Continuation

"Upon completion comes fulfillment.
With fulfillment comes liberation.
Liberation allows you to go on.
Even death is not a true ending.
Life is infinite continuation."

During my time as an ESL teacher, I became familiar with the Japanese concept of "gaman" which I've found enormously useful and edifying for me in all aspects of my life. The definition I looked up just now calls it, "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity." As a disabled person, I find myself consistently occupying a less than dignified place in the world, so I guess my gaman would be applying what patience I can muster in order to transcend that, if not change it outright. Naturally, being neither Japanese nor the most graceful of persons by any stretch, I often falter--yet by some miracle I am still here and still trying to get it right. Whatever should befall me in the year to come and beyond, I will keep using the beautiful tools I discover to shape my life with patience and dignity. To do anything less would be a shame, indeed. 

Morning

"Morning.
New day.
Joy of birth."

I will be looking for the good things in this new year of my life. My husband was asking me earlier what doing this blog has brought to my life, or how it has changed me. I think I've finally figured out that I'm not crazy, just deep. I'm not overly sensitive or negative, just willing to live with pain and discomfort. Not forever, of course, but for the past year, at least, I've done with it what I could. I'm ready to welcome some more changes now--hopefully ones that are a little gentler and sweeter, but then, my biggest birthday wish of all is the only one I didn't get. I'll do my best to remember that I can leave that disappointment behind in the morning. 

Night

"In night's vast ocean,
Sun, moon, and earth align,
Pulling the earth out of roundness
And making tides rage.
Such is the power of night."

I always feel more alive and energetic at night. I start to feel especially like I don't want to miss any of what the earth is doing. But when I have that opportunity, not to miss anything, I tend to waste it by worrying. Maybe as another year comes to passing over, I can let that waste go, and stay more focused. It's what I want more than anything as I strive anew to make a living and a life for myself and my family. 

Emptiness

"Dust cannot gather
If there is no mirror there."

Today I am reminded that, as a person of faith, I am not only here to reflect that, but to be filled. At the moments when I am feeling less than, God will meet me where I am, lift and fulfill me. I have a duty to allow that, and I am still learning how. 

Purity

"Purity is light."

When I sang in the choir in college, we did one hymn that went, "God is light, and in Him is no darkness, no darkness at all." Ever since that time, all I have striven to do is follow the light. Even when I can't stay focused, I know it's there, so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

Ending

"A shadow edge is never on the edge.
The time to contemplate the ending is before the ending."

At a time when I am struggling to go confidently into a new phase and a new year of my life, it's painful and difficult to think about endings. I think it's a blessing that we get to end each day and sleep. For my rest to be true, I must trust in the power of His timing. Since my ultimate ending is not up to me, I can only make a good end to each day. 

Sanity

"You are demons.
You are darkness.
Your soul is at stake.   Your soul is light.
Dissipation is the threat.
Don't surrender the key.   Just dissolve."

Until now, with the whopping Mothers' Day/birthday duo to remind me, I have suffered the worst loss I could possibly imagine--out of all of them--yet I survived, and continue to despite everything. I trust that was for a purpose beyond just holding onto my sanity. At this time of many changes, may the changes I also want to make affirm my sanity rather than test it. This is my best and only request at this moment.