how often I still make choices independently, or can. This could be the beginning of true interdependence. 

Illumination

"Fire feeding on fire."

I'm thinking of Catherine of Siena again...and of the fact that most likely, none of us sets the world on fire alone. I constantly challenge myself to come into deeper, if not always possibly closer, contact with people around me. I only ever want to learn and awaken, or reawaken. How much untapped power is there left in me, in the world, for good? 

Creativity

"Storm breaks into pieces,
Clouds charge the horizon.
Revolving of the heavens
Generates all movement."

What a mystery and a joy it is that we as humans are invited in such an intimate and specific way to share in the creative power of God. I sometimes wish I could be braver or more immersed in the creative work of my life, but I believe God will give me the time and space for that when He wants it. For now I keep it alive every day, and wait patiently, as I have always (usually) done.

Returning

"Angles against lavender sky
Flung far across heaven's vault.
Unfettered, swallows
Circle back to the nest."

In times of struggle, one always longs to return to peace. Yet there is value in recognizing one's strength during struggle. Life is perhaps an endless cycle between the two. Herein lies my quest for balance and wholeness. Peace or struggle will always return; whichever one I'm in now will not last too long. Knowing that is perhaps a key to wisdom, and part of the freedom to love. 

Cycles

"Dawn is a shimmering of the horizon.
Dusk is a settling of the sky."

People often talk about "things coming full circle." I have often experienced this as a positive thing, but lately I feel helplessly back at the beginning of so much: at my job, in my family life, with my health (I don't want anyone to know how long it's been since I've been to the dentist!), even with seemingly simple plans to get seemingly simple tasks done. I crave a fresh start, instead of another day in the hamster wheel. Dear Lord, bless me with endurance, that I may renew my hope in You!

Ascent

"Chill morning, stone steps.
The path to the temple is steep.
We may stumble at times,
But we must always get up again."

Time and again I have to remind myself that stumbling is part of the process. Physically, I do it more than most. My grandmother used to say, "Be careful...Don't stumble!" and I came to realize she was probably ashamed of my disability and worried about what would happen to me because of it. I learned to answer this with, "I'm tough, I can take it!" I'm not proud of my stumbling--spiritual, that is--but I am proud of the growth and strength that come from it, even the physical.

Unbound

"Bird song flies unfettered
Over blue sky and green fields.
Once you feel Tao run,
Give way, give way."

I'm still waiting for my perfect momentum, listening for it as for a distant song I long to join in singing. I have a feeling it sometimes catches me unawares, so that I'm in it without being aware of being there. I stand ready to cultivate awareness, ready to let the spirit pour over me.

Articulation

"Rain dripping from eaves
Sounds nature's poetry.
We speak and write to
Explain to ourselves."

I've been blessed with natural curiosity and some measure of creativity and thoughtfulness. As a writer and teacher of language, I feel ashamed of the struggle I often feel to communicate my best thoughts. Perhaps if I'm quiet, if I relax, if I listen instead of try to speak, I can let the truth flow through me here. 

Interpretation

"All that we experience is subjective.
There is no sensation without interpretation.
We create the world and ourselves;
Only when we stop do we see the truth."

That's what I've been feeling like doing lately: Stopping. The tragedies and unrest in the world, the stress of trivialities at work, my personal heartache...All are making life just a little hard to bear. But while we live perhaps it's harder to stop than it is just to tread water. Sometimes staying in the flow of life is exhausting. I can't see where it's going and, what's worse, sometimes I don't even want to. There's only so much I can to do interpret difficulties in a positive way. I know the struggle makes me strong, but I would be a fool to expect some reward for my strength. If it comes, I will rejoice in it. If it doesn't, I will do my best to stop even as I live. 

Sorrow

"Rain scatters plum petals;
Weeping stains the earth.
One can only take shelter
And wait for clearing."

Lately some of the sorrows of my life have been weighing more heavily on me. I'm grateful to those friends who are reaching out in the midst of my tempest. I'm grateful also for the strength to face whatever is coming next. While I hope for a reprieve, I take nothing for granted. 

Celibacy

"In winter, animals do not mate.
Preserve your Tao
By preserving your essence."

