Counterpoint

"It is blazing hot today.
Valley heat is drawn to meet the coast.
The cool days of autumn dance with false summer.
White within black, black within white."

That which seems true often isn't, and I know from experience that most truths, at least as interpreted by fellow humans, are neither self-evident nor universal. As we work toward justice, may mutual understanding breed harmony--and where there can be none, may discord breed a healthy dissent. 

Loneliness

"Loneliness need not be despair.
It could be opportunity."

I know my husband and I are feeling so isolated right now. Our status as disabled Americans will harm us more than anything, we fear. But until such time as our lives do come under direct threat, we will continue to move forward and connect with others. Every moment carries the opportunity and potential for action, even if that means just loving each other. I am grateful, and I will stay grateful, for my life, come what may. 

Silence

"Seek silence.
Gladden in silence.
Adore silence."

Not long ago, my husband and I were in a Lyft car--we've always used only Lyft--being picked up from church. In the 5-minute drive from our parish to our apartment, the driver managed to pick my brain about the Catholic faith more thoroughly than anyone has done since I was in college, or possibly ever. Hearkening back to RCIA  and everything I'd ever learned in Newman Club, on various retreats and even our Engaged Encounter, I proceeded to give her as thorough a witness as possible, fresh from the homily and liturgy as we were. "Sorry for all the questions," she told me as she dropped us off. "No, it's good," I said. "We should all be ready to do that, no matter what we believe. Thank you."

I meant it. Not only because I always wish people would ask instead of assuming, but also because I think many of us in Christian faith communities in particular have become far too caught up in cultural assumptions about how other people, particularly other Christians, should think, believe and practice. I will spare you--or at least save for another time--a long, beleaguered post about the ways this is currently being expressed in American politics, and instead offer this view that seeking "a personal relationship with Jesus" has instead become self-seeking, that "God's plan for us" tends to look a lot more like our plan for God. Instead of looking at Jesus' sacrifice as an example, we ask only what it has gained for us. This is dangerous: Not pro-life, not Christ-like, and certainly not God-centered. I know that only when I quiet myself, and try to remove myself from the center of my daily affairs, do I find God--or even begin to look for Him in others. I now pray for blessed silence daily, in order to speak in wisdom and in truth when called upon.

Author's note: Many of the links here are cited for example only. I am painfully aware that what I bring up here is fodder for much further, deeper and more necessary exploration than I can do at the moment. That said, I intend to follow them up during the course of the rest of this blog, as well as in any resultant writings. 

Stimulation

"Sex, coffee, liquor, and cigarettes
Are the totems of today.
Stimulation has replaced feeling."

What is it that people love to say: 'If it feels good, do it?' The experience I have of such things is that they often numb my feelings when I should seek to deepen them. For this reason I welcome the sense of emotional overwhelm that accosts me these days. As I move among my fellow folks with great tenderness, hope and even joy are revealed to me. Out of this comes my compassion, and with compassion there is no room for fear or dread. 

Bridge

"Dream arch shimmers in storm clouds:
Bridge between heaven and earth.
Its entrance is hard to find."

The one great hope I have is that through all this tumultuous political process, the very most ruined parts, places, and hearts in our society will be laid bare so as to be built back up and over into something better, stronger, and right. I remember saying to a friend right after the election that over and over again God has revealed the worst in me so that I may be empowered to change it. This is what's necessary for growth, and for healing. The fact that it's happening in our country on a grand scale is horrifying, but we must face it. We must change it. We must strike out in a new direction, over territory we never dared cross before.

Cleansing

"Early autumn rain cleanses away smeared heat.
A grateful traveler takes in crystal skies and crisp air.
Distant mountains seem more vast and blue,
And the sound of the waterfall grows more loud."

Despite burgeoning worries, concerns, and fears, the newness of life persists around us. In the midst of horrifying notions, inspirations shock us like sparks. When we have no hope, we must be hope, especially if we doubt our hearts are pure enough to handle it.

Breakthrough

"In late summer, heaven's breath is damply hot.
It smothers the earth with dullness.
Suddenly, thick clouds gather:
A wave of polar air passes like a frigid rake.
Acorns fall like bullets,
And a new wind breaks through."

