Day 8 - #33

"Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing the self is enlightenment.
Conquering others is power;
conquering the self is strength.

Know what is enough, and you'll be rich.
Persevere, and you'll develop a will.
Remain in the center, and you'll always
be at home.
Die without dying, and you'll endure forever."

To know self and to die to self--the impossible dichotomy of faith.
To know self and to let go of self means room to grow.

Free your self for what is enough.

Day 7 - #26

"Heaviness is the root of lightness.
Tranquility is the root of agitation.

That is why the sage travels all day
without ever losing sight of her baggage.
She may live in a glorious palace, but
she isn't attached to its pleasures.

Why should the lord of ten thousand chariots
behave lightly in the world?
One who acts lightly loses her foundation.
One who becomes agitated sacrifices her mastery."

I heard a sermon once, about St. John Vianney, patron saint of parish priests. Apparently he was, by all accounts, stupid. He almost failed in his studies struggling to learn the Latin and Greek and whatever else would be required of him to fulfill his role as curate. But, as the priest said then, "He knew the theology because it was in his heart."

Since that time I often have reflected on this: How, as another speaker once said, "the desire for God is written in the human heart." How stupid I have felt, as I struggle still to internalize the lessons my life of faith has taught me! Not willing to trust that my own treasure already is there inside me. In my stupidity, I only have buried it deeper, tried to hide it under my obsessions, my worries, my fear, my pain.

When faced with the true love and mercy of God, how fragile indeed is the mantle of oppression and hate.

Day 6 - #55

"She who is filled with goodness
is like a newborn child:
wasps and snakes will not bite it,
fierce beasts will not attack it,
birds of prey will not pounce on it.

Its bones are soft and its muscles weak,
but its grip is firm.
It hasn't yet known the union of male and female,
yet its organ stirs with vitality.
It can howl all day without becoming hoarse,
so perfect is its harmony.

To know harmony is to know the eternal.
To know the eternal is to be illuminated.

Prolonging life is not harmonious.
Coercing the breath is unnatural.
Things which are overdeveloped must decay.
All this is contrary to Tao, and whatever
is contrary to Tao soon ceases to be."

How can I begin to understand all that is good within me? For so long I let myself believe it all bad, all wasteful and self-indulgent. Instead I find this desire within me pure and holy and good. Best of all, there is someone else who sees and embraces that as well, hard as I still strain to disbelieve it.

Hard to hear the harmony--
above the clangor of my grief--
Like a wave breaking on a new
and untouched shore.

I finally know--
untouched does not mean
unloved.
unexplored does not mean
unknowable.
untapped does not mean
unreachable.

I reach
I love
I grow

I believe

Day 5 - #56

"Those who know don't talk.
Those who talk don't know.

Close your mouth.
Block the door.
Quiet your senses.
Blunt the sharpness.
Untie the tangles.
Soften the brightness.
Be one with the dust,
and enter the primal oneness.

One who has merged with Tao in this way
can't be courted,
can't be bought,
can't be harmed,
can't be honored,
can't be humiliated.
He is the treasure of the world."

So I was praying the other day, about my longing for a child. As I so often do. As I've been so scared to do. So ashamed.

Jesus came to me in his crown of thorns, as he often does. Bloody face, flooding eyes. He put His finger to my lips, His ear to my womb. Listen. Don't speak.

Then the risen Christ, white robe and all, clean--made new--arose from where I lay, from where His ear had been. Clean face, clean hair, smiling eyes. Rays of mercy from His hands, from my core.

Day 4 - #24

"A man who tiptoes can't stand.
A man who straddles can't walk.
A man who shows off can't shine.

A man who justifies his actions isn't respected.
A man who boasts of his achievements has no merit.
A man who brags will not endure.

To a person of Tao, these things are
excess food and superfluous behavior.
Because nothing good can come of them,
he doesn't indulge in them."

I, who always felt I had nothing to boast of--I overcompensated. I let myself become small. Perhaps in a way this is good, but what I mean is, I was almost ready to let my light go out. Too many times, I tiptoed. I tried not to shine. I hid. I let myself lie to myself. And then I started to believe the lies:

You can't be loved.
You can't have life.
You know bad things--only bad things.
You do bad things--the good things never will outlast.
You are bad--you deserve to die.

