Uselessness

"An ancient gnarled tree:
Too fibrous for a logger's saw,
Too twisted to fit a carpenter's square,
Outlasts the whole forest."

Who decides what--or who--is useful, or what--or who--isn't? God calls us according to his purpose, and yes, some people would say that our job is to show up and tell God, "Use me, use me, please!" I think it's not always that simple. God doesn't go around putting stickers on our foreheads. I think He invites us to grow in Him, and with each other, not so that He can use us, but so that we can use the gifts He has given us. 

Laughter

"Hilly village lanes,
Whitewashed sunlit walls.
Cerulean sea.
The laughter of children."

How I long to greet each day with the above. How I fail miserably each day to trust Him to care for me as one of His children. I keep telling myself that must be why He hasn't yet entrusted me with children of my own, but I wonder if that's really the truth.  And so I wait in joyful hope, daring myself each moment to rejoice in Him. 

Renewal

"City on a hill,
Untouched land beyond.
A fallow field is
The secret of fertility."

In the frenetic flow of everyday life, it's a challenge to find sufficient rest. What can I do to allow myself the stillness and focus to keep the light of my life aflame? It can feel so fragile and ephemeral, that it's altogether too easy to run everywhere looking for any way to keep it burning at both ends. If that all sounds obvious, then it might be because of the necessity of showing that light fully in order for others to understand what keeps it bright. What is the best way to share without becoming drained or depleted? How can the light continue to shine forth without going out? 

Communication

"Movement, objects, speech, words:
We communicate through gross symbols.
We call them 'objective,'
But we cannot escape our point of view."

The main Bible verse I chose for today, I feel, reflects this "grossness"; not everybody has the same idea of what constitutes a word fitly spoken, in due time. Words spoken in true righteousness can still be twisted in order to condemn the speaker. What I struggle to remember is that all human points of view are limited; as such, the words spoken to express them must be chosen carefully. Perhaps such care must be learned separately; it reminds me of the plaque on the wall of my grandparents' home: "If you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words." May God come to me in my silence, that He may guide me in my words, forever. 

Skills

"Zither, chess, book, painting, sword.
These symbolize classical skill."

Being disabled has taught me not to take for granted those skills many people hardly recognize as such: Walking. Feeding, dressing, and bathing oneself. While I was growing up, because I could master easily those activities of daily living, the focus became my fitting in: "Just focus on what you can do," I was told, when I might have liked to try tennis or dance class or karate. Sit down, stick to what you know, and if you're talented enough, maybe eventually no one will notice that you walk funny, fall a lot, and sometimes even drool. In the '80's, pre-ADA, nobody imagined that people who weren't "confined to a wheelchair," might conceivably use one, anyway, for some things, some of the time: Like tennis, or dance class. Wheelchair karate? I don't know, but if you ever find any, let me know so I can:

But never mind. My point is, I wish I'd had more tools at the time to creatively confront those skills society said people like me could never attain. My internalized ableism even eventually persuaded me to give up my first love, theatre, and while what I understand as "a retreat into writing" seems to have led me to this match made in Heaven with my actor-turned-writer husband, what I hope to give our children in the challenges they face is the insight to discover that skill is as much about how you approach a task as what you attain in the doing of it. 

Happiness

"Let us not follow vulgar leaders
Who exploit the fear of death,
And promise the bliss of salvation.
If we are truly happy,
They will have nothing to offer."

For this, I have only the words of faith. May I strive to live in them, move in them, and be them, all the days of my life. 

Initiative

"Let us not be confused
With kaleidoscopic reality.
Using wisdom and courage to act,
Let us not add to the confusion."

These days I try so hard to respond rather than react. If this is attained, thinking and feeling do not have to be so far apart. If God has endowed us both with reason, and with emotion, does He not intend for them to go together? With His guidance, we can use both to discern His will.