May the best of my country and the best of humanity break through this time of stagnation under oppressive leadership. May we each break through to each other in new, exciting, love-filled ways that allow us to herald a new heaven and a new earth...May we all be written in the book of life of the Lamb. 

Arbitrary

"Meaning in life is arbitrary.
Why ruin the universe with rigidity?"

I think the most important risk I can take is to let go. Since I've become more open to the patterns and wisdom already in nature, I understand my connection to it all much better, and there is enough supposed meaning to sustain my philosophical side. What's important is the connection itself, not my ideas about it. Those will work themselves out as I remain available to learn and grow. As I embrace everything new, the fear leaves me, and a hopeful curiosity replaces it. The meaning of that, I can only make as I go. My creativity sustains me, and whatever meaning others make of that is just their own. 

Indefinite

"Spring was a time of swaggering declarations.
Reaching autumn, one finds few absolutes.
Life is mystery and ambiguity,
Toward winter, that now seems agreeable and comfortable."

Being willing to admit that I understand little has been the most empowering thing in the world for me. It puts me in the best position to seek and entertain possibilities, especially when finding the way forward can seem a painful and distasteful task. At moments of overwhelm, I strive to be the most open. Thereby I let go of what I think I know, and make way for the unknown, which must be with me all along. 

Conundrum

"Which came first,
Experience or meaning?"

The above would seem to be the least of all the conundrums humans face. Why, for example, do some people insist only on looking at a few violent incidents to try to discredit one of the largest peaceful protests in history? On the other side of the coin, why people use peaceful aims to try and justify violence is beyond me. Violence breeds only death, and where that leaves everyone is clear. Our experiences will have no meaning if we do not live to have them. There is no conundrum to "live and let live," and to that I would add "love and let love." Why go around and around in a conundrum when God calls us forward? 

Patience

"This apple is like a jewel,
With every shade of red and green
And a perfect shape.
What a miraculous fruit."

A popular expression in recovery is, "Don't leave before the miracle happens." Time and time again I have been tempted against this, certainly in my personal life and still also at this point in history, when I fight daily against the sense that I chose the wrong time to live outside the country. Strong as that temptation might be, the thing to remember is that all my experiences are preparing me to do the best, most challenging work of my life yet. Though there is only ever so ready a person can be, I think I finally have the awareness that will allow me to prepare and embrace both my work and my life in their fullness.

Deserving

"Prostrate before the altar.
Are you worthy of your deity?
Can you eliminate profanity,
And strive for constant adoration?"

Lately I have been thinking less and less of what I might deserve--in what happens to me or in whatever I get--and more and more about what I must do. Through my actions, may I help make the blessings of God available to everyone so that they, too, might be inspired out of entitlement. 

Vitality

"Snail, tiny spiral in calcified membrane;
Inchworm, a hairpin dragon;
Bumblebee, blob of black velvet and yellow,
White butterfly, syncopated burst of gladness;
Naked bulbs, white pubic tentacles in crumbling soil;
Pears, children of earth and sun."

We are careening ever closer to the results of a dangerous misinterpretation of man's dominion over nature. Just as a manager must be part of the team, we--however we may be called to "subdue" it--are still a part of nature. It grows in, through and with us. Just like the animals and plants, we are creatures. Only when we recognize ourselves in humility before our Creator can we share fully in the vitality of nature.

Reverence

"An ocean of ink in a single drop,
Trembling at the tip of my brush.
Poised above stark white paper,
A universe waits for existence."

Sometimes there is such peace in observing people, and animals, at work with simple tasks. I think I've said this before, but it's no wonder, the quiet power such diligence has and the fear it can instill. I think we need to harness that power for the resistance in the time to come. If we take every step forward with reverence, nothing can stop us from doing right. 

Outlook

"Spawned from a mountain cataract,
The long river surges to the sea.
Its torrents savage its igneous bed,
Yet one blade of rock twists it tightly.
Angry waves plow stone furrows into a maze,
And boats find it difficult to maneuver.
From this point, one man held off an entire army,
And poets found inspiration among nests of eagles."

