Forbearance

"Arctic breath coils the mountain,
Rattling the forests' bones.
Raindrops cling to branches:
Jeweled adornment flung to earth."

When people say, "God never gives you more than you can handle," I don't believe them. What I want to believe about it is, "God gives you the strength to handle everything." I know I have not handled everything on my plate as gracefully as I could have, ever. For that I ask His forgiveness, and try to show Him my willingness to forbear all, with love for Him.

Emerging

"Thunder and rain at night.
Growth comes with a shock.
Expression and duration
Appear in the first moment.

People say change is inevitable, and yet growth is gradual. If what I've been waiting for all this time will only pass so quickly, then I say, let it come. I will be ready. I will be ready, because I have been waiting. 

Sound

"Wind in the cave:
Movement in stillness.
Power in silence."

Hello, darkness, my old friend. I don't want to talk to you anymore. When I was in my deepest grieving, over my father, over some other critical relationships, when I had no idea what the future held and usually felt that I didn't care to know, I would wander around wherever I was in the world at the time and say in my head again and again--sometimes barely keeping it all inside--"No more now. No more now, okay? Please, no more now."

An echo of that still comes up now and then, after this baby. I try to find the courage inside just to keep forging ahead and being honest, not running from my truth. If the tears come, I don't try to hide them. Still, I find myself hoping that a new truth will dawn in my life someday. 

Reflection

"Moon above water.
Sit in solitude."

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone…" but what of woman? There are people who would argue that the only purpose for her is to be the helpmeet of man. In my life it's been a role I've longed to fulfill, and I've been only too happy to do so since my wedding day--even before then, in my own way. Yet I am also given to understand that with His coming into the world, Jesus radically changed all that. With the new covenant, perhaps, came options for women, options that in the new heaven and the new earth none of us now can imagine. I've always felt that only by fully stepping into the role of wife and mother will I be truly free. I'm still so far away from that, grieving the loss of my baby, that maybe I need to be alone.  If I am alone, maybe He will find me. Maybe He will lead me back and give me hope. I can only pray, "Thy will be done."

Devotion

"Make the crooked straight,
Make the straight to flow.
Gather water, fire and light.
Bring the world to a single point."

It is written, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee." If only I can focus, I need not worry. Nothing separates us from the love of God, and what He wills for me is what I need to do. I trust that everything He gives me power to perceive will lead me to that, and to Him.

Ablution

"Washing at dawn:
Rinse away dreams.
Protect the gods within,
And clarify the inner spirit."

I've often reflected that it wouldn't be my life if I didn't have to struggle a little. I've felt most keenly the cycles of desolation and consolation which, I've heard others say, are part and parcel of a life of faith. At the same time, I realize now that I've never asked Him specifically to purify me for His purpose, although I've tried to live in such a way that would help that happen, anyway. I've been so focused on my fear of Him that I forget how much He loves me. Perhaps in all the waiting I say I've done for Him, He's been waiting for me, too. I want to make myself available. I try to ask, but I don't know what to ask for and I'm afraid to get too specific, if only because I'm sure I rarely do all of that which I'm supposed to. Here's to trying anew. I know it's not too late. I pray that it may never be. 

Beginning (Again)

"This is the moment of embarking.
All auspicious signs are in place."

A hopeful place to be as another milestone birthday draws to a close. As I recommit myself here, I look forward to what Deng Ming-Dao calls "the sounds of our purpose" in my own life. I have to listen.

Lord, I am listening, so let me hear You. I long to hear You!