In this blog I spent considerable time and energy musing on how and why I managed to remain celibate for the first 34 years of my life. How much simpler my journey would have been if somebody had laid out that the choice to give it up or not is really just a choice between preserving or sharing one's life force. How much happier I would have been, how grateful to preserve my life force until I had received just the right invitation. These days I take comfort in knowing I did the right thing, but at what cost? It's only recently that I've come to believe my unique life force has its own intrinsic value. If I can help another learn from that pain, it will have to be enough. 

Source

"Wellspring of energy
Rises in the body's core
Tap it and be sustained.
Channel it, and it will speak."

This week--well, for most of this year, really--I have felt buffeted by forces beyond my control. At some moments, the only power I have to draw upon is His. It's best, then, that I remember that it's He Who put it within my reach.

Opportunity

"A green bird darting in the night.
Will you be able to see it?
Will you be able to catch it?

Cling to Tao like a shadow.
Move without a shadow."

I have learned to watch and listen for the Lord in all I do. Even so I fear His wrath and rejection. I need to trust that He will come to and for me at the right time. 

Predilection

"Those who follow Tao do so
From their own predilection.
There are no promises,
Yet the rewards are immeasurable."

My life has never been so rich and so clear as it has since I started my journey of faith. As a child I looked for the magic in everything, and while I think it's still part of my gift to bring that out, I also can distill it to, and focus on, what truly comes from Him. The rest is an illusion.

Muteness

"The more you dwell in the spirit,
The farther you are from common ways.
If you want to speak of Tao's wonders,
Few will listen."

I've heard it said, "Keep your ears open and your mouth shut, and you'll learn a lot." Advice I should follow. I try so hard to listen, yet I fail immeasurably. I am so grateful that He gives me the grace to keep trying. May I one day, finally, succeed.

Division

"Problems cannot be
Resolved at once.
Slowly untie knots
Divide to conquer."

Why does it always feel like all the problems in the world need to be resolved...yesterday? There is no more urgent work than saving a life, and yet there are still such sharp lines between whose lives come together in this world, and in what way. People may need to "take care of their own," and yet we all belong to each other. How can it be both, and how can it not? Everyone deserves to feel safe and loved. 

Adversity

"A tree hemmed in by giants
Requires tenacity to survive."

I do my best every day to thank God for helping me to face my difficulties. I worry about how much energy He leaves me to help others face theirs. And there are even still greater difficulties faced by whole communities...Lord, where do I start with those? How can I help? What can I do?

A big part of my faith is the tenacity to keep asking, even when no answers come.

Imbalance

"Sleepless nights.
Diet, mind, conditions
Hold the possibility of correction."

It occurs to me that while we live, the opportunity always exists for us to "get right with God," whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. I have tried to learn to watch, listen, and otherwise sense when and how those specific opportunities come to me. May I continue to seek His blessing in everything I do, say,  think and feel.

Amen. 

Nonconformity

"The world is dazzling,
I alone am dull.
Others strive for achievement,
I follow a lonely path."

In my life, despite being a twin, despite being born into a happy, loving family, I have always felt alone. Even now in my deeply blessed marriage, I struggle with a sense of isolation and pain. Heightened though it may be by the recent loss of my baby, I continue to seek answers to it and help for it in my faith. Everything I do is my attempt to heal. In healing, maybe I can bring a new perspective, and help, to others.

Beauty

"Lavender roses.
Incarnate fragrance,
Priestly hue of dawn,
Spirit unfolding."

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever."  Or so I would like to think. If we all are made to seek eternity, then it seems only fitting that we should share the many beauties we find along our way.

Interaction

"We make life real
By the thoughts we project."

So often in this "new-age-y" time we're living in, I feel so bombarded with messages about negativity and positivity: Negative thoughts beget negative actions, especially. But many such thoughts come unbidden, and indeed unwanted. When that happens to me, I strive to change them by my actions, as I try to follow God's will toward results which I believe He would want. 

Death

"Death is
The opposite
Of time."

I've begun to think of death as liberation, and change. A scientific view would seem not to be incompatible with a spiritual one; Energy does not in fact die or stop, it only changes: Free to take a different form once the previous one has been expended. When one thing has finished, we are free to start something new. When we are gone, as we are known, our loved ones are free to move on as they choose. None of it has to mean that we cease to be.