There is a saying I find helpful, "What you focus on grows." At the same time, I think it's worth distinguishing between the foci I choose and the ones brought to my attention by, well, life, the universe, and everything. In those cases, I suppose, how much attention I give them is my choice, and there is the responsibility to discern the purpose of whatever, or whoever, shows up. I recognize that I am in a time of my life that means skill-gathering--as I look back over the many experiences I've had and all the work I've tried to do, I can bring forward the many parts and pieces that have served me well. Each moment of life, even in frightening times like these, does not always have to be new and bewildering. If knowledge is power, then experience is the tool. I can use both together to continue to find my way. 

Receptivity

"I want to make myself an empty room:
Quiet whitewashed walls with slant sunshine
And a fresh breeze through open windows."

I am learning that at a time when action is necessary, rest is also required, in equal if not in greater measure. So much of the struggle of my faith is allowing God to refresh, revive, and heal my spirit. How can I do His work if I don't let Him in? Maybe this is why they call it recreation. 

Dove

"A dove got caught in the rafters last night.
I had quite a time trying to get her out.
She hit her head several times in panic.
Only when she was stunned was I able to care for her.

In the paper there was this quote from a sage:
'Human nature was originally one and we were a whole,
And the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love.'"

'The desire and pursuit of the whole': Is that not also God? But do we ever understand God's intentions? We seek his protection, but we are called to perfection, so we have trials. I know mine often panic me to such an extent that I don't seek help until it seems almost too late. I pray daily to be more alive to the help that is always there. 

Tree

"Did you measure to attain your height?
Did you use geometry to radiate your limbs?
Did you lament storm-torn branches?
Did you inventory your leaves for the sun?
You did none of these things, yet man in his cleverness
Cannot match your perfection."

I ought to pray, "Dear God, make me as still and wise and knowing and created as a tree." The trees seem to know so well that they are God's creatures that they stay rooted and alive far longer than any of us can even imagine. May I learn from these and other aspects of creation how to be less sinful, more whole--rooted in God's wisdom and growing in His grace. 

Garden

"Blinding heat divides day from night,
Brands short shadows into fecund soil.
Green tendrils, heavy with beans,
Coil around rustic bamboo racks.
Violet flowers gape erotically among velvet leaves:
A single gourd contains the entire world's dream."

I often wonder what God's dream is for us. When things are going well, it seems so simple and clear. When shadows fall and dark pain steals in, I don't remember that God and His plans are unaffected by the cares of this world. Because of that, it's even more vital to seek a connection with Him. I've heard that nature is the art of God, but I often wonder instead if we are the art and nature is His medium. 

Farmers

"Plain country folk with rounded bodies,
Skin turning to bronze in the valley heat.
Why talk to them about Tao?
They eat when they are hungry.
They sleep when they are sleepy.
Even a sage with infinite permutations
Could not match their simplicity."

In my efforts to simplify and focus my life, there is the hope that I will soon bring forth something new. Embracing the patient, unhurried nature of cultivation is the greatest challenge for me. The changes I seek take not only effort, but also time. If I pay attention, I will know I have plenty of both. 

Dialogue

"I still talk in my sleep.
I still dream.
How can there be perfect stillness
When my brain's so noisy?"

In the heart's core, of all of us, there is both good and evil. We bring forth that to which we give the most attention. To achieve balance there must be an awareness of each, and a willingness to choose aright. 

Heart

"Imagine your heart as an opening lotus.
From its center comes a crimson child,
Pure, virginal, and innocent."

It's hard to imagine this time as a time of renewal. For most of the past year I've been feeling so beaten down by life in general that it's been a challenge to stay in touch with the true core of my being. At the same time--and for most of my life, really--I've feared that I had nothing pure and true and good to offer, and that to wish for any such thing was just a waste of time. I'm slowly realizing that that's not the case, and that with the right steps forward, the pure, good, and true things I long for can be mine, if I stay honest about them, and about my desires.

Utopia

"Chant one million times for world peace, they told me.
Pray three times a day to end all wars.
Practice austerities to liberate all living beings.
But the world's miseries have never diminished."