The worst was when I started to think
God wanted it all, too.

I never thought spiritual attack was real, until I couldn't outrun it anymore.
Facing it alone has been exhausting, but I will keep on.
I will win. If I keep being honest, I will win.

I will not tiptoe; I will stride.
I will not straddle; I will leap.
I will not show off; I will show up.

I will respect (myself)
I will endure

I will mature
I will believe (again)
I will hope (and trust and pray)
I will love (and live to be.)

I will give life.
I will ache, I will grow
I will know: joy, peace,
deep trust, deep hope, deep faith, deep knowing, deep longing.

fun healing wonder horror more
than I can say here             more
than I can share                  more
than I can have now or ever.

That's why I try to hold it lightly now - let go so I can
let myself be.

Day 3 - #39

"From ancient times these have attained
oneness with Tao:
Heaven attained oneness and became clear.
Earth attained oneness and became peaceful.
Spirits attained oneness and became strong.
Valleys attained oneness and became full.
Beings attained oneness and became fertile.
Sages attained oneness and became whole.
All are what they are by virtue of oneness.

Heaven without clarity would fall.
Earth without peace would explode.
Spirits without strength would dissipate.
Valleys without fullness would dry up.
Beings without fertility would die off.
Sages without wholeness would stumble.

Humility is the root of greatness.
Those in high positions do well to think of
themselves as powerless, small, and unworthy.
Isn't this taking humility for the root?

Attain honor without being honored.
Don't shine like jade, or chime like bells."

How can I find my fertility? Wanting a child, or children, for so long, I struggled to repudiate that desire within myself, ashamed and afraid lest it shouldn't manifest. There were so many things in my way; there always have been, most of all myself. Now I'm struggling to trust that they, that I, will be lifted. That there is--that there will be--a future beyond my pain and losses. I would go through anything to protect and love my child. I would do nothing to stay where I am now. I do everything to trust and persevere. My hope is my jade; my hope is my bells. I have done too much--lived too much--not to see and hear. It hurts to keep my heart open in order to look and listen. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by my desire that lives in such fertile quiet. I'm straining to find it, and yet I must trust that I'm being led into it. There is no time and space to be humble if I'm still running.

I try not to run from the noise and the light, but I fear my body's betrayal. I fear the lack of fulfillment. I fear disordered desire. The fear never will make me one. I let the fear break my heart for so long...What will I do if it breaks my soul?

What will bring my heart to one?

What will bring my soul to peace and everlasting hope? I don't run from it; it runs from me. Or so I feel it's beyond my ken. What is the purpose of this pain I feel? What can I do with my hope in the face of it? I get tempted to throw it away. But what then? I would rend myself irreparably. And I would use that rending to justify my hurt and sadness.

That's not humble. That's not hopeful. That's not one.

Where is my son? Where is my daughter? Where is my whole heart?

Day 2 - #41

"When a wise person hears Tao,
he practices it diligently.
When an average person hears Tao,
he practices it sometimes,
and just as often ignores it.
When an inferior person hears Tao,
he roars with laughter.
If he didn't laugh, it wouldn't be Tao.

Thus the age-old sayings:
The way to illumination appears dark.
The way that advances appears to retreat.
The way that is easy appears to be hard.
The highest virtue appears empty.
The purest goodness appears soiled.
The most profound creativity appears fallow.
The strongest power appears weak.
The most genuine appears unreal.
The greatest space has no corners.
The greatest talent matures slowly.
The greatest voice can't be heard.
The greatest image can't be seen.

Tao is hidden and has no name.
Tao alone nourishes and fulfills all things."

My illumination came out of this:

My father, lying on the table in the hospital, eyes and mouth half open, filmed over, not breathing. "His spirit is still in that room," my mother said. What did I know about that then? When all of a sudden life forces you to believe something you've never been confronted with before.

Not two days after Robin Williams's death, I heard about a friend's suicide attempt. He survived, thank God.

Even I'd thought about it from time to time. Imagined it so deeply my heart seemed to stop. Wondered about my weapon of choice. Once I went through the motions with a knife, sawing back and forth as it descended through the air to raise the barest scratches on my arm.

I always thought I was just too chicken. But my illumination came out of this:

Staring death in the face and knowing, I'm not ready to go there yet.