I think I have learned that God is not a solver but a presenter of problems. He's like the kind of teacher I want to be, who won't show you the answer but will help you see how to get to it. Earlier tonight my husband and I were talking about how doing the right thing is often simple, but never easy. It seems only natural that, along the way to the narrow gate, one would hit a few walls. The important thing is not to get discouraged, so one must always be careful that one's own vision for the future is clear and true. 

Goal

"What is an archer
Without a target?"

I cannot let the purpose of my own life be lost amid the strife and pain of this country at present. If anything, I must intensify my focus as I continue to expand it. 

Youth

"You've left home too soon:
Drunks frighten you, profligates paw you.
What good is a hermit's jewel?"

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how people say youth is wasted on the young. I often wonder if I wasted mine, and sometimes wish that the opportunities I have now had come to me before. This has been especially since I read somewhere that "love brings you to the end," and so I also often fear that perhaps what's been happening in my life now means that I actually will die soon. This is why I am grateful to have discovered--and rediscovered--Tao these past few years. It's helped me to bring my notions and experiences of both life and death into balance. With this balance comes some measure of peace. With peace comes energy: The energy not to despise either my youth, or the time I have left. 

Matrix

"This fragile body
Is matrix
For mind and soul."

We may be born into our bodies, but the consciousness that created us has been here since the world was made. To our places and times we belong, but we also belong to the world, and to the One who created it. 

Body

"I am not this fragile body."

Ironic that this is the day when I chose to post about the most insidious discrimination I face: Ableism.  Yes, I am more than my body; yes, I am more than "just" a disabled identity--but the only thing that makes that true is that I am not alone. I am more, because we are together. A friend of mine says that, "The body is the great leveler," and for a long time I couldn't get that, when I felt that mine had been so compromised in so many ways, not least by how so many others have always seemed to perceive it. Yet identities are not forged in isolation; even one who directly experiences social isolation, as I did for many years, is usually aware of the distance and space between themselves and others. I finally found that the body is one way to bridge that, precarious as it may seem. It is important; as both creature and creation, it is a perfect partner to the soul. 

Imprisonment

""Our subjectivity
Is a mirrored,
Spiked casket."

Sometimes I wonder if there is any more to this world than just the longing to be free. Perhaps everyone with a sense of purpose in their lives achieves some level of that freedom. Some people say it all comes down to gratitude. I look around and feel grateful for all I have, but that also only serves to deepen and focus a certain longing and hope for other gifts--those gifts that, some people say, might not free me after all. But how to have freedom from want without growing callous? And so I dare to stay open, despite my sense of lack and unworthiness. 

Stress

"Job pressures are overwhelming.
Responsibilities are heavy.
When I close my eyes,
The demands of others are all I see."

I was expecting to feel a lot more like this today. Instead, I found myself moving through my day, at most parts, with relative ease. When I close my eyes, I tend to get in my own way. I get overwhelmed by the darkness I feel, and the fear. I try to remember that I'm never truly alone unless I choose to be, that what I feel and experience now is only a temporary problem instead of the way things have to be. It's easy enough to say that change requires courage; it's a lot more difficult to be the courage, and the change. 

Spider

"Mind in the center
Radiates to eight legs,
Creating a supreme web
To sift Tao."

I am reminded today that there is not a creature in Heaven or on Earth that is not under God's care. We live, and move, and are in Him. The ongoing challenge is to do it all for Him, too. I often doubt if I am up to it, and then my sorrow creeps in. I must cast that into the web of lies I spin myself, and put myself even more firmly under His protection and care. Humble surrender, a shedding of losses, a readiness to embrace the new: I step toward Him now more fearlessly, even as I fear Him. 

Prophets

"The prophets have their secrets
And their certain magic.
I am not a prophet.
I know only the ordinary.
That is my Tao."

I have often thought that a gift of mine--better call it a blessing bestowed--is to see the ordinary in an extraordinary way. Perhaps that is what has attracted me to follow Tao. Perhaps that is also what has always drawn me to that One Solitary Life that seems to confound the prophets even as He fulfills them.